Is one child really harder?

[MaxwellCat]

Did post in chat but thought here may be better..

I'm a lone parent to 4 children (they don't see their father) my oldest two are autistic, its really hard going. But one thing that keeps coming up is people keep telling me its easier having 4 than it is to have just one (many many people have told me this even those with multiple childdsn, someone with 7 children told me she finds it easier with 7 than when she just has one! But also those with one have said the same thing) the reason being is apparently they can play together but that feels like a very small part of parenting to me, so whilst my kids do play together sometimes I would say they spend wayyyy more time arguing and fighting then they do playing. So I might not have one that I have to entertain but I do have to constantly break up arguments (more so between the youngest two who are forever in competition) then there is the cost of having multiple children and going anywhere takes forever to get ready and organised, I would love to take them on holiday but the thought of taking 4 children alone is very daunting and not sure I could manage it. Then there's cooking 4 dinners every night, cleaning up after 4 getting 4 ready for school (I've already done two different school runs today) appointments for 4, and forget getting anyone to babysit them, literally no one will have them but I thought more was easier?!

anyway when I'm with one (oldest is home educated) I can't help but think how simply and easy my life would have been with only her to concentrate on, the house stays clean, there is no fighting, I only seen to worry about one she is 12 so isn't hounding me. I barely get a chance to sit down as its just mum mum mum constantly. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I knew I was going to be a lone parent I would have definitely just stuck with one (obviously relationships break down sometimes but I still would have expected some contact) its just so peaceful with one at home I genuinely can't see how its not easier? (I could see how two may be easier than one if they get on very well) am I just deluded and my life is easier now and one would have been much harder? 🤔

Of course having one isn’t harder! It’s infinitely easier.

From lots of experience babysitting 1 child vs 3 children, there's some truth to that, assuming they all get on well and there are no left out children who come bug you.

In terms of other logistics (school events, admin, money, etc), obviously 1 is way easier.

Two is sometimes easier than one. 4 is most definitely not!

I’d say 2 is easier than 1
3+ is harder than 1

As long as it's more than 1, I think the main factor is how well they get on though. 1 is usually the most tiring for me to take care of. Can't leave them alone too much because you fear for their socialisation. And even when you engage with them, you constantly have to be responding (vs when you play with 2 or more, you're more of a participant than a facilitator)

I’ve got three in total and every time I’m only looking after one or two it feels VERY easy in comparison!

Four… on your own… yeah you’ve got it tough OP. And anyone who tries to minimise that or compete with it sounds like a dickhead.

As a parent of one and my friends have 3 / 4 I 100% feel I have it easier! Emotionally financially and mentally!
However there children do not play well together so that might be the key.

If your children get on well you may have easier times but I still can't see how it's all round easier than one

Thats what I'm trying to understand I just can't work out how its easier! I wouldn't know about babysitters im yet to find anyone that will babysit all of them! Even family won't have them

I have one. I would say it's easier in every respect apart from having to be their playmate, which I do find rather tedious at times! But only because the games are shit (role play is their fav!)

I literally haven't ever heard anyone say that 4 children must be easier than 1.

Two can be easier in someways but not all.

One child in almost every sense is massively easier.

Oh they do!

I miss just having one. He's was a breeze.

I think it's the SEN challenges as well as never having a break that are more relevant here. My eldest has SEN and he takes up double the time and mental space than 3yo twins. It's relentless, I'm in awe of you having two children with additional needs, and having the time to brush your teeth to be honest.

In other news @MaxwellCat (and please tell me to piss off and mind my own) I have been on MN a while, and I have seen several of your posts and you do seem incredibly tired, and never get a break. Should you be located anywhere near East Anglia, please PM me, and if there's anything I can do, just to give you a bit of much needed rest, I'd like to offer x

2 kids without SEN and both parents around is potentially easier than one.

Solo parenting 4 kids sounds incredibly hard and I’m shocked people would be so presumptive to tell you otherwise!

As parent of an only i would say 1 is easier in every way. I still wouldn't describe it as 'easy' in the same way I don't talk about easy births, but yes - it always seemed to me that I had a much more straightforward time with just ds.

I have a nearly 4 year old and a 7 year old. To be honest generally it’s easier to have both of them together rather than just 1 when it comes to playing. But there is still x2 medication to remember and fit in, x2 tantrums, x2 illnesses. I imagine with x4 children the dynamics can be complex. I have a DH so we can divide and rule.

Oh my god no!

I've only got 2, and they are so so SO much more difficult together. When I get to have time with each one on their own (swimming, food shopping, or just hanging around the house) they are each an absolute pleasure to spend time with, and will often go off and play by themselves for a bit. They have the odd moment of over-tiredness, a bit of a tantrum or stubborness. But it's so easy compared to when they are together: arguments, screaming, fighting over my attention, having to have two of absolutely everying labeled with their names.

My husband and I have had many fantasy conversations about splitting up and having 50-50 custody, but one at a time 50-50!

They're 2 and 4 - maybe they'll learn to get on better, or maybe they'll learn how to fight even more! But it's been really tough from the minute number 2 was born.

I have 1. I can imagine it's easier in many ways to having 4, time, finance etc, many of the reasons why people choose to stop at 1. The only thing I would say is harder is having to provide all the entertainment. I'm sure having 2+ takes a bit of the pressure off if they play together.

I have 2 pre-schoolers and it's an absolute dream when I only have 1 to look after. Put them together and yes they do sometimes play together nicely, but it's mostly fighting over toys, pushing each other and generally getting each other over excited then running around screaming like zoo animals😂

Do you think the people telling you this really mean it or is it just a misguided attempt to make you feel better?

With one, you are the playmate. Unless they are particularly good at amusing themself. When they have a friend round I can leave them to it. But I bet the juggle of multiple school runs and clubs with four is a bloody nightmare!

Thank you that is so kind unfortunately I'm nowhere near but thanks for the offer

Oh no it was on a single parents group someone was asking how single parents manage with multiple children and most of the comments were saying its easier, I commented to sympathise with the struggle and mentioned how much easier it is with just my daughter at home and someone replied on my comment saying "really?! I find it easier with all mine at home its so much harder with one" but its something I've heard a lot, my sister only ever had one and said it was harder as mine can "play" but so far we've had an argument between my two boys today again because they are both trying to talk to me at the same time and the younger one won't wait so is getting angry with the older one just everything is a competition!

I don't get how more than one can ever be easier really, sure IF they get along then you don't have to do as much play maybe; but money wise, time wise and everything else is surely more.

I have never heard anyone say having one child is harder than multiple children. Having more than one looks incredibly hard to me (which is partly why I stopped at one!). The only aspect that’s perhaps harder with one is you have to be more prepared to play with them, but there no guarantee siblings will always play together nicely anyway.