What am I getting so wrong?

[desperateforthis]

My son is 4. He's always been fiery, he has a temper and can be aggressive. He can scratch and hit and bite, he can say some nasty things trying to hurt you. There are many many good, sweet, kind and funny things about him too. But he can be aggressive and nasty at times I don't deny it

I've tried coming down on him like a tonne of bricks, I've tried using a stern voice, I've tried shouting at him, I've tried time out, I've tried reasoning with him, I've tried talking about his feelings, I've tried taking things away, I've tried firm boundaries, stepping away, you can be cross but you can't hurt me, I've tried reading books about feelings. We saw months worth of improvement, he was doing well in school, he stopped hurting us at home. School holidays have come around and we've gone backwards. I've been struggling, my mums rallied around me for support

But I've just been told, and he has, to his face after losing it thats he's a horrible little boy and that I haven't been disciplined enough with him. That I've let him get this way.

From the above what am I not doing? What magic trick am I missing here? I am so desperate because I know he's not a horrible little boy, I know he's lovely and bright and so many good things and he's becoming defined as something else and I can't stop that. I've taken him to the GP, his school etc no one suspects SEN. He just has big feelings and can't handle them, but I'm obviously not doing right by him. What am I not doing? Where do I turn next? My heart is broken for him

He is generally a great big brother, knowing how he can be I was worried but he took to it so well. He is so gentle and loving with his brother. Just this last week he has had started having outbursts again and being quite violent and during them has scratched and pinched him it's so fucking hard. I just want to do right by him and I don't want to shame him but I also need him to know it's not ok.

@notahappybunny7 piss off. I have two other kids who I have managed to parent perfectly well and without issue. Dd is harder. You have no idea what we deal with so fuck your judgement. And it's through, not threw

Well said.

Why do these threads always flush out uncharitable souls with a fixation with explanation marks?

Exclamation marks even!

Hi OP, I am also struggling big time with my 4 year old. He’s going into reception in September.

When he’s not unhappy he is such an animated, joyful, happy little child. But it takes so little to make him unhappy. And just like his happy emotions, his negative emotions are huge. Massive screaming, thankfully not loads of violence but he hits our hands really hard and will sometimes hit our arms (thankfully not really hard). But vocally he’s awful, when he’s really wound up he’ll scream things like shut up, you idiot, I hate you etc.

Ive read the Explosive Child which I didn’t find useful for his age at all. I’ve read How To Talk etc, 10 days to a less defiant child, but none applicable or useful to him.

I feel like people think we’re crap parents because it’s impossible to discipline him when the red mist descends.

How about consistency? You mention a lot of different approaches, that are a lot to fit into a 4yo's life.

Whatever was working recently, maybe stick to that approach. Don't let him, or other people's comments put you off. You know your child best and he will come good. I know it feels tough but keep going. Some dcs are just more determined than others. You're doing fine.