My phone takes so much of my attention from my kids

[mamoftwolittles]

I just read my screen time is 12 hours a day. I know some of them are the wee hours where I'm breastfeeding but I can't use that excuse for all of them. It's fucking terrible, isn't it? I have a four year old and a small baby. I've noticed my four year old says "mummy you've forgot your phone" if I leave the room without it. I feel like all they see is me with in my hand, aimlessly scrolling. I have decided so many times that enough is enough and I put it out the way and play with my eldest, but I find myself thinking about it, my hand unconsciously reaching for it, it's so insane to me how I've got here? Even when I put it away I still don't feel like I'm properly present with my kids, because I'm just thinking "don't pick it up, don't pick it up" I don't want my kids to think my phone and me are a two part set or that it's more important/interesting than them. How do you actually stop this? I always think of selling my iPhone and getting a really basic phone just for calls but it's just not feasible when I speak to everyone on WhatsApp, the school has an app, I want to take photos.. but I can't trust myself to use it sensibly. This is my children's childhoods and I'm spending it aimlessly scrolling

I relate to this so much! I am truly addicted.
No advice really, hopefully someone else will come along with some for us.

What do you do on it? Play games? Forums like this? Try deleting the apps. Then think 'from school pick up to kids bedtime no looking at phone' (perhaps just once to see if any important texts but then put it away again). Tell your partner that you will not be contactable. Turn your phone off.
Do not have your phone with you at meal times either.
It's just a matter of breaking the habit.

The fact that you recognize it is really important, and positive. Having your phone in your hand, mindlessly scrolling, is a habit. It also gives us immediate, constant stimuli, so hugely addictive. No judgement here at all, apps are built to suck you in and keep you scrolling. It also has a massive impact on our overall ability to concentrate, which is what has motivated me to change my habits.

A few things that have worked for me - set specific times when I'm allowed to look at my phone, and for how long. Leave my phone upstairs when I come down in a morning. Leave it in a drawer, out of sight. You've basically got to break the habit of it being in your hand, which will be hard and take time. Totally worth working at thought - I've started making small improvements, I have a way to go but it's already making me feel better.

Maybe have a think about your child, as a adult, posting on MN.

Was this a form of child neglect....Mum on phone all day and pretty much ignored us 😉

Buy a basic phone and go cold turkey. Tell your contacts why.

It's liberating getting off it, I often just switch mine off. I'm also not active on any mainstream social media or get any active updates from anything.

With the iPhone you have a whole host of options to manage what my (Android) phone calls 'Digital Wellbeing'. On my iPad I have set a Downtime schedule, and this stops me from being able to access anything except the Kindle app after 10pm. I haven't used them, but I can see there are also App Limits (so how many minutes in total you can use them each day) and Focus modes, info on that here: https://support.apple.com/en-gb/HT212608

You can set schedules so you have breaks in the day when you can access more of the apps, and set up exceptions although you would think if anything was truly urgent the person would ring.

No need to go to the extreme of selling the phone, it has lots of features to help you achieve this - clearly because it's a recognised problem. You are not alone!

Also you’re setting the model for when your kids have phones. So have rules that you will want them to follow - and start sticking to them yourself now. Like no devices at the table. Phones off by whatever time and left outside the bedroom. Screen time, if that helps.

Ugh I need to stop too. Its so addictive. I'm not on social media but my "mindless scrolling" is on YouTube, certain click baity news websites & I go through MN binges where I get sucked into replying to threads and then seeing what's on active threads.
I have noticed mine seems to correlate with low energy levels it's just an instant stimuli thing as pp said, our brains are just craving that dopamine fix. And on that note, no more phone for my today I'm picking up a book 😂.

Maybe we need a support group Internet addicts anonymous

The iPhone block controls are shit, at least on my model. Too easy to disable! 12 hours is impressive op, even my cousin as an out of work gen z-er only managed nine 😂

I’m pretty hopeless too, so I use a dumb phone mostly. Right now I’m on the iPhone as I’m working up the mettle to go back on OLD, in the end I know it’s the screen time that’ll probably push me ahead more than the desire for a boyfriend! Absolutely rec a dumb phone and a laptop for banking etc - if you’ve got a partner he can have any necessary apps on his device!

Part of it will be the dopamine hit when you see that you have had likes on social media or a response to a post on a forum or just a notification on an app.

It will help if you turn off notifications on email, what’s app and text and only check these at set times. You can also use some screen time limiting settings to break the habit of mindlessly scrolling during the day.

https://speechify.com/blog/how-to-block-apps-at-certain-times-on-my-iphone/?landing_url=https%3A%2F%2Fspeechify.com%2Fblog%2Fhow-to-block-apps-at-certain-times-on-my-iphone%2F

Delete all the apps and just use it as a phone.

Reading this has made me feel better, I thought I was the only one. I feel so rubbish about it. My twins have got another year before school and I'm determined to be more present while I have this time with them.

This seems like it wouldn't work but I got a smart watch, so now I can see any calls or WhatsApps that come through without actually lifting my phone. I can leave my phone in a kitchen cupboard or at the bottom of the bag without kidding myself that I need it in case I miss an important call.

Read the book "how to break up with your phone". I can't recommend it highly enough.

Well done for recognising there is a problem. Try setting times when you are are/are not allowed to look at it. I have a pretty strict rule that I don’t use mine in front of my kids unless it’s an essential phone call or maps. I still spend evenings mindlessly scrolling but obviously that’s less terrible for my kids. Other people set particular times of day. If you can’t stick to rules like this you have to go cold turkey. Get a brick phone and accept that it will be inconvenient (tell your friends to text you!) and that you might experience a sort of withdrawal. We get hooked on the stimulation to you have to get used to your brain in its unstimulated state again.

I relate to this, and it was DD saying “put your phone down mummy” that helped me stop. (I’m on it now but I’m breastfeeding a baby whose eyes are closed so I’m allowed.)

Delete anything fun off it. Add the app Forest, where you plant a virtual tree and it dies if you pick your phone up during a set time – surprisingly effective. Also the app One Second (think it’s called that) which does similar but also yells at you like “this is the 19th time you’ve opened Instagram today!” Ban phones at meals – DP is a shocker for this, claims he’s doing life admin but do it in your own time, sunshine. Plug it in to charge somewhere inaccessible. Takes 21 days to form a good habit.

I've got an Apple watch that records your sleep patterns so you set a bedtime and it puts your watch and phone into sleep mode from 45 minutes before then - it's actually a really good preventative measure because it makes you think twice when you're unlocking, like the DND feature when in a moving vehicle.

Can you give yourself time when your phone is “allowed?” That’s what we do here. From after work/school pick up to 8 year old bed time is screen free for everyone including DH and I - we cook tea/facilitate hobbies and clubs/walk dog/play board games/do Lego/read/supervise bath and bed time. Then from 8:30 onwards we can scroll if we choose to!

@GloomySkies I've toyed with the idea of a smart watch for AGES especially for tracking steps but was worried it would make me more addicted but your post makes sense! Sometimes the counter intuitive things work. I may rethink this. As like you say just the mere act of picking up my phone can send me down a rabbit hole.

@ManchesterGirl2 I'm going to look at this too!! :D

@ManchesterGirl2 just downloaded this- ironically going to read it on my phone haha :D

I have the Stay Focused app. The free version allows you to block apps or individual websites. I have mine on a wait timer, so every 20 minutes I spend on Mumsnet I have to then wait 30 minutes before I can use it again. You can customise the message that appears when you've reached the limit, so I like to post emotive things about spending time with my family or how much they'd like to spend time with me without my phone. I've found it really helps.

I also put on sleep mode every night between 9:30pm and 7am. The screen goes to grey scale. That helps too.

I am bad too and I find the more I scroll the more I think about it / want to.

Some things I have done:
Go down in the mornings without it
I have changed settings so I can turn it to black and white (apparently reduces dopamine hit)
Delete social media apps

Listen to this podcast:

open.spotify.com/episode/4mSHiP7FkhXcm2P5PS08T2?si=iYTMYDeWQAy3AWp53MqhgA

Another recommendation for How to Break up with your phone by Catherine Price, really easy to read with practical advice.

I rely on app blockers that either allow me to set time limits (eg 30 mins on instagram then blocked until tomorrow) or focus time (blocks app between certain times so I can read as much as I want during night feeds with baby but apps are blocked when my kids are awake during the day).

It's not your fault, phones are designed to be addictive, there was a great article by Tristan Harris about how all the social media companies were using psychology to turn people into addicts.

Delete all social media apps and anything you spend a significant amount of time on. They are designed to hook you in and keep you there and it is sad for your DC that they do not get more of you. Do not keep your phone beside your bed so that you are not tempt to look at it during the night. Tell your friends and family to contact you via phone or text if the want to get hold of you.

It's expensive but I have also found that an Apple Watch reduces my screen time. It is limited in what it does so you don't get sucked in, but can check a message that comes in. So if it buzzes I can look, see that I don't need to reply, and then go back to what I was doing without needing to pick up my phone. If I pick up my phone I'm more likely to then get distracted after looking at the initial message.