What to do when one child tells you the other has hit them?

[FunkyFangtooth]

My 6 year old DD has a couple of times come to me when her and my 3 year old DS have been playing in a different room, and told me my DS has hit her. Now this is possible, he has been going through a phase of being quite physical and rough recently with her and we are trying to really crack down on this with firm, clear consequences. However, I have observed a few times where they have been playing fine and he has maybe stumbled into her or picked something up and accidentally knocked her with it and she's dramatically shouted that he hit her. So it's also perfectly plausible that he hasn't hit her.

Obviously if he has hit her I want to ensure there are consequences as he really needs to learn we won't tolerate this. But if he hasn't hit her I don't want him to get a consequence when he hasn't actually done anything. I find it hard to get much sense out of him about what has happened, and I don't want to turn it into a "he said, she said" situation anyway.

For information, normally the consequence for hitting where I witness it is I remove him from the playing and he has to sit on the sofa and have a bit of quiet time away from the game. After a few minutes, I remind him how to be kind, and what words he could use instead of hitting, e.g. "Please can I have a turn after you." and then encourage (but not force) him to apologize.

So what do you do if one child tells you another one has hit/kicked/bitten them but you aren't sure of the reality of what has happened.

Why? Your utilising avaliable technology to supervise a situation as a single parent I don't have eyes up my arse I need to leave the room at some point I've never had to actually USE my camera for the kids (just the cats when we are out) but I've told them behave or I will put the camera on I also use alexa to talk to them via my phone app (saves shouting from room to room) and I can monitor and view what they are watching via my phone also (and change it if needed)

Sometimes you have to get creative

sorry @Theunamedcat that really made my skin crawl in a creepy overly intrusive way. maybe because it's the children's home or because i don't think any one person should be privy to what another does 24/7. i can't imagine what the long term effect of thinking; mom is everywhere, mom knows everything would be. very very disturbing

I don’t have the answer OP but I just wanted to say that my kids are exactly the same age and sex and I have exactly the same issue and dilemma!

Why do they have to play together? It’s not always necessary. Cannot DD be with you in the kitchen? Do you have a table where she could colour, have a quieter time and have chat with you. Plus cook simple quick
meals! DD is effectively toddler sitting at the moment. I think it’s 50/50: she gets annoyed by him being a boy and wants your attention. I am never sure a 3 year old understands “be kind” either. It’s quite abstract and adult. So divide and rule whilst cooking.

My 6 year old and 4 year old fight every day - as well as playing very well most of the time. Its hard to tell who caused the incident- and sometimes the one you catch hitting was getting revenge after being hit / pinched/ had hair pulled etc.

i dont stress too much about it as they will grow out of it. I just say ‘no hitting, its not nice - how do you think that makes the other person feel - what will Santa think!? If they wont stop then I separate them or distract them.

As they get older they are easier to manage in some ways (and harder in other). My two teenage children behave if i threaten a screen ban!

To be honest, she does love playing with him - quite often she starts out in the kitchen with me doing something different and then hears him playing a game and wants to join in. She's still really big on pretend play, and given the option would do that above colouring. But I probably need to be quicker at separating them when things are getting intense!

Thanks everyone, you've all helped me to trust my instinct not to get too involved if I'm not there. I'll try and intervene if things start sounding tense before it gets to that point and if she does come me I'll just remind everyone of the rules/consequences and try and supervise more closely for a bit. Or if that isn't possible bring her into the kitchen with me while I cook.

Nope, it's definitely an invasion of privacy. Where do you draw the line? Not good

🙄

I often say 'I didn't see what happened but we need to kind to each other don't we' and suggest if they are struggling to play together, they can come in the kitchen with me. They usually choose to keep playing together.

Mine are slightly older now, but in our case, when DS resorted to violence, he had usually been wound up by DD, who was older and cleverer with it. So I didn't want to punish DS and let DD think it was OK to wind him up.

OP the relationship between siblings is one of the most important ones in their lives.
I agree with reminding them of good behaviour when there is an issue.

Thank you, I think this is absolutely where I had come to with my thinking, and I think I will follow your wording about if you are struggling to play together nicely probably word for word!

Absolutely yes, I agree and that's why I wanted to work out the best response. They are generally very close given the age gap - when DD is at school DS usually spends all afternoon pining for her and then the moment she comes in flings himself at her saying he's missed her! But I definitely want to build on that, not let them drift apart due to feeling like they are trying to get one up on each other all the time.

My then six year old said my younger one had bitten her, showed me the mark, with the little gap where she had a missing tooth.

Admired the dedication to getting little sib in trouble but consequences for lying were imposed.

Older sibs quite like getting younger ones in trouble, my two are tough as nails in anything but interactions between each other they act like premiership footballers! Yep, younger sib has learned from older one's example...

Seems he’s never learned that his sister is bigger and stronger than him because you keep intervening. Might be a good idea to just let him get hit back once in this situation.

At those ages my 6yo had to stay with me so I could see what was going on. I didn't leave them alone or they would be knocking lumps out of each other. Just wasn't a great idea.

OK so the most basic of teacher tips - first question always ask 'what happened?' If she just says 'he hit me' then ask again 'OK so tell me what happened' if you really want to get to the bottom of it you need to be asking lots of questions. What were you doing? Where were you? Etc etc. Often if you ask enough questions you can unravel that e.g. he fell and knocked into her. It does take patience and time though. Otherwise a general 'if you can't play nicely together I'll have to take that toy/switch off the tv/ put you in different rooms/ other thing that she also won't like.

OP - did you have brothers and sisters you fought with as a child? We used to kill each other at times as children- but obviously grew out of it - and it didn’t have any long term consequences- although probably stressed our parents!

@Theunamedcat you watch, record and shout at your kids through alexa while you aren't in the room? Terrifyingly creepy. I don't think that's normal.

Your older one is coming in saying they need help, the younger one is fine, so ask the older one are you ok, do you need a hug/a chat/a break and we can understand what's going on for you. Then maybe something can come out of it. And you can have a hug/chat or whatever with your 3 year old, by the time they are 4 they should be able to talk about feelings.
If you're not judgemental in your way of listening then your kids won't be as likely to make a game of it. And they might work out how to deal with things themselves - often hitting and pushing would be one child trying to play with the unwilling other, and the other basically making it super clear they have a boundary that's being enforced. So actually the older one could have noticed the clues earlier.