Mum life hard

[Hakeea]

I am finding being a mum so hard. I love my children with all my heart, but I am done. I spent all morning trying to make day nice baking and was going to do an afternoon tea, I took an hour out of the day for me but my eldest which I have most problems with talks to me like shit on most days. I have set her down many times about this but she just does not get it or even care I don't know. Any way I said to both my children go toilet now, as we are going out and there is no toilets at the allotment both decided not to go, I said again as soon as we go out you best not need to go, half an hour later daughter needs to go. I know its a natural thing and cant stop it but when you tell them to go toilet and they don't and then they need it is a piss take. They seem to do this to me soon as I am there as they don't like it there but its for me and I brought things to keep them occupied tried to involve them. Yes I could take a potty and I would but I was carrying other things plus only saying an hour to hour and half. I left her a little while as it could just be a ploy to go back home, she then started having a go at me saying you are not to go back here and I don't like it here and I wish you never had it, saying other things also but could not remember but tone of voice and her shouting at me. I knew she did need the loo, so started packing up to go home but I am pissed off every time, I do something for my self its a problem and its always at allotment they need bathroom, yet at home go for hours with out going. The attitude on her is really getting me down. yesterday lost it as well due them not listening and not helping me asking a 100 times. Today broke down crying as I don't know what to do anymore even the days I put more effort in, I just get shouted at and talked to like piece of shit. No nasty comments please as I could do without it.

How old are your DC?

I said again as soon as we go out you best not need to go

This isn’t helpful. It’s not something they can control and it’s quite a nasty thing to say to a child about their toileting habits.

How old are your children?

If you know it’s always at the allotment they need to go then just keep a potty there, or at the very least take one with you. This is absolutely a preventable situation that doesn’t need to be a battle.

You say they don’t listen to you. Are you getting down on their level and being clear about what you want?

Eg. If you want them to put their shoes on, don’t ask them from another room while you’re busy doing something else and expect them to do it. You need to go over to them, get down on their level and say “it’s time to put our shoes on now”. Do this no more than twice, if it gets to that point then you do it for them.

Because they are perfectly aware that they don’t actually have to do what you want because you’ll just ask them and ask them and ask them. You don’t mean it.

And you might think “well I don’t have time for that”, but you clearly do have time to ask them over and over and over again, to have repeated arguments about it and then have the afternoon ruined over it.

And the more you give them your attention and be clear about what it is you expect from them, the quicker they’ll just do it without argument. You’re saving yourself time in the long run and making future you happier.

Difficult to say OP without knowing the ages? My eldest is 6 and the attitude and way she speaks is terrible sometimes but maybe yours are younger since you mentioned potty?

Your children seem to be under the misapprehension that they are in charge. I think you need to stop trying so hard to be nice and be more assertive. If your children misbehave or disrespect you, give them a negative but proportional consequence. It will feel hard but it will pay off if you are consistent. You can do this.

The answers vary hugely depending on their ages.

As I said I didn't want nasty comments. yes obviously a bad mum. I am learning on the job with being a mum. I did say I would have took potty but carrying other things. but thanks for the lecture I really need this on top of everything else. I am already upset but this helps so much.

My eldest one is six the one I have problems with the most unfortunately.

It’s not a lecture I’m giving you good advice on how you can approach these situations in future.

Nobody has said you’re a bad mum, and saying that you are and hiding behind it as a way not to improve your situation won’t help.

You sound to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself with baking, an allotment and afternoon tea plans. This is more than I would arrange in a day now with teens let alone very young kids.

No I always follow through with proportional consequence ie send to room, no tablet, no tv its doesn't stop this I am afraid

These won’t work because they’re not natural consequences. They don’t mean anything and your children aren’t learning anything from them.

I do get eye level and give instructions but I do lapse on this too, at times. I find if I do or I don't it doesn't happen anyway but try again. You say if you ask them twice just you end up doing it anyway, will they learn? surely they realise well mum do it anyway? This is not a criticise I do want to learn and get better as I feel I am done.

You're not a bad mother.
Are you on your own with them ?
If their dad is around can you go to the allotment alone for some time to yourself ?

Life changing advice on here - bribe them till they get into the habit of 'finding the secret wee' before you go out. The secret wee is the deep deep down one they hardly know about.

yes it was a lot and I was only going to do an hour to an hour and half at the allotment but I had a bad day yesterday, so I wanted to give them more attention to hopefully have a nice day.

Yes, what they learn from this is that mum means what she says. She’s a person with expectations and boundaries and she is going to enforce them.

Children feel safer with clear boundaries and so are less likely to act out.

You're most definitely not a bad mum and I would have found that really frustrating too OP. No advice as I only have a baby but just wanted to say you're doing a great job and please don't think you're doing a bad job you're most definitely not xx

Whilst you may not have meant it as one, I can see why the OP perceived your message as a lecture. I know you were trying to be helpful but calling her comments nasty came across as judgemental. The OP is doing her best and recognising that wouldn't go amiss. However I'm sure the advice itself is helpful and well intended.

No I have a husband but I find he gets annoyed with me doing it in the evenings as then he has to put kids to bed and then he says comments days later. I cant win, plus idea kids get fresh air and should play as got mud kitchen and there own patch and i made like a tent for them out of beans climbing them.

ok what are natural consequences?

thank you for your support and lucky we having civilised conversation with flowers in the sky

Natural consequences are a direct result of one’s actions, so it gives children the knowledge and motivation to do better next time.

Eg. Refuses to wear a coat. Okay, child gets cold, has to put up with it and next time will remember they didn’t like the feeling of being cold.

Child throws blocks. Okay, blocks have to go away for the safety of everyone and they can’t play anymore.

Child leaves a toy outside in the rain after being asked to bring it in. Okay, toy gets ruined and we learn to look after our things.

It’s a direct consequence of their actions.

ok thank you and I understand

It is hard. You need to get some me time and sleep I think. I hope your DH can be supportive with this.

Just remember though they are not trying to give you a hard time (although it can feel like it!) they are having a hard time, they are learning to regulate their feelings and about the world.

I would focus on clear expectations - eg today I want you both to try your very best to do something the first time you're asked. Let's have a practise. Who's ready to... 'get their shoes on!' Shower them with praise each time they do todays target (following instruction first time) and maybe they get a star or a tally or successes etc (ignore or don't make much fuss about the failures) then they can call grandma to let her know they got ten stars

Always focus on what you DO want

Check out Big Little Feelings on Instagram and Laura Amie’s Nanny/Nanny Amies on Facebook/Instagram/tiktok.

They will help.