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Parenting

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Original poster

Stop at one child?

29 replies

Faintoplant · 22/07/2023 06:20

Recently had dd at 36. Before I had her I liked the idea of one child only due to finances, easier to fit in and each parent can still have 'me' time while other one looks after baby etc and my opinión on this hasn't really changed since she was born.

However there's a part of me that wonders about a sibling. I'd love a little boy but I would have to try for number 2 within next two years as wouldn't want to do another pregnancy after 39/40. Obvs no guarantee for certain gender and the thought of two very small children is a lot. In an ideal world I'd have had a 4-5 year gap with 2 but I started a bit too late.

I know fertility can be an issue too although conceived dd very quickly and also had good results in fertility mot a year ago. My pregnancy was generally OK although it does take its toll on your body - I'm not sure I'd want to put my body through it all again just as I'm properly recovered.

I don't have to decide right now but I keep mulling it over as I feel I have short window of time to decide if this is it or if I'll do it all again in a couple of years. It's such a big decision - will I regret choice in 10 years etc

Anyone decide to stop at one and happy with decision? Or went for second knee?

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Original poster

Faintoplant · 22/07/2023 06:28

To be clearer, I think this is really about trying for a boy. Will I regret never having a little boy as well as a little girl. I adore my dd but also I always loved the idea of a little boy

OP posts:

PurplePetalPip · 22/07/2023 06:32

I'm in a similar position. I'm nearly 37 and DS is nearly 2. We are mostly happy with just the one but there's a part of me that wants to give him a brother or sister. I thought we were done and started selling all the baby stuff but just recently I'm finding myself thinking about another. I'm so scared I'll regret not going for it when it's too late.

No advice really. Obviously you can't guarantee whether you have a boy or a girl so would you be ok with another girl? Just also be aware that if you had a second they won't necessarily get on. There is also always the risk of the child having additional needs, especially as you get older.

DarkForces · 22/07/2023 06:38

You need to decide if you want to bring up another person. There's no guarantee you'll have the little boy of your dreams. If you're yearning for a second child then go for it, but taking a gamble only wanting a boy is a terrible idea.

You clearly have an idea of the child you want in your head and that's dangerous for a child. Even if you have a boy they will probably be very different to the one in your imagination.

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KateyCuckoo · 22/07/2023 06:58

What does your husband want?

Original poster

Faintoplant · 22/07/2023 07:16

Husband used to say before kids that only children are selfish etc and he wanted 2 but he's changed tune after the realities of a baby hit and has often jokingly said one is more than enough now.

However once baby phase over he might also be open to second but he places high value on being able to do hobbies and have time for himself which he can still do at mo, as can I. With two small children not sure that would happen.

OP posts:

Original poster

Faintoplant · 22/07/2023 07:17

You clearly have an idea of the child you want in your head and that's dangerous for a child. Even if you have a boy they will probably be very different to the one in your imagination.

Yes this is true. I've often imagined a little boy over the years - it's hard to let go of

OP posts:

PeggyPoggle · 22/07/2023 08:28

I understand this OP, however I'm a bit younger (34) and have a nearly 4 year old DD.
My DH and I are pretty much one and done. We're both quite ambitious and have lots of wider interests and career plans so for us having another would stall that. I do feel selfish about it sometimes and a bit guilty I'm probably not going to give her a sibling, but I feel it's the right decision for us.
Interestingly we've got a couple of friends with one child who feel similar and happy to stick with one.

dartu · 22/07/2023 08:31

When we had DD1 I expected we'd stop at one and it didn't occur to me consider having another until she was about 18m. I've always been fine with the idea of stopping at one and I don't think it's selfish - if anything having more than one felt worse as it splits attention and resources.

But it was as DD1 got older that I felt we should try for another. I kept seeing happy family groups of 4 on days out and imagining DD1 with a sibling. We started ttc for DC2, too late really. I'd aimed to have DC2 before I turned 41, but it took time to ttc and we had a TFMR so I ended up having her at 42. Our age gap is nearly 4 years, which I regret as too big, and I worry about trying to meet both their needs/find activities which suit both.

I do find having 2 young DC very consuming, and neither DH nor I have time for hobbies or nights out. I think we could squeeze one in if we insisted on it, but in a way it's easier to put those on the back burner until DC2 is in childcare, than having one of us deal with both dc so the other can go out. DD1 loves to play with DH or me rather than on her own, so she demands a lot of attention although she's now 5. I do feel guilty sometimes when we can't engage with her as much. Life would definitely be simpler if we'd stuck with one. DD1 has slept well and was out of nappies by 2.5 so we would have got back to normal and I'd probably have resumed my hobby or returned to study by now (actually I'm studying with the OU but am behind on everything and just scraping through).

We have 2 DDs. I didn't have a gender preference for DC2, but it works well. I think they will be closer as they get older than a brother would have been, and it's easier to hand things down and share toys.

Ragwort · 22/07/2023 08:37

We have one DC (by choice) and I have never, ever regretted it. He is 22 now and has never said that he wished he has siblings, in fact he often comments how noisy and chaotic some friends' houses were with sibling squabbles etc. I don't think he's spoilt (but I guess no parent would admit their DC was spoilt!) he's always understood that he has to have a part time job ... paper round at 13, saves up for 'big' purchases etc.

He does obviously get more 'time' than if he had siblings and we have been able to support him through a time consuming (but not expensive) hobby.

Also if your DH likes to have time for his own interests and hobbies bear in mind that this is not so easy with more than one DC and you might literally be left 'holding the baby'. Both my DH and I have been able to continue with our own interests and hobbies with neither of us feeling we have had to compromise our own time.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/07/2023 08:41

Tbh I think 4-5 yr age gap would have defeated the point- the best part about 2 children is they play together. I still have me time, I just leave DH with the two of them and vice versa.
I actually found 2 easier than 1 in a sense that I’m not the default play date- I don’t have to eat dinner at 5pm.
Yes there’s more washing and admin and mess- hence close in age is way better as they are roughly on the same schedule. I wouldn’t do it to try for a boy- I have friends who each have 3 girls on that ideology.

preggomeggo · 22/07/2023 08:46

I'm currently pregnant with my second, if all goes to plan there will be a 5 year age gap when the new baby arrives. We had various life events that meant it was difficult to think seriously about having a second and I don't think I could have handled a small gap anyway. I have a big ish age gap with my siblings and it hasn't impacted our bond so I was never that bothered about age gaps. We realised eventually that although we were happy as a three that we wanted to at least try for a second as there was always a sense that we wanted that extra member of the family to compete it. I know quite a few adults who were only children and all are happy perfectly normal adults.

katem98 · 22/07/2023 08:53

I have 2 DC aged 4 and 2. We had (should I admit this?) DD2 fairly quickly to get it over and done with and mostly for my DS1. In all honestly, my DS1 would've probably thrived better being an only child. He's absolutely horrid most of the time to his sister but I think this goes back to us being away from him a lot in hospital with her for health reasons as a baby. Honestly, I think he would've been quite spoiled as an only child, it's not as easy to be spoil them financially when there are 2 children. I obviously do not regret my DD2 in the slightest but in hindsight, the guilt I felt of not planning for another was probably wasted as he would've been fine!

Mrkipplingslice · 22/07/2023 13:03

I think you should really consider if you’d want a second girl as that is a very real possibility. Don’t have another just for want of a boy. Also, the age gap thing is a non issue. You could have a 2 year age gap and your dcs fight like cats and dogs and never play together or a 4 year and they get on like a house on fire. Don’t overthink that aspect too much.

Mumtothreegirlies · 22/07/2023 13:10

we have 3 girls and our youngest has a genetic disorder and disabilities.
there’s no guarantee you get a boy let alone a healthy boy and the odds are stacked against you the older you get. It may work out perfectly and you get your healthy baby boy but unless you know you’ll be happy to have a girl and are prepared for a child with health issues (as with any women having a baby regardless of their age) then I wouldn’t recommend having any more.

girl4 · 22/07/2023 13:17

I don't think you should have another if your main motivation is having a boy. I have 4 girls, so you should consider whether you'd be happy with another girl.

I would also not get too hung up on age gaps - I sympathise because I did, especially when I had trouble getting pregnant and then a miscarriage. However there's 7 years between eldest and youngest and the relationship is lovely.

KylieKangaroo · 22/07/2023 13:25

I have a 5 year gap and they play together a lot more than I thought they would (also argue of course)

If you are going into it hoping for a boy though then I'd rethink things incase it's a girl

madeleine85 · 22/07/2023 16:32

Oh I remember this stage 😂. Post pardum hormones plus being an older first time mum gave me the inclination to want to try for a second baby right away. My husband got us a family therapist and thankfully postponed #2 for a few years when we were definite we wanted a second child. To each their own. I didn’t care about the babies sex. I think the first 6 months of a new born is brutal and I just wanted to be done with it with a second child and not prolong my suffering. Either way I’m glad we waited another 2 years as our older one could really talk, help, and understand having a sibling. To each their own though

Livelifelover · 22/07/2023 18:30

I'm stopping at one. I don't enjoy parenting so I'm not willing to do it twice 🙅

Nichelette · 22/07/2023 18:34

This was me. Had DS exactly a month before I turned 35 and didn't want him to be an only really. Both DH and I are one of 4 and couldn't imagine no siblings. DS2 is 9 weeks now, born 11 days after I turned 37. Honestly it's quite brutal and I personally think I'd be coping better if DS1 had started school, but I didn't want to leave a big gap because if my age either. I feel like they're both getting short changed because I can't offer them 100%, and I have no family help as they either work or aren't that close. I think if you do it would be a lot easier. I'm sure it will get better in time, but at the moment I'm am anxious mess. I have been told the payback is that they will amuse each other by playing together soon, but I suppose it depends if they actually get on or not!

RudsyFarmer · 22/07/2023 18:38

I struggled to conceive again having had a child at a similar age (having caught immediately like you). So my advice is make a decision quickly.

katem98 · 22/07/2023 18:38

@Nichelette Mine do not get on very well but I can assure you regardless of this, it does 100% get easier. They develop their own personalities and hobbies. You just one day wake up and realise it doesn't feel like you can't give them each 100% as you do in different ways. Colouring with DC2 whilst them going to bake or play cars with DC1. It all slots in to place one day without even realising and the early weeks with two just seem a blur.

DarkForces · 23/07/2023 09:11

Op. I think you're incredibly brave and honest admitting you want a the child you've imagined. Do you think you could let the imagined child go and welcome any new child, whatever their sex/personality or is it going to disappoint you if they are different to the version you have in your mind?

I think the answer to this would make up my mind...if your partner is on board, of course.

I looked into adoption and had to take a long hard look at myself and what I could cope with so have been through something similar. I decided that my flaws meant I wouldn't be able to give them what they needed so didn't go ahead.

Having a child is like putting a bomb in your life whichever way you do it, you never know what they'll be like, how they'll grow and how you'll react inwardly, even if you hide it well. I stuck at one!

Noicant · 23/07/2023 09:24

I wouldn’t if it’s just about having a boy, the image you have of a child and the child you get can be very different.

BatheInTheLight · 23/07/2023 09:35

We have two boys, 7 and 3. We both knew we always wanted a 2nd. They play nicely together but have independent play too. They love tomfoolery and making each other laugh. It's actually beautiful when you catch them giving each other a loving hug or kiss every so often.

They would have been 2 years apart but my wife had a miscarriage and it knocked us for six. Grateful we've now got our 2nd little boy as we wouldn't have met him, but someone else, if the second pregnancy had gone to plan.

It's added a lovely new dynamic to our home, their relationship together. We still get alone time as the 'parent' looks after both of them. Two is also great as each of you can have one on one time with a child each, if you do wish.

TheInterceptor · 23/07/2023 09:40

Do you think you'd be feeling like this if your first child was a boy? Or would it be a more definite 'one and done'?

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