Children refuse to talk to ex. What do I do?!

[GreensAreGoodForYou]

Background: split from my two kids’ (11 and 15) dad about four years ago and we lived a stone’s throw distance from each other until a couple of months ago. After two years of 50/50 parenting (half week each) both children said they didn’t want to live with him or see him much, if at all. So since then (about 18 months ago) I’ve had custody and he asked for a couple of hours two days a week visit rights which I agreed to (actually I offered more in my demand!). He now lives abroad in his native country (where we were) and now me and the kids are in the UK for 6 months. We agreed to do video calls every night at 9pm our time.

The problem is that they don’t want to video-talk to him every day. Sometimes he’s not there when we call (at the time) and he calls later when they’re busy or getting ready for bed/asleep. They just refuse to answer their phones. He says I need to make them want to and be available as it’s part of our agreement. I have tried everything to get them to speak to him every day but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do - force them to answer their phones? I’ve called him myself at times so that I can then just hand the phone to them and they have to then see/talk to him, but they hate it and complains that I’m using my phone.

Any advice?!

Was there a set time decided in the courts as well, or dod you agree that yourselves? Keep all evidence of that agreement.

Ring every day at that time , if he doesn't answer,he doesn't answer. Him ringing back 2/3 hours later is irrelevant. You can show the courts you stuck to the agreement with call logs/screenshots and did your part.

You can also do a group or just message him with updates,pictures etc to show you have been keeping him in the loop and that the lines of communication are open.

Can the kids tag team, so one rings one day , the other the next so they both get a break, particularly with him not answering?

Tbf, there's only so much you can do and their time is just as important as his. If he can't be bothered to answer at the agreed time, why should they at the random times he decides he has time for them?

If you were living in the UK then the kids could decide how much contact they had (even none) but it sounds like the country that you were in doesn't operate like that. I'd be Frank and tell the kids that if they didn't talk to their dad then they would be forced to go back to the other country and wouldn't get an opportunity like this again so they should suck up the call.
It was unreasonable to stipulate daily calls as people don't have something new to discuss every day but it is done and the kids need to cooperate if they want limited freedom like this trip to the UK. Presumably the older one only has 3 more years of this until they are free of child contact arrangements because uni and adulthood.

I would make two changes. firstly, if he doesn't answer or call back within twenty minutes its over until the next day. I would set up a whats app group and post in it I have called with the children at x time. Keeps a second record.

Second I would talk to the children more frankly about keeping communication open so that you can manage the situation and make things work with more freedom in the future.

Good advice.

I’ve already done some of the stuff you wise people have suggested. As usual, he hasn’t responded 🙄 But at least I’ve put the ideas out there. I send him updates and photos every time we do anything or if the kids are being especially sweet or similar (like holding hands at 15 and 11! 🥰). He NEVER responds. Not even a thumbs up. To any of these messages. He really is a t*at.

But as some have inferred, if I don’t stick to our agreement (made in court) then he can 100% stop us leaving his country once we are back - and similarly I 100% have to go back with the kids. I do hope he might let us move to the UK in the future so the better their interactions are the more likely that is I suppose.

Thank you sooooo much!

PS UK legalities don’t apply (at this point) as the whole court thing was in his country and I haven’t sought legal advice here. I could get into the legality here but I doubt it can override what’s already been agreed on. And he would absolutely lose his s*it and that’s a terrifying thought to me!