Mum life hard

[Hakeea]

I am finding being a mum so hard. I love my children with all my heart, but I am done. I spent all morning trying to make day nice baking and was going to do an afternoon tea, I took an hour out of the day for me but my eldest which I have most problems with talks to me like shit on most days. I have set her down many times about this but she just does not get it or even care I don't know. Any way I said to both my children go toilet now, as we are going out and there is no toilets at the allotment both decided not to go, I said again as soon as we go out you best not need to go, half an hour later daughter needs to go. I know its a natural thing and cant stop it but when you tell them to go toilet and they don't and then they need it is a piss take. They seem to do this to me soon as I am there as they don't like it there but its for me and I brought things to keep them occupied tried to involve them. Yes I could take a potty and I would but I was carrying other things plus only saying an hour to hour and half. I left her a little while as it could just be a ploy to go back home, she then started having a go at me saying you are not to go back here and I don't like it here and I wish you never had it, saying other things also but could not remember but tone of voice and her shouting at me. I knew she did need the loo, so started packing up to go home but I am pissed off every time, I do something for my self its a problem and its always at allotment they need bathroom, yet at home go for hours with out going. The attitude on her is really getting me down. yesterday lost it as well due them not listening and not helping me asking a 100 times. Today broke down crying as I don't know what to do anymore even the days I put more effort in, I just get shouted at and talked to like piece of shit. No nasty comments please as I could do without it.

Natural consequence of refusing to the toilet before they leave the house is, okay, go in a bucket in a shed at the allotment or be uncomfortable holding it in.

Don’t go home early as they’ve obviously cottoned on that needing the loo is a way to get back home. It’ll become their standard excuse for going home.

If my toddler can squeeze a wee out before we go somewhere a 6 year old definitely can.

Thank you for you advice and will give this a go and I know, I do try to remember this but it is frustrating as the parent.

OK thank you will do

I'm gunna leave a potty down there now. And thank you

You don’t sound like a bad mum @Hakeea
You do sound like you don’t get time to yourself and sound like you are trying really hard.

Do you have anyone that can give you a break?

Thank you I try my best and yes I been feeling, I need a break but also when having a break I'm feeling guilty. I can ask family but at the moment they are busy work and there own plans but when fee next I will take that break. This why it so hard, I love them so much but they can also be a pain too. I have calmed down now not so stressed. I have had tears and me and my kids have cuddles.

Hi OP, no judgement from me, I have 2 and my eldest is 6 as well and I'm bloody tired and definitely lose my cool more than I'd like!

If you did baking and got to the allotment then I think you've won today, no worries.

But a couple of things jumped out at me from your post, I'm just echoing them back to you in case it's useful:

The kids refusing to go to the loo before going out is about control. In my house, the rule is that we don't go out until everyone has tried to have a wee. If they refused then we just wouldn't go. I wonder why you're giving them a choice on this? My kids aren't old enough to make a good choice when it comes to the loo yet, so I don't make it a question.

Secondly, in your OP you said "she talks to me like shit on most days". She's 6, so what's that about? Where has she learnt to speak like shit? At 6 they can only be repeating things they've heard in the family, or at school, or on a screen. Track down where this is coming from and cut it out - stop seeing the rude family member or stop playdates with the rude school friend or take the screen off her. This seems very serious to me - my 6 yo has no concept of being rude, knows no swear words, and is a really kind hearted kid. She sounds like she's desperate for attention or a reaction or - something? Maybe you can discuss with your partner a strategy, raise it at school to see if the teachers see a similar thing in class and have any ideas?

It seems like there's something going on here that you need to address and telling her off won't work because you're not getting to the reason WHY she's making these choices... Hope you can get some support on this, she'll be happier if you can find out what's upsetting her, and so will you.

She doesn't swear at me likely. The tone of voice gets me that proberly from me, when I am stressed. I say to her why you talking to me like that and I say to her I only talk to her that way when miss behaving. I talked to fine when it's a good day. I know I née to change my tone when she is miss behaving but so hard when you are pushed/stressed. My child is kind and loving its miss haps through the day. I noticed behaviour started when I had second born but she never went back to how see used to be with me. I treat them equal. Freya as she is younger I don't have so much problems even though noticing youngest having small tantrum sometimes and trying to get her to say her manners. Eldest is more distant with me I give cuddles, tell her I love her everyday and try to explain why I lose my cool at times. She always says I try not to do it and I do feel she trys but like me gets back in old habits. We both need to learn I guess. And thank you for advice

I say to her why you talking to me like that and I say to her I only talk to her that way when miss behaving

Don’t say things like this to her. You’re placing the responsibility of your emotions onto her and that isn’t fair. You’re asking questions of her that she can’t answer, and shouldn’t have to.

All behaviour is communication. She’s not being naughty, she’s trying to tell you something and you need to figure out what it is.

When you say you’re “trying to get her to say manners”, it sounds like you’re regularly (and not just on this issue) entering into battles with them when they don’t do what you tell them.

This isn’t and shouldn’t be a power exchange. Children role model the behaviour they see - if they see you role modelling manners, they’re more likely to copy it as part of the norm than if you try and battle with them and force them
to say it (and if you “win” said battle, you haven’t won at all because they don’t mean anything by saying it).

Your job as a parent is to teach them to grow up into emotionally healthy, resilient, happy, independent children. It is not to tell them what to do and make sure they always do what you say.