50/50 custody

[MumToTedd]

I’m 13 weeks pregnant and split with the father. He’s told me he wants 50/50 custody from birth and if I don’t agree he’ll take me to court, will he be given it? We had planned to breastfeed but will a court make me formula feed so he can have the baby half the time?

He works 4 nights one week and 3 nights the next and has said he wants the baby every single night off he has as he thinks that’s ‘fair’ but if it doesn’t align with my time off then I’ll be losing out on more than him?

anyone have any experience or advice please?

No, not a chance in hell he'll get that from birth. Custody is about the babies best interests, not the parents

You both have equal parental responsible so he is legally entitled to equal time with the child.
Going through Courts takes time and Judges don't look favourably on a parent who withholds contact from another parent.
You would be best sitting down with a mediator to work out some sort of contact schedule now which you can trial when baby is born. If you do want to breastfeed that should be taken into consideration and you should be flexible with contact to allow this to happen.

You have 6 months to go so try not to worry a lot of things can change. Having an involved father is very beneficial for both you and your child throughout their lifetime so I would do my best to work amicably. I work with this type of system and usually it is either 50/50 or mother's get a higher level of contact particularly when children are very young.

50/50 is in my opinion, very important for children. However, it's not really practical for a newborn. If I were in your position, I would probably tell him that you agree that it's important the child has access to both parents, it isn't practical for a newborn but you'd be willing to work up to a 50/50 schedule.

The impracticalities are: breastfed newborn needs it's mother, you could pump so he has a supply for his access, but there are physical limitations. I wouldn't be looking at overnights until maybe 6 months when the baby can start weaning.

When kids are very young, overnights don't tend to be in lumps of 4 nights at a time.

Honestly, be civil with him, tell him you cannot agree to 50/50 just yet. Let him take you to court. I've never heard of a judge taking a newborn away from their mother for 3 or 4 days a week.

I’d never withhold him seeing the child and he’s welcome to come and spend time with it whenever he wants within reason, I just didn’t want the baby taken away at a week old for 4 nights? I understand it’s about the child’s best interests and surely being taken away from the mother that young goes against that? I have another child aswell who will be in school full time by then so I have to look at how it’ll work around school runs etc too. The baby’s father doesn’t drive and he lives a ferry ride and a 15 minute drive away too so would I be expected to do pick up and drops offs as I think that’s unfair as the ferry costs and so does fuel obviously? There’s so many questions in my head and I have diagnosed severe anxiety anyway so not knowing things really sets that off :/

Why or why get pregnant with someone who you then separate from..

Nope. No chance in hell. You have the right to breastfeed. If you do he'll likely get no overnights until baby is at least 1.

He'll be expected to see baby with you, little and often. As baby gets older and there are longer gaps in feeding he'll be able to take baby out for a few hours.

If he's threatening don't put him on birth certificate. If he is he'll have equal rights so if he takes baby and refuses to bring back police etc will do nothing. He will get on it eventually but it will give you time and the court order saying baby lives with you and sees him X amount protects you.

He'll likely be given 50/50 as baby gets older as long as feasible. If he can't facilitate school drops offs etc. then clearly it isn't.

Really? Why does anyone seperate if that's the case... obviously at the point of conception a separation wasn't planned. Or maybe the baby wasn't planned. The OP is clearly trying to get advise on the best interests of her future child, not discuss why her recent relationship is no longer.

You both have equal parental responsible so he is legally entitled to equal time with the child.

No. Really he isn't. The CHILD is legally entitled to a positive relationship with both parents that fulfils their age-dependent needs. A school age child may well benefit from 50/50. A newborn will be harmed - significantly - with a 50/50 arrangement.

Offer him (via email/text so you have it in writing) an hour or two at your house with you there (vital for baby's wellbeing to know you are close by), three or four times a week. He can cuddle, change, bathe, burp baby. All that develops his bond a confidence. Once baby is less reliant on you, contact can progress to him having baby on his own, for longer periods of time. Building up to 50/50 in a few years - but all at a pace that the child is comfortable with.

50:50 with a newborn isn’t appropriate. They need to be with their primary caregiver and their attachment to their primary caregiver is vitality important for them. It affects their ability to form relationships with others.
50:50 can be worked up to if it’s suitable for the child but not from birth. Do not be bullied here. Ex hasn’t a clue about babies best interests of this is what they are demanding.

Honestly, the chances of him getting any overnights in the 1st 6-12 months is almost non existent. You can just tell him that you can both make arrangements closer to when the baby arrives and eventually build up to shared parenting when the child is old enough. If he tries to fight, just tell him you have already addressed this. If he threatens court just respond 'not a problem'. In terms of exchanges, with my stepson we do 'receiving parent collects' so his mom picks up from near us, and we pickup from near her. Other people often meet halfway. But that's not something you need to think about right now. For quite awhile he will likely just be visiting in your home.

50:50 is not practical for a newborn or if you are exclusively breastfeeding but the idea that an infant spending time with their father (and away from their mother) as being harmful has long since been debunked. He does not have to only ever see the infant at your house under your watchful eye. It is a good thing for a father to bond with their child right from infancy and that bonding gets stronger when the mother isn't present. In many places in the world fathers take parental leave (when mother's return to work) and spend considerable time along with the infant. It doesn't damage the infant.

There are guidelines about custody by age and when overnights and 50:50 are seen as appropriate. They are more earlier than people on here are telling you and there are many fathers with custody of their kids. Do not take what you are told on here as fact. Courts do not share the common view on here that children only need their mothers and that a father's role is just money. If he goes to court he will get visitation and custody (as per guidelines).

Do you know where I can look at the guidelines? Just so I can use them as reference when the time does come. I don’t intend on him only seeing the baby at mine forever but for the first couple months surely that’s a good compromise? I’d even let him stay the nights he wasn’t at work so he could do night changes if he so pleases the first couple months. Once baby isn’t needing to be fed every 3-6 hours then sure he can take them out for a few hours etc but I definitely think I agree with a lot of what people have said about building up to that rather than just splitting from the start, just hopefully he’ll be accepting

Thank you, good to read someone has some sense. It's not the Courts view that mother's are the only primary care givers and that the mother makes the decisions about contact. If you aren't together it does not seem fair that he has to have contact in your home with you present. Father's have rights too. It is in the best interests of a child to have an attachment to BOTH their parents.

Unfortunately most people are not involved in the family court system so may be giving you false information. Could you contact a solicitor for more legal advice?

If you aren't together it does not seem fair that he has to have contact in your home with you present. Father's have rights too

For the first few months it makes absolute sense she is there too. Google fourth trimester. Removing a baby from its primary care giver in those very first few weeks is detrimental to the child's welfare. It's only for a short period. Surely anyone who wants the best for their child would want to act in the child's best interests?

Father (and mothers) don't have rights. Children have right. Fathers (and mothers) have responsibilities.

Parents do have rights. They have a right to access / parenting time. They have a right to decision making (education, medical etc), they have a right to direct the upbringing of their child.

Both parents have a right to family life under Article 8 of the Human Rights act which underpins court proceedings. Parents do in fact have rights and equal rights regardless of gender. Mothers are not automatically the primary caregiver by law anymore and fathers need to bond with their children from birth also. Children benefit from forming multiple bonds with care givers

I’ve just googled this article and it says you have a right to privacy in your home life, nothing about rights as a parent? Are you sure that’s the right article as I’d like to read it

When I was pregnant my childs father was horrible to me called me all kind of names and told me to have an abortion then said the baby isn't his I blocked him because the rudeness was too much.
My son was born and CSA made him take a DNA test and proved that he is his. I let him see his son but he says it's not enough he wants 50/50 custody I said no he said he will be asking for that later he said can he sleep over or spend a few days at his I said we need to work up to that my son is 3 months he only knows me and I don't know you.
he won't tell me if he knows how to look after a child so I have no clue and will not just give him my child this soon

The latest is that he wants to go on the birth certificate and give him his last name I said no he said he's going to take me to court

How likely is it that a judge will grant him any of his demands? Am I being unreasonable? He has been having supervised visits and as soon as he shows he can look after his Child I've told him he can have him alone but he's been in my son's life since Tuesday and I think he's rushing things.

If he was to take me to court for custody how likely are they to grant him 50/50 and if not 50% what would they give him

Why take the time to offer nothing but judgement?

He currently has no PR whatsoever

Cant say any more than PPs as far as courts but when it comes to contact in those really early days I would offer to take baby to his sometimes, not always expecting him to be in your home. I think it would be good for him to have time with baby where he is not a visitor if that makes sense. Costs should be shared of course (or taking it in turns to travel to each other).

I also separated from my sons dad during pregnancy. He has never suggested anything close to 50/50 so there's been no court battle or anything but in those very early days I tried to be as hands off when he was around as I could (so unless feeding basically). I found that really hard but it did mean when it was time for overnights I felt better about it. (Still cried the first time, but I do actually like my child free weekends now!)

I don’t think it’s fair for me to have to take the baby and my son to his when he lives with his family who I’ve met once. im not going to be dragging my first child to a house full of people that he doesn’t know and with nothing there for him to do etc. I live alone and it’ll be easier for him to bring himself here than me getting myself and two kids across a ferry and stuff on my own. I’d do it if it’s just me and the baby but the only time I don’t have my son is when he’ll be at school but if I drop him at 9, the earliest I could get to baby’s dads is 10 then would have to leave at 2 to make sure I’m back in time to pick son up, so it’d only be 4 hours anyway, which I’d be fine with doing but then it’s not a lot of time for him to actually see the baby. After a month or so I’ve spoken to him about having the baby whilst I’m at college but it’s 8 hours 2 days a week and he works nights so he sleeps during the day so it probably won’t work anyway, there’s just so many what ifs etc that I don’t think we’ll know until it happens

Do not put his name on the birth certificate. And do not give your baby his last name.
You're unlikely to be able to block contact, but as PPs have said - at the start it'll be him coming to you - no way anyone would make you leave newborn overnight. Depending on how he behaves in the first year will have a huge influence on any court decisions later on.
Unless he is a danger to your baby it's good for kids to know both parents, and the courts know that, and you should support that, which it sounds like you will.
Best of luck, it's hard parenting with an ex even if they're not awful.

You'll find a lot of men who are very vocal about their 'rights' aren't necessarily quite as happy to spend the money enforcing those rights. No. You are not his taxi service and are not expected to ferry your (joint) child around as he demands. No, you will not be expected to hand over a 1 week old baby for a week. Usual guidance is short (several hours) periods with dad, so that you can feed the baby when breastfeeding. You do not need to take the baby to him, he needs to come to you. If he's being an arse this early on, then I would definitely advise seeing a mediator. If you can't agree let him take it to court. They are not going to hand him what he wants, as it's not usually seen in the best interest of the baby

There seems to be a lot of Men's Rights' Activists posting on here 🙄.

OP, you are free to breastfeed. The father will not be able to take to the baby from you whilst you're doing so. I would also be concerned about his ability as a parent given his demands to have 50/50 from birth. This would be so harmful for the baby.

He can come visit for contact at your house. He can get himself there and back. It's not your responsibility to ferry him about and ensure his contact, just be open and fair.

And go through CMS to keep finances impartial.