Deciding on a 2nd child - positives we haven't thought of?

[serialplanner]

A caveat of understanding that we might not be fortunate enough to have a second child and that we are very grateful for our energetic, healthy 2yo girl but...

We are both so logical. It is hard to choose newborn sleep, nursery fees, annoying bedtimes and separation anxiety all over again.

Our daughter is everything and we really appreciate the joy of watching someone grow up that we didn't even expect when we tried to have a child. Yes, it's intense but hilarious and rewarding. I love when she discovers a new word or tried to use a sentence she doesn't understand or does something kind etc.

What is this like with 2 children?

All we hear are the negatives of playing referee, extra costs, it's so chaotic etc.

Where is the joy? When they help eachother? When they grow up and might be pals?

I'm grateful for any replies xxx

See I absolutely adore my DD, she is the most important person in the world to me and I want to give her everything I can too but that won’t include an otherwise unwanted human being who may or may not be a positive impact on her. If you wanted another child anyway then great, but as someone who really doesn’t it would be a pretty horrible thing to do to have another child I don’t want as a gift for my DD.

I think the main advantages of having 2 or more children are companionship and the lower chance of creating a spoilt brat.

Oh there's always one.

I loved having a 2nd one - helped he was a much easier baby than no 1 - we ended up with 4 year gap which was great - they do get on although quite different personalities -

I have no advice but I could have written this myself DD is 2.5 absolute ray of sunshine but firmly a mummy’s girl and in terrible twos, she is sassy and wonderful but I do worry if we went for another that it would ruin the relationship we have and that she will react badly at no longer being an only, then again I just feel like I am not one and done and that she potentially could have a forever friend (not guaranteed I know) none of which is helpful to your original question but just know you are not alone in this back and forth!! I hope you come to a decision you are happy with 💛

Two big things for me

• my dc are just over 2 years between them and play together all the time they learn to share and care.
• I'm primary school teacher can spot an only child a mile off- not for good reasons- sorry I know controversial but we often give that as an excuse for some behaviour.

There are 3.5 years between my two and they have the most special relationship. They simply adore each other.

They hate being apart and are always saying they are each others best friend. My eldest one always goes to tuck the youngest one in at night and gives him a kiss and cuddle ❤️

Whenever we sit in the living room, even though we have two double sofas and two single couches, they still squeeze themselves onto one of the single couches because they don’t want to sit apart from each other.

At the moment they are begging me for bunk beds so they can share a room! I have said absolutely no chance because they’d spend all night talking!!

They just want to do everything together and be together all the time ❤️

Watching their relationship develop had been so special, I can’t even put into words what it’s like to see the two people you love most in the world love each other just as much. It’s the biggest cliche known to man but I feel like my heart could burst with love when I see how caring, loving and kind they are to each other. A positive sibling relationship can be a very, very special thing.

I think if you decide not to have a second that is fine as you will know no difference but from my perspective we couldn't imagine our family without second son! The joy the kids got from playing together when they were small was so wonderful to see and now that they are older they are great friends and only occasionally fight and very tame fights at that! Also I hated the first year with my first but loved it with my second, I didn't sweat the small stuff even the lack of sleep as I knew eventually it would pass ( and the first year flew by as I was so busy with work and 2 kids) 3 year gap for us

4 years between my two (8 and 4). They're great friends, my eldest spends hours playing make believe games still with the youngest which keeps them off screens and I feel has extended her childhood, not sure if it makes the younger one more grown up too but nevertheless they play a lot. As parents we do a lot less with my youngest as a result. This isn't a bad thing as he gets so much more from his sibling than me trying not to look bored holding up dollies. Eldest also can be trusted to keep a vague eye on him if we are wfh. Eldest reads stories to the youngest and they have lots of similar interests. They are very close and I'm so pleased as my brother and I (with the same gap) aren't particularly close and I don't remember playing with him as a child.

you enjoy having a baby. the first you're so over whelmed.

This is my experience too, so far. I have a six month old and a six year old. I had posted the same question on here previously OP but under a different name and approx 3 years ago. The six year age gap was not intentional but so far has been amazing. I have no doubt my eldest would've been a well rounded only, I was an only child and I never had any complaints of being selfish or the other assumptions. He has absolutely relished the new big brother role though and as a previous poster said, I think it'll give him an outlet to continue playing as a child longer than he would've without his baby sister.

I have loved having two. They adore each other and my eldest really took to being a ‘big brother.’ It has also helped us to teach our boys skills such as sharing, apologising, forgiving, understanding others point of view etc. Of course you can do this with one and these things might come very naturally to your DD but for us it has been one of the joys of having two.

I have 2 , 16 months apart it is double the work a lot of that being hard but I haven't regretted it once

My 2 together are wonderful. 2 years between them, they have an amazing bond (and fight loads too).

It gives you all the emotions at times… this week the little one held his big sister’s hand to go into new school nursery with a huge smile on his face. He adores her.

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to comment on this thread. Several months later we are warming up to trying later this year. With childcare hours, conquering things like potty training means we can see the other side. We are just not "two under two" people and we are starting to realise that is okay. Our daughter will probably be at school if we are lucky enough to have another child.

Just for anyone reading the thread xxx

A reason for me was watching the fall out of two events.

1. a friend died tragically in his early 20s. Like any parents, his parents had bound up hopes/expectations and all that future happiness in their only child and watching the effect on them with no other outlet was truly awful. All eggs in one basket comes to mind (and that could be as simple as eventually hoping for grandchildren…I know there are never any guarantees but…)
2. watching my lovely DBIL deal, completely alone, with his DDad’s long term illness and death. My DSis and I did not get on at all as DC but I know we’ll be a team when we face into that kind of thing.

Neither are the wonderful things that two DC bring but I fear both scenarios are possible.

Seeing them interact is still a huge source of joy to me, and they are in their 20s. I am SOO proud of the work we put into building their relationship.

@serialplanner thank you for updating ❤️❤️ I'm in a similar boat, I've always wanted a second but I've been so overwhelmed since I had my first (2 years ago!!) that I've been doubting whether or not it's a good idea for us as a family... Id happily wait til the first one is 5 if I could but I'm 37 and had 2 miscarriages before my first so time is a ticking... If you see this I'm curios how you're getting on now?? My sense is that most people who are 'on the fence' end up doing it because you sort of know you'll always regret not .. but truthfully, we might just all be happier if we don't because it's sooo hard and I just haven't coped v well at times :( xx

I gave birth yesterday!

A bigger gap was the answer for us.

I'm so clear this is our last so being on the fence was an answer.

My eldest is 4. I can help with school. Not have a nursery bill on mat leave etc.

Sorry it has been so hard. It's a wild ride. I have found 3.5 onwards still a ride but more language, reasoning, can do more for themselves like the toilet and dressing.

Maybe review it every 6 months because I know the decision can be a burden. Alllll the best xxx

@serialplanner omg congratulations!! As if that's the day I find your message!! That's brilliant, and hey you're officially done with pregnancy forever, the joy!!

The bigger age gap is definitely right for us too, but to get my son to 4 I'd have to be 39 when we have our second and as someone who had 2 miscarriages at 33 that just seems a bit mad... The fertility advice to me was to try again when the first one was a year old but I could not fathom it, so waited til 2 and I'm still a no... I feel like I'm gambling with the option the longer I wait. Yeah the decision is a burden isn't it, so far I've been deciding generally yes but in 6 months which mostly works til I get to that 6 month mark or have a terrible parenting week where I think no, never again.

Lots of parents I know say 4 is a game changer so hopefully you've nailed the age gap and it's gonna be easier than you think... Thanks for coming back to me and good luck with newborn round 2!! It's got to be better right?! Right....?!!

Seeing your children react with each other as they grow up is the the most joyful thing in the world. You have to put a bit of effort into building the relationship but it’s soooooooo worth it.

I mean it is literally early days, but so far the whole experience is so much better than last time. The birth, recovery and the baby.

The baby bit is much less shocking this time.

It is challenging managing how our eldest feels about things but each day seems to bring some good development. 4 years is good in terms of communication but full nursery hours (8-6pm) for longer would be good so before school has a pro. Also, if she still napped that would have been great for one of us to have a nap with her.

I don't want to be in your uterus but it sounds like you should go for it. 9 months is a lot of time for development for your first plus your worry re age etc.

Will there be tough days, annoying bedtimes and meltdowns - yes. But I think that second timer perspective really helps. When my eldest met the baby the moment was the most special.

Happy to answer more qs/thoughts xxx

Can't wait x