Regrets

[Pam1980]

I read recently that 10% of parents regret becoming parents. I was relieved to read it. I’m a single parent, 4 kids. I hate it. Even though I have help from family, I dread the thought of them returning. I know I should feel guilty/ ashamed etc so you can save any criticism but I’m just so fed up of being a slave, not being free, having no identity etc. And yea, it was my choice to be a parent so it’s my own fault, I get it all, so save those obvious comments too. In my real life, the one I enjoy, I’m a professional, I don’t drink/ smoke/ gamble, I’m very successful at work, I just hate having children.
Why am I writing this you might ask? I guess I’m wondering if I’m alone in my anger and unhappiness. I do love my children but I wouldn’t be upset without them.
I’m expecting a truck load of insults at this point …but who cares, it’s not going to make me any more depressed.

Thing is with parenting is that I don’t think people really understand what it is like until they do it. A lot of people have a rose tinted view of what parenting will be like.
I struggle at times, but I think you’ve got to consciously find the joyful parts of parenting and try to focus on them. I get what you mean though op, it can be tough.

I only have 2 but I imagine having 4 and being a single parent is very full on. Are they young?

14, 12,10,7.
Thanks for the response. I appreciate it.

OP why did you have 4? I cannot stress enough that this is a genuine question that I would like to understand. No judgement just curiosity.

My situation is that I always wanted children, my whole life. by my early 30s I was frantic to get pregnant.

The very moment that I did get pregnant I sort of knew I was in for a tough time. It was sheer biological drive. Logically I hate mess and chaos and sleep deprivation. My DC give me intense joy and purpose but I will admit I'm not entirely cut out for mothering.

I'm very successful at work and in my relationships so I don't think I'm deficient but parenting is a slog. And both boring and terrifying.

I think being a single parent must be really tough. I love my children to bits, but I think I would resent the mess they make it I couldn't send them out to the playground with DH so I can get it sorted in peace. I assume you are very worn out because it is relentless.

We had four as my ex wanted to and I thought we were in it together. He sees them for a few hours a week now and makes no financial contributions due to his unemployment.
Resentment is the correct word. When my 7 year old is 21 I’ll be 57!!! Even if my health stays with me (which is suffering physically and mentally already), I feel like I’ll be well past my best years then.
I’m angry all the time, with them. So naturally they’re angry all the time too and snappy with each other. I can’t blame them. They’re mirroring my behaviour. It’s just a horrible endless cycle of negativity.
I don’t want to die. When I’m not with them I feel human again, I remember who I am and I love it. When they’re with me (which is 90% of the time), it feels like a sentence. A painful, hopeless sentence.
I’ve made arrangements on the off chance I don’t see this through. So often, not being here is a far more preferable choice. When I hear about tragic deaths on the radio, I’ve wished it was me sometimes. I know how horrible that sounds.
I realise you will all want to tell me to get a grip and stop being selfish but I feel trapped.
Men get their lives back if they want it. We cannot.

I have 2 (grown up now) and I’m still with DH, who did most of the work, and I found it tough. Honestly, I can’t imagine being a single parent to 4. You have my utmost admiration and sympathy.

When did you start to regret it? After the 4th child..?

You sound in a really dark place. Please talk to someone in real life.

If your ex is unemployed can he take the children much more? If he isn’t abusive I think I would tell him you and the children need a break and it’s his turn to do the 90% for now. Then you can recover yourself and hopefully start to enjoy the time you do have with the children and reset this destructive spiral of anger.

You need help. Most people will over the course of their lives. It would not be better if you were dead, that’s forever and you can still have a rich life for many years in the future. At 32 I thought almost all happiness was over for me. In my early 50s I have had wonderful times and happiness over the past 20 years.
💐

You sound depressed and desperate, not horrible.

Oh that's so sad for hear. I hope you find people to help out or the ex funds a cleaner or after school club etc
You need a break and time to look after yourself or have your own hobbies.

Please don't see your life as wasted-
What's more important than raising children? What a privilege. Take pride in being a mother and spending your life doing it

I could have wrote this as I also have 4 and im a lone parent however I have zero family help (they would never have 4 kids!) And my ex doesn't see them. I hear people say you never regret having children but I do. I can't say it though as get sneered at for having 4 but I didn't expect to be raising them alone. I enjoyed the baby stage but they are much harder now they are older much much harder.

Why doesn't the father see his children? Does he financially support them at all?

Because he doesn't want to. Never had them overnight and only ever took them out on his own once and we split 6 years ago. Also unemployed so no maintenance.

I’m beyond grateful for the replies. I needed to vent but expected twitter- style trolling in response. So thanks.

I don’t think I’m depressed as I love so many things about life. When I’m alone I’m a new woman. I’m just sick of being a full time parent with a job and kids that don’t sleep well with every day blending into the next and everyone telling me how unwell I look (they’re correct btw). My ex has an addiction issue and lives far away now so he’s got a free pass it seems. The kids don’t want to be with him either but I can tell they also fear my anger. Which upsets me too.
I don’t see parenting as a joy or privilege, I wish I did. I love my job more - as hideous as that sounds.

I do have after school clubs, family help etc so I am really lucky. But everything they do annoys me. Constantly cleaning, cooking, endless repeated questions, dragging their heels getting dressed/ eating, bedtime routine is messy as they’re anxious. The house is a laundry, endless washing.

Anyway, I’m venting again and you all clearly understand- so thanks for replying.

@MaxwellCat Thanks for the reply. You’re right. Family isn’t eager to take on 4 kids and my parents say their childminding days are over. Which is fair too.
It’s such an awful position to be in. I miss my life. It’s over until I’m ‘old’ or at least older than I am now. There’s no escaping. I also don’t want to be the cause of mental health issues with my kids but I fear I will as I’ve mentioned being stressed and unable to cope. Which is stupid of me but who else can I talk to ?

I asked my mum for help to stop me having a break down and she said "no one has 4 kids!" Her attitude is very much you chose to have them, deal with it! Which is fair enough. I can relate to what you said about men moving on and living their lives without a care in the world, my ex is free to do whatever he likes yet I've been single for 6 years because I am with the kids 24/7 its a very lonely existence, its hard not to feel bitter.

@MaxwellCat
God - he is a disappointing father. I'd like to think I wouldn't have had more than 1 child with him once I seen what he was like though.

Can you get them to do more chores?
They should be cleaning up dishes, hanging up clothes. Delegate some tasks to them! They're old enough to take on more responsibility.

And I think it's fine to say ''there's 4 of you..dad isn't helping out..so you guys have these jobs to do..''

I think all children should do chores and take on responsibilities (age appropriate) in their own home.

I’m sorry to hear their dad is a no go.
Would you feel a bit better if you sat the children down with a packet of biscuits some time when it hasn’t been hellish for at least an hour, and say you want to apologise as you know you get too angry sometimes and it’s not how you want to be. And that you love them and it’s not their fault or problem, but you find work and house and everything really difficult at times as a single parent. Reassure them that you’ll find your way etc.

No doubt the eldest ones would be embarrassed and a bit uncomfortable but it might still go in. I think children, - even adult ones it appears on this Forum sometimes, just don’t think of their parents as fully formed independent people with their own things going on.
If you can cling on to the fact that you love each other while you try to find away to make life a bit easier …

I love my children (now adult) but there is so much drudgery and boring stuff amongst the good bits. Some of them can be so unreasonable and foul in adolescence too 😂

I haven't often come across parents of one child feeling like this. I'm sure some do but I just haven't experienced it in all my years of working in child protection. Usually it's people with 2 or more children are unhappy and barely keep their heads above water for years.

It'll be better OP but do not have anymore if you ever get into another relationship. It's not worth making your existing children's lives any worse. It is a painful thing to sense your parents regret you. It doesn't how well a parent thinks they hide it- children sense it.

also op- maybe it would be better if the children lived with their father(s) or other family members if you do dread them coming home. They'd probably be happier and you definitely would.

Also OP- reading your post back regarding being snappy with them and the children displaying the same behaviours. They are going to turn into very angry and hurt young men and women. Please get support. They deserve better and this isn't an attack.

Your not alone I'm feeling like this OP. Just come across this whilst crying in bed because my 18 month old DS won't sleep ... again.

We have 2 children and sometimes I love it and other times I feel like I just want my life to end because I feel trapped under all the responsibilities and have no freedom to do things I want. Even go to the cinema or go for a nice evening stroll with the dog etc. every single minute of my time is taken up with either work or the kids and the constant mess, crying, tantrums, laundry, running around kids clubs, changing nappies, sometimes I daydream about what my life would be like if I didn't have them. I know it's a phase and this too shall pass, but it's so hard when your in it. I also get angry and snap and hate myself for it after.

I agree with the idea of sitting the children down and asking them to help and pull together as a family/team. Explain you want to stop being angry but you can't pour from an empty cup. Maybe ask your mum again for help. And please speak to somebody as there might be support out there that your not aware of. Best of luck OP x

I feel for you @Pam1980 , I felt the same , fortunately I only had one and had help but I still felt stifled and overwhelmed.
I was very young, if I'd have been older and more mature I never would've had them.
Would their father take them ?
People always look down on women who do this , but it's more acceptable for men to just bigger off.

I really feel for you OP, that sounds tough, and you do seem to be in ever decreasing circles.

As others have said you need to have a Team Meeting where they realize the gravity of the situation and each commits to doing their bit to help out.
Also family therapy to address the shouting/ escalation because as you say you don’t want them to have mental health issues when they are older, and presumably you want to have a relationship with them/grandchildren in the future.

In terms of what you want … what is it that you actually want in terms of your life now. For example is it an hour child free per day, or seeing them step up… what would be good for you.

you are also allowed to tell them to do stuff. e.g. There is so much laundry, I need to know one of you is doing a load after school everyday, or I cooked, A and B are washing up and getting the kitchen clean.