My phone takes so much of my attention from my kids

[mamoftwolittles]

I just read my screen time is 12 hours a day. I know some of them are the wee hours where I'm breastfeeding but I can't use that excuse for all of them. It's fucking terrible, isn't it? I have a four year old and a small baby. I've noticed my four year old says "mummy you've forgot your phone" if I leave the room without it. I feel like all they see is me with in my hand, aimlessly scrolling. I have decided so many times that enough is enough and I put it out the way and play with my eldest, but I find myself thinking about it, my hand unconsciously reaching for it, it's so insane to me how I've got here? Even when I put it away I still don't feel like I'm properly present with my kids, because I'm just thinking "don't pick it up, don't pick it up" I don't want my kids to think my phone and me are a two part set or that it's more important/interesting than them. How do you actually stop this? I always think of selling my iPhone and getting a really basic phone just for calls but it's just not feasible when I speak to everyone on WhatsApp, the school has an app, I want to take photos.. but I can't trust myself to use it sensibly. This is my children's childhoods and I'm spending it aimlessly scrolling

I was like this. I go through phases. But it directly impacts my mental health so i had to take action.

The first thing I did was leave all the FB groups that were utterly pointless...(You know, the local groups where everyone is complaining of dog poo and bad parking!) We have 4 of these groups for our city and 2 for the nearby suburb.

I honestly don't need to read stuff like "where is the Evri driver?" 😂

Next up, I randomly completely deleted Instagram. I deleted ALL data so not just deactivate but a full on deletion. I haven't missed it once and yet, I was fully absorbed by it!

I deleted Twitter as I ended up doom scrolling and it was ridiculous.

I've removed problematic people on FB. The ones who share missing dog posts from about 800 miles away! It was usually ex colleagues from a decade ago just filling my FB feed with nonsense .

I'm doing better now.... my usage has gone right down (although its gone back up due to job hunting desperately!!)

Glad you've noticed.
I'm saddened by the seemingly endless prams passing my front door with the parents glued to their phones, instead of interacting with their child or baby.

My kid faces forward in the pram, it’s ideal time for a catch-up with my phone. The problem is putting the phone down the rest of the time.

Getting an ordinary wristwatch helped me (so I can look at the time on my wrist to figure out nap and snack timings, rather than needing my phone). Also when not needing something to keep me awake during night feeds, an old-school alarm clock by the bed for getting up, and charging my phone in my home office instead. It’s a rare day I’ve actually needed my phone prior to leaving the house on the nursery run (once during pandemic when nursery sent a ratio alert and said they’d close doors soon, first come first served – parents were racing down the road in pyjamas with kids still in night nappies or covered in cereal), and I probably don’t even need it then – randomly I did need to call 999 on the way back from nursery the other morning so glad I had it, but 99.9% of the time I don’t need it at my side.

I suppose the thing of small children is it can be quite lonely – on maternity leave or staying home with them for a while, and phones offer a community, a lifeline to the outside world when you’re covered in yoghurt and last slept in 1809.

Playing with young children can be a bit lonely and boring, much as you love them they don't have much conversation, and I think this is where you will start to want a distraction if you are trying to reduce your phone usage. Try doing things to give you that bit of interest but still allow you to be more present with the children, such as having some music on. Maybe a puzzle you can dip in and out of.

Perhaps try going for a walk without your phone to show to yourself you can do something without it.
You could try putting it somewhere inconvenient for you to get to.
Perhaps give yourself time limits e.g only use your phone 9-11pm.

What do you need your phone for?
You mentioned WhatsApp. Can you allocate a time to check once a dayy.
You mentioned camera. could you buy a cheap camera?

12 hours 😳 wow!!! I think you should start off by deleting all the apps that are taking up that much of your time. And like the other commenters have said... put it in a cupboard and only take it out at certain times of the day

I get so bored "playing"with my kids (sorry, but it's true!). I do crochet or something else with my hands which keeps me entertained but feels a lot better than being on my phone and I'm way more aware of the kids. Hope this helps!

It can help to turn it to grey scale - those pretty bright colours are chosen to be stimulating. Black and white isn’t as interesting.

You’ll have to google how to change the settings as they deliberately make it hard.

I struggle with mine too. I’d happily get a dumb phone but I need WhatsApp for the school groups and google maps to get around.

I got my DC to make a phone jail (shoe box with pipe cleaners on the front) where my phone goes. I can hear it ring but otherwise it stays there when they're with me. It took a few weeks to get used to.

The Bari Weiss podcast Honestly, with Johann Hari is a good listen on this. He suggests a "phone jail" to physically lock the phone away.
Try to read more - get a Kindle.
And don't beat yourself up too much, back in the day my parents spent hours reading the papers and ignoring us!

Yeah I agree with this. A lot of parenting can be quite boring and you end up wanting to fill that time, maybe try replacing it with something like a puzzle book - something you feel might be a more positive influence for your DC to witness.

I can empathise OP, I think I cling to my phone a bit when I'm feeling really tired because it just keeps my brain occupied so I don't droop. It's a hard one to crack.

This won't suit everyone but I'm throwing it out there because it helped me break (some of) my addiction. I took out a pool membership and started taking DS there 5 times a week. With walking there, changing after and snack in the hotel then walking back it usually meant a good 2 hours if not longer of completely screen free time. And it was very easy because obviously you can't scroll and swim. It just seemed to help break the habit itself a bit as I was easily getting used to periods of time without my phone in reach.

I deleted all my apps. So you tube, insta, Facebook, all the social media apps. And then asked my husband to put a blocker on for those websites so I can't access fb on google for example. (and only he has the password for unblocking it.)
So now I can only access those on my computer. This helps a lot because now when I reach for my phone, there's nothing to scroll through.
And now I only have my phone for Google maps and WhatsApp and calls. And now I genuinely feel I could cope with a brick phone and a good camera. Phise are designed to such you in.
Really take off the apps.

We didn't have smart phones when mine was tiny and I'm so glad. But life with kids is verrry dull! It's bound to make any distraction engaging. I do think putting limits on for yourself would be good, and leaving it in another room. Can you imagine you're in a documentary about good parenting/ focusing on your child?

Does anyone know how to set a time restriction for certain websites? E.g 1 hour a day on BBC (just an example)

I don't think you can do that on phones.

I use the Stay Focused app. I think some phones do have this feature (look under Digital Wellbeing or similar in settings) but my Samsung doesn't. So I use the app and use the wait timer so every 20 mins of use on certain apps or websites I can't then use that again for 30 minutes.