Being an older Mum

[wonderings2]

Are there any older mums that would like to share their opinion?

I'm turning 40 at the beginning of next year and I would really love another baby, currently have a 4 year old starting school next month.

Brief life history...I met my now husband at 19, we bought our house when I was 24, married when I was 31 and had DD when I was 35. We spent most of our 20's and early thirties doing some travelling, building careers etc. and there never seemed a rush to do anything. If I'm honest I never felt ready for a baby (DH was aways very keen but understood I wasn't ready)

It turned out that even though I was very worried and obviously its one of the hardest things you can do, I actually really enjoyed it and honestly its been the making of me. Id planned to go back to work after mat leave ended then try again for another.

Unfortunately Covid hit, I lost my job (meaning we couldn't then move to a bigger house as planned) several family members got poorly and needed support and I needed to find another job...

Its taken until now to really get back on our feet, I've been in my job 2 years now, we can afford to move (although the way the housing market is at the moment who knows??)

Would it very selfish to have a baby at this age and with a bigger gap between DD too? Obviously its not a given that I could conceive at my age but its not unheard of either?

Do you have the energy? If not don't have one.

On the age gap. It is what you make it. I'm seven years apart from my sister and closer to her than lots of people who are two years arpart from their siblings.

Had my first at 39 ... ended up with 4

Hi @wonderings2 i had my first baby at 41 years old. I say go for it hun, don't let this time pass you by xx

Not sure about the energy but I have a hell of a lot more patience than I did 10 years ago.....

Seriously though its a good point.

Wow thats amazing, how do you find managing so many?

You're not too old, if you can conceive it's fine and natural. I had dc2 at 40 and it's fine, albeit I'm tired. Not everything can be perfectly timed, sometimes it is what it is.

I wanted a 2 year gap between dc and got it, but in hindsight 4 years might have been easier. In the younger years managing a baby and toddler was hard, and now they're older there's lots of competition which might have been easier with a bigger gap. Go for it if you want 2 dc. Good luck

It’s a very normal age gap so that’s not an issue, possibly even a plus. I’ve known people have babies at 40, it’s quite normal now. You could give yourself a year to see if it happens?

Tbh patience will solve a lot of the situations that energy with solve but in a different way. If you (and partner!) want one and think you can care for them have one. What else is there?

I had DS (my only) at 45+2. He was a bit of a late surprise 😊but I've loved every moment. I wasn't very fit before I conceived but had a trouble free pregnancy, not even any nausea, slightly slow labour, and a bit of help right at the end.

Ds was born 8lb, exactly 50th percentile, no issues.

At 47 I realised if I wanted to keep up, I needed to build up my fitness so started running. By 50 I could run 10k on a good day.

It's been plain sailing since. DS is 15 (tomorrow), I'm 60, and parkrun most weeks, and still cycle & practice martial arts with him. Work full time etc. He can out-ski and out-cycle me now but I don't mind. Three years until he heads off to university, at which point I'll retire.

I agree with @Imnotdrinkingmerlot Your body will tell you what's workable.

This is something that I have been thinking about too. Following out of interest ☺️

I think siblings with bigger age gaps often get on better as there’s not so much competitiveness. There’s 18 months between me and my brother and we can’t stand each other. So I wouldn’t let that put you off.

I was 39 and DD is now 17 and off to Uni in Sept (18 b4 then) I was unfit and had a difficult pregnancy somewhat related to my health prior but also got gallstones and got one stuck causing a bit of an emergency with surgery at 24 weeks and delivery at 32 weeks, all was OK in the end. I would say if you are fit and healthy and prepared to put effort into staying that way will be fine but I would also financially plan well with saving schemes for the kids for Uni or whatever they choose as there is an outside chance you wont be able to help as much. We have been lucky to inherit as well as have saved.

I had mine at 37 and 40 (well, 3 weeks before I was 41). I've never felt "too old" or "too tired", but now, at 52, I've realised I've still got a long time to retirement if my 11 year old is to acheive he academic ambitions! My peers amongst my colleagues are beginning to talk about retirement, DD is beginning to talk about postgraduate study....(she wants to work on (or in) Space).

You do what's right for you when it's right for you.

I had my first at 37 and second at 40. I probably don't have as much energy as I'd like but I'm menopausal and work full time (and have two dogs which is like having toddlers that aren't going to grow up!) however I do try and keep my fitness up which is a good thing to do anyway regardless of having DC to run around after.

I've got a 13 year gap between mine, I had DD at 29, she's now 25 and DS at 42, he's now 12. I've loved being an older mum. I had an easy pregnancy, easy birth, I was fit and healthy. I am now a few weeks off 54 and I'm still running round with him, we do loads together, all of which I am expected to participate so think trampoline or skate park for example 😆. I am now a lone parent and actually we're a good team. You're not too old IMO.

I had mine at 38 and 42. I wish I had a smaller gap tbh, and I do regret that I'll be so old when she's an adult. I had a TFMR between babies due to genetic issues - risk is higher when you are older. No miscarriages, and pregnancy and childbirth were easy. But no health problems with the dcs, though I also had (symptomless) gestational diabetes with DC2 and now have a higher risk of diabetes for life.

DC2 is just a toddler now and I don't feel too tired to keep up with her. But I'm keenly aware that risks of health issues increase with age, no matter how fit you are (I know many people a few decades older who have had cancer, though most successfully treated). I think in hindsight I just wish I'd started having my family when younger, though like you it just didn't feel the right time for various reasons.

Personally I think that being an older mum means statistically the odds are you're likely to be leaving your child in the situation of grieving for your death whilst caring for their own small children and I don't want this for my kids. That's the only issue I have, nothing to do with impact on your body or being too tired, just how shit it is to lose your mum at 35 compared to 55.

I'm 37, just had my first (3 weeks ago), and have a 10 yo ss who I love like my own. He loves the bones of my baby boy. We are a very close-knit little family. I'd happily have another tomorrow if I could....

DP thinks he's too old at 40. I believe it's just what you make it. We are all shattered with a newborn in the house, but none of us would change it.

It's not a strong enough argument. I lost my Mum at 32. She was only 60. Her parents lived into their late 80's. I got cancer 3 years ago when my son was only 9. You can't base your life on "what if" I don't think.

Obviously I'm talking about population level data not individual stories.

I hope you're doing OK personally. That's a sad and frightening situation to find yourself in without your mum.

I had DC2 when I was 40. All I can say is go for it now before it’s too late if it’s something you want.

I really don't think you are that old at all (unless you or DP have some health issue). I'm 41 and expecting my third in 2 months. Seriously thinking of having a fourth too.....
It's what you want, there's no reason no to, and of course having a child makes life that bit harder, but that's always true. No reason not to try and have what you want. Good luck x

Yes my friend has an eight year gap between her sons and they are a lot closer than many other brothers I know with smaller gaps. They are adults now and still really close at 22 and 30.
OP I had my first at 41, and I don’t think there is much difference at all between that and mid thirties. Mid twenties yes there is a difference, but 35-40 not at all. I am sure I have had less energy, but I also have more experience and patience. So there are pros and cons, but in your case I would absolutely go for a second.