Who has kids if you die

[ChoresSuck]

How did you decide who will have responsibility for your children if you die?

So DP (not married) and I had a conversation about who would have our DC in the event we both die. DC are 7&9. He said his mum. She's in her 70s. I disagree. He said his sister who is in her 30s but child free and an actress and very self cantered and all about the money. I disagree.

I do not want my sister as I don't agree with her parenting style. My mum is in her 70s and I feel too old to take on the responsibility.

How have you resolved this?

Me and DH had this discussion. Our parents are in their 60s and still working although semi retired. They are youthful and well but very far away.
My brother and his partner are wonderful but again very far away, so we decided on our best friends. They live locally, our children wouldn’t have to change schools and move from their friends, they also know our best friends very well and have always been apart of their lives.

We had a reciprocal agreement with close friends who had DC of a similar age and very similar parenting styles. All written in wills. Both houses would have been sold to buy a bigger one but all the DC would have been able to stay at their current schools.

They are all young adults now but I suspect they would still turn to the other parents for help if needed.

It being in your will doesn't mean it will definitively happen either. It shows your wishes and, if contested by someone else, it's a good back up but ultimately when it comes to guardianship it will be based on the needs of your children not in the wishes of yourselves.

Like someone else said - what's best for your children may well change as they get older. So the person you'd choose when they are primary school age may be different to when they are teenagers.

We chose two lots ofpeople we thought were responsible and had good values. Unfortunately one has chosen an awful husband and both couples have since had kids and have a very different parenting style to us. We can't die! None if our parents would be capable.

We never over thought it.

We asked my dbro/SIL who had their heads screwed on and were good with financial things if they could take control. Perhaps take ds in in the direct aftermath until whereever they decided was best for him was organised, and longer term organise the best thing to do with our estate for ds's benefit.

Once we are gone we cant control what happens, even those who have agreed and are written into wills may change their minds when faced with the reality of raising someone elses kids. the best we can hope for is someone makes good decisions for ds.

We started with DH's nephew and his wife. They were a sensible age (nephew is same age-ish as me).
Then after nephew got divorced and DC got a bit older, we named my best friend who was/is more up to speed on their various issues and has the time to help.
Both DC now young adults, though neither properly launched yet.

Your children's needs will change as time passes as do the situations of potential guardians. Maybe better to nominate a few people who will get together and decide what would be best rather choose someone who is meant to take on the responsibility regardless of the situation at the time of your hypothetical death.

This in the will plus you need a financial plan for how you’re funding the kids if you did die, that you also tell the relevant people about. Otherwise it’s not a workable plan if it ever needed to be used.

Have you actually asked any of these people op?

No "of course" about it. My children have godparents and are being raised in the church with their godparents involved. Has nothing to do with taking them on if DH and I die. Not by custom and certainly not legally.

DH's sister is named in our wills with financial provision. We are named in my brother and husband wife's wills for our niece and nephew.

Interesting, as that’s not what our solicitor told us. We set up guardianship and trustees when we were making the wills. We also plan to review the wills every 5 years or so, so would obviously reconsider guardianship then if required.

We've chosen one sibling each to be jointly trustees of the money and guardians, and the DC will go to whichever aunt/uncle is more appropriate at the time. If we died now it would be DP's sibling (big house, SAHP, one older cousin), but in several year's time it would probably be mine (geographically closer, cousins the same age). We ruled out our parents because they're in their 70s and 80s, and we're not expecting to both die now, we're also planning for if the worst happened in, say, 10 or 15 years' time.

My kids are beyond this stage now (23,21,19) but when they were little it was BIL and his wife. They then moved to Canada and had their own dc and we decided that they weren't the best alternative for us, didn't agree with their parenting style and also being 9000 miles away from my side of the family.

So I asked my (child free by choice) best friend and she said yes! So the kids would have needed to relocate by about 70 miles within Scotland which was ok by everyone.

But we've never needed it and they're too old now to need supervision but would need support, which my brothers and parents would help with. My dad is 78 but great with financial stuff so he's aware yhat if the worst happens, he's up!!

Our best friends! They are amazing parents, have children and they agreed.
I don't care about our families feelings about this matter. I want the best for my children and for us, this is the right decision.

If they would go to grandparents, there is a big chance the children will be moved later on again, due the grandparents age; which isn't ideal.
If they go to family members who lives far away, you would have to make a child to change school and friends on a top of loosing the parents.

I think you also need to consider who will be best at supporting your kids through the massive trauma of losing both their parents: it won't be like going on an extended sleepover with Auntie Jane.
They will have lost their main security. Would anyone be in a position to move in with your children (rather than vice versa), or live close enough to mean that that as well as losing their parents, they don't need to also lose their school, friends, neighbourhood.

It's a very difficult decision when you don't have a convenient sibling who would happily have them, and your parents are older.

Our parents are mid/late 70s and definitely couldn't cope with a small child. We've appointed my BIL as the advisor - they don't have kids and I wouldn't expect them to take our child on (he barely knows them anyway), but I would trust my BIL to make sensible decisions. We have also set up an insurance policy which pays out for our child's care if we both die, so that whoever he goes to won't be too out of pocket. Realistically I suspect our close friends would take him.

We asked good friends of ours whose parenting styles we agree with. We see them often, they know the kids well and “get” them all. They have a similar approach to understanding their individual educational needs, etc, and I know my kids would be safe and loved. We obviously checked that this was okay with them both before setting up guardianship with them in our wills. (My parents are dead, brother drug addict. His parents divorced. Mum crazy and Dad very unwell. Brother is lovely but lives in a country town in the middle of the desert. My kids are city kids. They wouldn’t adjust, and barely know him even if he is awesome.)

My brother and sil are named in our will as guardians. They are child free by choice. We talked to them and we have an understanding that the kids might not live with them buy they would take the lead in deciding what is best. Our kids are a bit older now so if they are in exam years they might not want to move, they might stay with a friend to finish their exams, brother might stay here for a while, who knows. My parents might move in even thiugh they're getting older.

But the main thing is that I trust my brother to make the right decision for them at whatever age and stage.

I almost worry more as they get older. When they are small it's blindingly obvious that they need taking care of, a home to live in etc. But a 19 yr old might appear capable of living independently, and might think he wants that. When in fact they will still need a lot of caring for, especially if they have lost a parent.