Toddler behaving like a dictator

[pimlicopubber]

Help! We are losing our mind with our toddler.
He is 2 years and 5 months old. His little sister was born 2 months ago, so we expected some change in behaviour.
However, the recent weeks have been a nightmare. We just had a fairly typical morning.
He has always been a rubbish sleeper, goes to bed after 9 pm, wakes at 6 am, so the mornings are loooong.
This morning it took us 4 hours to get out of the house to the nursery.
He didn't want to eat anything, then suddenly got hungry at the last minute. He is not a good eater, so we let him.
Everything was a massive struggle. For example, when putting on shoes, he wanted daddy to out one shoe on,mummy to out the other shoe, daddy to tie it... We tried giving him 2 choices, we tried pick whichever clothes (etc) he wants, but nothing prevents a massive tantrum.
He got his clothes wet so had to get changed, I ended.up holding him down and dressing him by myself, then he proceeded to take his pants off!

Same story with the potty, socks, you get the picture!

What do we do? He is obviously jealous of his little sister. My husband has been spending all his non-working hours with our toddler to make sure he feels loved, but it's apparently not enough. He doesn't ask for me much, apart for some random tasks. As a result, when I try to force things upon him, he always calls daddy, who is getting more and more burn out.
We love our son, we want to make sure he feels love and heard, but he can't rule our lives!
Mornings suck so bad for all 3 of us.

We are committed to "gentle" (not to be confused with "permissive") parenting.

That is your problem. You have no authority. Stop giving him choices.

These comments are the opposite of what books reccomend e.g not giving choices and ignoring ‘ bad behavior and invalidating their feelings but im at the same point and feel the gentle parenting books such as how to talk so kids will listen, are not working for my child either

I remember having to hold my DC’s legs whilst trying to wrangle him into the buggy to go to nursery, then DC would not get out of the thing when we got there! This happened a few times. One shoe has to go on one foot before the other sometimes. I try not to be too reactive and I’m firm but…try and keep the language upbeat. I don’t give DC choices when we need to do something.

I loved how to talk so that little kids will listen.

But mainly just remember this will pass.. be kind but firm, be considerate but don't pander to things like the shoes. Be playful and positive.

All easier said than done of course.

We nicknamed our youngest Kim Jong Un for a while there. She did move on although she is still the most stubborn child you will ever meet.

I was going to write something very similar to @DaisyWaldron. No matter how much he does (or does not) love baby, he's had his world completely disrupted. Even if he was not a particularly routine-bound toddler beforehand, right now, he probably needs a very consistent, very predictable routine so that he can feel safe and secure whilst he adjusts to this new world order.

Keep the fun, keep the choices if they were working for you, but the three of you together work out what the routine is going to be and stick to it if humanly possible for a bit. If he's a poor eater, always a safe, easy option available for now – keep putting other stuff out, but zero pressure around it. Even over the holidays, I'd keep mornings, meals, and bedtimes as consistent as possible.

I think you need to be firmer in your boundaries. It can feel tough in the moment but children actually love knowing exactly where they stand; having their parents set a boundary and then break it causes them anxiety and leads them to behave in more challenging ways as they try to figure out exactly where the limits are.

As an example, for breakfast - offer him his breakfast. If he doesn’t want to eat it, that’s fine. He’s in charge of what he eats. After a reasonable length of time (say 20 minutes) breakfast goes away. If he then claims to be hungry remind him of when the next opportunity for food is (‘breakfast has been put away now, you will get a snack at nursery’). If you’re worried about him not eating enough you can give him 24/7 access to a snack basket with low-reward snacks (fruit, crackers, babybels) which he can help himself to any time. But stick to the rule that a meal is on the table for 20 minutes and if he doesn’t start eating in that time it goes away and he has to wait for the next timetabled snack or meal.

When it comes to battles about getting dressed my best method is to build in something fun to our routine which we can only do if my son is helpful about getting dressed. So for example, we stop at the park on our way to nursery for 20 minutes if we have time. It means I can give my son some control - ‘You can choose to get dressed now and there will be time to go to the park, or you can choose not to get dressed now and there won’t be time to go to the park. Let me know what you decide.’

The key is that the choice is legitimate one - I’ve built the park time into our morning routine, so if he chooses not to get dressed we have 20 minutes spare to resolve the issue before it is making us late. The ‘fun’ part of the routine can be whatever works for you - cuddle and a story before leaving, park visit, episode of TV. Whatever is a good motivator and can be built in as a permanent feature of your routine.

Tantrums are normal (although not fun) and not a sign of parental failure. Don't treat them like a failure and sometimes you just have to go right through to the other side rather than backing away.

Stop giving him choices. Stop doing what he demands. You're the parent. A 2 year old doesn't get to be the boss. Start discipline and consequences

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First poster nailed it

We are committed to "gentle" (not to be confused with "permissive") parenting.

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Wait till he's 19, 6'2 and 300 pounds

I've read a few parenting books including the one mentioned above

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Ah okay then