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Original poster

Who has kids if you die

42 replies

ChoresSuck · 07/08/2023 23:57

How did you decide who will have responsibility for your children if you die?

So DP (not married) and I had a conversation about who would have our DC in the event we both die. DC are 7&9. He said his mum. She's in her 70s. I disagree. He said his sister who is in her 30s but child free and an actress and very self cantered and all about the money. I disagree.

I do not want my sister as I don't agree with her parenting style. My mum is in her 70s and I feel too old to take on the responsibility.

How have you resolved this?

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BananaSlug · 07/08/2023 23:59

Mine will go into care as I'm a lone parent so hopefully that doesn't happen!

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/08/2023 23:59

We appointed godparents and of course if anything where to happen to both of us they would go to them.

MintJulia · 08/08/2023 01:01

My dsis who despite being 70, is still full-on active. ds is 15 so only a few years until he's independent.

DNiece and DNephew (both in their early 40s) as back-up, will continue to provide him with a base if needed.

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wafflyversatile · 08/08/2023 01:50

Your children's needs will change as time passes as do the situations of potential guardians. Maybe better to nominate a few people who will get together and decide what would be best rather choose someone who is meant to take on the responsibility regardless of the situation at the time of your hypothetical death.

PlantDoctor · 08/08/2023 01:56

My child-free sister and her DH. They're both good with DD3 and I am confident they would bring her up well if the worst should happen to us. Like you we thought grandparents are too old and DH's brother lives far away and his kids are young adults already.

Simonjt · 08/08/2023 02:37

My ex (so may seem odd), but he plays a vital part in both of our childrens lives, knows them both well and fairly regularly babysits them for us.

SoSad44 · 08/08/2023 02:40

Super difficult for us. We decided no re our parents as too old and one lives in a different country and I wouldn’t want DC to be uprooted. My sibling has his own DC, she lives in different country too and can hardly cope with her DC. DH’s DB has a different type of lifestyle (parties, festivals) and not interested in children (it’s not an age thing, he is over 45!). So we have no idea!!

Wenfy · 08/08/2023 02:47

My cousin was taken in by her 70 yo grandparents when her mum died (dad’s a deadbeat). They were older parents, had her mum at 40, and raising her has kept them healthy and active. They’re in their 90s right now and still go walking / aerobics several times a week. Her gran even provided childcare to her great grandkids lol

Thepossibility · 08/08/2023 02:51

My childfree younger sister. We both agreed easily. DH family are overly anxious people, and the other members of my family are lazy. My sister is hugely empathetic and hard working and would always do the right thing for the DC. She is also the only one of the lot that has ambition, which is think is important for a role model for DC.

Youdoyoubabe · 08/08/2023 02:55

My eldest is 19 now so I guess she will drag the other two up the rest of the way with some guidance from the elders. I worry much less than when they were young. It seems to often be quite galvanising to young people actions if they lose a parent young so it may not be a total lose:lose situation.

MrsJamin · 08/08/2023 03:01

I hope all of you have these wishes in your will especially the godparent one.
We chose close friends as DC are teenagers and would want to stay at their school rather than move to be with family.

SomewhereWithSomeone · 08/08/2023 03:03

One of our children is an adult now and he would be his younger siblings guardian if anything happened to us.

Years ago, when our children were younger, it would have been 2 of our closest friends who are like second parents to our children anyway. We would take in their children if anything happened to them. I know they will always be there for our children at any age.

My partners parents were older so we wouldn’t have chosen them and I have no contact with my parents. Our siblings are very different people to us, we wouldn’t have wanted our children being brought up by them.

It’s a horrendous thought, my youngest has autism and the thought of anything happening to us still keeps me awake at night when I go down that road. You do need to have something in place and then hope that it’s never needed. 🙏🏻

caringcarer · 08/08/2023 03:15

When my DC were youngmy youngest sister would have moved into our house and care for my DC if both me and DH died. They are adults now and all my DC have homes of their own. Now I'd take her DC if anything happened to her and my BiL. It has to be someone you 💯 percent trust.

CamelSilk · 08/08/2023 03:56

My parents and PILs are all in their 80s and would not be able to cope. DH and I both have a sibling but would not want either of them to be looking after our kids. So we've asked a couple who are close friends of ours, and they've also asked the same of us for their kids. Yes, it's in our wills.

FlipperSkipper · 08/08/2023 04:03

We made our wills recently due to a cancer diagnosis and decided on my sister as we both think that of our siblings she is best suited. Please formalise it, just because it’s what you want doesn’t mean it will happen unless you do (including godparents!)

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 08/08/2023 06:38

We appointed three guardians in our will - my mum, DH's sister, and my uncle. In all likelihood they would go to my mum, who's relatively young - 67, the DC are 11 and 9, and are very close to her. As there's only her, and she doesn't own a home, she'd be able to just move into our house to take care of them, and so minimise the disruption to them.

My uncle wouldn't want them and they barely know him, but he's a financial advisor and would happily look after the money side of things for them and make sure their assets were protected. My mum is terrible with money.

SIL is our "back up" in case DM not be in good enough health. She's lovely, as is BIL, and they love our kids, but have two of their own, so a) it's a big ask, and b) their own kids would naturally take priority, which is understandable but I'd rather my DC be someone's priority, and they would definitely be my mum's. Tbh if something happened to me they'd be the only thing keeping her going.

Purpleboat · 08/08/2023 06:44

This is such a hard decision. Ideally it would be my parents, but we’ve got the age issue too. I’m afraid we wouldn’t want siblings on either side for a variety of reasons. I would perhaps choose my friends, who are lovely, great with our children too. As a backup I would perhaps have my sister who doesn’t have or want kids of her own.

PuttingDownRoots · 08/08/2023 07:11

PILs. They would move into our house. My parents aren't in good enough health. My brother is the other possibility but more difficult for him to move up North.

I think our feelings about BIL and wife are known enough that that wouldn't even be considered (plus they are too selfish to actually do it!)

Oneweektogo2023 · 08/08/2023 07:15

I’m hoping I make it til his 18th at the end of August. My husbands brother was his guardian should we have needed him to be. I feel your anguish I have lived the last 18 years worrying about this too!

Gymmum82 · 08/08/2023 07:24

We haven’t formalised anything yet. But I think I would want them to go to my sister. She does have kids of her own. But she has the space and money to take care of them. My parents are too old, PILs I don’t think would want them and sister in laws don’t have the space or the money.

onlyconnect · 08/08/2023 07:31

We don't have much family so we discussed it and decided to ask friends. It was an interesting discussion which made me realise what my values are.
We asked friends in such a way that they could say no, gave them time to think etc because it's obviously potentially life changing.
When they agreed we made it part of our will with the friends as executors.

Phos · 08/08/2023 07:34

This is something we struggle with! At the moment, it would be my mum. She’s in her 60s but healthy and active. If it came to be she was unable, we just don’t know. We don’t have friends we’d feel comfortable asking this of. Which leaves my DH’s sister (absolute no-go, she’s childless, extremely selfish and her partner would be against it anyway) and my cousins. Only one of my cousins would really be suitable but due to living far away, we don’t see them a lot so it still feels like a huge ask.

lemonyellows · 08/08/2023 07:38

We are doing wills soon and it will be my husbands eldest son, their half brother who is in his late twenties. We have made sure there is life insurance payout to assist him financially with them if the worst happens.

Dacadactyl · 08/08/2023 07:40

When the kids were younger and my sister was childless, she agreed to have mine should anything happen to us. We wrote it in our will with instructions for how our assets should be treated for her to bring them up.

Now DD is 16 and DS is 11 (and sister has her own kids) I think the family would agree a sensible course of action in the event of our demise, so we've not changed our will.

I expect my inlaws would do it now (late 60s, early 70s) cos they're local and the kids are settled here in this area. If they didn't want to, im confident my parents would sell up and move to this area to do it. If not them, then there are myriad other relatives in our extended families who would step in. There would be no chance of the kids ending up in the care system.

OMGitsnotgood · 08/08/2023 07:43

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/08/2023 23:59

We appointed godparents and of course if anything where to happen to both of us they would go to them.

You do know that godparents don't legally have to raise your children, nor do they have any legal rights should they want to raise your children? Probably you do but I thought it worth checking.

Our DC are adults now but in our wills we said, with their prior agreement, that 2 of our siblings ( one from either side) would consider all options at the time and agree the best for the children at that time. There were numerous factors leading to this decision, it won't work for everyone but felt right for us and was after discussion with family members (not local) and close friends (local).

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