Birth and newborn trauma catching up on me

[Beachwaves127]

I will front load this by firstly saying sorry for the long post, and secondly saying I rationally know and I am grateful that I am lucky enough to have a delight of an eight month dd. Honestly she is wonderful and I love spending every day with her.

However I have started to notice very negative feelings creeping in about both the birth and newborn phase. I have been feeling quite down today, and on other days. I can pin point why so I have jotted below. Not sure what I am hoping to get out of this.

The birth:

• 3.5 days of labour (or early labour) followed by emcs.
• Contractions started off as every ten minutes from the outset and fluctuated between every five minutes and every 15 minutes for the whole 3.5 days. I didn’t really get any sleep during this time.
• I was turned away from hospital twice as I wasn’t dilated enough but the pain was awful. By the time I was admitted to hospital on my third attempt I was 9cm dilated and vomitting everywhere.
• Due to being tired after three days of this pain I requested an epidural (I was also declined gas and air because I was vomitting).
• Pushed for an hour - ended up going to theatre for foreceps but ended up in a cat 1 c section as doctors found baby’s chord was acting as a lassoo so she couldn’t come out by pushing.
• Baby was not crying on delivery so taken away immidately. Only for about three or four minutes.

Re the birth I am really struggling with thinking the c section is my fault. Whenever I see other vaginal births on Facebook or Instagram I feel very negative about mine. For example:

• I should have rejected the epidural as maybe that impacted me having the c section as I couldn’t push well enough
• I didn’t remain up right or walking enough during early labour which maybe slowed down labour and resulted in the chord issue. I was trying to conserve energy. In hindsight I was wrong to do this.
• Baby was very high needs (see below) which possibly was my fault as I may have caused the emcs.

Before the birth I was of the view that any birth getting Dc here alive is a miracle. I was worried about a still birth before hand.

My newborn baby - my dd was intense.

• I have two photos of her lying without being held. One in hospital. One in her bassinet in the pram on day five on a walk.
• I am not exaggerating but we could not put her down from day two to 16/17 weeks. Basically she’d either be on my boob or screaming.
• I couldn’t use a sling well because of my c section
• She basically napped on me (fine with this!! ) at home
• When I went out to get air - because I tried to get out once a day for both of us - she would maybe drop off to sleep (if she didn’t I’d come back home straight away) but she always when she woke she would wake screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming blue murder.
• She would wake if I entered a corner shop or shop (so I couldn’t pop into Sainsbury’s to get anything)
• Shed wake if the pram stopped moving instantly so I couldn’t stop to talk to anyone on the street
• Shed wake as soon as I get the pram back inside my house. This one really gets me down as I have such vivid memories of not being able to even take my trainers off before dd as screaming blue murder for four months. It was exhausting!!!! I don’t think anyone I speak to ever realises how tiring this was. I wasn’t asking for a lot. It just might have been nice to take my shoes off before dd screamed even just once. That’s all I wanted. Just once.
• i met a few mums for coffee at the start and they honestly thought me and dd were mad. Their babies were just lying in the bassinet asleep. Every time. I had to stop meeting them. I couldn’t understand at the time how their baby would just lie their in the bassinet while they had a coffee.
• dc was EBF and still is but we had some difficulties at the start where she was putting weight on slowly. She is fine now. Never really got to the bottom of it but I feel like maybe this impacted her being high needs and it is my fault.
• dc seemed quite upset (screaming and diarrhoea) after the rotavirus vaccine and I spoke to the gp and hv on the phone and both dismissed me as normal. On reflection I wish I had pushed harder as I’m sure it was slightly more than normal.
• dc woke every 45 mins until she was 5 months.

I know it’s all so irrelevant now and probably sounds so so silly and small but honestly I feel I have some sort of depression following the not being able to remove my shoes and the screaming. It was so awful and so so exhausting. She was so loud and upset. I’m utterly bamboozled by photos of newborns lying nicely in their bassinets on social media. It’s really getting my down every time I see a new photo. Hence posting this.

I really hope I don’t sound ungrateful as I love my Dc so much. My DH is always telling me how patient and loving I am with Dc and that I do a good job - actually if I am allowed to say it I think I have done a good job on balance but I’m just wondering if the being exhausted / trauma from the birth and newborn phase has caught up on me and I don’t want to feel down for too long.

I hope I don’t often anyone by this post and apologises for the brain dump.

Maybe we should start a high needs baby club 🤣 you've just brought a memory back when you said about nipping for a wee. My hubby used to be stood in the bathroom with screaming baby while I quickly had a wee before bed, couldn't even brush my teeth some nights it was so bad! Most the time I took baby with me whilst I had a wee as it simply wasn't worth putting him down or handing him to hubby.

My baby is almost 11 months now and things have really improved I can leave him with his Dad now for long stretches up until 10 months he'd scream with dad any longer than an hour now he can be with him the whole day and mainly happy and settled so honestly it does get better.

Im totally with you on the feeling of being robbed of that sleepy newborn stage I never had that either and I do feel a bit sad about it. You never know we might have really chilled 2 year olds whilst those with sleepy newborns might be ran ragged with their 2 year olds. Who knows how it works, probably best not to compare but I know it's hard when you feel like you're the only one. My hubby often says "apparently some babies sleep" like it's some mythical thing "imagine that" he says, I think you've got to have a laugh about it if you can.

That sounds tough about getting ready for bed / your first ten months in general! Yes I do sometimes think even if w have crazy toddlers it will still probably feel like it’s “easier” than the newborn phase for us whereas for some mums it’ll definitly feel much harder than the newborn phase.

One sensible thing my DH said (yes sometimes he does say sensible things) was that all the babies i see in coffee shops must be a certain temperament and the mums of the high needs babies probably simply aren’t in the coffee shops hence never seeing them - they’re probably trawling the streets trying to get baby to stay asleep looking a mess like I was.

Not making a competition but just sharing “funny” stories for some light heartedness. I didn’t even manage to brush my hair properly when Dc was a newborn so I grew a “dreadlock” at the back of my hair that I then had to cut out (no time to brush it out…) so I now have some lovely short tufts growing in my hair 🤣🤣🤣

Oh bless you, I can empathise so much with what you've written. My first baby was similar in terms of not being able to be put down for the first few months. We never used the bassinet of the pram at all as he wouldn't lie in it, had to be held to sleep and I had to prop myself up with pillows and hold him asleep on my chest every night for 8 weeks! Buggered my back. Also had a traumatic birth with him, it was extremely fast and resulted in a 3rd degree tear and vacuum. I didn't hold him for 3 hours due to being in theatre having my tear repaired.

It wasn't until we had another baby a few years later that I realised how high needs he was. DC2 was an elective c section so very calm and controlled birth. He was so settled from day 1, ate, slept easily in the car seat, pram or cot, adapted well to sleeping out and about and woke up happily babbling every time! With DC1 well meaning family and friends would just say to put him in the pram and take him for a walk and I just wanted to scream at them " I CANT! He screams til he's sick!!" I lived in a constant state of anxiety for much of his first year. Felt like it was my fault. It's not you fault at all, some babies are just significantly harder work.

Your DH makes a good point.

Oh bless you, the dreadlock 🤣

it's good to exchange with others that have been through similar!

You had a rough labour and a tricky time of it in the early days, I feel you. I had a very similar experience with my first. In hindsight I was quite traumatised by the birth experience and this then framed the context for the first few months of her life. That’s not easy to explain but let me try! What I mean is - you had a difficult birth that left you with feelings of being a failure/things not going to plan/trauma etc. Then you had the tricky newborn days which everyone does have to some extent - even the ones who seem to have babies who sleep in coffee shops do have nights where they’re up all night pacing with a screaming baby. But I (and I think you) seemed to link those two experiences together. Your EMCS is nothing to do with your daughters behaviour at 3-4 months old. It seems like you stayed in trauma/fight or flight mode for her entire infancy and so you were reacting to her cries etc as if it was an emergency when it wasn’t. How long does it take to remove your shoes? 10 seconds, 20 seconds max? If your baby starts crying while you’re doing it then it doesn’t hurt them to cry for 15 seconds while you take your shoes off. Logically you must know this. But it sounds like you responded to every cry as if it was an emergency which then furthered your struggles as you wouldn’t even let yourself make a coffee or take off your shoes. With my second I was much more relaxed and I knew she would be fine wailing for a few seconds while I nipped to the loo or whatever. Sometimes she would actually settle down a bit and sometimes not but it doesn’t damage a baby to cry for very short periods while mum does an essential task.

this isn’t meant to be a criticism at all, it’s understandable why you felt like this and I was similar. My DD struggled with breastfeeding and it felt like an extension of the “failure” I had experienced during the birth. But the reasons for me EMCS were nothing to do with her feeding struggles. I was just traumatised by it all so it was just one big mess.

I’m glad you’re in a better place now but you would probably benefit from some therapy to unpick your feelings a bit more. You haven’t failed. Sending hugs x

You've done incredibly well to get through all this.

I also had a very high needs first baby. I've never really figured out what was him, what was traumatic birth, what was me being super stressed after birth and appalling NICU.

But he's now a brilliant almost-adult. He got easier at about 9 months, then much easier from 12.5 months, then again from 19 months, then by 2 he was a charming little person. I couldn't hang out with him at cafes when he was a baby - or do anything much at all - but from 2 onwards he was a lovely cafe or outing companion.

He still resists going to bed, but now in late teens he's funny and clever and wise and healthy. Still intense, but he's been a well-balanced child and young person with considerable integrity.

So I think you should abandon any thoughts of having messed anything up and roll with it. Babies can be high needs for very positive reasons. And being so bloody needy means they get huge early emotional and learning input.

I didn’t have a high needs baby to same extent you did but I can fully empathise with the feeling of trauma around the birth. I had it after my first and many other women acknowledged that they had similar feelings after a birth.

That story about wanting to take off the shoes is a powerful image and I am glad you have found others that have gone through similar.
Two of my three babies were ‘easy’ and that is 100% down to luck not my parenting skills.

My first labour sounds very similar to yours except mine didn't end in emcs. 3 days in early labour, turned away from hospital twice, was 7cm when they finally let me in, had an epidural, pushing for just over an hour and he finally came out. I didn't do anything differently, it's just down to luck.

DS1 was then fairly high needs too. You couldn't even sit and hold him, you had to stand and hold him. I also felt like nobody understood.

The whole experience traumatised me so much I didn't have another one for 5 years. DS2 came along and was the most chilled baby ever. If he had been my first baby, I probably would have wondered what all the fuss was about too!

Hi OP,

Everything you described about your baby and how they were high needs and couldn't be put down I can 100% relate too. I, like you, had to stop going to mum groups because it was quite clear that my baby didn't act 'normal.' It was embarrassing and felt so unfair. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say your not alone and I don't think it's surprising that we have some sort of 'trauma' after going through that for months on end. Until you've experienced it, it's hard to imagine how awful it is. I'm 3 years down the road now and I still look back at the first year or so with lots of sadness and regret. I'm not sure I could ever risk going through that again so have come to terms with probably not having any more children. Have you ever reached out to a therapist or the like to talk over it? I wonder if that could help you to come to reframe your thinking and move forward. Sending you big hugs.

Oh OP I don’t post often but your experience really moved me and struck a chord. Firstly you went through a really difficult labour and birth, you definitely could do with some counselling to come to terms with it. Please know that NONE of it was your fault.
I didn’t experience such difficult births but completely hear you on the intense, ‘difficult’ small baby stage. I look back on my first baby now and feel compassion for how hard I was on myself and how inadequate I felt next to all the mums with the calm, sleepy babies. Your description of just wishing you could take your shoes off before she started screaming resonated so much, the basics of self care seemed impossible. I still think it’s outrageous really that you can suddenly be thrown into this existence with no help and support a lot of the time! I’ve had other children since then and while none of them have been quite as difficult as the first one, neither have they been placid and content either. Each time I’ve found the first year really tough. However they’ve all turned into different little personalities, some really chilled some less so.
Oh and I felt like nobody else understood why my dc was the way they were and I felt an implied judgement of my parenting (which maybe was my hypersensitivity). I think set yourself a time frame for how long these low feelings persist and if they’re not easing off, professional help (if you can get the time away from baby) will be really useful.

Yup.

So relatable.

I pretty much hated my eldest's first year.

I recall sitting up in bed in the dark with (thank god, supportive DH), performing the 1.5hr BF ( x2, sometimes 3 per night, followed by us tag teaming earplugs and walking this hysterical baby around the house, on repeat) saying ...

'Where's the joy in this?'

Controlled crying rescued us, but it only works if you're so at the end of your tether that you're determined.

But he settled between 12-20ish months.
He was no dream but he more or less never tantrummed, happily accepted his new brother and apart from being VERY '15' when he was, has grown into a delightful adult.

But I did find my mums-group friends with their 'easy' babies struggled more later on. I guess I was battle-hardened 😂

I recall one day when DS1 was about 2.5, DS2 6 months, sitting on the WC with DS2 in my arms, DS1 between my knees and the fucking dog resting his head on my thigh, - saying 'We don't all have to occupy the same bloody cubic meter!'

😂

the mums of the high needs babies probably simply aren’t in the coffee shops hence never seeing them - they’re probably trawling the streets trying to get baby to stay asleep looking a mess like I was

This was me except I couldn't even leave the house as baby would cry in the pram so I was trapped bouncing on the birthing ball getting her to sleep multiple times a day 🥴🤯😵 Xx