What to do when one child tells you the other has hit them?

[FunkyFangtooth]

My 6 year old DD has a couple of times come to me when her and my 3 year old DS have been playing in a different room, and told me my DS has hit her. Now this is possible, he has been going through a phase of being quite physical and rough recently with her and we are trying to really crack down on this with firm, clear consequences. However, I have observed a few times where they have been playing fine and he has maybe stumbled into her or picked something up and accidentally knocked her with it and she's dramatically shouted that he hit her. So it's also perfectly plausible that he hasn't hit her.

Obviously if he has hit her I want to ensure there are consequences as he really needs to learn we won't tolerate this. But if he hasn't hit her I don't want him to get a consequence when he hasn't actually done anything. I find it hard to get much sense out of him about what has happened, and I don't want to turn it into a "he said, she said" situation anyway.

For information, normally the consequence for hitting where I witness it is I remove him from the playing and he has to sit on the sofa and have a bit of quiet time away from the game. After a few minutes, I remind him how to be kind, and what words he could use instead of hitting, e.g. "Please can I have a turn after you." and then encourage (but not force) him to apologize.

So what do you do if one child tells you another one has hit/kicked/bitten them but you aren't sure of the reality of what has happened.

If one child is crying with a red mark on their arm then I’d punish the other in whatever your usual way is.

When I can’t be sure what has happened I remind them both to play nicely and remind them of the consequences if they don’t.

does he deny? Or say that he did do it?

Get a camera

I know what you mean. I have a 19 month old and an almost 4yr old and the 4yr old is quick to tell on the young one. But the young one is just being young so it's difficult to punish and also make the 4yr old understand.
I've also witnessed the 4yr old egging on the younger one, or teasing him to the point the youngest will be rough with him, then the tears start and he's actually brought it all on himself.

I don't recommend a camera as per pp. It breaks the trust between you all and you will become reliant on it to solve issues rather than using your instinct.

Neither really, he'll sometimes say it was an accident but usually doesn't make much sense. He's only just turned 3 and tends to just go into sulk mode if he thinks he might be going to get told off even if he's not!

He’s three. Marked difference to a 6 year old.

is she crying when she comes to you? Red marks? Or just telling you?

Even when he has hit her previously (where I've seen it) he doesn't usually leave a red mark, he doesn't normally really thump more sort of slapping and it's not that hard, but still not great!

I think my instinct is what you say - not give consequences but remind what they are and maybe try and keep a closer eye for a bit (although tricky in the middle of cooking which is when it always seems to happen!).

You may have inadvertently created a situation whereby your six year old knows she can get attention/can get one up on her brother. "He hit me" leads to him being removed from play and her getting fuss from you.

If he's going through a hitting phase then don't leave them unsupervised. If it's standard small-child rough and tumble, then whoever hits whoever doesn't matter - if one hits, whether or not you saw it, then they both stop playing for a few minutes to calm down.

But also "and then encourage (but not force) him to apologize" This doesn't really teach correct behaviour does it. What happens if he chooses not to apologise? He just carries on and gets away with whatever he's done wrong?

Just telling me really, in that sort of "telling on" voice they have!

You record your own kids? That's creepy as fuck, and a very quick way to some expensive therapy bills for them in the future

Mine are teens now - but you can’t punish what you haven’t seen or if there is no evidence . As they get older you will be able to tell who’s telling the truth and who isn’t 99% of the time by questioning them. . By early teens though it gets much harder to tell who’s lying . I just tend to separate mine if I can’t get to the bottom of something .

In that case I’d say to her - “I know he can be a pain but he’s at the age where he doesn’t have much control over his emotions. As long as he’s not hurting you, I’d just say “don’t do that to me again or I will have to tell mummy”, and if he does again come and tell me.

i would say to him that I know what been going on when I’m not around and just because I’m not around doesn’t mean that he can hit his sister.

Yes I guess the ideal is to supervise all the time, but I do need to cook etc.

He does still get a consequence if he doesn't apologize, as he has to stop playing for a few minutes. But I'm not sure forcing an apology out of him that isn't really sincere achieves anything other than him learning he just has to say sorry if he wants to play again.

I’m guessing he’s recently turned 3 rather than close to 4?

Also as other pp has said re supervision .. or at least only a couple of steps away - in my experience you hear that something is going on and go quietly pop your head around the door frame

Yes just 3

Don’t leave them unsupervised???
at 3 and 6? Oh come on. If her dd was coming in crying in pain then absolutely but that’s not the case here at all

So barely a toddler

And they do actually (despite this!) play really, really well 90% of the time so it seems a shame to be constantly hovering!

I found drawing at the kitchen table very useful if there was angst going on while I was cooking - used to keep a block of cheap printer paper and pens on the table all the time - if I had no clue what had happened but something definitely had I’d make them both come and draw ..

Tell them both to wise up and behave themselves

My two fought like cat and dogs, mostly the older one was at fault but I did catch the younger a couple of times over egging it. Once they got to mid teens they decided they liked each other.

In your situation the 3yr old comes with you every time you leave the room since he's the one going through a violent phase. Once that phase is over you can try leaving them together. You need to protect both.

They do play so well mostly that I don't think never leaving them alone together is necessarily the right answer as I don't want to stop them being able to play nicely and independently. But you are probably right that I need to be more on the ball when things are headed in the wrong direction and supervise more or separate if not possible.

It’s hard OP - it’s a balancing act- they do need to learn to resolve their differences - and they are at quite a different stage developmentally so your daughter may find her brother quite irritating because of that.at times . if it’s any comfort I still find myself creeping up the stairs to catch mine out and they are 13 and 15!

Yell from whatever room you’re in. DS DON’T HIT THATS NOT NICE. Quietly tell dd, I don’t want to hear about this every time, if ds is overtired/overstimulated go play in another room.
At an appropriate time when they are together remind them to play nicely and be fair with turns and toys.