Childcare and second child

[E1066]

Hi,
I’m a SAHM and that’s been agreed with my DH until the children are both in primary school. DD currently goes to a childminder twice a week which she adores and up until this month has allowed me to study as I am retraining - all good.

However, my DS is due in 4 weeks and I had previously thought that it would be best for DD if she starts going to childminder three times a week so that I can manage new born/bond with him/chores etc, but I’m worried i’m being selfish? To be clear DD loves her childminder and always comes back smiling and happy, I suspect she wouldn’t bat an eye lid at three times a week but for me it just seems a lot and as I am a SAHM I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? My next round of studying doesn’t start until next year in which case both children will have to be in childcare so I wonder if it even makes a difference Although obviously the cost needs to be considered 😬

for the record as well, I have zero family or support so it’s really the childminder and myself.

kind replies please
thanks

Personally I don't think you are being selfish, you are being practical. As long as you can afford it, I would send 3 days as it's a lot with a newborn.

DC1 went to nursery 3 days a week before DC2 was born and we kept her on those hours (DH had six months paternity leave, so I had plenty of support). Remember it's early years education, not just childcare. I think 3 short days or 5 mornings is a good time for dc to be in childcare once they are 2 - lots of organised activities and interaction with other dc.

Our 3 year old funding started for DC1 when DC2 was born and we upped his nursery hours so I could have the time with baby that I'd had the first time around. I did feel kind of guilty about this.

After 7ish months we decided to cut back the nursery hours a bit since both DCs got on so well, and in many ways it was easier and more fun looking after the two together.

It all worked out and overall I think I had the best of both worlds.

Per MN,apparently everyone tosses their older (preschool, older sibling of the newborns) in nursery/daycare....Despite the fact that their own mother/mum/mummy/ mother is at home daily.
It doesn't matter if you have family near by etc.
We have decided to have these precious children, so raise them.
Siblings deserve to BOND.
As mums it's a blessing to raise our babies together at home.

These posts absolutely break my heart.
No,it's not about money.
So don't even.

It's about realizing that as a parent,you have a beautiful responsibility.
Enjoy it!
Feel blessed to be in your position!

And realize you're sweet children deserve to be together.
Their sibling bonding starts from DAY ONE.

I’m not sure why @GoodInTheNeighborhood assumes that siblings need to spend 24/7 together in order to bond. I’d like to see some evidence to support the idea that spending a few hours in childcare a week negatively affects a sibling bond. Of course there won’t be any. This poster clearly has a specific agenda which is probably best not engaged with.

OP of course it is fine to send older DC to childcare a few times a week. You need rest and to establish feeding and looking after a toddler and a newborn together all week would be exhausting for you.

I have no hateful agenda in my response.
It seems some parents don't feel like they can accommodate toddlers and newborns.
And that is up to each individual family.
I obviously feel strongly re my family and raising my own children.

Each of you can only do what you can do.
No hate at all.

@GoodInTheNeighborhood have you not considered that some children would be more unsettled with a break to their routine?
A newborn can be a big upheaval and change to a household- going to the childminder/nursery will keep some consistency and give a chance to do activities that a parent to a newborn may not have time for.

Hi OP my circumstances are different to yours in that I usually work full time and 2yo DS is in nursery family care for him 1 day a week and he’s in nursery the other 4. We’re due our second baby in November.

Our plan is to keep DS’s nursery hours the same until January and then reassess. We might drop his days by a day or two.

Even though I absolutely loved the newborn stage last time, looking after a newborn is hard work. I think everyone will have a nicer time of it if DS sticks to his usual hours to start with. And as I said once we’re a bit more on top of things we might reduce his hours.

The day my mum looks after him she’ll probably all spend the day with her so that we’re all together but with an extra pair of hands

I was at home with a newborn and toddler and in hindsight the toddler would have benefited from some time in childcare. I was so exhausted and newborn so demanding that they were ignored a lot.

My 3 year old went to preschool 3 days a week when my daughter was born. I needed the slower days just as much as she needed the fun and interaction at preschool.

It's no doubt easier for you to send your older child off to childcare, but personally I never did that and had all pre-school children at home with babies. Those days are some of my happiest memories now. It doesn't last forever. I can see that if they are in a childcare setting already and would be returning to one that it would be good to keep it going for consistency but I couldn't be upping the hours personally. But look, you're on here trying to justify it to yourself aren't you? Just do what you want it's your life, we all parent differently.

If you can afford it, I would do it.

My DS goes to nursery twice a week. Will be continuing when I’m on maternity leave. I’m not going to increase it personally because my mum will spend most days with us entertaining him or holding the baby. But I would increase if I didn’t have that.

Kept my DD in nursery four days a week! And I’m on maternity leave! At home daily! Suck on that!

As a mum it’s a blessing to afford educational, entertaining, fun childcare for my older child while I established breastfeeding with a newborn/rattled around on no sleep being stupid from exhaustion – I have a beautiful responsibility to ensure my older DC doesn’t suffer from my sleep deprivation!/now he’s in a solid routine that involves endless meals and naps and feeds, I could keep her home and say, oh no art at the table right now, I’m feeding the baby here, oh no playground right now and for the next three hours actually, it’s time for a lunch nap, oh you want some TV? It’ll distract the baby from his feed so no.

Their sibling bond didn’t start from DAY ONE btw because I was in hospital.

I’m still raising both my children. (So is DP, incidentally, as their dad. Or is it just as mums you’re throwing out the guilt trip?) I’m using childcare for one. The other one will go in four days a week from 12 months. Still raising him, too.

So don’t even.

Definitely put them in for the 3rd. My situation is a little different but I’ll be using our available childcare to bond 1:1 with baby and take them to some groups, get out for a walk/coffee as I did for DC1! If your LO is with you 4 days a week that’s lots of time together (and far more than I’m able to spend with mine) so don’t feel bad at all!

We’re keeping 3 yo DS in pre school 3 days per week and my MIL will be around every fortnight on one of the days he’s off with me. I don’t feel remotely guilty at all. He’s settled there, enjoys going and my mental and physical health matters too.

Mine went to nursery two mornings a week until they got their 15hrs at 3yo. DD1 started at 16 months, DD2 started at 22 months. I sent them as it was FUN. They did completely different stuff to things at home. There's 20 months between them so it also meant I could go to midwives appointments without a toddler in tow.

Definitely not selfish. Currently have a 6wo and dropped 2yo nursery days from 3 to 2 because of finances. DS adores nursery and they do so much with him I can’t. I actually see it as much of a treat for him as a break for me. DH is around at weekends and 1 day grandparents are around (mixed blessing) so I do 2 days solo. It’s exhausting as DS needs to go out and expel energy but I’m up all night and breastfeeding so just want to sleep. Do what you need to do!

You know the older child isn't being sold into slavery or auctioned off on ETSY right? She's going to childcare a few days a week.

You really think a few hours in childcare constitutes primary care responsibility for raising a child?

And do you understand that they will live together possibly for several decades? May share a room. Go to the same childcare and school?

Should op and her partner both quit work to homeschool them so all four are never apart?

OP how old is your daughter? How long is she in childcare?
What will their childcare routine look like when your're studying? How old will your son be?

Personally when the 30 hours came in, I senty two youngest 15 hours (big one is in primary) so just turned 3 yo old.
We couldn't have afforded childcare without be bringing in money before that was want an option but I probably would have put them in a day or so of I could. They then went up to 30 hours cos studying post 9 pm was killing me so they're on full school Hours currently, obv off school holidays.

I think it's a balance of times - so 9-2 or 8-6? And age - heading to nursery age or still under 1 etc.

And I promise you can bond with older one at home too. Just think of all those multiples parents
Good luck

I think that’s definitely my concern, I really don’t want her to feel like she’s ‘second’ and given that he will have most of my attention for a while the 3 days a week seemed a good idea. I may also have to have a C section which will make it harder to look after two.

I suppose my MIL has gotten into my head about it which is why I’m doubting myself. I love my children so so much as we all do and I would never want her to feel like she’s being ‘palmed off’ as one poster has described it. I just really want what’s best for her and for DS so that they both feel special

It's up to you, of course. My 1st wasn't in any childcare when my 2nd was born so I had then both at home with me. It was exhausting and I really struggled with the lack of sleep to start with. Up during night with baby then early start with toddler and no chance to catch up with sleep during the day. But babies nap a lot so I still had quality time with toddler and toddler's activities meant that baby was easily entertained. I would have loved 1 day a week with just baby. More for my own sanity than anything else. I think if I was in your position I would keep your eldest in the routine of 2 days a week at childminder. That will give you 2 easier days and minimise the disruption for your child. It's also a change of scene for her and other people to play with so you don't need to feel guilty if you are having more at home days when she is with you.

@SleepingStandingUp DD is 2.5yo and currently does 8-530 two times a week. Studying also includes placement and supervision so would definitely need to fit that in around everything else.

Really appreciate these comments everyone, it’s helped a lot to hear other people’s positions xxxx

Actually I think my second daughter deserved the same one on one time and focus on her I enjoyed with my first daughter when she was a baby.

@GoodInTheNeighborhood per MN as usual women hating on women for managing the best they can for them and their family.

@E1066 I sent DS to nursery 3 days as that's what he did before sibling arrived. He went term time only. I needed it. He needed it. He has a beautiful bond with his brother.