Birth and newborn trauma catching up on me

[Beachwaves127]

I will front load this by firstly saying sorry for the long post, and secondly saying I rationally know and I am grateful that I am lucky enough to have a delight of an eight month dd. Honestly she is wonderful and I love spending every day with her.

However I have started to notice very negative feelings creeping in about both the birth and newborn phase. I have been feeling quite down today, and on other days. I can pin point why so I have jotted below. Not sure what I am hoping to get out of this.

The birth:

• 3.5 days of labour (or early labour) followed by emcs.
• Contractions started off as every ten minutes from the outset and fluctuated between every five minutes and every 15 minutes for the whole 3.5 days. I didn’t really get any sleep during this time.
• I was turned away from hospital twice as I wasn’t dilated enough but the pain was awful. By the time I was admitted to hospital on my third attempt I was 9cm dilated and vomitting everywhere.
• Due to being tired after three days of this pain I requested an epidural (I was also declined gas and air because I was vomitting).
• Pushed for an hour - ended up going to theatre for foreceps but ended up in a cat 1 c section as doctors found baby’s chord was acting as a lassoo so she couldn’t come out by pushing.
• Baby was not crying on delivery so taken away immidately. Only for about three or four minutes.

Re the birth I am really struggling with thinking the c section is my fault. Whenever I see other vaginal births on Facebook or Instagram I feel very negative about mine. For example:

• I should have rejected the epidural as maybe that impacted me having the c section as I couldn’t push well enough
• I didn’t remain up right or walking enough during early labour which maybe slowed down labour and resulted in the chord issue. I was trying to conserve energy. In hindsight I was wrong to do this.
• Baby was very high needs (see below) which possibly was my fault as I may have caused the emcs.

Before the birth I was of the view that any birth getting Dc here alive is a miracle. I was worried about a still birth before hand.

My newborn baby - my dd was intense.

• I have two photos of her lying without being held. One in hospital. One in her bassinet in the pram on day five on a walk.
• I am not exaggerating but we could not put her down from day two to 16/17 weeks. Basically she’d either be on my boob or screaming.
• I couldn’t use a sling well because of my c section
• She basically napped on me (fine with this!! ) at home
• When I went out to get air - because I tried to get out once a day for both of us - she would maybe drop off to sleep (if she didn’t I’d come back home straight away) but she always when she woke she would wake screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming blue murder.
• She would wake if I entered a corner shop or shop (so I couldn’t pop into Sainsbury’s to get anything)
• Shed wake if the pram stopped moving instantly so I couldn’t stop to talk to anyone on the street
• Shed wake as soon as I get the pram back inside my house. This one really gets me down as I have such vivid memories of not being able to even take my trainers off before dd as screaming blue murder for four months. It was exhausting!!!! I don’t think anyone I speak to ever realises how tiring this was. I wasn’t asking for a lot. It just might have been nice to take my shoes off before dd screamed even just once. That’s all I wanted. Just once.
• i met a few mums for coffee at the start and they honestly thought me and dd were mad. Their babies were just lying in the bassinet asleep. Every time. I had to stop meeting them. I couldn’t understand at the time how their baby would just lie their in the bassinet while they had a coffee.
• dc was EBF and still is but we had some difficulties at the start where she was putting weight on slowly. She is fine now. Never really got to the bottom of it but I feel like maybe this impacted her being high needs and it is my fault.
• dc seemed quite upset (screaming and diarrhoea) after the rotavirus vaccine and I spoke to the gp and hv on the phone and both dismissed me as normal. On reflection I wish I had pushed harder as I’m sure it was slightly more than normal.
• dc woke every 45 mins until she was 5 months.

I know it’s all so irrelevant now and probably sounds so so silly and small but honestly I feel I have some sort of depression following the not being able to remove my shoes and the screaming. It was so awful and so so exhausting. She was so loud and upset. I’m utterly bamboozled by photos of newborns lying nicely in their bassinets on social media. It’s really getting my down every time I see a new photo. Hence posting this.

I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful as I love my Dc so much. My DH is always telling me how patient and loving I am with Dc and that I do a good job - actually if I am allowed to say it I think I have done a good job on balance but I’m just wondering if the being exhausted / trauma from the birth and newborn phase has caught up on me and I don’t want to feel down for too long.

I hope I don’t often anyone by this post and apologises for the brain dump.

I had 7 days early labour, no sleep, traige 3 times, emcs. It was awful. I had a high needs child with a milk allergy and silent reflux. Would only nap on me. Wouldn't go in the pram so basically never went in the pram until much older! Used a carrier from 4 months. Wouldn't take a dummy. Tooth after tooth came through with her in absolute agony with every one.
I can't lie and say it's not affected me. It has massively. But 2 years later I have the most wonderful, advanced little girl I do forget all the hellish times.
Antidepressants help.
Lowering your standards to making sure you're both clean, eating of clean crockery and wearing clean clothes as your new standard and no more. The mess goes eventually when you're feeling stronger and their sleeping longer.
Feel free to PM me xx

Oh and YOUR ARE DEFINITELY NOT TO BLAME for the emcs.

When I had my coil fitted a year later I realised it was just the way my body was built. They couldn't open me up enough for my coil, they did eventually but not without a fight! I find sex painful at first, because I'm just tiny inside my DH is very understanding thankfully and very patient.

You're not to blame for your body.

I could have wrote what you wrote about your baby about mine, and you're right I think those that haven't been through it don't understand.

i almost feel like I have anxiety/stress from those early months I could not put him down I tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked.

He is also ebf and had issues with feeding. Tongue tie, poor weight gain and jaundice at the beginning it was super stressful.

Totally know what you mean about seeing other babies lying peacefully in their noses baskets/ prams. My baby never slept in the noses basket or laid in his pram both were a waste of money. The judgement, oh the judgement. It was obviously my fault that I couldn't put him down, he wouldn't settle, always wanted to be breastfeeding yea because I didn't want a break.

I could post more but don't want to take it away from you just want to say you're not alone.

Therapy would probably be benefit. How old is your baby now?

I also had a ECS please please stop blaming yourself for needing an ecs

Oh my goodness you have been through such a tough time... sending hugs. Why don't you talk to your GP or HV, you really deserve some extra support. You sound like an amazing mum and none of the things that happened were your fault. 💐

OP I can totally relate to so many aspect of your posts. I found it really hard to find people that understood my baby. She was very high needs. Litterly could not be put down without screaming. Your example about taking your trainers of just takes me back. People that have not had babies that are more needier won't really understand and I find there's no point in trying to explain. My LO is 8 months now but like you I sometimes find myself thinking about those early days and feeling really down about it. Especially waking every hour at night being sooooo soo sleep deprived and crying. Even now my LO is very needy always wants to be picked up and screams murder if I leave her. Everyone keeps telling me just leave her she'll cry and stop but she doesn't. She continues to cry and then when I finally pick her up she's panting and so visibly upset. It feels wrong to do it, when I know she just wants to be held. Anyway now I just pick her up and accept this is a stage and it will change one day. Rant over but I totally get you and I've never met anyone in "real life" that understands what it's like to have a baby that's so clingy. Everyone seems to 'blame' me saying it must be me. But I've learnt just to block out the negativty and accept that all babies are different. Also OP none of it is your fault not the birth or what came after. It's just life everyone is dealt a different hand.

Had a similarly high needs baby and can really empathise with those feelings looking back on be newborn days. I used to feel a huge sense of loss, mourning, about that time (DD is nearly 2 now and I feel differently now) and also felt very cut off from other Mums.

I'm curious about what do you mean about worrying about being partly to blame for her high needs-ness due to emcs? (I had a quick labour and my daughter was still high needs if thats at all helpful to know).

Have you had a birth debrief? If not, you should ask for one. They'll say the same thing we will tell you, but with the benefit of experience behind them. The C-section was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done that would have changed it. That cord loop around your baby's neck would have been from her wriggling around. It would have probably been there before labour, and no amount of walking around would have changed that. Epidural or not, you say she wasn't going to come out by pushing. The C-section was therefore a necessity. No-one and nothing to blame.

Both mine have been clingy, mummy orientated, high needs hellions at various stages of their lives. One was a vaginal birth, the other a C-section. I can relate to every point you've made, as one of them have done it to me at some point. I'm so sorry you've had them all in one child, it sounds incredibly tough and no wonder you've been driven to your knees. Go to your GP. You might need some antidepressants for a little bit. They saved me from myself when my son decided sleep was for the weak, and he was going to have none of it, much meant that neither did I.

Everything is so much better now, and I hope that you will find the same too.

I can totally relate to the newborn stage, you’re not alone. My LO is 2 now but I feel really traumatised by the early days, I think about it every day. My husband says he can’t really remember it now but it didn’t work like that for me. I do think some therapy would be beneficial, I feel like it’s really changed who I am as a person. Big hugs sorry I don’t have advice but I understand how you feel.

I completely get what you saying. I ended up having emcs and my recovery was slow and trying to think back to the first 6-8m gives me anxiety. It was so hard as a first time mum and I cannot remember most of the things. I wish I felt more positive about it and I could say I really enjoyed it but it was so crazy.

You poor thing....I really relate to your post about my first DD. I struggled for about a year then sought some support for my mental health...although continued to struggle for a couple of years with my mood and these thoughts re her birth. I'd really recommend getting some support...ask HV about your local perinatal mental health services. X

Oh man I really relate to this.

Please don't blame yourself for the birth, it's luck of the draw how it goes and it's incredibly difficult to advocate for yourself to healthcare professionals when you've not slept for 3 days! I was determined to be upright when having both my DDs, both times I ended up being put on my back by the midwives and I was in too much pain to argue.

When I think back to my DDs newborn period I think of her screaming. When I see a new mum or dad pacing around outside with a crying baby in the pram it genuinely makes my body tense up. I stopped attending my NCT meet ups because they made me feel utterly crap because DD just screamed the whole bloody time.

It's crap and unfair that some people get blissful newborn cuddles and bassinette naps and little angel babies that nod off at the blink of an eye. It's OK to feel remorseful about not having that, allow yourself to feel those feelings, and if you have the resources to have some therapy that could really benefit you. But if not, writing it all done like you have done can be healing, as can just talking about it to friends or family.

You have had a really tough time. Labour is really shit for a lot of woman and maybe we don’t always know or hear how bad. I’d stop watching videos of other peoples birthing activities though! I’ve had 3 and none went as I’d have liked them too! And I certainly wouldn’t have wanted them recorded!

some people who give birth easily and have easy babies cannot comprehend how difficult it can be.

try and focus on what you have now and where you are? Baby is sleeping and feeding be better? Every baby is so so different and sometimes when it is your first you may compare to much with others. It’s pointless. They are all so different even when brought up the same!

you have gone through a major trauma giving birth and maybe you could seek counselling? People can be so quick to say but you and baby are fine …but those hours of labour and baby being taken from you were anything but fine. It’s an awful experience and you are expected to come out smiling with baby. Don’t feel bad about needing time to heal it does not reflect on how much you love your baby!

i hope you have people around who help and support you, child birth can be horrendous and I don’t think enough is done for woman to help through it and afterwards. Xxx

A lot of what you have written resonates with me. I had a very similar experience. Traumatic birth, emergency c section, baby that would not be put down. She would only nap on me until she was 9 months old, and I had to put her in a baby sling to get anything done. When I went back to work she would scream all the way to nursery in the car seat until she was sick. I would drive the rest of the way to work sobbing and covered in vomit. Everyone else around me seemed to be having a lovely time with their babies.
Have you spoken with your health visitor? Mine was lovely and arranged a birth de-brief at the hospital that did help. I also went for counselling, in my area I could self refer. Best wishes op, I know how hard it is

My first born was just like yours -OMG.

I'm trying to get him down right now, but he's resisting. He has 6am flight to the Faero Islands tomorrow, and he's only 24.

😂

But, seriously.

The emergency section was just that. The right decisions were made. My DS (above) tho 'natural birth' (I hate that term) was a circus, but that's childbirth; we're lead to believe we're 'in control', but we aren't, blood incompatible with me, UV lights, joint re-admission a week later....

But he screamed his fekken head off for a year!

His first year was my worst year. I hated more or less all of it. And I was supported (private medical care in Oz; private birth, obstetrics, paeds, home visiting lactation consultant. The works).

Howled his head off, either on us or off. 3 hour bumpy drives on the bumpy inland hilly roads was all that might keep him asleep. My mums group friends were aghast as their kids slept like angels. Tho many had 'the difficult second'; 😂 I fielded lots of calls then- 'Why won't s/he sleep? Clean, fed, tired? Why??'

I did controlled crying which rescued our sanity. He'll scream with or without us, so let's try 'without' 🤷🏻‍♀️ Turns out 'without' was fine.

Cut yourself some slack.

It feels so desperate at this stage.

Sorry you are going through this OP. You are absolutely not alone and everything you have said really resonates with me.
I had a traumatic birth with my DS, who for the first year or so wouldn't sleep more than 45 minutes(ish). It would take hours to get her to sleep again and she would wake up soon afterwards. The lack of sleep, constant screaming all day & night, breastfeeding (and looking after a 4 year old) really took its toll.
After 8 months I realized I'd become increasingly down and anxiety ridden. I couldn't think about the birth or the early days of DS without physically feeling awful.
I reached out to my GP and self referred for mental health services. The GP was amazing and due to being a new mum I was at the top of the wait list and was seen almost immediately for CBT sessions with a therapist. She diagnosed PTSD and anxiety.
Speaking to her and having the EMDR treatment was transformative and whilst my daughter continued to be a lovely little challenge I felt able to manage better and was able to actually think about the early days without feeling like I was going to break down and cry.
Please do reach out to and tell someone close how you are feeling. Get in touch with your GP and have a look at the NHS self referral website. I wish I had sooner than I did and I wish I'd have had the confidence to tell a friend or family member how I was feeling.
You have been through so much and it is in no way irrelevant. Try to be kind to yourself :)
My DS is now 4. She is such a chilled out child and we are incredibly close. Things do get better. 💐
(Sorry for such a long post. I just remember feeling so alone)

While everything Nyorks has said is 100% true, good, and useful, don't go thinking you're failing even more if you don't get professional psychological help, a diagnosis and counselling.

In the midst of it, it's hellish. But- you will emerge. Sometimes because you decide to reframe it.

S/he screams ALL the time, no one has found a medical cause, I've had enough. I'm going to shower/ get dressed.

Oddly, in some cases, they pipe down.

Now, to be utterly unMumsnetty, and I'm not necessarily proud of this, but, the three 'worst' mummy-group offenders (with perfect, passive babies) for 'Aw, put him on the play-mat with the toys, he'll stop screaming' - with an 🙄 at us)- ended up with troubled young adults.

I'm not proud of the fact I go, occasionally, 🤔. Knowing it wasn't 'me', it was deep in their genetics, with a dash of upbringing?

This year doesn't define their, or YOUR life. It just 'is'.

i met a few mums for coffee at the start and they honestly thought me and dd were mad.
3 hour bumpy drives on the bumpy inland hilly roads was all that might keep him asleep.
😆😆 😆

i can relate so much here 😆😆😆

You are definitely not to blame for how your birth went or the temperament of your baby.
After having to have forceps, resulting in a 3rd degree tear, I went for a birth debrief to get my head around it all. I was informed that 25% of first time mums end up having a c-section. Another 25% like me have to have forceps or ventouse. Birth is hard. Birth is extremely tiring and if you’ve not slept properly for days and then have to try and push out something that big that your body has not experienced before, it’s very very tough. I had no energy left to push unaided after being awake for 30+ hours so can’t even imagine how you must have felt.
second, I completely understand how it feels to have a child that does not have a relaxed temperament. We have been told many times how loud his cry was even from day1. He was NEVER happy as a newborn and I took him to one parent class and cried afterward because he screamed the whole time whilst other parents gave me pitying looks.
I had to go back to work at 6 months and it saved me and my partner’s mental and physical health
He’s 16 months old now and although he is still very demanding/not chill/never keeps still/exhausting. He has got happier with every milestone and everyone comments how lovely and sociable he is. Although I will say even the nursery comment how intense he is 😅.
Being a parent is hard. Being a parent to a highly sensitive child is really really hard and you sound like you’re doing a fantastic job. Be kinder to yourself and do your best to keep pushing and keep going.

Thank you everyone I have read all your messages more than once. It’s really helped to read them all.

I think a few of you mentioned that it is very difficult for someone without a high needs baby to understand and that has really resonated. Thank you. So much so I don’t tend to say anything to anyone. If someone at baby class asks Qs about my Dc for example I normally am vague or make a joke out of it. Do I mention I couldn’t take my shoes off for four months as dd screamed as if she’s been abandoned? Nooooo. Because what’s the point. Even my mum and mil (7 kids between them), although not intentionally, have both said a few off the cuff comments that they don’t understand why Dc does X. So it has been really helpful to hear your experience to know I am not alone, because when I walk alone my mummy central high street during the week I do feel alone and almost “robbed” of a sleepy newborn phase when I see mums through the windows having quiet time with their baby in the bassinet. Gosh I sound jealous and negative. Im not. I wouldn’t swap my 8 month Dc for anything. She’s a rascal (She just shouted at me for daring to make myself a coffee the cheeky monkey). But I think it’s just that trauma of not ever having that literal 30 seconds to say ok babe asleep mummy to go to the loo for two tics. I think to me her cry every time I got home with her was as if she genuinely thought she had been abandoned. So I sprung into immediate action every single time every day without fail. There wasn’t even one time I didn’t rescue her immediately for cuddles and boob (with my shoes on!) but it was so so so tiring. Thanks again everyone.

Thanks again everyone.

Just answering the one direct question @Burpcloth. I read an article that said there could be a link between a traumatic birth and high needs baby. To be honest the article also started by saying they have no idea why some babies are high needs, so it probably wasn’t right, and can’t be right as you had a shorter labour than us.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Labour and childbirth are fucking brutal. I had a five day labour and eventually pushed him out in theatre just before an ecs. I spent the last day screaming at nurses and midwives to give me a knife and I’d cut him out myself to get it over with! I also had a sleep refuser. It’s awful. It’s a genuine torture. I once screamed at a woman in Boots who asked me if I was “enjoying every second?” I burst into tears and started shouting “enjoying what?”. On the flip side I didn’t understand the yummy mummy’s who did “treasure every second”. I thought they must be mentally ill or just a bit thick. Good luck with the recovery OP. It’s physically and mentally exhausting. I honestly think it would’ve been easier to spend the time being shot at on the front line.

Absolutely don't feel bad if you don't seek help of course. That wasn't my intention and I can see my wording wasn't great.
I was just so reluctant to seek help when I needed it, thinking that I should just push through no matter how hard things got. I just meant to share what helped me.

Sorry if I came across any other way. You aren't failing, full stop and I agree with the part that says this doesn't define either of you.

I hope things become easier for you soon OP.

Oh no please don’t feel bad for your post. I am fully aware I’m sure a number of posters are probably replying in a rush as they’re either tired or juggling replies around babies so I am not too fussed about tones. It’s just very helpful that you even took the time to reply to me. Seeking further help is something I am going to have a think about. Especially if these feelings continue. Thank you. @Nyorks

@Onekidnoclue i shouldn’t laugh but your last sentence made me smile.

thank you.