I feel like a single parent :(

[Panda07]

Our child is 4 months old. Our firstborn. Parenting together is not what I thought it would be. I love it, but I do everything. I am breastfeeding, so I know I chose to take on the responsibility of feeding solo. But, I also change every nappy. Get her dressed. Bathe her. Comfort her. Get her to sleep if needed. Do most of the playing and interacting. On top of that, I do all of the housework. Dad works full time. I voiced early on that I don't think he has bonded with her. Mental health issues have always been present for him and recently he has spoken about feeling low. He doesn't get any professional support, he asked for it once and the GP laughed at him. He has never asked again. I can't cope with parenting both of them. I feel awful! He comes home from work and watches youtube on his phone. No quality time with either of us. I feel like it is me and my daughter, and then him. I have to tell him to do things....like wash the dishes, hoover the floor. The house needs cleaning, you can see it does.

I want to talk to my HV but I know he won't appreciate it. It will cause a rift in the relationship.

Being as he just watches you tube videos, my thought is that he is depressed and he is using this to zone out of his life. I’ve done this. It’s the same as taking drugs to just escape from your own life.

Having said that, you don’t need to tolerate this. He either seeks help or you leave. He had a bad experience with a GP. Many of us have. He needs to see a different GP.

If he won’t seek help to fix himself you really do need to get yourself in a place where you go it alone. You are right that parenting him will be much harder than being a single parent.

Don’t destroy yourself over someone who won’t help himself. And it will destroy you.

Have you tried going out as a couple for a night off. You could relax and have some time to build as a couple and can talk about how you are both feeling.
Sometimes when you have a baby, because the baby is so dependent on us we neglect ourselves and our relationships.
You could then discuss some of what is going on with your partner and explore ways that may help.
Maybe ask to share bath times so you both do it together, it will build his confidence and the bond. In time he may feel confident to do it alone giving you some well deserved rest.
You have got this!

i think this is the case for a lot of people. My husband worked full time Long hours 6 days a week and he rarely did any housework or childcare. However because I wasn’t just on mat leave and we’d decided that I would be a sahm till they started school I didn’t mind.
he did pick them up and cuddle them and pay interest in them though. Do you think it’s more to do with his interest in the baby rather then how much hands on help he’s giving that bothering you?

I think it sometimes takes until the child is a bit older for some dads to start to bond. However, it isn't OK that you are doing everything.

You're doing the feeding but what happens when you ask him to do a bath, nappy etc? Does he not feel confident or is he actively avoiding helping?

I'd ask for specific things for him to do. Start with him taking baby out for a walk in the buggy while you go and do something else. Make sure baby has just had some milk.

Get him to help you doing a bath and then hand over getting baby dried and dressed again.

Fairly easy tasks to get him involved and build confidence - if that's the issue.

If he's just being lazy then you need to let him know it's not on and exactly how you feel about it.

Parenting alone is much easier than parenting with a partner who leaves everything to you.

If you want to stay in your relationship (you should not have to do this!) write a list and display it somewhere prominent or use a whiteboard of household chores that need doing and how often then both tick them off when you've done them, use different colours and it'll soon be visually obvious who is doing most. I am terrible at house work and do it in my own sweet time because things don't bother me like they might bother other people, but that's OK because I'm the only adult in my house when you live together that's not an option.

If you bring up needing a more even split and he blames it on full time work and MH issues but won't get support for it either from a professional or even joining a men's MH group of which many have popped up around the country then I would reevaluate the relationship because he is telling you he doesn't care enough about your family to improve things and I wouldnt accept that.

@Elbowsandknees having a baby is hard and postnatal depression happens to men to. Leaving him is not the answer.

I remember the first 6months of our new life together very well and it was challenging to adjust.
They both need to support eachother and seek the right support.

Unless they no longer care for eachother, (however I don't think that's the case) just think how you would feel if your partner left you because you was suffering postnatal depression and worrying about being stigmatised for it.
Give the guy a break

I want to talk to my HV but I know he won't appreciate it. It will cause a rift in the relationship

If he won't seek help and he's controlling who you talk to, is this a Relationship that you want to continue?

I'd have a frank discussion with him. He can self refer for Talking Therapies these days. There are lots of organisations that can help, like MIND. His willingness to help himself will show you how committed he is to you and DD.

As for the housework, tell him he needs to do more. If you've fed DD ask him if he wants to bathe DD or clean the kitchen? If he doesn't want to clean at all is he expecting you to do everything or is he going to start paying for a cleaner?

Oh God. Please don’t put it on OP to ‘fix’ this. Women drive themselves mad, wasting years, or decades, of their life trying to find the right way to approach things, to talk about things- if only they can find the way to get through to him, it will all be ok!

No. I am sure OP talks perfectly good English and he understands English.

She should be able to state her case simply and plainly. If he can’t take action to help himself after that, that’s on him, not her, and she does not need to stay in such a situation.

Most Women with PND still do everything for the baby and usually the home as well, plus they seek support. He's doing nothing at all.

Women should not be pressured into staying into what could easily be an abusive relationship.

He’s not adjusting. He’s zoning out online to avoid his life. He needs to get help. People with mental health issues have to want to get better. No one can make them do this. If he won’t seek help, the relationship will fail whether OP stays in it or not.

@Elbowsandknees not once did I put it on the OP to 'fix' things.
I simply said that when a baby arrives sometimes we neglect ourselves and our relationship. This is both partners.
I'm not saying tiptoe around him. I said go out baby free and enjoy yourselves have a discussion on what's going on and how you feel.
This may support both parents to understand how they are feeling and get the help they need.
Not just throw it away because there is a bump in the road.
However if he was like this and lazy before baby then yea absolutely walk away from a lazy.

Yes I know how postnatal depression works and how it isn't all about neglect of the baby.
I don't recall the OP saying her relationship was abusive..?
Let's not jump to conclusions and let's just give her advice on what she has said.

Mumsnet people jump to far to many conclusions

Not just throw it away because there is a bump in the road

It's not just one bump though is it? He's had MH problems before which haven't been addressed and now he's not doing anything at all with his DD or his DW.

He's not even doing basic cleaning or cooking which he'd have to do if he lived alone.

And child free time isn't available fir everyone.

I agree that they do need to talk but the OP should not be pressured into staying with a grown adult that does no adulting themselves.

Thank you everyone.

To add some more information and reply to some points made -

He has an older child that he raised as a single parent. He knows how to parent. I encouraged him to take the led at bath time, which he did at the beginning. He would have a bath with her, but now that she prefers her bath seat than being in his arms, he stopped bathing her. He constantly voices that she prefers me over him. If the opportunity is right, I hand her over to be winded. I say "I'm just going to do the dishes or hovering etc, she needs changing". I end up changing her.

He loves her, there is no doubt in my mind in that. I think he is in a really dark place mentally and myself and our daughter are suffering from the effects of it. We have spoken about him getting help, he doesn't want to. Whatever I say during a low period, doesn't seem to be the right words. And he will tell me I am not helping. I just don't know what to do.

Yes I know how postnatal depression works and how it isn't all about neglect of the baby.
I don't recall the OP saying her relationship was abusive..?
Let's not jump to conclusions and let's just give her advice on what she has said.

Mumsnet people jump to far to many conclusions

Lots of Women don't realise that their relationship is abusive and the OP has said that he won't seek help for his MH and he is also controlling who she talks to about it. If she's scared to bring her situation up with the HV when it's obviously upsetting her for fear of how he will react, that is an abusive relationship whether she realises it or not.

Lots of abusers use MH as a way to control their partners.

He could genuinely just be depressed, hence my suggestion to urge him to seek help and if he won't it shows that he's not prepared to change.

He's not even doing basic cleaning or cooking which he'd have to do if he lived alone.

yes and people with mental health problems who live alone also neglect themselves and their home. Unfortunately mental health can be detrimental in alot of aspects.

He does need to seek help for his mental health but it sounds like he really is struggling with that and a mix of postnatal depression.
My other half also felt that the baby preferred me because I was home with the baby 24/7 and I knew his routine better.

He just needs to feel that there is no shame in getting support for this.

He has previous MH issues, he is refusing to seek help and OP is too scared to talk to a third party professional about the situation for fear of his reaction.

This looks like much more than a bump that can be solved with an open chat.

And his life avoiding behaviour is enabled by OP doing everything.

I am being generous to the partner here by assuming he does have mh issues, rather than is just a lazy fuck, as I have been where I am guessing he is. Except I didn’t have a wife to care for the kids, so I eventually realised I had to seek help cos my kids were going to suffer from me being a shit mum.

And I know that he needs to want to get help. There’s no point OP trying to make him get help as, as even if he goes, he won’t be engaging with it to get better. It’s hard to work on your MH and you have to really want to. No one else can make you.

So if he’s not willing or motivated to get help to get batter, OP does need to think about leaving.

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto I believe she said that he would not appreciate her telling a HV and would cause a rift. Not that he controls her.

I wouldn't appreciate my OH to be talking about my MH to a professional either if I was uncomfortable with how I was feeling but I don't control my partner and I'm not abusive

•We have spoken about him getting help, he doesn't want to. Whatever I say during a low period, doesn't seem to be the right words. And he will tell me I am not helping. I just don't know what to do.

My DH suffers with depression. I think he may have undiagnosed ASD as DD has it.

The difference is though that he will seek help.

It's hard to recognise sometimes that you need help but he knows he does and still won't seek help.

It's not up to you to try and fix him. It's just not possible.

If he won't seek help for his MH, will he try relationship counselling? If he won't do that either then he's telling you clearly who he is and what the next few decades will be like.

You might not like it but that does not mean your partner would be wrong to do so.

It’s not in common for family members to speak to healthcare professionals about family members they are concerned about but who they are struggling to get to seek help. Especially where the person’s mental health is impacting the whole family.

And actually, I do think reacting badly to your partner talking to a HV / health practitioner about how your mental health is affecting them, is quite controlling and abusive. Because you are seeking to prevent them from seeking help with the effects of your behaviour on them. Expecting them to suffer alone is quite abusive.

Exactly the point I was trying to make

Again, please read my comments. I never said it was wrong for OP to discuss health concerns.

Just re-read your comment and mine still stands.

It's so hard having a young baby.

The issue here I think is the not getting any help. Can he self refer to therapy if he wants to avoid talking to the GP?
If you ask directly for him to change her nappy for example, what does he say/do?

You should also be free to talk to the HV without fear of his reaction.

People talking about going out alone without the baby...OP is breastfeeding a young baby which makes that very difficult.

OP do you have other support from family/friends?