Childcare and second child

[E1066]

Hi,
I’m a SAHM and that’s been agreed with my DH until the children are both in primary school. DD currently goes to a childminder twice a week which she adores and up until this month has allowed me to study as I am retraining - all good.

However, my DS is due in 4 weeks and I had previously thought that it would be best for DD if she starts going to childminder three times a week so that I can manage new born/bond with him/chores etc, but I’m worried i’m being selfish? To be clear DD loves her childminder and always comes back smiling and happy, I suspect she wouldn’t bat an eye lid at three times a week but for me it just seems a lot and as I am a SAHM I wonder if I'm doing the right thing? My next round of studying doesn’t start until next year in which case both children will have to be in childcare so I wonder if it even makes a difference Although obviously the cost needs to be considered 😬

for the record as well, I have zero family or support so it’s really the childminder and myself.

kind replies please
thanks

@GoodInTheNeighborhood If you didn't have a hateful agenda, perhaps you may wish to apologise for using such inflammatory language as 'tosses'?

We're all doing our best and making what we hope are the best choices balancing out one hundred and one different priorities and considerations.

Its fine. I think its good its a childminder tbh she will get quality 1:1 time and she wont know the diff between 2 and 3 days.

Your mil sounds like a dick. I'd tell her to keep her opinions to herself. Or better yet have my husband do it....

DC1 went to nursery 3 days a week before, during and after mat leave with DC2. A busy 3 year old had no interest in hanging out with his exhausted mum and a baby!

Don’t listen to this OP, it’s utter bollocks. Plus family help makes a HUGE difference. Every friend I know has their child in childcare least 1 day a week. Even my midwife told me to keep my son is childcare so I can focus on DC2 and rest!

My son is in nursery 5 days a week (‘short’ days, so not quite full time), and he loves it. I do work so that’s why, but I do also have 1 day off a week to catch up on errands and do housework. I know that if my son was stuck with me, he’d be bored. Childcare has major benefits including socialising with other children, learning things we might not thing of doing, lots of messy play, different food, phonics etc. I will also be needing a section, my DH only gets 2 weeks paternity, and we have no local family support. So quite frankly I don’t want to jeopardise my recovery by having to look after 2 children all day by myself after major surgery. And again, my son would be bored.

I'm a SAHM too and my DD is 2.5, she doesn't go to childcare but if your DD is happy I really don't see the problem with 3 days a week. I don't think it's selfish at all, also like others have said, consistency is key.

I have been reading Sarah Ockwell-Smith's Second Baby book (we are ttc) and she does say in there to try to avoid any big changes 3 months before birth or 3 after.

I've also thought to myself if I were to have another child I'd want to keep my DD home so she doesn't feel pushed out, but I also haven't forgotten what it was like with a newborn... I mean the breastfeeding alone. I really struggled getting out the house with my DD and I'm quite sure in retrospect that I had pp anxiety.

Good luck OP it will be nice this time around not being in a lockdown won't it?

@E1066 I find it much easier to prioritise my eldest child by conserving my energy by using nursery!

Some things that have helped us – and I had a section too so I wasn’t able to immediately play on the floor as she’d hoped! – are:

Whenever the baby is perfectly settled, plonk in Moses basket and tell them in earshot of your oldest, “No, you’ll have to wait because Eldest needs XYZ/it’s Eldest’s turn for mummy time, you take turns”. Then give undivided attention to eldest who has no real understanding that a dormouse-sleepy newborn isn’t really waiting their turn.

When the baby cries for whatever and your boobs and hormones urge you to run to them immediately, but your eldest needs something or is crying too, I always attended my eldest first. The baby can manage 3-5 extra minutes tired/hungry/poo nappy and will be easily settled once it’s sorted, Vs your eldest feeling pushed out and having more nuanced emotions. Obviously it helps to have a fairly settled baby and that’s a lottery!

“I need a special helper who knows where the nappies are.” Mine adored helping with the baby, being the special fetcher of nappies and cream and muslins, doing the nappy tabs (even when I had to redo them). It gives them a central role.

When heading out with the baby in the sling, I’d stuff DD’s teddy down her coat and zip it in, so she had a baby too, and we’d do the baby sling dance to make our babies sleep. We were in it together!

During cot naps (when we finally achieved them, blessed day), I prioritised meals and playtime and 1-2-1 time with her rather than cleaning the high chair or the 100 other things there are to do.

Bedtimes! Sacred time! It was tricky during the newborn clusterfeeding days but as much as humanly possible I do bedtimes with her, and I have pushed the baby into a routine/bedtime that means he’s down first so I can have 1-2-1 playtime before my eldest’s bedtime.

Nursery definitely helped my energy levels for dealing with two and navigating the emotional side of it and they have a lovely bond: she “reads” him stories in our bed every morning and tells me I’m not needed, she’s got this!

@spitefulandbadgrammar this is really helpful advice. I was thinking along the same thing but really appreciate it being confirmed. I will definitely take all of this on board thank you xxx

It's really up to you OP. I'm a big fan of not rocking the boat in the early days, so I'd stick to the normal routine but be prepared to be a bit flexible. So keep the 2 days of childminder, but if eldest seems to want to be home, maybe shorten the day a bit or make it clear to them that if they really want to stay home one day then they can (but it'll be a boring day, so they'd enjoy going out much more).

So much changes in their life, keep what you can the same.

My eldest was at preschool when her brothers were born. Honestly that worked really well for her, she had her own interests and time away from crying babies. But we stopped doing breakfast/tea club while I was on maternity leave, so she was doing 9-3 insteas of 8-5. Her brothers would fall asleep on school run, so we had some guaranteed time to chat about her day and get her set up with a snack/activity. DH prioritised her at weekends so she was getting plenty of 1:1 time. I'd had a section and was trying to tandem feed premature twins, so was spending a lot of time stuck on the sofa and not able to take her to the playground/swimming.

DC4 is due in a couple of months. The boys were going to start preschool, but we're pushing it back till the baby will be 4 months old so it's not too linked in their minds. BUT they will keep their nanny 2 days a week (which is what they currently have) so she can take them out to activities so they won't be missing out too much in the early days if I'm struggling.

Yes, people have always managed to juggle toddlers and newborns without nursery. But they used to have close extended family etc and children would play with neighbours from a young age. If your eldest needs social interaction, then you are responsible for making sure they get it, by whatever method works best for your family.

Another vote here for the 3 days.

The pro-SAHM commenter above would probably fall off her chair at my situation- dh will have extended paternity leave (probably 4m off then phased return) and I'll be off at least 9m too. And we are still keeping dd age 3 at nursery 3.5 days pw.

I did suggest to dh reducing the 3.5 to 3 days pw just to save a little money each month but he said no, we'll have our hands full as it is. He took 6m off after dd's birth and I was practically disabled for the first few weeks with a tricky c section recovery and this has really affected him. Also dd has never really got the hang of sleeping, ever.

I genuinely think continuing her nursery routine is best for dd. They do incredible activities there - this week they were learning about a particular abstract artist I'd never heard of and recreating his style of work in collage. She's been learning to write her name. She plays hours of football in their garden.

There's just no way we can recreate all that at home everyday when I'm bleeding and breastfeeding and drugged up on painkillers and antibiotics and laxatives and dh is rushing around cleaning and cooking and trying and failing to get dc2 to nap.

In the past a lot of these SAHMs with babies and toddlers at home would have had someone else to play with the toddler. Childcare is just a way to outsource that need when you don't have a family member filling it.

I kept my DS1 in nursery when I had my DS2.

I needed to keep his space and the nursery is popular so there was absolutely no certainty that they’d keep his place open.

It was good for ALL of us. My DS2 got some time to spend with his friends and not be with his frazzled mum. My DS1 got to go
to baby groups and I got some time to do the food shop and have a lazy day.

You don't need to tie the children together 24 hours a day to build a bond. Why are you trying to make op feel guilty

Op your eldest is already used to going I would definitely keep it up if you can as it gives her a chance to do activities your going to struggle to fit in through the early days it will also help long term as your cm is likely to take both children so less upheaval for everyone

Oh please, going to a childminders 3 times a week hardly means OP isn’t raising her child.

🙄

It isn't healthy for siblings to be together 24/7. Mine would fight each other. My youngest gets mummy time when the oldest is at school.