Newborn - when will it get better?

[Joppi]

I’m just over a week post c section and getting to grips with taking care of my newborn (FTM).

Of course I knew it we going to be hard but everything has been harder than expected - breastfeeding, baby doesn’t like being put down in side sleeping cot, bassinet etc so the only place to settle is on me/husband so we only get a few hours sleep as we take it in shifts to look after baby.

In the evening, sometimes nothing will work to stop the crying - baby has been fed, nappy is clean, have winded etc

With the frequency of feeding, it feels like the day revolves around feeding, getting baby to sleep, resolving crying and changing nappies with little time for anything else.

of course I’m grateful and happy with the new baby but also feeling exhausted and a bit overwhelmed.

I feel it’s not the done thing to air these feelings for fear of coming across as ungrateful but wondering if these are normal feelings and when does it start getting better?

I remember thinking with despair at about 2am in week five with baby #1 that even adoption wasn't a viable option, because DH would never agree, and that I was stuck in this help for the rest. of. my. life.

Everything you're feeling is normal. This is hard, but it is a very short period in time. Follow the good advice you've been given up thread.

*this hell. Shut up autocorrect.

I felt exactly the same. I knew recovery would be hard after a c section but recovering from surgery coupled with minimal sleep was so hard. The first week was survival only, the second week I think my hormones and emotions settled down a bit and got used to things a bit more. The most I did really in the first 4-6 weeks was go for a walk, register the birth, see parents etc. After that gradually we got more sleep, planned more outings etc. Try to lower your expectations for the next few weeks just to let everything settle down.
Try co sleeping while your baby gets used to sleeping in the crib. Putting the baby in the crib for small stints at a time or for single stretches of the night to get used to it will also help. We took the pram bassinet upstairs initially too as my son would sleep in that before the crib.
Feel free to message me with any further questions- becoming a parent of a newborn is the hardest thing I've done but also the best.

OP I feel for you. It's so hard after a section as well. The first 2 weeks I honestly though is ruined my life and I was in a pretty bad place ... but it gets better. Little by little. I'm 9 weeks now and LO just slept for 7 hours through the night. My section pain was pretty much gone by week 5 and I was feeling so much better in myself. I ended up bottle feeding because my MH was really affected by the hormones and honestly it was probably the best thing I could have done to get through it. If you feel you need to do that, don't let anyone make you feel bad for it!
Hang in there!

FTM I’m almost 6 weeks in now and had a C Section too. DS was born 3 weeks early so it technically only 3 weeks now.

Exactly the same as you in the beginning. Baby slept on either me or DH and wouldn’t settle in the next to me at all so I did co-sleep for about 2 weeks.

I had tried swaddle bags in the very beginning but he was only 5lb 8oz and he wasn’t a fan however since then he now loves them!

Also started with short periods in his Moses basket during the day as an intro to being put down but I didn’t let him get upset in there/

I now have;

Swaddle bag
Red light in the room (tommee tippee one)
Portable white noise machine from Amazon (I swear by the white noise, it needs to be quite loud)

(the red light does have a white noise function but I found putting a portable one in the cot with him was much better)

my little one now sleeps in solid stretches between feeds (granted I don’t so much because he sounds like a baby dinosaur when he sleeps 😂)

it will get better! promise xx

One thing that helped re feeding/sleeping was having DD in the sidecar cot and me leaning over/flopping a boob into the cot so she would feed to sleep in the cot and I could remove my nipple when she was asleep.

Not sure how helpful this will be for you ATM as baby is still so small. I also wouldn't worry about creating bad habits (as called so by others e.g. feeding to sleep) in the first few weeks and just do what you need to to get by. Look at Lydney hookway on IG - she saved my sanity.

Its really annoying when you're in the thick of it to hear that it's a phase but it's true and soon enough you'll be saying the same thing to others going through what you're going through.

If I had my time again I'd not worry about doing anything in those first few weeks, don't worry about the messy house/get others to cook if possible. Try to accept it for what it is and watch loads of TV lol. I remember one day DD was on the boob for like 8hrs. Also a sling was helpful for us and she was happy to be carried around while I got on with things.

It's hard OP but you've done hard things x

@CocoPlum there's no such thing anymore. At least not where I am. It was £300 for NCT or nothing. Two visits from the health visitor post natal.

OP it does get easier but also if the evening crying doesn't improve have a look into CMPA or reflux. The not wanting to lie flat fits with this too

Oh OP you could be me! Also FTM,
one week from section and with a newborn who will only sleep on us. We’ve been trying to tag team but DH can barely stay coherent through his shifts and keeps sleeping through alarms to wake up and relieve me so I’ve basically been up all through the night - I got probably 3x 20 minute blocks of sleep last night and feel too het up and miserable to nap in the day . BFing has not happened; we were slow to start trying as I was out of it for 24 hours or so after the section and baby will not latch at all despite lots of professionals looking and I’m making tiny amounts of milk despite trying so hard with pumping. She’s now on formula and I feel a total failure and like I’ve let us all down already. What is helping us a bit is getting out in the sunshine each day and accepting all the help we can from family! Hope things get better for us soon…

@Greeneyegirl you are right. I’m not sure if they stopped because of covid and never restarted.

@jellycatbunny you haven’t let her down I’m really struggling with breastfeeding, I’m having to express milk and give it to DD in a bottle because to be frank we are crap at it 😅

MyDD couldn’t breastfeed after a forceps delivery. They dented her cheekbones so must have hurt her too much.

I expressed for her - somehow for a year - whilst DH worked away and my family were thousands of miles away. There’s a reason us women are the ones to have the babies. ;)

@jellycatbunny I feel a total failure and like I’ve let us all down already No no no no no. No. You’re not a failure. You’ve adjusted your approach to parenting based on your individual situation and your options available, and as a bonus after consulting professional help. You sound like a freaking good mum to me! Being flexible in how you approach things is an important parenting skill to learn.

Just to add to the swarm of messages above. It is rubbish! I remember feeling like I had ruined my life in the first few weeks.

Little by little it got better, then you get a smile at 6-8 weeks...then they start to react to you and soon you've forgotten how hard it was

My biggest piece of advice is not to worry so early on about making a rod for your own back...feed to sleep....co sleep...don't follow any nap schedule other than putting them down when they seem tired.... just focus on surviving it! Any habits can be broken further down the line once everything has calmed down

I HATED the newborn phase and was really shocked how much! It didn't stop me having another but it so was much easier going into it KNOWING I was going to hate it early on but also KNOWING it didn't last forever

Good luck, you sound like you're doing great!!

Totally, to be honest I may switch to formula because expressing takes such a lot of time away from DS (2 and a half.)

It does hurt, I had similar problems with DS and I cried and I felt awful and like I’d failed. But he still calls for mummy in the middle of the night when he’s scared

It does get better slowly but surely. My DS2 in the very early days was crying whenever he was awake (he got diagnosed with reflux). My point is my days literally consisted of a screaming baby, changing, feeding and putting to sleep. Same as your little one he would not sleep anywhere but myself or my partners chest. It's hard work and is very tiring.

My advice - if you have got support around you ask for help. I always had trouble of accepting help as I wanted to do it all myself but it's honestly stupid if it's there please do take it even if it's a hour.

My little one is 9 weeks now and things have improved so much. He still likes a contact nap but will usually go in his next to me crib for a few hours if I'm lucky.

If you have a newborn there is a nice thread here I know it says july but I don’t think anyone is going to insist June and august babies are evicted

It's so hard! Sending solidarity.
I've got 14 week old twins (or 7.5 weeks if born on their due date) and theyve been home from hospital for 11 weeks now. It's absolutely exhausting, relentless, but a few things definitely have helped us..

• ask for and accept any help you believe will be genuinely helpful. Don't worry about being independent, wanting to appear competent etc, just accept the help
• sleep in shifts with your partner of at least 4 hours so you can get a restorative block of sleep. if one of you needs to sleep on the sofa to do this, so be it.
• combi-feeding worked well for us but of course be mindful of how and when you introduce bottles as some babies can struggle between the two..for us having the option of boob or bottle has worked very well
• stock your cupboards with snacks, make tea in flasks etc, get in takeaways etc etc - having some calories in you will help BF and also make you less on the edge
• going for a sling walk every evening when the screaming/crying starts of between 1-2hrs and start it before the kicking off really begins. You can listen to a podcast, call a friend etc
• cry when you need to
• accept this phase is hard/shit/relentless and focus on surviving it rather than enjoying it.

Everyone says it gets easier at the end of the "fourth trimester"/12 weeks. Sometimes your hope/expectation that things can/should be different is as painful as the thing being difficult in and of itself

Hello 👋 fellow twin mum here! The parents of multiples subreddit is the best twin forum I’ve found, if you’re not on there yet I’d recommend joining. I don’t know what’s typical for twin parents (mine had undiagnosed allergies and I’ve got an older singleton, so some added complications) but most said to me “it gets easier at a year”. And I’d say that’s pretty much on the money! And now my girls are 16 months they’re so much fun. I’d say the incrementally easier bits for me were 5 months (when we found their allergies), 6 months (when they started napping longer), 8 months (when they could self settle for naps) and 13 months (when they started walking).

Congratulations! The first few weeks with a newborn can seem overwhelming, especially your first as nothing can prepare you really.

Feeding does take over everything for the first 8 weeks I would say. I would try and expect to just be feeding baby over those weeks and anything else is a bonus, I found having low expectations helped 😂 Line up box sets and cups of tea etc and nest on the sofa in the evenings.

My first two didn’t sleep well at all, the first one we persevered and managed to get him sleeping in his cot but it was stressful and exhausting. My middle child, I co-slept, but husband was relegated to spare fold out bed as he sleeps deeply, I didn’t use covers on me as was paranoid, I just dressed warmly. She was in her own room and cot by 9 months old.

Thanks for all the kind replies and tips! Lots of suggestions here which I’ll try to make this time easier. Most of all, it’s good to know I’m not alone with these feelings and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Although it is such a special time, there’s been plenty of tears and some feelings of ‘what have I done’.

for the posters with twins, respect to you!

@jellycatbunny please don’t feel like a failure! I know where you’re coming from as my milk supply/latch isnt quite right so baby lost more weight than expected, so I’m topping up by expressing and also formula. At first I had same feelings of guilt but overall having both options has taken the pressure off. I just wish there wasn’t so much stigma about formula, a fed baby is the most important thing.

Thanks for this - I’ll check it out x

This is exactly it! My expectations were tucking them into cot and then feeding a few times in the night! The reality is very different 😂

It doesn't - you get better at coping/dealing with it. And you will.

My kids are 9 and 10 and I would happily swop them back for a newborn and a 1 year old (and trust me, I thought nothing could be harder than that!) - however, reliably informed that teenagers are even harder!

Sleep when the baby sleeps - and put them down every 2 hours (the best advice I had off the midwife)

Lower expectations when it comes to sleep/crying etc. Go into survival mode. Take it a day at a time. Remember everything is just a phase and one day it will get better. I had a difficult time when baby wouldn't feed/had reflux/wouldn't sleep. That seems like years ago now even though it was only a few months ago! A few weeks makes a massive difference.

Google purple crying too.

Well the first 3 weeks of a newborn is absolutely the shittiest nightmare.
Let's be honest. It's so so tough.

You love them when they are asleep and cry at their beauty, then sometimes absolutely detest the red-faced roaring little monster glaring up at you at 4am when NOTHING will make them stop 😱. Won't take food, won't take the dummy, won't lie down, won't settle. The baby seems to hate you and you.... well...let's say you aren't exactly feeling the love at that point in time!

You are only a week in, take heart it will improve!

Yes I love the bit where you 'pretend' it's bedtime every night at 8pm, ha, ha, how we laughed....knowing we'd be awake at 9pm. 9.30. 10.30. 11.50pm. 1am. 2.15am. etc etc.

Then stagger through the next day until we 'pretend' it's bedtime again.

You'll only know things are getting better when you only burst into tears once a day instead of 5 times. In 3 weeks it'll be so much better. 6 weeks another turning point.

I remember my brother ringing from the USA the first week we had my DD home and he said 'you must be delighted!!!' and I was thinking 'delighted? Are you fucking joking me?? I've had half an hour sleep in the past four days, I've already failed at the breastfeeding and now she's chucking up every feed as well' but of course I meekly said 'oh yes we are delighted she's gorgeous'.

And the cold cups of tea 😃
Some day soon you'll be able to have a cup of tea and it'll still be warm when you get to the bottom of it.