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Original poster

Separating during pregnancy, new born, breastfeeding

35 replies

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 12:49

How would it work? Anyone been in similar position and how has it worked when the fathers takes the other children how would he take the newborn? Would it have to be formula fed? Would he not be expected to take the baby? I'm so stressed and feel sick thinking about it

OP posts:
Teaandsympathy · 10/07/2023 13:17

Are you married? If not then it’s a bit easier as no automatic parental rights but even if you are I don’t think the father can make you hand over the newborn in the early days and establishing breastfeeding. Ask your midwife and a solicitor if you can for advice.

DataNotLore · 10/07/2023 13:18

He wouldn't take the newborn, they would stay with you.

sandrene · 10/07/2023 13:18

Definitely breastfeed - get help from an IBCLC if needed - I believe it will give you more rights to hold on to your baby during the first few months when it might otherwise be very difficult for you to hand baby over.

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GerbilsForever24 · 10/07/2023 13:29

As far as I'm aware, you'd need to facilitate contact between him and the newborn, most likely in your home or with you present if you're breastfeeding. Obviously, a lot depends on the situation regarding your break up.

Original poster
Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 14:08

Not married thankfully.
I will happily facilitate contact in my home.
I'm just worried about being pressured into bottle feeding by him or his family.

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 10/07/2023 14:10

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 14:08

Not married thankfully.
I will happily facilitate contact in my home.
I'm just worried about being pressured into bottle feeding by him or his family.

It entirely up to you how you feed your baby. There will be plenty of opportunity for him and his family to look after the baby after you’ve weened her off.

Kadyrose · 10/07/2023 20:25

At the start baby needs to feed very regularly to establish your supply etc so I don't think it would be reasonable for him to take baby overnight ( would he want to?) Daytime contact where you could be nearby to feed baby when needed would be best, a neutral party's house for example. Once supply is established you can express and bottle feed breastmilk so baby is getting benefits. He does have equal parental rights to baby and this is not overridden by your decision to breastfeed. He should be given the same opportunity to bond with the baby. It would be best to come to some type of agreement regarding all this before baby is born to prevent any stress for you and baby.
.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2023 20:27

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 14:08

Not married thankfully.
I will happily facilitate contact in my home.
I'm just worried about being pressured into bottle feeding by him or his family.

They can't.

Be as reasonable as you can within the boundaries of what is best for baby and you. Which means no overnights for a long time. However, expressing a little later on so he can take the baby out is reasonable. Don't get mastitis so he can show the baby off!

Kadyrose · 10/07/2023 20:31

sandrene · 10/07/2023 13:18

Definitely breastfeed - get help from an IBCLC if needed - I believe it will give you more rights to hold on to your baby during the first few months when it might otherwise be very difficult for you to hand baby over.

Breastfeeding doesn't give you more rights and shouldn't be used this way. Breastfeeding is brilliant for baby but doesn't take away a father's rights to have time with their child. You need to work with the father to ensure you are both having time with baby while enabling you to breastfeed. If this ends up in court he will be entitled to 50/50 custody unless there is a risk established and courts don't look kindly on women manipulating breastfeeding to have "more rights"

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2023 20:36

He won't get 50:50 with a BF newborn baby.

Kadyrose · 10/07/2023 20:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2023 20:36

He won't get 50:50 with a BF newborn baby.

Your evidence for this?

As someone who writes recommendations to the courts contact is usually 50/50 unless there is a specific reason, breastfeeding is not one. Yes for the first few months maybe not but by the time it gets through court ( 6 months or more) a father has equal rights to a mother legally

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2023 20:42

Which is why I said a "newborn baby". Of course it's different in a few months, when BFing has been established and mum can express or mixed feeding won't bugger things up.

HVPRN · 10/07/2023 20:51

No, for the first 6 months, baby will be staying when you overnight, you will need to breastfeed overnight to keep your supply up for adequate nutrition and calories before introducing complementary foods. Even then milk is the main source of nutrition until baby is 1y. Expressing is hard and you get less from expressing than what baby can latch and take from your breast themselves.

My fella said he can't imagine any dad wanting to take a baby away from mum overnight, it's not about him and his needs, but that of the baby with their mum. The trauma it would cause a breastfed baby to not find that boob in the night, then the mum becoming engorged with no baby to drain and she has to wake up anyway and express into a bottle.

Was he up with the other children in the night?

ridingsolo · 10/07/2023 20:53

Did you breast feed your other child?

Original poster
Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 20:57

I didn't my first but I did my second.
He's never got up during the night either. I'm not sure he would request overnight stays if only to be spiteful or I can Imagine his parents pushing him to visit with the newborn.
I don't think he'd go for 50/50 as that would mean he'd actually have to work less, earn less.
There has been some abuse (verbal to me) (physical to my son) which is the reason for me wanting separation.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2023 20:59

There has been some abuse (verbal to me) (physical to my son) which is the reason for me wanting separation.

Have you reported the physical abuse?

Sunnydaysarentagiveneveninjuly · 10/07/2023 21:01

AFAIK no overnights under a year old. Do not be bullied op.

Original poster
Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 21:07

No, it was a few weeks ago now. And it was whilst we were away. There wasn't any marks left.

OP posts:
Kadyrose · 10/07/2023 21:09

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 21:07

No, it was a few weeks ago now. And it was whilst we were away. There wasn't any marks left.

I hope you and your son are ok, would you be concerned with him having your children on his own if he has been abusive?

Wishitsnows · 10/07/2023 21:14

@Kadyrose wow after 6 months I can’t think what kind of man would push for 50/50. Certainly not one that gives a shit about what is best for the baby only his own rights. Sad that you see so many of these reports coming through the courts.

Kadyrose · 10/07/2023 21:22

Wishitsnows · 10/07/2023 21:14

@Kadyrose wow after 6 months I can’t think what kind of man would push for 50/50. Certainly not one that gives a shit about what is best for the baby only his own rights. Sad that you see so many of these reports coming through the courts.

Why wouldn't a father want equal access to his child? The child has two parents and by law they have equal parental responsibility for that child and it is not differentiated by gender. Most cases parents agree a schedule outside of court but to recommend a father doesn't get 50/50 is against his right to family life unless there is a clear reason he shouldn't. This is the current UK legal system

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 21:52

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 14:08

Not married thankfully.
I will happily facilitate contact in my home.
I'm just worried about being pressured into bottle feeding by him or his family.

Hi there.
I was in this situation, ex left at 8 months pregnant (first baby).
'Feeling pressured by him or his family' - this is the first point to address - do not engage with any memebers of his family about arrangements, only go through him. If they contact you about it ignore or signpost them back to baby's father.

You have all the rights - especially if you don't put him on birth certificate, not at first at least (it's very easy to add him on later). I strongly recommend you do this and don't enter into any discussion with him about it. If he has older children with you, he must (I hope) understand that when baby is tiny you and him are a unit, you could forward him info on the 4th trimester. My ex thought that he'd be having baby overnight from a few months but since meeting baby and realising how hard it is, and also realising how safe and cozy baby is in my home, he has never asked to have him overnight. All visits are in my home or we go out and about together and we are just starting now (since 4 month) for dad to sometimes take him
Out to the park in pram without me (but im
Closeby if he cries). I'm no longer breatfeeding, but there is not a court in the world that would order you to bottle feed instead of breastfeed.
Only when you feel ready and you're not breast feeding should you slowly start letting him take baby away from you, with the siblings too, at first just to visit his home for a little while, a very very gradual build up to over nights.

Well done for being so brave, it's the toughest time to have a break up. Make sure you've got some great support lined up especially as if you need a c section you'll find mobility very hard. Tell your midwives what is happening it makes everyone extra nice to you and you can talk through things like when should he meet the baby for the first time with them. I'd recommend having someone else as your birth partner too so you feel as calm and happy as you can and don't have to rely on an ex.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 21:54

@kadyrose the court doesn't see the fathers right to take baby away, it sees the baby's right to well-being and establishing a relationship with both parents. It would clearly not be in its best interest to be removed from mother in the first few weeks. They can still have a relationship with him visiting regularly which OP is happy to facilitate. Wanting to breastfeed and be close to your breatfeed on demand baby is not manipulating its doign what the WHO recommends is best for babies!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 21:55

HVPRN · 10/07/2023 20:51

No, for the first 6 months, baby will be staying when you overnight, you will need to breastfeed overnight to keep your supply up for adequate nutrition and calories before introducing complementary foods. Even then milk is the main source of nutrition until baby is 1y. Expressing is hard and you get less from expressing than what baby can latch and take from your breast themselves.

My fella said he can't imagine any dad wanting to take a baby away from mum overnight, it's not about him and his needs, but that of the baby with their mum. The trauma it would cause a breastfed baby to not find that boob in the night, then the mum becoming engorged with no baby to drain and she has to wake up anyway and express into a bottle.

Was he up with the other children in the night?

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/07/2023 21:55

Helpisonthewaydear · 10/07/2023 20:57

I didn't my first but I did my second.
He's never got up during the night either. I'm not sure he would request overnight stays if only to be spiteful or I can Imagine his parents pushing him to visit with the newborn.
I don't think he'd go for 50/50 as that would mean he'd actually have to work less, earn less.
There has been some abuse (verbal to me) (physical to my son) which is the reason for me wanting separation.

Make sure you document this - contact womens aid for advice on how