Regrets

[Pam1980]

I read recently that 10% of parents regret becoming parents. I was relieved to read it. I’m a single parent, 4 kids. I hate it. Even though I have help from family, I dread the thought of them returning. I know I should feel guilty/ ashamed etc so you can save any criticism but I’m just so fed up of being a slave, not being free, having no identity etc. And yea, it was my choice to be a parent so it’s my own fault, I get it all, so save those obvious comments too. In my real life, the one I enjoy, I’m a professional, I don’t drink/ smoke/ gamble, I’m very successful at work, I just hate having children.
Why am I writing this you might ask? I guess I’m wondering if I’m alone in my anger and unhappiness. I do love my children but I wouldn’t be upset without them.
I’m expecting a truck load of insults at this point …but who cares, it’s not going to make me any more depressed.

@Jellyx and @AvidMerrian can I ask how you would actually make them help and contribute?

I am genuinely asking, as I am in a similar (thought not identical) position to the OP. I have four kids aged between 3 and 12 and I am struggling. One of them is rude and mean to all of us, two of them are mean and rude to each other and the other siblings, and one of them is 3. I have tried endlessly to model picking up after yourself, being kind to others, stepping out for a bit if you need time to recover instead of lashing out, just bloody THINKING before you do something, but their capacity to trash the house and create loud chaos, and hurt each other and me seems totally endless.

So I am genuinely asking HOW you make kids of age 8-12 help clean up (or even better, not make the mess in the first place)?

@HappyAsASandboy
Good question.
I think the methods will depend on the children.
Some ideas include

• get rid of all clutter in the first place - children can donate un used items > less mess to clear up

> charts can be made about who's chores are who's. > children can help in making a menu for the week - the right of choosing meals but the responsibility of also helping do dishes

Reward can be given but also comsequences if not followed - same for any behaviour we do or don't want to see repeated.

I'd recommend a family meeting - you can ask kids for ideas of how they can help their own family and agree a family plan.

Loads of free printables available online and loads of ideas on Google /YouTube. Tailor to what suits your family.

@Pam1980 you sound under enormous pressure.

Seconding what other posters have said - you need to talk to them. They are old enough to understand if you spell I put clearly and calmly. They need to be doing more to respect your needs.

Some things for you to consider:

• Would you want 1 hour to yourself every end day as protected time? I.e. in the hour after everyone gets home from school they are expected to give you space and occupy themselves elsewhere. Ok, it's school holidays now, but during term they must have homework. So they are expected to do an hour where they get their work done (and then entertain themselves when finished) but don't ask anything of you and stay out od whatver room you're in. 1hr 3 times a week. It's not much to ask them.
• They can all step up on household tasks. You say your house is a laundry. So they pitch in? We run out machine basically every day one or another. Can everyone be in charge of getting their laundry into correct baskets (a 7 year old can sort by colour) by e.g. 8pm. On Monday it is DC1s turn to take the fullest basket and load/start machine to run overnight. Wednesday is DC etc. You Do Tues/Thur/Sat. Hanging will probably still be mostly your job (a 7 year old might drive me nuts with bad hanging!). One basket per kid that you load into when clean. If they need anything they can fish it out, otherwise there is a designated day they are expected to collect their basket and fully put everything away.
• dishes also need to be On a rota. Perhaps your job on days when you're not in charge of laundry, each DC takes one day. If you have a dishwasher7yo can definitely still load/unload.

With 4DC, each one of them can take on a small bit of the burden but still make your life easier. I'm a year or two they can start taking on more e.g. you designate one dat (and only one day!) To be thorough cleaning day. 45 minutes to give one room a proper clean. Then you all go to something fun afterwards.

Don't nag/shout. Just have clear penalties if things aren't done and allow no excuses.

To those pointing out that it is usually this with multiple chdren who are struggling most - well, yes, obviously! There is more workload! When they are small there's no way round that - mine run me ragged some times. I've achieved nothing this morning because I have a sick toddler on my lap, and I'm aware that my eldest hasn't brushed her hair yet and my youngest needs clean sheetsbefore nap time as he threw up on them this morning. Upstairs is a TIP. I think as they get older you get more "team mates" though. That takes time and effort though, which if you have no support..... that's tough.

Good luck OP. Be kind to yourself. It's ok to regret how things have turned out, you didn't plan to do this alone.

@HappyAsASandboy

1. you say this situation is unsustainable and is making life miserable for everyone; there is too much work for one person and doing everything whilst you guys have your face in a screen is not happening any more.
2. All the time that I am being a skivvy, makes you guys lazy and entitled, and it means that we have not time to do anything nice as a family which makes all of us feel angry and resentful.
3. Specifically, I want volunteers to help out with laundry; cleaning; garden; recycling and food preparation.if you don’t volunteer you will have tasks allocated.
4. All the time I have to spend asking/cajoling/shouting for you help is time wasted. Mine and yours.
5. massive cut down on screen time.

Hi All. Just to address your points (and thanks again).
Yes we have team meetings and tasks/chores are given but as you prob experience, many have to be re done. But that’s okay, they do contribute.

Yes I’ve sat them down and apologised for my mood and they’ve been receptive to that which is great. I do it frequently.

My extended family wouldn’t take the kids as they are either older, live far away or have their own kids. 4 is a lot to expect anyone to take.

I realise there are phases and they each bring their own stresses, but they pass.
I think the fear/resentment is that my life if effectively over until I’m 57 and by then many things will have changed in terms of my personal life/ outlook/ opportunities etc. I think it’s a logical, understandable frustration.

I suppose ideally what I’d like is to not have them full time, to be able to share it with their dad so we both get a sense of self as well as parenthood. If I get an hour off here and there that can only be used for cleaning, making the next meal or planning work. I work after they sleep and I’m up at six again. My health has declined a lot in the last year including cardiac problems.

I don’t expect solutions here, I’m just using it to vent so apologies to those vexed by my posts.
Thanks for the ideas and empathy. It has helped me a lot.

I feel for you, 4 kids is so much, especially being a single mother.
I feel like before you even get started on chores, it’s more important to address the negative spiral of thinking. I feel like you’re making yourself feel even worse with your thoughts. It’s difficult but maybe you need to stop some of these thoughts in their tracks and challenge them. I think CBT can really help with this. Make yourself say stuff like “I’m thankful for my beautiful kids”. I know from experience how bad our thought lives can get. If the kids are caught up in all the snappiness, the whole environment will be feeling oppressive and difficult. For there to be moments of joy and fun amidst all the chaos, you need to move your thoughts into a batter place. I’m not saying it’s easy though - it’s really hard. Maybe there is even some online CBT you could do that would help

I am surprised that only 10% of parents regret having children. Of course, some parents may just not be willing to admit it.

Me and DH chose not to have children but a lot of our friends have them and certainly more than 10% of them say they regret it. I am talking parents with grown up children, many with grandchildren and some even with great grandchildren

You say your life is effectively over - but in what way would your life not be over with 4 kids if their dad still lived with you? What could you do hugely different if he was there that you can't possibly do now he's not there? You say you have family help so maybe finances would be slightly easier, maybe he'd chivvy them along a bit as well as you - but it wouldn't have been a completely different life surely? There'd still be 4 kids for you both to look after and pay for. With 4 kids life was going to be challenging whether he stuck around or not. So I think you need to be angry at your ex for being a waste of space but also at yourself for making poor decisions - like going along with having 4 children. Then you need to try to forgive both of you so you can move on more positively and not take your misdirected anger and resentment out on the children.

You're well out of the demanding baby/terrible two's/potty training ages now so I'm wondering why your kids aren't sleeping - I think that's worrying when they're 7+. Unless there are other issues we're not aware of I'd be concerned that they don't feel safe, that they're worried you don't like them, that they're scared you might one day just leave as well. You know that your behaviour is affecting them and it might well be affecting them even more than you realise. The other possibility is that they're ND - is that a possibility?

OP I think you really, really need to try to reconnect with your kids and find the things you do like about them. The things you can enjoy with them. Things that will make your life and their life 100 times better. Playing card games together, cooking a meal together, going for a walk together. doing something one to one with them at times, reading to the youngest, playing a computer game with one of them, doing a puzzle together. There are so many enjoyable things you can do with these people that are also your kids.

What are the great things about your job OP I wonder that you don't feel you can get/do/be at home?

Never have I heard someone hit the nail on the head quite as well as you.
FOMO is the main reason for choosing to have children.
I regret it so so much. This leaves me feeling terribly sad and lonely as really, who can you say this to other than a psychotherapist (I do have one!), without the listeners view of you changing (for the worst).
It is so helpful to hear these frank accounts of not enjoying motherhood.
I have very brief spells of just small glimmers of enjoyment and my 2 boys (7 and autistic 10) are literally the best people ever. Adorable.
But I don't want to be their mum. I don't want the responsibility and I never did.
I refuse to feel ashamed. Why should we?
My brilliant and supportive DH is am amazing father. Thank goodness. He is the stable one of us
Every school holiday I feel that I can't cope with being around my boys. I force myself to be the "good mum" and take them out, engage them etc etc but I really just want to move out into a 1 bed flat and have my pre kids life back, which was perfectly fine and missing nothing.
The only real shame I feel is that I didn't ignore societies expectations and rely upon my own, internal voice and instinctual intelligence that parenting is not and would never be right for me. I've been a complete fool. Got myself trapped in a prison of my own making.

I too come back to life when not around my kids. I just want my pre mum life back. Thanks for your honesty. So refreshing. I am reading it and it's as though I wrote it

Pam, I also am angry ALL of the time and so then my boys are too. A mirror of myself. It's just like you said. No judgement here. Worst decision I ever made

The poor kids didn't ask to be born and to then be almost detested because you chose to bring them into the word. Op, i say this seriously, would you and your children be happier if they were in foster care? At the very least, ask SS for some help because your children don't deserve to be unhappy, angry and snappy because that's how you treat them. You would be much happier too without the burden of your children. You would get back the life that you so desperately crave.

Just wanted to say, I only have 2 and don't appear to have half the problems you have, but I feel like this sometimes. Don't beat yourself up.