People asking if you're having another

[Tiredjoanna]

Just wanted to know others experience with this. I've got 1ds 9mo and only planned on ever having one. Now when we are out and people coo over him they all ask so are you having another? Now what got me was that this started when he was 2 days old, that's the first time I got asked. Has anyone had same and what you think 🤔

I hated people asking this as, several IVF attempts and multiple mc’s & failures, it was like a stab in the heart each time I was asked.
For a while I did the typically British polite thing of not wanting to make the asker uncomfortable and gave a noncommittal ‘we’ll see’. By the end I had to just keep say that we haven’t been lucky enough unfortunately.

Its a horrible thing for people to ask but I do think for the most part it’s just something to say.

I think it's a normal enough question to ask and plenty people do like to talk about the decision with others. If you don't want to give a straight answer, say something like 'oh we've got our hands full with this lovely one for now" or "oh of course, a full football team for us!" And then change the subject. Saying that it's in the hands of the gods/mother nature also shuts most conversations down if that's the reality for you.

So sorry runningoutofzzzzzs that you've got through all that. But this is what I'm saying, it's kind of a really personal question, especially if you're going through IVF and the like.

Theyre just trying to make conversations. There are certain stock things people ask you when you've got a small baby "are they good?" (Meaning do they sleep through) used to drive me nuts as my eldest had sleep apnoea but I didn't like the implication she was "bad". I'm afraid you have to learn to make a non-commital noise and move on....

Hi tinyteacher, yes they always ask about the sleep thing and as mine is little devil about going to sleep at night or for a nap I just end up giving a deadpan look and saying no he doesn't sleep through 🤣

Yes. And having had to do IVF for our first and having had a failed transfer already for a second it feels like a dagger to the heart sometimes. I know people are just being kind and making conversation but I wish it wasn't such a common place question.

I don’t think people should ever ask if you’re going to have a baby or if you’re going to have another (unless perhaps it’s a very close friend or family member you are comfortable having these conversations with). These people never know what struggles you’re having or it may just simply be something you don’t wish to discuss. I used to give a vague answer e.g “haha I think we’ll wait and see”. I did want another but I was hardly going to say “yes, we’re currently trying for another one”. It’s very intrusive IMO.

Yes it is a very personal question. I would just say 'ha no one is enough for me'!
I had my second at 43 and my husband had two older kids (one who lived with us full time) but I still got asked. I just said 'no, I'm 43 and have two healthy kids, my husband has four so why push out luck'?
And if people start going on about 'oh don't you want a sibling' etc I'd just repeat myself and change the conversation.

They are just making conversation, they don't really care.
You can just say I am not sure yet, or I don't know these keep me pretty busy. Don't over think it.

People don't seem to realise how personal a question it is. It's passed off as "making small talk" but it's really not. The same as "is this your first?" which I get asked all the time and then see them baulk when I reply "sadly I have two older sons who died". The question of another child is also becoming an issue for me too. I'd love another but the idea of more IVF, coming off of the mini pill and suffering more pain from endometriosis and potentially undergoing another difficult pregnancy makes it a very complicated thing.

@Georgina125 sorry to hear of your losses. That must be awful for you. I have to admit, that's one I'd say without thinking.

Possibly, one day.

That will generally do the trick

It's an extremely personal question and very rude in my opinion. You'll have years of this shit ahead of you btw 😅. I started off polite and noncommittal...except for idiots saying you "need" to have another because DC1 will be so sad and lonely as an only child. To those, response was I hope they never asked that to anyone who suffered fertility issues, had PND, they/kid nearly died in childbirth etc etc and left them hanging.

There are a million other things people can say if polite conversation is what they're looking for.

@Georgina125 💐

I used to get this all the time before I reached my 40s and people stopped asking. I wasn't able to have any more children and I used to find it upsetting, I started off saying maybe but got annoyed after a couple of years and would just say I couldn't have any more. They weren't worried about maybe upsetting me so I didn't worry about embarrassing them.

Yes this is what I get. You've got to have another one or he'll be lonely. It's not fair to him. So never mind that I'm 36 and only just handled his pregnancy, I should possibly make myself I'll getting pregnant on the off chance he gets lonely? Pretty sure there are loads of single children who are just fine😁

Alongside your question OP I would be judged by HCPs who would say, "First time Mum? That figures...". It was usually over a parenting decision I'd made. I would ask them to expand on their comment and they'd immediately backtrack.

I have one. I was going to have more but money and housing and a traumatic birth put paid to that. Yes, it can be an innocent enough question but if you look deeper it's a nosey one into your personal circumstances. My SiL said it was cruel to have an only. Funny, now her grown up two have barely anything to say to each other. My one has plenty of friends and is never lonely.

There's a one child board on MN OP. You might want to have a look there for plenty of examples of people deciding to have just one, dealing with negative comments about only children and finding no shortage of ways to keep their child with plenty of company.

Thanks fireyflies appreciate it😊

I was single mum and I still got asked this

I'd just cover DC's ears and say with a deadpan face "no we are really disappointed with how this one turned out so don't want to risk another"

🤣🤣🤣🤣 might use that one

This. I became very blunt , along the lines of, ‘ I don’t know, just had my third miscarriage.’ If that stopped them causing pain to one more person then it was a job well done.

"What?!?!?! Are you mad?" Is all I could think to say really

'No'. Usually while laughing.

If they pushed I explained that I barely coped vomiting 20 times a day for the whole 9 months the first time, and couldn't possibly imagine doing it again with a child to look after at the same time. Plus the birth was not an experience I wanted to repeat.

As for being an only child, we're very lucky she has a cousin nearby close in age, who is also an only, so best of both worlds, like a sibling you can return at the end of the day.

People seemed to stop one she was about 5, but I'm in my late 30s so that's probably a factor as well.

I imagine it's so much worse if you're trying / having fertility issues. I conceived writhing a year of trying, with no complications, but by the time I did I was sick of fielding the 'are you having children' questions.

I used to say 'my parents tried for 16 years before they had me, we've only been married two, I'll let you know if it happens, I promise'.