Third child? I love having little ones… Will I love having older children?)

[Wandbagon]

I have a 2 year old and a 7 week old. I’m very lucky to have been surprised by how much I enjoy parenting so far. My husband also loves it.

We feel that we’d like another child, however, we are aware that we are still relatively new to parenting and have no idea whether we’ll love the stages that lie ahead. We will need to decide whether or not to try for another baby within the next year or two, so would be committing to three children whilst the eldest is 5 or younger.

I am wondering whether anyone else loved having little children, but found it more difficult as they became older children and teenagers? Does anyone regret having another child on this basis?

NB. I’m aware of all the other considerations that need to be weighed up before having another baby. Financially, a third would be doable. We are concerned about the environmental impact and about the impact on time spent with our existing children, so may not go ahead for these reasons.

Older children aside you'll be outnumbered. There'll be three of them.and two of you. Something to consider.

I have no idea how Hellion some kids must be that posters feel the need to point this out. In fact, such is life, there many times when it's one of you and three of them. But fortunately, I never felt like I was running one-to-one defense.

i thought about three but stuck at two in the end. They are now Year 7&8. The phrase “little children, little problems, big children, big problems”
is true I think and mine are both relatively low effort- NT as far as I can tell, do ok at school, have friends, have hobbies, behaviour is ok etc .I’m still not sure I’ve got bandwidth for another child. I have friends with children with ASD/ADHD diagnoses or bullying issues and in cases it is all encompassing and gets more so with age.

Also you need to consider that you’re expected by society to parent far more intensively for far longer that at any other time in history- for insight join WIWIKAU- you’d think the parents themselves were going to Uni. You could have three young adults living with you. You could have 5 straight years when one or another has either GCSEs or a levels or both.

it’s not that I don’t prefer this stage- I actually do- it’s more that the amount of headspace they take up is greater and the parenting stakes are higher- the consequences of your decisions are greater and their capacity for misery is greater, and you’re only ever as happy as your unhappiest child.

Whilst I love my 3ds and do not regret having ds3 I am finding the teenage years much more challenging than the baby/toddler stage.

Teenagers can be expensive- learning to drive, university, sports, clubs, tech

One of mine has mental health challenges and that is incredibly stressful

The social/emotional challenges are much greater generally- friendships, hormones, bullying, peer influence (alcohol, etc)

I find I am pulled in all directions with lifts to clubs and friends houses etc

On top of that you are likely to be menopausal when they are teenagers, working full time and possibly have aging parents

Absolutely. You are up for it now but I am approaching 50 and in the depths of peri menopause I am coping with providing the significant care support and guidance that my (relatively easy NT) teens need but my god I’m really not sure I could be arsed to do it a third time.

Plus 3 lots of university costs! Gulp.

Well it’s a consideration re as they get older/ hobbies/ parties etc because you can’t physically be in two places at the same time. It does v much depend on age gaps/ locations/ how involves other family are but it is a consideration. Dh worked overseas for a year and I lost count of the amount of times I looked at my diary and thought “oh shit I’m going to have to ask x to take Ds to rugby……again”.

OP, from the ages of your two, you don't know if either have SEN yet. I thought my DD was NT, health visitors didn't spot anything. She has autism and adhd and it's made life look a little different. DS was a suprise and we had 2 under 2. I felt like superwoman juggling my double buggy, took both kids abroad and around the UK on my own, walked two miles to nursery and back, worked etc. They were easy babies and easy toddlers.
Life got harder when DD started school. She never settled. Cried at every drop off in a way she didn't really at nursery. With two this meant DS was often left to roam the school whilst watching consoled DD. She screamed and screamed.
This became full on school refusal by the time she got to juniors and life is now much harder. Not only her SN but my relationship broke down, I now have to work FT to support us, might have to move, trying to retrain alongside work to get a better job, it's A LOT.
The fact is that you don't know what the future may bring. Things could continue to get more and more expensive and raising three might be crippling in terms of cost. Even if that's not likely to be an issue, there's always going to be just one of you. You cannot be in two places at once. I cannot put both children to bed in separate rooms on my own. It involves one reeking havoc whilst the other one resists sleep. My life is exhausting. I can't imagine I would cope if I had another.

One of my colleagues is. His youngest needs 3 pairs of hands alone at the age of 5. Behaviour issues not diagnosed yet. You dont know what you'll get.

But that aside with 3 little ones you don't grow an extra pair of hands.

I have three. The hardest time for me was when they were primary school age. It was the running around after school for clubs. Play dates etc. When they hit teens it became much easier.

I really thought I would miss them as they grew up but I have really enjoyed watching them and their friends grow.

Ah, @Justdontforgethelegofrog - a similar story to me. But I had my third as my first was being diagnosed. It is so much physical and emotional work - now 2 are diagnosed and one is waiting. My second school refuser is going to school this term though. And the 3rd is still happy at school so I'm in a sweet spot.

But I loved having little babies and I love children and I'm still hugely in love with everything about mine. I have sacrificed a lot of my old life. OP sounds like she might be up for that. But lots of people wouldn't. It's something every parent should be prepared to take on, and as you say, it might not become really apparent until a few years of primary.

It all depends on the luck of the draw, if you have easy compliment children or not, Your circumstances can change vastly due to health, finance, relationship etc.
If your children have SEN it's a whole different game.
My husband died young so I raised mine completely alone, you don't know what life is going to throw at you. Mine are 18 and 22 now, l am expecting them to be at home a good few more years yet due to cost of living, that is very common nowadays. So l could well be 60 until youngest has left home.

Yeah, I understand that children with specific sn demand more than one person can give. That's very different to when you say...

But that aside with 3 little ones you don't grow an extra pair of hands

And I am saying, for most mothers with three, an additional set of hands is entirely unnecessary. How do you think people manage with 4/5/6?

@illiterato I would find some occasions when I'd have to say no to some of my teenagers requests for lists if dh wasn't around to help... especially because my youngest is a chunk younger and it would mean getting them out of bed. I'd be okay with that, maybe I'm just mean?

How do you think people manage with 4/5/6?

Perhaps many don't manage. 🤷🏼‍♀️

They manage of course but will likely do and have less (parental time / attention / resources). Their parents will view this as worth it as they have lots of siblings instead of those things. So it’s a subjective choice.

Mine are 11, 6 and 7 months (we had fertility treatment and a few losses hence the gaps). I've honestly loved and hated various aspects of each stage.

My 11 year old is probably the easiest in terms of practicality now, she walks to high-school herself, can make a sandwich and hold her baby brother for 5mins if I'm cooking tea, but then she's just finding herself so testing boundaries a bit, discovering make up which is both fun and scary and also......bra shopping 😬. They're in a limbo of no longer feeling like a child but not being a grown up so we're both figuring that out.

My 6 year old daughter is my wild child, she is full of energy, fearless but also a bit of a sensitive soul who needs a mummy cuddle everyday. I love her diving into the world both feet first attitude to life, but she's in a stage of wanting what big sis has and finding her place as the middle and no longer the baby which I think she's struggled with.

My 7 month old is easy peasy, happy little boy who we all just adore. He gave me full nights sleep and has now taken it all away so we're navigating being tired and school runs and baby sensory and tummy time etc.

In all honesty I think if they're your children, you'll love aspects of it all regardless. There's happiness to be found in all the stages and the rough patches too it's just how it is. Plus their own little character adds to it all as well. For me, my biggest struggle is finding a day out to entertain them all, I always wanted 2-3 year gaps for this reason but obviously I couldn't help having PCOS and needing treatment. Such is life. Everyone thought I was nuts wanting a 3rd given our gaps and honestly it's completed our family. I feel so full, I would have regretted not having another and am so thankful we did. X

I have an almost 16 year old and 12 year old.

We really wrangled with having a third but clearly decided to stop at one (and got a dog instead!) but I am glad we did.

I found the high school years challenging in a way I didn’t for younger kids - bullying, MH difficulties - all of which I felt so underprepared to deal with.

Plus, the cost. Lord alive! After years of not having childcare costs and then the price of everything shooting up, I think a third would have pushed us too far financially now (not at the time).

A close relative had twins for DC2&3 and practically speaking, a third has just added an additional layer of complexity when it comes to things like cars, holidays, days out, clubs etc. most things are geared towards families of 4 and that alone put me off having a third.

Putting aside the idea of number 3, you’ve got a 7 week old baby, your hormones are going crazy. I seem to remember at a similar stage thinking I should have another. Enjoy your new tiny one, think about this question in a couple of years when you have a four year old and a toddler.

I do agree with this though. This is good advice.

I think two is enough. The more you have the more thinly you are spreading yourself and your attention

As a PP said, mental health of youngsters is very fragile and don't underestimate how hard teenagers are to parent

Why do you need to make a decision so soon? There's 3.5 yrs ish between my first and second, we are probably going to go for a third too which would have a similar ish age gap depending on how long it takes. Don't see what the rush is unless you're touching 40 or something.