Toddler behaving like a dictator

[pimlicopubber]

Help! We are losing our mind with our toddler.
He is 2 years and 5 months old. His little sister was born 2 months ago, so we expected some change in behaviour.
However, the recent weeks have been a nightmare. We just had a fairly typical morning.
He has always been a rubbish sleeper, goes to bed after 9 pm, wakes at 6 am, so the mornings are loooong.
This morning it took us 4 hours to get out of the house to the nursery.
He didn't want to eat anything, then suddenly got hungry at the last minute. He is not a good eater, so we let him.
Everything was a massive struggle. For example, when putting on shoes, he wanted daddy to out one shoe on,mummy to out the other shoe, daddy to tie it... We tried giving him 2 choices, we tried pick whichever clothes (etc) he wants, but nothing prevents a massive tantrum.
He got his clothes wet so had to get changed, I ended.up holding him down and dressing him by myself, then he proceeded to take his pants off!

Same story with the potty, socks, you get the picture!

What do we do? He is obviously jealous of his little sister. My husband has been spending all his non-working hours with our toddler to make sure he feels loved, but it's apparently not enough. He doesn't ask for me much, apart for some random tasks. As a result, when I try to force things upon him, he always calls daddy, who is getting more and more burn out.
We love our son, we want to make sure he feels love and heard, but he can't rule our lives!
Mornings suck so bad for all 3 of us.

Stop giving him choices. Stop doing what he demands. You're the parent. A 2 year old doesn't get to be the boss. Start discipline and consequences. Ignore tantrums, walk away. Children would never have gotten away with this 50 years ago. I don't mean any of this harshly, btw, but it has to be worth a try.

My niece used to have epic tantrums, and my sister would be in a total flap trying to calm her down. When my Mum was babysitting and a tantrum started, she would tell niece not to be so ridiculous and walk off, and hey ho, tanrum nipped in the bud because no one was bothered.

My toddler is similar age and stuff that vaguely works is distracting her while we do stuff eg rather than saying ‘ I’m going to do your shoes now’ slipping them on while we’re reading a story, trying to makes stuff fun so she doesn’t treatise it’s a functional thing eg let’s go downstairs like a tiger/bird. Also using a timer ‘ 10 minutes more play.’ Or things like ‘ yes you can do xyz when you’ve cleaned your teeth.’ Solidarity though.

You are giving him too much control!
If he won't get dressed, he goes to nursery in his pj's with his clothes in a bag.
If Dad is putting his shoes on, either Dad or DS does it - no other options
If he won't eat, take it away. You'll only have to do it a couple of times.

He needs to go to bed earlier. You need to have a lovely, wind-down bed time routine for a toddler that starts with dinner at around 4-4:30 pm, bath, snack time (cup of milk), teeth, stories and snuggles and have him tucked up by 7-7:30. He will feel more secure if he has a routine based around him and his priorities. I would not ask questions that have a yes or no answer (like “Do you want a drink?”) or open questions (“What do you want to drink?”) and change to “Do you want milk or water?”)
When you ask him a question that allows him to pick between two things, he feels empowered (up to a point) but you will have to be strong and not allow further opinions on his behalf. (“No! I want to wear my Bluey pajamas!” You will have to stay on track “They’re wet, babe. Want to wear the Spider-Man ones or the Toy Story ones?”)

Stop giving into it?!

Like getting dressed red top or blue top, oh can’t decide, I’ll choose then, wrestle the red top on, ignore any tantrum by literally walking away to another room. Breakfast is at 7, sit down at the table to eat, choose ceral or toast, doesn’t want either, fine, clear away without another word and warn nursery he might be hungry so they can give him breakfast there or pack an extra snack in his bag if he takes a packed lunch. He doesn’t get to choose who puts his shoes on. If he doesn’t want daddy to do it today then he goes in the pram/car without them to nursery and put them in his bag. Don’t argue with a toddler, remember never negotiate with terrorists 🤣, give it as little attention as possible.

Then when he does do something nicely first time shower him with lots of praise and also make sure to find time to play with him 1 on 1 without the new baby so there’s loads of positive attention that means he’s not so inclined to seek the negative.

Is he still napping? If he is then it might be time to cut it in the hope of getting a more reasonable bedtime. My DS is the same age and he goes up to bed with a stairgate on his door no later than 7.30. There are some toys in his room he can play with but he gets a story, a kiss goodnight and then we leave. I’d go insane if I had him up until 9pm!

Tough age though, especially with a new baby. Remember this too shall pass. Hopefully sooner rather than later if you can set down some clear and consistent boundaries.

There definitely sounds like areas where you are letting him be a 'dictator' and you need to take back control. If he goes to nursery in PJ's, fine! If he misses food because he's messing round (even with eating issues), he'll soon learn. That doesn't mean let him go hungry all day, you need to reach a happy medium.

Also some of it is just his age - toddlers are really hard work!

Parenting in the first stages is really unique - all about love and care, and then suddenly you have a toddler, and there are things like behaviour, discipline, boundaries, interactions with others etc to work out. Its a totally different style of parenting.

He's probably also feeling pushed out by his baby sibling, and trying to work out his feelings about that. How much is he in nursery during your maternity leave? If it's full time, then I'd suggest rolling that back a bit (say 2 days at home) so he can spend some time with you and baby, and maybe you can go and have some fun together?

I had this with DD and also had a young baby; I read how to talk so little kids will listen and it was very helpful so I’d recommend this

He’s not doing it on purpose. He’s just behaving in a completely instinctive way - because he’s a toddler; because his world has been turned upside down by the arrival of the baby; etc

In addition to ‘How to Talk to Little Kids’ I really rate ‘De Siggie’ on Instagram. She is very wise (and non-judgemental) and I wish I’d discovered her when my epic-tantrum-throwing DS was that age!

https://instagram.com/dr.siggie?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==

He’s too little to be given all this control and choice, really. He probably doesn’t know what to do with it! You think you’re being kind and validating him but in reality he wants far more boundaries from you and you need to be firm and immovable.

Stop pandering to him.

His whole life has just changed and he feels out of control. He doesn't need to be one making all the decisions in the family. He needs to feel secure with consistency and predictability so that he knows where he stands and what to expect.

Talk to him and maybe write a little story with pictures together (or make up a song) about what happens in the morning, and when he gets home from nursery, and the routine around mealtimes and bedtimes. You can make little posters of the stories with photos or pictures ("Charlie's morning" , " Charlie's dinner" "Goodnight Charlie" etc). You can talk through the story and get him to help you write it, which might lead to some fun silly parts of the routine, like putting his pants on his head first, or trying to fit his sock on your foot.

Then you tell him the story and show him the pictures every time you go through the routine and he will know what to expect. He might not like it at first, and he will probably experiment a bit to see what happens if he doesn't follow the routine and push boundaries and get cross, but what he really wants is to feel safe and secure with you.

See how he responds, and tweak the things that don't work,. It's about giving him security, not about you always having to be right, so if get things wrong or his needs change, don't get stuck in a rigid inflexible routine. And you might have to pretend to be relaxed and having fun at first, and obviously life will get in the way and knock you off course ALL THE TIME, but working out a routine that fits your personalities and is fun for you both will give you so much confidence. Incorporate the stuff that you find fun when playing with him - singing or dancing or silly voices or pretending be a cartoon character or pictures or secret handshakes or impressive athletic feats or pretending to be wrong all the time or sound effects, and in a month or so you will be starting to look forward to sock time.

Also, sometimes none of it will work and you'll both show up to nursery tear-stained and exhausted, but so will all the other parents and toddlers because parenting is hard and nobody manages to get it right all the time and that's ok too.

Keep calm, however difficult. As many others have said he is getting far too much choice, at a very young age, when it is clearly not helping him. If he refuses food, then take it away. If he won't put clothes on - fine, go out in pyjamas or naked if necessary - my DD tried this just once and realised she was going to be taken to school in her vest, and she was dressed in seconds. Hard for you, hard time for him, but you are the adult who needs to be making the rules. Good luck.

We have that exact age gap and are 3 months along from you. It gets much easier!

You are reacting to the emotions he’s displaying rather than getting on with what you want him to do. If you need to get his shoes on then that is the priority - not pandering to how a 2 year old ‘feels’ about it. If you need to get him dressed, pick some clothes out and just sing song through it as best you can.

You ignore the tantrumming and whining - and I know that’s easier said than done but you pretend (Oscar-winning) performance that it’s not happening and you carry on in a very positive Mary Poppins way. Pick him up to move him if you have to. Distract where you can.

Praise and cuddle everything good and indifferent - ignore and distract from the bad. He’ll soon learn that behaving badly does not get results. He currently gets lots of attention from his behaviour and that’s where you’re exacerbating it.

Children thrive best where adults who love them are firmly in charge. Pandering to them because you feel out of control is not good parenting. So don’t feel bad if you need to be firm or don’t pay attention to his tantrums. It’s better for him in the long term.

Similar age gap and have learnt that most tantrums can be headed off by 'oh look, there's a dog!' And pointing convincingly out the window. At bedtime, 'did you hear that owl?!' Etc etc.

We each try and spend a bit of quality alone time with toddler too, without the baby. Mixed feeding had helped with this so we're both able to look after the baby on our own can each take turns focussing sole attention on toddler.

Involve toddler getting baby 'ready for bed' before toddler's bedtime (even if in reality, the baby has no bedtime yet and will be up all bloody night). Then it doesn't feel like Mummy and Daddy and new baby are staying up having fun without toddler. Then it's 'right, tonight Daddy's doing baby's bedtime and Mummy's doing your bedtime, say night night... would you like X book or Y book for your story?'

I think we felt guilty at first at this massive upheaval we'd inflicted on DC1 and were indulging too much. Toddler (and us) much happier now we're ignoring tantrums

A phrase DH and I laugh about now but that saved our sanity in the toddler years was (taken from a similar thread here but clearly attributable!) ‘We do NOT negotiate with terrorists’. Distract sure, choices sure, say ‘yes’ every time you can but no negotiation.

When he demands daddy your DH can say “Daddy is busy, do want mummy said” back each other up. If you offer two things for breakfast and he says -no, DH can say “mummy/I am/is doing X or Y for breakfast, which do you want”

With things like the shoes, only one of you is doing that, Mummy or Daddy.

Be consistent.

Does he nap during the day? DS2 was a demon when tired. I still remember the day it took nearly 90 mins to walk the 20 mins home from nursery as he was refusing to walk and having tantrums. That day we got in the door and I was so stressed I ignored him once we got in. I turned around about 5 mins after we got in and found him curled up asleep on the doormat.

Thanks for your comments!
We will try to be more consistent with the routine and perhaps try some pictures etc.
Just to elaborate, we always end up wrestling him to do things that need to be done, so we are not "pandering" - however, almost everything just ends up being a struggle!

We've tried giving him 2 things to choose from - this worked very well until very recently, now he always wants a choice that is not available.

This

To add more info:

• he is doing the "No! Daddy does this!" even when we are out and daddy is far away ..
• he goes to the nursery 4 days per week, 9 am - 4 pm. Not keen to cut it down atm! We go to the playground or the park almost every day after nursery and go to a playgroup or a city farm on his days off
• I've read a few parenting books including the one mentioned above
• We are committed to "gentle" (not to be confused with "permissive") parenting. I know children were disciplined a lot more when I was a child myself, but I don't see it as a good thing. We want to strike the right balance.

You say you're not permissive, but it sounds very much like you are! To quote your original post 'So we let him'... You need to stop letting him!! You say a choice of 2 has stopped working because he's demanding something different. Well something different is not an option, tell him to chose A or B or you will decide for him. When he says he wants C you decide for him. When he has a tantrum over it, so what? People get cross when they're thwarted, it's just part of being human! He'll have a tantrum the next time too, and the next. And then he'll start to twig that actually you mean what you say so if he wants any control over the situ at all better just chose A or B. And that's what he'll do. You don't have to be mean. You can stay nice and calm and validating and empathising and Gentle Parenting, and stick like glue to the A or B strategy, no nonsense, too.

Exactly this. You need to get firmer with him. Off to nursery in pyjamas is one my friend had to do once. Don’t let him delay you at all. If he won’t sit nicely for his shoes, pick him up and strap him into his car seat and put his shoes in a bag. He needs to know you mean business.

Obviously ‘gentle parenting’ isn’t working for you though is it? Otherwise you wouldn’t be on here with all these issues? Kids don’t want choices and emotional responsibility, they want to feel safe knowing their parents are in control and looking after them. I’m confused as to why you’re sticking with a parenting technique that clearly doesn’t suit your son and is forcing you to seek strategies elsewhere?