Does your autistic child have friends?

[MaxwellCat]

If you have an autistic child or children do they have friends? I've been told it's quite common for autistic children to not want friends and to not force it but just wondered if anyone else was in the same boat as not really met anyone with children that don't have any friends, I've found it quite difficult especially as they've got older and it's very noticeable in the holidays.

Yes both my ASC boys have friends, eldest DS is 19 (diagnosed as a teenager) and has a small group but loyal friends, he doesn't go out socialising so mainly at college or online. Younger DS who's a teenager has loads of friends, he foes out locally, he has different friends for different things, he's also adhd which I think masks his autism. He's very open and honest about his autism. He was diagnosed at 4 with autism and 5.5 with adhd. Autism is such a wide spectrum and although both my boys have friends their both also happy in their own company

My 10 year old autistic Ds has a few friends at his special needs school. He's actually very sociable but I find he can only get along with other neurodiverse children or much younger children which makes friendships very hard for him. His school is 45 minutes drive away and most of the children who attend his school live a similar distance so he doesn't get to socialise much during the holidays. The transition of leaving the house is hard for him too which is another barrier.

If you DC is happy in their own company I wouldn't worry at all. Are there any neurodiversity groups you could go to where you live?

My DD has some few friends who will play with her at school. She is very sociable and loves loves loves other children to play with, but she's quite 'young' in her play tastes so doesn't always have peers who want the same thing, so she doesn't have many offers of company outside of school. I feel bad for her but she does have a minimal amount to scrape by with.
Her struggles tend to be with things to do with fairness and injustice but also not reading people or realising how she comes across to others which can make for a 'walking on egg shells dynamic' which not everyone outside family has the appetite for.
The saving grace is that she gets on with her big bro, so she has a solid relationship with him and he's very good at reading people and making space for errors to be recovered without it all going down the pan. She in turn brings him humour and communication (ironically).

My ds aged 9 does not have friends. There is a super little girl at his mainstream school who takes him under her wing and kindly shepherds him around and apparently he is starting to interact voluntarily with her a little, but he doesn't have the language to maintain a friendship independently. He doesn't appear to miss having friends at all. He used to play more with other children than he does now, the gap is wider now.

I find it really heartbreaking tbh. But I really try ink I find it more of a problem than he does.

No, not really. He has also only been invited to one party in his whole school life. His brother has been to about 30!

I try not to worry too much. I think one good friend would probably be enough for him and that might take a while! But it does make me sad for him sometimes.

My son is autistic and is lovely and sociable with adults. He struggles to make friendships with kids his own age though. We chatted about this at school and they said that in years 7 & 8 children are generally trying to be 'normal' and fit in, whereas after that they tend to embrace diversity and difference, so fingers crossed. He's really kind and caring and I think he'd really appreciate at least one or two good friends with similar interests to hang out with. He's not overly worried right now though, so perhaps it's just that I want it for him / don't want him to 'miss out'.

Yes. His friends tend to also be ASD/ ADHD as well. They seem to be friends more through shared interests (gaming) rather than emotional bonding/enjoying each others company or whatever. They fall out with each other often but it's soon forgotten.
During his assessment he was asked what a friend was and struggled to answer. "Someone you're around a lot? Or you play the same games as them"

Other ASD children I've worked with don't tend to have many friends but aren't bothered by it.

No, he's now nearly 30 and has only ever had 1 " friend" who was another child who found it difficult to make friends so they sort of just found each other- I wouldn't call it a friendship though. I went through a phase when his birthday parties were actually all for friends of his brother as he had no one to invite ( or no one he wanted to invite) . Eventually we just gave up with any sort of forced social life for him as he didn't want it. Still doesn't. He spent a year at university in shared accommodation and didn't know the names of any of his flat mates by the time he left!

Just to clarify when I say 'not bothered by it' I mean they don't seek out friends; seeming to be happy in their own company. They are not ostracized for it; others in the class include these children and accept them. They are not actively rejected from friendship attempts, we would step in if that was the case.

15 year old dd only made real friends when she started at a specialist provision school last year. She struggles with those friendships as she does become quite obsessive and full on. She's working on this with help from her therapist

Yes. He has a friend with adhd and they have an understanding.

He also does parallel play with some girls with autism.

He isnt is a group.

Not any close ones, no. It’s become more noticeable as she’s got older and whole class parties stopped being the norm. She has never been invited to sleepover anywhere, and I can’t remember her being invited to play at anyone’s house for a long time. This is despite her inviting children here and to her parties. She was invited to 1 party this school year.
It was her y6 leavers yesterday and it broke my heart when all the other children grouped up and she just looked lost. The only children she really relates to are much younger or have ALN themselves. They showed photos on the screen of friendship groups doing fun things and the only ones she was in were taken at school or at whole class parties
She wants friends, and throughout primary we always got told that she plays with everyone but she doesn’t have anyone she’s close to. Over the summer I doubt she’ll socialise with anyone without me (ie. children of my friends) apart from her birthday party which 2 children have responded positively to out of 5.
I just hope she gets on better in a larger pool of children when she starts comp next term, because she’s truly lovely she can just be a bit full on sometimes and struggles with social cues.

Yes, ds goes to SN school.15 miles away but still has parties, play dates and sleepovers. It's a non maintained school and I do wonder if that plays into it. Every parent there has had to fight to get in so I do think they are generally more proactive. The school community is very strong.

Mine does now he's an adult. He desperately wanted friends throughout childhood but just never made any. He tried too hard, lacked the social intuition of NT kids and was dismissed as odd. Now he hangs out with people who share his many interests and has about three really strong friendship groups as well as some mates from school who he got close to in 6th form.

Yes. DS has always been quite sociable, and is the eldest of 4DC.

His social life really took off when he started at a special needs school aged 8, and he met his tribe. They are all firm friends and it has been great as the local kids in our village didn't quite understand him so he wasn't included much. The downside of this is that his friends all live quite far away, but as they are all ages about 13-15 now, they can get the train and bus independently. I really like all of his friends, and am pleased that he has such a kind and supportive group around him.

He doesn't seem to want to meet up with his friends as often as his siblings see theirs outside of school, he is quite happy in with his own company or spending time with his family as well.

Yes, this is my 14 year old DS. He really couldn't care less about friends, although he's on good terms with everyone at school. Every parents evening ever I've been told by teachers he's well liked and not in the least ostracized, but he's just not bothered about friendships. He likes to be in his own at lunch time and is very happy in his own company. Never wants to see anyone outside school, although he does have one lad who he games with online. He was actually invited to a fair few parties in his early years of school, but he found them very stressful.

I've learned not to worry or force my NT expectations on him - he's genuinely quite happy as he is.

Mines 8. He had no interest in other children until y2 where he made a good friend with a lovely little girl. It brought out a lovely caring side to him that he had only ever displayed with immediate family. School decided to break them up at end of year so this year (y3) he has struggled massively socially. Trying to be friends with kids but developmentally he is a few years behind socially. However the last month or so he's made another friend who is on his class next year. So I'm hopeful but yes he wants friends but also on his terms

No. Neither of them.

@FlyingFlamingo my daughter the same age and has just had her leavers year 6, same story here regarding parties etc.

Year 3-5 she literally had no one and really struggled with attending school due to this, yr 5-6 much better but I do worry so much about secondary school.

She has a few friends but do t really socialise out of school and now they are going to different secondaries I feel it will really hit her hard.

Yes, my young teen with ASD has friends. However, they don’t socialize in person very much. Actual get togethers are rare. It’s mostly messaging and some chatting at school. While I am not privy to actual diagnoses, it is obvious to me that there is a great amount of neurodiversity in her group. They are a wonderful group of kids and on the rare occasions they do get together in my presence, I can see how well she connects with them.

It’s definitely not the kind of socializing where they are out drinking or going to parties. They are the kind of kids who play board games and explore fandoms.

Her friend group is so much bigger and stronger than what I had at her age. I think it’s because there is such better support and acceptance for our children then there was for us.

My DS is 23 now and he has never had friends throughout his life. He just has no interest in them. It doesn't bother him at all.

I'm a diagnosed autistic adult and I don't have friends. I had them at points in my childhood and adulthood, but I've never managed to maintain friendships consistently, and now I can't be bothered with them. I think I only really wanted friends to appear normal, not because I actually valued the friendship tbh, and now I don't care much about that.

DD has had the same best friend since she was 3 (they are teens now). Her friend is more outgoing and tends to make friends and bring them back to their group, these other friends have changed throughout the years. Having started Secondary their friendship group seems to have settled now, they go out at the weekends and holidays too now but they all have something going on anxiety, medical conditions, Adhd, tourettes but they are absolutely a lovely group, very accepting and supportive of one another.

When DD was younger she was happy to go all summer holiday without seeing another child (only child) and would happily go back to lockdown and communicate via Skype etc.

Yes both my autistic children have friends- my teen went to the cinema and shops with them today. So do I! My autistic DH has fewer friends and is more content in his own company but he does have them.

@theysaiditgetseasier I also worry about people taking advantage of her kind nature and desire for a close friendship. Transition was hard for her, she sat on her own for lunch because she doesn’t like big groups, I worry about her so much more than her big sister who mostly has the same group of friends she made in nursery.

No. God, I used to worry about it and it would literally keep me awake at night. Then as she got older (she's 13 now) I realised that it bothered me more than it did her and that she's actually really happy doing things with her family. She really enjoys school and is coming on in leaps and bounds. She isn't on her own in school at lunchtimes because SEN children have a quiet classroom they can go to, which she does. At the moment she's really happy and if she's happy then I am. I don't know if she still won't be bothered by it in the future, but I also decided a while ago to worry about that when the time comes. It is very difficult and I know it's not quite the same but I always make sure I take her on lovely days out and do the things she loves with her.