How to explain to 2yo that grandma is dying?

[Hazelnuttella]

My grandma will likely die in the next few days or weeks. Up until a few weeks ago she was active and mentally sharp. DS has seen a lot of her and she has been a big part of his life.

How do I go about telling him? Prepare him in advance? Take him to say goodbye? I don’t know how to explain dying.

I need some practical advice on what to actually say that he will understand. If I say things like “she’s gone”, he’ll think she’s gone on holiday or somewhere else.

We don’t know the timescales (obviously) but it will be days or weeks rather than months. He knows she is ill and has seen her in hospital.

Could you do a picture story, something you can refer back to and show him.

This website is really helpful

www.winstonswish.org/telling-a-child-someone-has-died/

Tells you what to say etc

We’ve had similar recently, and we’ve gone for ‘Aunty X has died, which means that we won’t see her again. But we still love her and will always remember her’.

Seems to have been accepted by DD3. We’ve also emphasised that it happens when people are very old or poorly so she’s not worried about us, but that doesn’t seem to have occurred to her.

Everyone gets a turn being alive and then they die and we don’t see them anymore.
some people have really short turns and some people get really long turns. Grandmas turn is nearly over. She got a really long turn and I’m so glad we were here when she was.

Winston's Wish are really helpful OP, they suggest the use of the word "dead", can you find a dead butterfly or fly and show your DS to help him understand what the word means? That was the advice they gave me when I was dealing with a similar situation.

MIL is dying. She has told our children that soon they will say goodbye as she is going to be with the angels and they won't be able to see her anymore.

Obviously the angels bit depends on your beliefs etc. But the key message is that they won't be able to see each other any more and that's a bit sad but not too bad.

I would say, DC of that age probably aren't really going to get it, and you are likely to have to say whatever you go with more than once before it really sinks in. It's a difficult concept for them.

I agree with looking at winstona wish for advice.

Maybe purchase some children’s books about death/loss.

I think you are right abojt not saying things like “she’s gone”. I think one thing is to always use direct accurate language with children- not sleeping/passes/left..but “she has died”.

2 is still very little. However I know my son at 2, almost 3, was very very good at taking and understanding. Where as my daughter would not have managed any kind of conversation. I’m sure you know your child and how to best to approach it.

When my mum died, my grandson was 3 1/2 and granddaughter 18 months old. They had seen her a couple of weeks before she died, but her death was unexpected. We didnt have any chance to prepare them. We told them she had died because she had been very poorly and the doctor couldnt make her better, and that was because she was very old (85). They took it very much in their stride, will talk about her if they see photos of her around, along with photos of their other great grandma and great grandpa, neither of whom they ever met. Young children tend not to see death in the same way as adults, id just carry on as normal and when she does finally pass, just tell them.

When you are very very old, the time comes when your life is finished and you go to sleep forever.

Grandma is going to go to sleep forever soon, so she wants to say goodnight and she wants us to remember how much she loves us

That is my suggestion

Sorry to hear about your grandma I'd suggest using the words 'died' and 'dead', I know it feels overly blunt because as adults we're used to using euphemisms but a 2yo doesn't understand that and will be at best confused if you start talking about 'passed away' or 'no longer with us' or even worse 'gone to sleep'. It's fine to discuss heaven, angels etc if you have religious belief (or even if you don't but find it comforting) but make sure you emphasise he won't see her any more, toddlers are very literal and need things explained in a way that relates to them.

Although, to prepare you, 2 is very young and their memory and understanding of time is shaky at best, no matter how well you explain things he may ask where she is repeatedly for a while. You may also find he's totally unbothered or only upset very briefly or appears to forget her quickly, children's blase reactions to death can be very upsetting for adults but try and remember he doesn't really understand and it doesn't take away from their relationship/love for one another.

It's fine for him to see you upset/crying, people often want to put a brave face on 'for the children' but it's actually natural and helps them understand/process what has happened to see adults grieving and grief shouldn't be treated as something shameful or hidden (so long as someone is functional enough to look after them too of course, if everyone is so prostrated they're unable to prioritise the children that's different). If he asks why you are crying you can explain you are sad because grandma has died and you won't see her any more.

When I knew a bereavement was coming I talked to my DC about how when people/animals get very old their bodies wear out, when young people like them and mummies and daddies get sick they get better quickly but when old people get sick their bodies are too tired to get better and so they die. In answer to questions about whether I will die one day/they'll die one day I say yes but not for a long long time, until they are very old themselves, as old as Mummy! Crucial IMO to distinguish between them/parents and old people so they don't worry about you/them dieing too, yes I know sadly young people do die too but hopefully most DC won't ever have to deal with that. You could try some of this with your DS but he is very little so I don't know how much will really go in...

Don’t say she has gone to sleep. Children take this literally and worry that anyone who has gone to sleep will also die.

Would agree with PP that language is important with younger children. Using "gone", "passed away", "sleep" is confusing. As adults we tend to avoid using words dead and died as they sound harsh to our ears but to young children, they haven't learnt those social taboos and words are just words to them. It's best to say exactly what you mean to help them understand.

Please do not ever, ever describe death as sleep. It can make sleep extremely scary for children.

Don't tell him anything. He's too young to understand and unless you lay it on really heavily, won't really care, it's outside his sphere of knowledge. Once she's gone, explain she's died as per pps' suggestions, without using any euphemisms or saying the doctor couldn't make her better.

Say she's very old, eventually your body gets worn out, your heart stops and you die. That means your body is left behind but the person isn't in it anymore. So you bury or burn the body. People are sad because they miss the person but have happy memories.

I doubt she'll remember that much tbh - you could make a book with photos and words to tell the story.

2yo don't have a great grasp of time. Any attempt to warn him might mean endless questions of "is she dead yet" which could be quite upsetting for the rest of you!

I'm sorry about your news.

With children it's important not to use phrases such as sleep, fine, passed away, moved on, or link it too much to a goodbye, etc.
It can sound more blunt to say dead or died but it's really important to use such terms for children.
The last thing you want is for your child to be worried about going to sleep or if you need to say you're going away for the day for example.

Your child may well forget and ask about them, even after being told, which is normal. Forever doesn't really mean much for young children as their idea of what time is still forming.

Kids do best with very simple factual statements.

When my mum died my youngest brother was 5, I said something along the lines of 'mummy got very poorly, so poorly the doctors couldn't fix her and she died. That means that she has gone and we won't be able to see her again but we still love her and know that she loved us.' He was sad to not see her again but understood.

Be prepared for it to seem as though your child isn't bothered. Winstons wish website explains it really well, but kids tend to deal with grief in little bits, so they might be sad for a few minutes, then they pick right up and go off laughing, then a week later a sudden surge of sadness, then normal again. They describe it as 'puddle jumping' as opposed to the deep river of grief that adults and older kids find themselves in.

All I know is that I lost my Nan at 6 and I don't remember it particularly registering.even though we spent a lot of time with her and my GF. However when my GF and cousin died when I was 9 it did, very much so.

I agree with others above about covering it honestly but briefly however I don't think it will register as much as you think. The majority of the effect will depend on how you are. It's a horrible time for you. So sorry you are facing this. Xx

But the key message is that they won't be able to see each other any more and that's a bit sad but not too bad
I don't think feelings of sadness should be minimised.

Lots of good advice above. I would say kids that age are quite matter of fact about and ok with death. When my dad died, my daughter was 4 and when I told her something had gone wrong in his body and the doctors couldn’t help so he died, she was fine with that, said ok and started asking for all the medical details!

This is really lovely, I have a dying relative and I think i'll use this to explain to my DC

There is a suitable book called Frog and the Birdsong. All very matter of fact.

Take some pictures of them together. Maybe a recording of a story being read?

I'm sorry to hear about your grandma, OP. This is a horrible thing to deal with.

My Dad died a few months ago, and it was an expected death as he had terminal cancer. I told my DD3 that Grandad had some cells in his body that had made him poorly, and the doctors had tried very hard but were not able to make him better. This would mean that soon he would die, which means we wouldn't be able to see him anymore but we can think about him and talk about him whenever we want after he's gone, and that we'll always love him.

This initial conversation was very hard to have and made me sad but it was important. It made it easier to tell her once he had passed away, as it wasn't a shock to her. I don't think she fully understood, but I needed to tell her some information as he was using oxygen machines at home by then and they were very large/noisy. I called Child Bereavement UK to get some advice before I had this conversation with her.

I wish you all well 🌸