What is something you've taken from your parents and used in your own parenting

[lilacsky89]

Obviously there are usually some things we would change (and for some everything you would change ☹️) but what is something you think your parents did really well at and you want to or have used in your own parenting? Maybe something your parents did that has had a really positive impact on your adult life?

Just one parent to another looking for some parenting tips that are actually from the childhood point of view/experience

A quiet/calm home. No dramas, no door slamming, rows, no flouncing off, etc. Everything calm and on an even keel.

That was achieved by proper communication, no secrets, no half truths, and respect for each other.

I was always honest with parents about my feelings, school life, social life, where I was going/who with, boys, etc., which made a massive difference to my relationship with them, as everything was out in the open, all above board, no shocks nor surprises, etc.

We've tried to do exactly the same with our child - not hard as we were together for 10 years before getting pregnant so were used to a calm/quiet home, which our child just slotted into really, just took our lead and behaved as we did. Never had a moment's trouble with him! (Nor with OH, as I got him trained too!)

Respect. Respect for themselves and respect for others around them,
That even at a small age they had the right to have an opinion, to voice that opinion and have it listened to. (Even when tiny and talking gibberish, made up stuff not even relating to our conversation, they deserve to be heard)

Dream big and believe in yourself.

Have fun, laugh...a lot. It makes for a better life.

To be honest with my kids. My parents never lied. In fact, at times I think they overshared (and I do try very hard to not burden DC with anything age inappropriate or anything that would just trouble them unnecessarily) but as far as I know they never lied and I still trust them. If they say something it's true (for them).

To not say no unless there is a good reason..I rarely actually remember them saying no. They weren't neglectful or anything and I never asked for much. Maybe because they were so honest I always knew about our financial situation and didn't ask for stuff but they rarely said no any activities or going out with friends, etc. I remember the few times they did say no I listened especially as a teenager because it was so unusual. And I remember one time telling my friend that I actually think my mum was being unreasonable but I wasn't going to go against her as she says no so rarely. I do say no a lot to my kids but I've made it a habit to take a minute and really think whether I can say yes. So yes is the default unless I have a good reason to say no (which often I do have...I think).

They always made it clear that they loved me. I'm not sure how and I don't actually remember my parents saying they love me but I just always knew. Never doubted it. Still don't.

My parents were pretty good in terms of intent if not always techniques. but I havent taken lots from them as such because my spouse is very different in his temprement/style and my children are different to me too.

I was always listened to and my opinions given proper consideration so I try do the same with my children.

Going on lots of holidays!

I remember having friends who had less money than us (both of my parents worked) who would get much more for Christmas, birthdays etc but my parents put theirs towards experiences. Had some amazing trips, both in the UK and outside and I can remember them so clearly.

Hope we can do the same with our DS.

Very little!

Mine were hot on manners, I suppose there is that!

My amazing mum had a condition that should statistically have ended her life long before she had children. So she was always on ‘borrowed time’, so to speak. She managed to bring me and my sibling up with total love and support but also an independence and maturity that helped a lot when she died when I was in my early teens. I have no health problems at all but I will be proud if I can bring my children up with a similar balance.

"Don't say no if you can say yes"

Not on big things and buying them everything under the sun or only feeding them sweets but if they make small requests which have no real side effects ie another push on the swing, 5 more minutes playing with lego etc then always say yes it makes no difference to adults in the long run but a lot of difference to the child.

Just come across this wonderful thread and resurrecting it!

Sex was never a forbidden or uncomfortable topic at home. Don't get me wrong, boundaries existed and they didn't overshare(!) But there was always an atmosphere of being able to ask anything about sex if we wanted and not being embarrassed about it.

Trust. They trusted my siblings and I not to do anything (too) dumb once we became more independent, and we didn't want to betray that trust. They trusted us and believed in us achieving academically, but didn't put any pressure on us, and we achieved.

Treating us differently but fairly. eg my siblings were all quite sporty and they got a lot of expensive equipment to make that happen. I wasn't so my parents spent money on helping me do the things I loved like pottery classes.

Encouraging independence. I don't remember them making a song and dance about it, but we were encouraged to think and do for ourselves from a young age. Not just chores (although lots of those) but just generally - they put guidelines and boundaries in place and then left us to it. eg, my brother and I were allowed to ply out from quite a young age, but with a very specific area in which we were allowed to play. We never deviated from that as it was ingrained in us from very young. I've applied similar to my DC and so far, so good - DS, for example, calls to tell me if he's changing plans, is always on time to get home if we've given him a curfew etc. Unlike many of his friends who were only allowed out later, but by the time they were, they were very defiant and convinced they "knew" everything.

My dad always encouraged us to be active even if not super sporty. He believed that getting outdoors for a walk or other exercise was vital for physical and mental wellbeing. I have always encouraged my DCs to do the same.

My DM never fixated on her weight, diets or fad eating. She always had spoke about the nutritional benefits of food rather than the calories.

I resonate with a lot of this. Get a little part time job and build some independence and self confidence. Had quite strict curfews and I’d be livid I couldn’t stay out till all hours like my friends but now I fully understand why.

Nothing really. But my circumstances as a parent are quite different to my parents'. I only had one child. Parents had three. I'm an older parent (40+). We were all born by the time my dm was 26. We're financially comfortable. My parents weren't. I don't smack. We don't have routine as such. I insist on manners etc but other than that he generally has a lot more freedom and autonomy than I ever did.

Saying all that, I had a happy childhood and my parents are amazing - even more so as grandparents. We're just very different.

My parents instilled a healthy relationship with food that I'm grateful for as so many women struggle. Healthy tasty food, treats enjoyed in moderation, don't fixate on weight or appearance.

Also, a love of nature and being outdoors. I still marvel at how amazing trees are and then and grateful for my lovely mum.

I always felt worth my parents time, and that they genuinely enjoyed my company. I try to do the same for my dc. It did help my mum was a SAHM though so didn't have as many demands.

I love some of the lovely things written in this thread 😊
Unfortunately, I don’t really have anything that I have continued with my own DC. Physically, I had everything that I needed growing up but I grew up in a home full of fighting, one parent always walking out, no emotional support, and parents who believe it’s “unnatural” to hug your child 😳 they never took any interest in my life at all & wouldn’t even have been able to name my friends.

I really hope one day my DC are able to write something positive about DH and I on a thread like this ❤️

Same here when it comes to my mum.

Lots of love and praise and a high degree of unconditional positive regard but firm and clear boundaries and expectations.

I knew we were the most important people in my mum’s world but that we weren’t the most important people in the world. I knew that I couldn’t always have what I wanted.

Whining never worked.
Nagging never worked.

My dad was always the calm parent and wouldn't ever shout, but I knew when I was in trouble. He was always more approachable and I was always able to talk to him more, still can now, because I knew I wouldn't get the cross shouty parent. My mum is the shouty one, ha. She is lovely and I love her endlessly, but I like to think I've taken more of my DDad's approach to parenting. I'm definitely the more relaxed, 'come and talk to me' parent

I've thought of another, like a pp mum never made food an issue. She refused to have scales in the house and I don't ever recall her making any comments on her body, weight, size etc.

Both my parents have always had my back, even if we've not always got on or not been as close as at other times.

Sheer love and fun and safety

My mum is incredible - an absolute rock with 40 years primary school classroom experience and raised us single-handed.

I borrow pretty much everything from her (badly) but the one thing she says most often is 'never leave till tomorrow what you can do today.'

When the kids are vomming, the floors are sticky, and you're so knackered you can barely keep your eyes open it is hard hard hard to wash bottles, empty the bin or put the wash out, but she isn't wrong. The whole cycle begins again tomorrow and if it gets on top of you it's so harder to reset.

It's still a learning curve though. I haven't become one of the MNetters who wipes round the bath while the kids are in it yet.

I aspire to it though.

Having a sit down family meal every single evening where we chat as a family. We eat in front of the TV about once every two months, as a special film night.

Going for family walks and chatting as we hike.

Taking them to art galleries and theatre; buying them books.

Reading from the very beginning. And not taking in a baby voice- just normal talking to and in front of baby from the very beginning