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Original poster

Children refuse to talk to ex. What do I do?!

29 replies

GreensAreGoodForYou · 11/08/2023 17:28

Background: split from my two kids’ (11 and 15) dad about four years ago and we lived a stone’s throw distance from each other until a couple of months ago. After two years of 50/50 parenting (half week each) both children said they didn’t want to live with him or see him much, if at all. So since then (about 18 months ago) I’ve had custody and he asked for a couple of hours two days a week visit rights which I agreed to (actually I offered more in my demand!). He now lives abroad in his native country (where we were) and now me and the kids are in the UK for 6 months. We agreed to do video calls every night at 9pm our time.

The problem is that they don’t want to video-talk to him every day. Sometimes he’s not there when we call (at the time) and he calls later when they’re busy or getting ready for bed/asleep. They just refuse to answer their phones. He says I need to make them want to and be available as it’s part of our agreement. I have tried everything to get them to speak to him every day but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do - force them to answer their phones? I’ve called him myself at times so that I can then just hand the phone to them and they have to then see/talk to him, but they hate it and complains that I’m using my phone.

Any advice?!

OP posts:
BiscuitsandPuffin · 11/08/2023 17:32

Jesus Christ just drop the rope. It's not your job to make your kids talk to him. No adults are forced to have contact with people they don't want to talk to. Put your kids out of their misery. Nightly video calls are ludicrous!

BiscuitsandPuffin · 11/08/2023 17:33

And BTW an agreement is a two-way thing. This is totally one sided.

Original poster
GreensAreGoodForYou · 11/08/2023 17:44

BiscuitsandPuffin · 11/08/2023 17:32

Jesus Christ just drop the rope. It's not your job to make your kids talk to him. No adults are forced to have contact with people they don't want to talk to. Put your kids out of their misery. Nightly video calls are ludicrous!

That’s how I feel! But legally am I obliged to make them somehow? I’ve read about parents having to physically drag their kids to visits with the other parent because it’s part of the custody agreement. Isn’t it the same with a video call?

He’s been really horrible to me about it - claims I am manipulating them and my behaviour is disgusting (because, I’m guessing, he thinks I am making them not want to speak with them which is so unfair!). He has no idea how lucky he is that they even want to talk to him at all, frankly. But legally I think I’m obliged to do something? Will ask my lawyer (she’s in the country he is from, don’t want to say where in case it’s outing).

OP posts:

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BungleandGeorge · 11/08/2023 17:54

It’s not clear who has moved away? You were living somewhere and he went back to his country and you came to uk for 6 months? Or you just came back to
UK?

saffronsoup · 11/08/2023 17:56

BiscuitsandPuffin · 11/08/2023 17:32

Jesus Christ just drop the rope. It's not your job to make your kids talk to him. No adults are forced to have contact with people they don't want to talk to. Put your kids out of their misery. Nightly video calls are ludicrous!

Minors can't opt out of being parented or contact with their parents as they are unable to live independently. If her kids decided tomorrow they didn't want to talk to OP either - then what? How would you ensure your stance that they don't have to talk to anyone they don't want to?

OP has moved away from the father and the children's home and it sounds like there is a custody agreement in place. She can't just choose to ignore it or to tell her kids they don't have to have contact with one or both parents if they so desire.

user1471505356 · 11/08/2023 18:01

Not every day, set times yes two or so days each week. At 11 and 15 their opinion counts a lot.

Ponderingwindow · 11/08/2023 18:07

If the children call on time and he can’t be bothered to answer, he is the one who is interfering with contact.

moving them to a different country is problematic, but I’m just sticking to the phone call issue here.

MintJulia · 11/08/2023 18:15

Every day is ridiculous. They won't have anything to say to each other. My ex tried the same during Covid and it lasted one night 😊

Calling on a Sunday or Monday night is better, because they can talk about what they did at the weekend.

But your DCs are old enough to decide for themselves, and if they don't want to talk to him, you can't force them. Your ex has a very strange view of what he is entitled to.

I'd be tempted to give him their phone numbers and leave him to it.

BudgetBuster · 11/08/2023 18:20

Who moved country?
I think every day is excessive, the kids won't have anything to say to him. Maybe suggest 3 days a week instead as the kids are having trouble.

also, do they have their own phones he can contact them on?

caringcarer · 11/08/2023 18:29

I have 3 DC. My middle child eldest DS refused to speak to his Dad after we split when he was 16. He's 27 now and still blocks his Dad from his life. Exh was meeting OW whilst dropping off our middle child to activity so he felt used by his Dad. Nothing I have said to our middle son has made any difference. Now our son is an adult I leave it up to him. My middle son has a great relationship with his Step Dad.

Tina8800 · 11/08/2023 18:56

I think as a parent, you often have to make your children do what they don't want to do.
If you obligated to find time for a chat, they have to do it .BUT! Not every single day! That's way too much and there is no way you can make them sit down for a chat every night, especially if they don't want to.

As pp said, set up 2 days a week, preferably weekends. Every day seems silly to me, especially with teenagers.

Original poster
GreensAreGoodForYou · 11/08/2023 19:02

They have their own phones and he can call them any time. They just don’t answer.

I am from the UK. One of the kids was born here. We moved to his country and had second child. We have lived in that country for ten years now. He agreed to us coming to the UK for 8 months (after a lot of negotiating) because other people told him it would be good for the kids. During court where custody and payments etc were being decided, we agreed that nightly video calls would take place while we are in the UK. So I did agree to this ridiculous idea, my fault, I should’ve said every other night at the most!

Thanks all, for the thoughts and advice. I’ll see if I can convince him to agree to a slightly less full-on call situation. Although I doubt he’ll agree as he is a complete and utter tw*t in all the ways you can imagine 😫

OP posts:
crazeekat · 11/08/2023 19:08

when kids of a certain age are deemed old enough and emotionally mature enough they can make their own decisions and courts will take this totally into consideration. you cannot force your kids to talk to him.make him aware with the kids that it is not you making this happen. then come to a time each kid that they speak to him once a week say. eg kid 1 mon kid 2 friday. whatever. they then know that's their time and it's a compromise that will work for everyone. sure dads not getting his time but it's better quality rather than quantity. his kids maybe actually not speaking to him so much may start to miss him and look forward to their own personal days instead of being forced.

megletthesecond · 11/08/2023 19:14

They've probably realised he's a controlling idiot and they don't have to deal with him any more.
Not your problem tbh and I believe a judge would side with the children anyway. Just keep proof you've encouraged your children to talk to him.

Newestname002 · 11/08/2023 19:25

OP I suggest you get legal advice from a UK Family Lawyer. Check online on The Law Society website and search "find a solicitor" in your area. Or, if you have good friends in the UK you confide in, ask for recommendations. 🌹

itsgettingweird · 11/08/2023 19:31

You're asking the wrong questions.

The one I'd want answering episodes why 2 children who had 50/50 contact with both parents would decide they didn't want to see one much. And why would 2 children who manage to move to a different country to that latent then do everything possible to avoid contact with them?

LittleOwl153 · 11/08/2023 19:32

At 11 and 15 I would sit the kids down and explain to them that speaking to him was a condition of them being allowed to come to the UK so at this point you/they have little choice.

I would agree with them that they will call him at the appointed time - they can take it in turns each night. (In fact i might go as far as setting a reminder on their phones so there is no forgetting. If he doesn't answer/immediately call back then that's his lookout - they don't need to intercut subsequent activities to meet his timetable but their call log must show a 30s or whatever call to show they tried. The call can be as long as they want, if they've nothing to say then oh well - that's up to him to engage them.

None can say whether you are legally in the wrong without seeing the court order and knowing the country. But I wonder whether it is worth the agro... if he could insist on their return or never allow them abroad again if he goes back to court? Is it worth the risk.

LittleOwl153 · 11/08/2023 19:33

Do you plan to go back? 15 seems a funny age to be abroad for 6/8months... are they in school what about exams etc?

thirdfiddle · 11/08/2023 20:22

Okay, it's quite seriously disruptive having a call at a fixed time every day, let alone an expectation to be available at an indeterminate time when he happens to call. Was the agreement 9pm? How much later is he calling? Perhaps you could give him a window and say after that younger is going to bed so can't answer [while turning phone on silent or taking it downstairs so he's not disturbed either].

Given you did agree it, and it's you who moved country, I think you should do your best to make it work.
How about finding a video game they can play together remotely. Even if it's just minecraft or something. Might be easier for both sides to chat if they're doing something together while on their video call rather than just staring at each other trying to think of something to say.
Depending on the time difference, could you sometimes call him at a meal time? That's the only time I see my teen some days anyway. Plonk food in front of kids, prop up phone, you go and eat somewhere else. Conversation over meals is something we're all used to.
Or they answer their phones and just prop it up next to what they're doing. Hi dad, just doing my maths homework. Do you know anything about quadratic equations? No? Ah well.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/08/2023 20:51

I would advise him that he should join whatever social media they're on to keep up with them (if they'll have him)

IF you want to be seen to be doing something to show him you're trying, you could (with your kids permission) start a WhatsApp group called 'Sam and Polly updates' and put the four of you in it. Especially When you know they've ignored him for a few days you can say 'Polly did well on her history test, sam's off to watch football at his friends tomorrow' every so often. Or send a photo etc. If I was in your exes shoes I would really appreciate that, I feel for him being so far away and the teens and tweens are doing what they do. Then he can congratulate them etc on the group and they can also send stuff to it if and when they feel like it?

Original poster
GreensAreGoodForYou · 12/08/2023 09:16

megletthesecond · 11/08/2023 19:14

They've probably realised he's a controlling idiot and they don't have to deal with him any more.
Not your problem tbh and I believe a judge would side with the children anyway. Just keep proof you've encouraged your children to talk to him.

Nailed it. Problem is, I am supposed to make sure they speak to him (lawyer says to keep evidence that I call etc). Ugh.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreensAreGoodForYou · 12/08/2023 09:28

Solid advice, thanks. I’m going to do this.

He can absolutely control where we live or go (even for holidays) in the future so you’re right, it’s important not to risk it.

I didn’t want to start by painting him in a bad light as I really just wanted tips/advice on ways to address it, but the reason the kids wanted to live with me not him and were desperate to come to the UK for this period, is because he is controlling, incredibly critical, invalidates their emotions (can literally look into their crying faces and say sternly, ‘You shouldn’t be crying’), and - here’s the real irony - when he spends time with them they say he’s working on his computer most of the time and doesn’t do much with them.

Re school - they are able to start the following/next year in their dad’s country having missed only a few months, because of high grades. Very lucky!

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 12/08/2023 09:34

If he wasn't speaking to them nightly when you lived near each other it's unrealistic to expect them to do this now you have moved away.
Nobody has that much to say on a daily basis.

GrumpyPanda · 12/08/2023 09:44

If he doesn't answer the phone anyway most times then there's nothing to keep YOU from initiating the calls is there? If he does happen to answer you pass on the phone, and if he doesn't you've got the call logs to show.

What's the plan after the initial 8 months? Are you working towards staying in the UK for good? If so, you'll need to soften him up re contact, I assume.

DinoRoar14 · 12/08/2023 10:05

Have you got a Child Arrangmenr Order?

If not I would get one now.
If you do have one do you have a lives with Order? Of so you don't need his permission to holiday.

I would sit the kids down and say that you're leaving their Dad in their hands.
100% of communication is up to them.
Tell them you won't stop anything but you won't force them either
Then tell him the same. Tell him you are no longer forcing anything and if he wants to speak/ see his kids that's 100% on him.

But I would absolutly get the CAO