Struggling to find a parenting method I agree with

[redgrape5]

Hello!
I am a mum of a 1 year old. Naturally, we're starting to think about how on earth we want to raise her and other future children.
I've read 2 books - Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids" and "The Contented Little Toddler" by Gina Ford. I am aware that Gina is a dirty word in MN - I just liked her baby routines so thought I'd give her other book a go, but didn't find this one that good anyway so largely discarded it.
I mostly agree with Janet Lansbury's approach - which I suppose you would call gentle parenting, but there are aspects of it that I don't subscribe to. I agree that as parents we should be calm and authoritative, set clear boundaries, not shame the child, affirm their emotions etc. However, I don't agree that punishments (as opposed to natural consequences) are bad. I think punishments serve an important purpose and I really dislike the way some parenting experts have changed the meaning of certain words, as if "punishment" means getting angry or shaming your child. It never meant that. While some may administer punishments in this way, I think that administering a proportionate punishment, not in anger, is often the most loving thing you can do. The child will learn that if they disobey authority figures in society, like teachers or police, they will be punished in some way. That's how the world works. In most scenarios in life, when you break the rules, you don't just get "natural consequences".

I also don't agree with certain other things gentle parenting experts suggest such as "buddy guarding", i.e. if your child is prone to hitting, just following them around the park or wherever and stopping them every time they go to hit someone, to show that you are there to help them so that they feel safe and like you're in control. In that kind of scenario, I think I would rather tell them off (calmly and proportionately), give them one more chance to play nicely, and if not, leave. She would say this is creating a "story" or a big drama, which the child will then repeat in future (is this really true??). She also suggests things like, if your child draws on the walls, your reaction should be more like "I'm sorry I wasn't here to help you not draw on the walls".

So anyway, does anyone know of any parenting books, methods or experts that takes a respectful approach, but doesn't see "punishment" as a bad word? I'm just not convinced by some of these methods. They seem way too permissive and I do think that rewards and punishments - while they definitely can be abused - are, broadly speaking, a very basic and important part of parenting, and that some experts have really overcomplicated and over-psychoanalysed things to the extent that some of the resulting suggestions are just nonsense.

Expert parenting books tend to be wrote with a very constricted regimental focus.

I would recommend a couple of things, first get your hands on a factual child development book for reference. Things like testosterone surges at certain ages caught me unaware.

Secondly, trust your instincts and know what works for your child. That takes trial and error, we all make them. Just be clear about expectations and consequences. Best of luck!

Sounds like after reading a few different perspectives, you have a clear idea of how you feel comfortable parenting so I don't think you need any more books - you're done

Parenting is like cooking. There are infinite ways to make a chicken casserole. Some ways are definitely bad. Most ways are fine so long as they're not hazardous. Some ways are good but there will always be scope for taste preferences.

You're basically saying 'I like this recipe but I want apricots in it' - just do it your way, take inspiration from books if you like, but you don't need to sign a pledge to follow one!

I honestly think your child dictates your parenting approach and you won’t know your child’s personality until they reach preschool.

For us, at three, our youngest became so outrageous that everything got thrown in the air. Eventually after listening to days and weeks, probably months of podcasts that discuss the psychology of parenting we ended up with an approach that seems effective. We don’t punish but we do give consequences which will be loss of privileges. I don’t believe in Time Outs as my child hates being on their own. We also keep very very calm even in the face of extreme rage.

I have friends with two passive girls who have never had a hint of a tantrum and their daily routine is cuddles and colouring. Their parenting experience is the polar opposite of mine. Sometimes I chat about what my life is like and she is absolutely horrified. You parent the personality of your child.

Read Bringing Up Baby by Daisy Goodwin, it's more of a literature review of parenting guides throughout the ages and the social factors that influenced them. After reading that I was much happier parenting my own way in a way that suited both DD and myself. It turns out she has ASD but we didn't find out until she started Secondary school and had I parented her how the books said instead of following my instincts she wouldn't have been able to cope as well as she has. . It is a very interesting book though 1910s parents were encouraged to leave baby's outside as the country needed hardy soldiers, Dr Spocks relied on SAHMs and Gina Ford is all about schedules because parents are normally working etc.

I'm old enough to remember the horror inspired by Dr. Spock's ideas, so out of curiosity I bought a paperback of Baby and Child Care. To my surprise it seemed very reasonable. I still have it. My 4 children are now adults, and for the most part I just followed my instincts, and we had no major traumas.

Just parent how you want to parent. Don’t over think it. There is no need to label what you are doing either. Following one system slavishly ‘because this is the type of parent I am’ is not good parenting however many books about it you’ve read - because it it isn’t accounting for your child as an individual.

How to talk is great.

The book you wish your parents had read is also a worthwhile read.

I’ve honestly never heard of anyone following a method before! Sure maybe pick up some tips from books but they’re not manuals you follow.

Did you really think you need to choose someone else and parent your child how they tell you to?

The beauty of having had my children 30 years ago is that there were very few books telling you what you were doing wrong. I didn't read a single book on the subject and have 2 amazing, happy, well balanced, adult DC. My daughter is currently tying herself in knots over all the advice/instructions online/in books about potty training her toddler. I've advised her to go with her, perfectly good, instincts. The books/apps have been ditched!

H and I sat down before dc1 was born and we went over how we parented in the 80s and 90s. We discussed what was good and what wasn't and went from there. I think alot of parenting comes down to your own personal values and is mostly situational. For us it's going with the flow. Sometimes we get wrong and reevaluate. No shame in it. We always discuss what we think is best, and sometimes we don't agree but come to compromises. Without sounding wanky it's about ring to be balanced. Whatever that looks like to you.

And relax! Try to enjoy it. Even the hard buys don't last that long in the grand scheme

Parenting is like cooking. There are infinite ways to make a chicken casserole. Some ways are definitely bad. Most ways are fine so long as they're not hazardous. Some ways are good but there will always be scope for taste preferences.

You're basically saying 'I like this recipe but I want apricots in it' - just do it your way, take inspiration from books if you like, but you don't need to sign a pledge to follow one!
I like this analogy!

Tbh the best parenting guide I’ve found is Bluey. I’ve honestly picked up some good tips from that dog family lol.

In all seriousness, follow your gut. Some things will just feel right for you and your family.

Step away from the books.

My kids are older they tell us we are a la carte parents, we have done something from every strategy out there. In the main try to set limits and boundaries and keep open communication and we really try to be fair and listen to them when we get things wrong. I rarely punish my children but I did use a version of timeout when they were younger once in a while. I can’t say it achieved much.

Definitely natural consequences work better and I completely disagree that natural consequences aren’t what they will experience throughout life. In the main natural consequences will provide most of their adult feedback. I think you sound like you are on the right track reading up on stuff and deciding what works for you and your family.

I love this. I watch Bluey with my granddaughter and often end up fighting back the tears.

I agree with everyone else you will find your own way. However I can recommend two books I loved (of many I read)

It’s OK not to share (for the toddler years)

The Book You Wish your Parents had Read by Phillipa Perry. This is my no. 1 parenting book

good luck! Whatever approach you decide fits you’ll probably end up freaking out and shouting at some stage.

As others have said, I’d continue reading lots of different books & taking what resonates with you & leaving what doesn’t rather than feeling you need to subscribe to a particular method.

My favourite book for thinking about how I parent has been Phillipa Perry’s “Book you wish your parents had read” - it’s not a method but is designed to get you thinking about what it means to be a parent & what you want from that relationship.

No, don't read lots of books, it's totally unnecessary.

The book you wish your parents had read explains very clearly why some people do need to read books and think more deeply/ overthink about their parenting. People who were brought up in kind emotionally literate families have a kind of blueprint that they will automatically apply to their own parenting. They know it works because this is how they were raised, plus or minus some details. So they don’t need to think about it too hard. Other people know that how they were raised damaged them and they want to do things differently. These people may benefit from books and from other models and (speaking from experience) they often feel they are conducting an experiment rather than relying on the blueprint their parents gave them. She calls it ‘shadows in the nursery’ (I think- or that might have been something else I read).

so if you don’t need to read books great! Some people find them helpful. Some books are quite evidence based- I’m currently reading no drama discipline which is by two neuroscientists.