Play dates? What do you do?

[bumblebee2235]

I'm stuck on what you do in this scenario?

Had a play date with baby and another mum at my house..

Child older around 7 and my baby 4 months and poorly. Child ran around, going through drawers, disappearing into other rooms and going through my things. Mum carried on chatting unaware.. but stressed as I have my medication (codeine and private stuff hidden in my bedside drawer)

Then found child rubbing my babies dummy through dirt, disappearing into kitchen and messing with her medicine and bottles...

Bit stressed as I don't know what I have to sterilise now..

As I was burping baby she then joined in and started hitting baby on me (not hard though) then started making nasty comments (but is a child obvs) then started taking my things, when asked to give them back threw them at me...

I'm a bit stressed out haha can I say anything if it's not my child? Like if the mum is ignoring it, do I just bite my tongue then clean everything when they leave? First time having a sort of play date, it's put me off 😅

Sorry but I’m really confused, were you having a playdate for your baby with a 7YO? Or do you also have an older child and if you do why was the mum there?

My DD is 6 and since she started school playdates are without parents and DD knows that they play in the living room, her room or garden and generally they do their own thing but I might make a suggestion if they’re getting listless e.g. here’s the lego who can build the tallest tower. If necessary I would tell them off collectively if they were doing something they shouldn’t e.g. stay out of my room, go play in your bedroom please.

If it was just the 7 year old and your baby then they must have been bored senseless. Obviously the mum’s fault for not telling them off but it sounds like a recipe for bad behaviour.

They just came over for coffee didn't arrange it..Ah that's ok, didn't know it's normal behaviour for children. Guess my fault for letting them over??

That wasn't what I'd call a playdate.

Playdates are when children of roughly the same age play together and the mums either stay and chat or drop and run when the children are old enough.

What you are describing sounds more like you and the other mum having a coffee and there being nothing for the seven year old to do as the baby is too young to play and you, presumably, don't have any toys or activities suitable for anyone older than four months.

I wouldn't invite them to your house again and, if you want to see your friend, arrange it when the seven year old is at school or meet at soft play or the park.

Yes, the mum should have made more of an effort but it sounds like the child was bored and playing up for attention.

So you just don't have children over? Ok :) guess this is the norm then, they hit swear and steal when bored 😂

That’s not a playdate and as a coffee morning sounds horribly mismatched because yes a 7YO will be bored to tears with no age appropriate toys or a close in age playmate. I don’t think it’s normal behaviour exactly but bored kids can act out so it’s not remotely surprising.

Not your fault though, the mum should have realised it wasn’t going to work. Was she just expecting him to stare at the walls?? Make adult conversation?? If I were her and I wanted to have coffee with you then I would have suggested a time when my child was at school, a park cafe or my house. And obviously she shouldn’t have let him do all that and said nothing! The only thing you could have done maybe was offer to stick a kid’s show on TV. Honestly though she sounds really weird and I probably wouldn’t see her socially again!

I did try tv? I'm more stressed atm anyway things aren't easy, so I wasn't sure what I was allowed to suggest or do as I didn't want to over step mark 😭😭 I tried to involve the child and ask them questions and interact, but the mum would talk over the child and change subject... never experienced this before..

The child came out with a racist comment which was quite intense when they saw a picture on my table so I made a comment to that.. that's when they started pocketing the stuff and throwing it back at me.. so maybe I wound them up? I don't know, I just feel super stressed out now 😭😭😭

You generally have children over to play who are around the same age as your child so they play with the same toys and in the future when they’re older, play with each other. Usually nursery and school classmates.

When you meet up with your friends that’s not a playdate. If kids are dragged along too then their needs should be taken into account. Or else, as you’ve found, they get bored and misbehave. If you’d met in the park you could have had a coffee whilst he ran around the playground. Then it would have been fine. If you’re a first time mum to a 4MO and don’t have much experience with older ones that then you can’t be expected to know this. It’s on the other mum who should have seen this coming a mile off.

@FlounderingFruitcake thank you, haha this new mum thing is crazy! Feel like I have to learn so much straight away, even finding baby groups a minefield 😭😭

@FlounderingFruitcake I'm finding boundaries the hardest to navigate. Like even with other babies how to interact, what to say ect

That is expected behaviour for a child who is bored and not being given boundaries by their parent. Awkward as it’s a new friendship, but I would have found some paper and pens or put the tv on and told the child not to touch things that were in other rooms.

Ahh tv was the only thing I thought off 😭😭 oh my so out of my depth!

To those saying this is normal before for a bored child, no its not. I would be mortified if my 6 year old acted like that! No child should be running around someone's else and trashing it or making racist comments (that goes for everyone not just children).

The other mum sounds horrendous and not a great parent at all. Steer clear OP.

I wouldn’t say that’s expected behaviour for a 7 year old regardless of whether they are bored or not.

I was upset about the comment, it felt personal.. I know I shouldn't get upset by a child.. but they related the picture to an item of Jewellery I wear, which is a gift from someone I love dearly. After the racist comment they mumbled and said disgusting with their nose turned up :( I did feel quite stung 😅 so I did retort and said what came out their mouth was more disgusting 😬 hence the strop... not sure if I should of stayed quiet but not been in this scenario before..

The child behaved appallingly, as did the child' mother in not making any effort to stop them. That's not normal or acceptable.

But that's not a play date. A play date is a same age child coming round to play with your child (which isn't really a thing with babies anyway). This was you meeting up with another adult when you both happened to have children. You woud be better meeting up at soft play or a playground so the child has something to do. Or just meet the mum when her child is at school?

I have friends with younger children and we'd often meet up, my DS is 4 and we recently went to my friends house who has a baby. I packed toys and activities for my DS to keep him occupied, at no point would I allow him to wander around another person's house on his own especially the bedrooms.

This does not sound normal on the part of the mother, the child was likely bored and given no boundaries. Please don't let this put you off as catch ups with friends is so important while you're on your own with a baby. Next time suggest their home or a park as the child will be a lot more entertained

Absolutely unacceptable behaviour. Perfectly OK to ask the child to stop.

The 7 year old does sound challenging OP. Personally I'd have mentioned to the mum (made a suggestion e.g. "does DC want to go in the garden/sorry I don't have any toys for your DC should I put TV on".
Some people on here are nuts for saying you should have entertained the DC 😂 I imagine you were grateful for some adult company and didn't bank on their DC wrecking your house!!!

Also OP, someone who ignores their child coming out with a racist comment that's upset you is clearly not a great friend.

It was on the other mum to ensure that her child behaved properly in someone else's house. This was her failing, not yours. Presumably she knew you just have a baby so she should have brought things for her 7yo to do.
If you're in a similar situation again, worth saying "we only have toys appropriate for DC's age" ahead of time to send a clear signal that other parents need to entertain their kids. But I wouldn't be having them round again!

If I’m taking my 4 year old to see a baby I take some of his stuff with me to keep him busy, and when I can tell he’s getting bored we leave. He would not be allowed upstairs in someone else’s house, or to behave in any way that you describe in your OP.

Play dates are generally with children of similar ages so the parents can catch up while the kids play. That’s much less stressful 😂

I'm completely confused as to the relationship here

Obviously, that's not a play date setting aside that is a term I can't stand.

Who is the woman that you invited over?
Is it someone you've met somewhere and wanted to get to know ?
Or a friend from somewhere else ?

Either way, when anyone is in your home, you can put boundaries in place ..... "No, we are staying in this room" "Er, come away from there - you can't go looking through drawers in someone else's house" etc.

Ultimately, if the parent arrives with a child and there are no boundaries being put in place, you can stand up and say "This isn't working, I think you need to go now".... or, if you want to "It would probably be easier to meet at yours, where she has her own things to play with" or "This isn't working, lets leave the kids with their Dads next time and go out for a drink, just the 2 of us" or whatever.

It's a good idea to have something available for the older kid to play with, so if you have an outdoor space you could let them run about, suggest that the mum brings a ball or some bubbles or something with them.

If it's an indoor day, find a film or kids show for them to watch, set them up at the kitchen table with a pack of biscuits or fairy cakes and some ready to use icing so they can decorate them.

If it's going to be a regular thing then it might even be worth getting a small selection of second hand toys you can pull out for the occasion, your child will eventually grow into them too. Stuff like Lego, colouring book, plain paper, coloured pencils.

Left to their own devices with no toys most kids will get bored within a couple of minutes, at which point they will start finding ways to occupy themselves and they have very few boundaries so don't see a drawer as off limits.

@bumblebee2235 Just to be clear, this is not normal or acceptable behaviour for a 7 year old. No matter how bored. And it's not normal or acceptable behaviour for a 7 year old's mother either!

This will sound stupid... but I feel insecure now 😂 I'm normally proud.. but I feel that if a child hates me for it and they have no filter... is this what the adults around me really think when they see me 😂😂 haha I can't believe I'm so upset over a child.