What am I getting so wrong?

[desperateforthis]

My son is 4. He's always been fiery, he has a temper and can be aggressive. He can scratch and hit and bite, he can say some nasty things trying to hurt you. There are many many good, sweet, kind and funny things about him too. But he can be aggressive and nasty at times I don't deny it

I've tried coming down on him like a tonne of bricks, I've tried using a stern voice, I've tried shouting at him, I've tried time out, I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried talking about his feelings, I've tried taking things away, I've tried firm boundaries, stepping away, you can be cross but you can't hurt me, I've tried reading books about feelings. We saw months worth of improvement, he was doing well in school, he stopped hurting us at home. School holidays have come around and we've gone backwards. I've been struggling, my mums rallied around me for support

But I've just been told, and he has, to his face after losing it thats he's a horrible little boy and that I haven't been disciplined enough with him. That I've let him get this way.

From the above what am I not doing? What magic trick am I missing here? I am so desperate because I know he's not a horrible little boy, I know he's lovely and bright and so many good things and he's becoming defined as something else and I can't stop that. I've taken him to the GP, his school etc no one suspects SEN. He just has big feelings and can't handle them, but I'm obviously not doing right by him. What am I not doing? Where do I turn next? My heart is broken for him

No judgement from me, some kids are tougher than others!

If you were seeing imprbovement during term time, perhaps he copes better with a rigid routine/framework. Is this something you can stick to even though it is the holidays? So whatever possible in the same order at the same time each day? Some children really need the consistencyof a predictable routine so the know what is going to happen next andwhat the expectations of them are.

My 6 year old is like this. After an hour of being hit/kicked this afternoon I had a panic attack. I just don't know how to help anymore and her behaviour is ruining our lives. Same as you, No SEN, tried all you have and more. Can't help really but know your not alone

Is it possible to just be that some kids are harder than others? Or is it a failure somewhere on my part? I really don't feel like I just let him get away with it, I don't but I've learnt that shouting at him, taking things away, punishing him it doesn't work with him. When we started talking about how our big feelings, reading books about them, talking about how we make other people feel, redirecting his anger to something that doesn't hurt others, rewarding the good behaviour we saw massive, massive improvements in him. For this person to act like I just sit back and do nothing and to get in a child's face and say he's horrible and you don't like him what good is that? I don't want my son to behave because he's scared of me. I love that he feels safe enough around me to not hold back. I do wish he'd stop with the violence again, after so much progress I'm gutted we're back here. But it hit so hard to be told that I'm getting it wrong and I'm making a rod for my own back I just try so hard and it feels like it isn't enough

Who has told him he is a horrible little boy?

His gran. My mother in law

Ok his gran shouldn’t have said this. But she was angry or panicking possibly. You know his behaviour is challenging.
So keep calm and don’t overreact. There’s no point falling out with his gran, you and he might need her support one day.

So school have no concerns?
His behaviour at home sounds quite extreme.
I agree with routines.
Have you never figured out any specific triggers? Things you can try and avoid happening in the first place?
At school we use an intervention called the anger gremlin which you can buy on Amazon.

First up - it does not sound as though you have done anything wrong from your description of all you have tried - we are so quick to blame ourselves as parents, but every child is different and makes different demands on us.

I would suggest that you keep MIL well away from him as a first step.

And then it might be helpful to pick one response from the menu and both you and OH use this every time. It could possibly be confusing to him that his behaviour gets different reactions each time, so that might help as it sounds as though he likes a firm structure. I can absolutely understand you wanting to give everything a try, but it might help to pick a response that instinctively feels right to you and use this every time for a while, so he knows what to expect. It is hard to use a strategy that does not accord with your instincts.

Good luck - one of my GSs was awful when little but is now an adorable young adult.

Keep managing your child’s behaviour with calmness if you can. I’m sure that’s easier said than done.
I wish I had answers for you.
Can you play with him more? Try to develop his independence age appropriately? Does he have routine? Do you read/share rhymes and stories? Do you go outside/to the park? Does he have a calm bedtime routine and enough sleep?
Above all do not let him hurt you by hitting etc.

Well done you for researching strategies and finding things that make a positive difference. Focus on this and stick with it - it's a long game, but you are finding how to have a positive effect.

Have you read any Ross Greene?

Sounds like your Son lacks the developmental capacity right now to cope more adaptively with those big feelings. There is zero point in punishing a child for lacking the skills to cope better. Nurturing your relationship and building those skills (when he is ready) are the way to go.

Who knows if it is just the trajectory of his personal development - we're all different, or whether there is an underlying factor. Lots of us have concerns dismissed for years but go on to have children diagnosed with autism and ADHD when they are a bit older and it becomes clearer to other people. Good luck OP.

I too would guess having more structure might help. A nice visual timetable with slots and predictable activities. So e.g. breakfast, dress, quiet play, play with mum, snack, craft, lunch, outside activity, snack, quiet play, TV, meal, read, bath, bed.
That sort of thing?

You could also make a visual table of crime and consequences so he knows hitting equals x biting equals x

You could do a rewards chart which he can earn rewards - you know what he likes -

he chooses tea on Friday - he gets sweets after tea - movie with mum etc

And the person that is getting it wrong is MIL. Absolutely not acceptable to shame a child like that. She would appear to have zero insight as to how to respond to challenging behaviour, so try not to let her commentary get under your skin and try to protect DC from that sort of potentially damaging remark.

Lots of good suggestions from other pps. Don’t give up OP, you have helped your child improve before, you can do it again.
Can you get some rest yourself? Anyone who can give you a hand or a bit of moral support?

So he’s 4 and at school? Reception about to begin year 1? My little girl was an absolute nightmare at this age, especially after school. Not sure I like the current trend of blaming all bad behaviour on sen🙄
personally I think our kids are in formal education much too soon and some adjust better than others.

You had a panic attack threw dealing with a 6 year old? No wonder she’s taking the piss.

He went months without incident. He went all day yesterday without a blip. It's not an everyday thing whatsoever. But it has become far more frequent again since school holidays started. Just feel like I'm a completely shit mum at this point and I'm so exhausted by it. I just want to do right by him and it feels like I'm not.

We tried harsher parenting at first, I would raise my voice and we would take things away and his behaviour got worse from it. It was like we'd started a power struggle. So I started trying a gentle, loving approach of coaching him through the feelings and accepting them but redirecting away from violence and stuff and it really did work. I don't know why it's all going so bloody wrong again.

I do lose it with him sometimes, we have a 6 month old baby and this past week he's started hurting him when he flips which he had never done before. When he did that I proper shouted, shoved him off. I'm not perfect. But I didn't think I'd totally failed by him

...we have a 6 month old baby...

That will be a big thing for him OP, he's adjusting to his new position in the family, it's a big adjustment for a little one. Keep going with your calm loving approach, if it worked before it can work again.

You have not totally failed him. You are struggling, as all parents do at times. And your awareness of his needs and the desire to get things right make it clear that you are a good parent but you are facing big challenges at the moment.

I do think that the presence of a new baby in the household is very relevant. He has been at school all term, but now he is home all the time and can see for himself that the baby is taking up a lot of your time and attention. He will not like that of course - but it is a fact you cannot change.

It might help to organise time to be with him on his own - take him out and give him your full attention for a couple of hours and leave baby with someone else. I certainly found that helped in this situation. Some people are tearing their hair out with just a 6 month old, so you have even more to cope with.

You need clear strategies to help in this situation and feeling you are a bad mother or have failed him just muddies the waters and makes it hard for you to deal with it all rationally.

He is not allowed to hurt the baby. You must keep them safe /apart. It should get easier when school starts up. Cuddle and smooch with the baby when your son is in bed. Keep baby up in high chair, pram, cot. Focus on talking to and occupying 4 yr old while he is at home.
However rule is we do not hurt people.

I don’t know OP. I’m finding your posts are doing a drip feed? First you are at the end of your tether with 4 year old kicking off. Then it’s MIL who has said something unpleasant to DS when he is behaving badly.
Now DS has hurt the baby ….
Is this genuine or are you winding this up?

You're not doing anything wrong.

He is struggling to cope with his emotions and he is wired to lash out when that happens.

Keep on trying and one day you'll find some "tools" that he can use to cope.

The baby part won't help, he has had his world turned upside down. I was a sahm and had Ds2 and poor Ds1 had to learn to share me, his Dad and his toys. It certainly sounds you like you are trying everything you can. You are not a shit Mum at all, just someone who has a strong willed child who is little and struggles with his feelings.

I agree with others, routine in the holidays worked really well for us. Not necessarily a strict time slot but just periods of we are doing X. Honestly Pinterest is an incredible resource for coming up with ideas to entertain children. We also had an indoor mini trampoline, great for burning off energy, we also had Friday night "disco" with a light ball spinning bright colours and lots of high energy dance music.

I had to put a childgate up on the landing to stop Ds1 trying to wake Ds2 and also to keep him safe as they do not realise how fragile babies are.

Sorry I'm not trying to I'm just still reeling from it all. I know his behaviour isn't ok at times, I am struggling, it all just came to a head tonight with mother in law telling him he's a horrible little boy and she doesn't like him. It was so not ok to speak to him that way. But it's touched a nerve too. Her saying I've failed him, I guess because I worry I have? When he has started lashing out again and at the baby etc. I don't know. we did make so much progress it's so upsetting to be in this position

It’s a lot to manage, a four year old and a six month baby. There’s bound to be times where it’s difficult. You are your child’s best support so hang on in there.
Perhaps seek help from the GP or the health visitor?
Dont expect your 4 year old to be pleased about the baby being there, that might come later. Carry on his day with the baby fitting round for the time being. Keep baby safe.