Deciding on a 2nd child - positives we haven't thought of?

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A caveat of understanding that we might not be fortunate enough to have a second child and that we are very grateful for our energetic, healthy 2yo girl but...

We are both so logical. It is hard to choose newborn sleep, nursery fees, annoying bedtimes and separation anxiety all over again.

Our daughter is everything and we really appreciate the joy of watching someone grow up that we didn't even expect when we tried to have a child. Yes, it's intense but hilarious and rewarding. I love when she discovers a new word or tried to use a sentence she doesn't understand or does something kind etc.

What is this like with 2 children?

All we hear are the negatives of playing referee, extra costs, it's so chaotic etc.

Where is the joy? When they help eachother? When they grow up and might be pals?

I'm grateful for any replies xxx

It only gets easier if they get on though, yes it's absolutely a wonderful perk if they are friends, but the fact they may not be is the reason you must think about having a second on their own merit, not for what they may bring to the eldest.

To be honest I’ve never met a pair of young siblings that refuse to play with eachother- they may have different likes, they will bicker but take them on holiday, take them to a relatives house they have eachother.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers you can't speak for every house and for what for goes on behind closed doors (especially as they get older), mine can play at a park together but that isn't what happens at home. You only need to look on the relationship boards to see not all sibling relationships are rosy.

2.5 years gap here.
The single best part of parenting has been watching my DC interact and grow up together. Now 20 and 18.

I’m one step further down the path than you OP - i’m pregnant with my second, but firmly in denial as I found the baby stage really difficult (very screamy colicky 1st baby) and I just don’t want to think about going back there again.

My DS is 2 and life has got so much easier, he sleeps, he doesn’t cry all day, he’s fun and nice to spend time with.

My thinking is that although I’m not really looking forward to having a baby and a toddler, I do want two children and thats an unavoidable stage. I’m told that the second baby just slots in… 🤞

Sorry my post wasn’t very positive was it.
My positive is that it’s so lovely to see my DS adoring his cousins, which makes me think that it will be even more lovely to see him adoring a sibling.

These replies have given me goosebumps and made me teary. Thank you so much. These perspectives are so incredibly helpful and I appreciate the honest and realistic ones too.

Happy to hear anymore.

Sending love to those grieving, thinking about more children, waiting for them to arrive and managing busy family homes xxx

My reasons for: the first days, when the little one runs home from nursery to see ‘their’ baby. When they hold them and are so proud of their little sibling and laugh because the baby is so cute. When the baby’s first word is their sibling’s name. When the little one clambers out of their cot in the morning and runs right past you to go and see the bigger one, and follows them around amazed by their skills. When you hear the little one ask the bigger one what things mean, with absolute trust they know the answer. On rainy days when they’re stuck indoors and you hear them upstairs laughing. As older kids, when things go wrong for one of them and the other is on their side. When the big one offers their sage learnings to little one about how the world works. When they comfort one another. It’s my favourite thing about having children, those days when they are a little team, and the best part of parenthood. To be fair, they do bicker a lot, but they’re nearly four years apart in age, that might be less so with a smaller gap, but I don’t know. Also, my siblings are my best friends, my advisors, where I turn in times of trouble, and I hope for that for them.

Well none of us can talk in absolutes- and I’m not talking about older siblings when children have their owns friends and interests- but under 10yrs old, I think only children parents have a lot more guilt and a lot more pressure trying to never leave their child alone, filling their half terms and having to arrange play date after play date.

I wouldn't disrupt your routine, why would you put yourself through sleep deprivation, nursery fees, pregnancy hell etc if you have a great life now?

Plus it’s far better for the planet and your finances to stick to just your first.

Having my second brought out this whole new wonderful side to my eldest. He is always looking out for his younger sibling and even as a little baby he'd talk to her earnestly and honestly like one of his peers assuming she understood every word he said.

A particular favourite was when he carefully explained baby vaccinations to her before she went to the doctors around 3 months.

I love watching them play together. They are very close and loving, lots of cuddles and being silly. I try and play with them but I find it hard to play silly like a young kid does.

I love in the morning when they both come in and i have one under each arm giving me squishy cuddles at the same time.

There's nothing so lovely as watching your kids play together and have a relationship that doesn't include you.

My two are 14 and 12 now and there's a whole world of stuff that's between them that DH and I know nothing of.

Plus - if you only have one, they want your attention all the time!

This
Mine are 11 and 14

It gives them a companion, a comrade. They bicker and collaborate, they fall out, make friends, hate and love each other in equal measure and sometimes just rub along complacently. They are learning to respects their differences and appreciate their similarities. They buoy and boost each other.

They also give me a break from full on focussing on them!

Set against that, no question that it is chaos and tumult in the early years with toddler and baby. You just have to roll with it.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers utter BS, plenty of only child parents are happy, no need to project. Even if that were true, that is not an acceptable reason to have a child, have a child because you want one, not solely as a playmate for the eldest.

My DC is still small but I definitely want another, with around a 2 year age gap.

I know lots of people have said wanting a sibling for your child is not a good reason, but I strongly disagree. My sibling and I are two years apart and I reminisce about all the fun we had together in the school holidays, at Christmas, on trips. There are plenty of occasions where another child makes everything more fun, and that would be hard to arrange for an only. Yes we fought a lot but fighting with a sibling is so different, and probably quite healthy, nightmare for the parents of course! As adults my sibling is one of my most important people.

Of course I want and would love my second child for themselves, but having children is never an altruistic choice, we have them because we want them, there are no good reasons!

Yes they may properly fall out as adults, but I think having two and hoping they'll be future friends makes more sense than choosing to have one in case they hate each other. Their adult relationship can be as close or distant as they choose, but they can't magic themself up somebody with a shared history and lifelong relationship.

We decided on DC2 because we had a financial change of circumstances which meant I could stop work, and DC1 would eventually be dealing with a substantial inheritance anf life admin, and it was better to be dealing with that with a sibling in the same position. And we moved to a bigger house and we didn't want to be rattling around there with just three of us.

We have an age gap of 4 years and DC1 is just 1 now, so we still play intensively with DC1 and we enjoy that - we don't see it as a chore to escape from. But we're looking forward to more joint family games when DC2 is older. I've loved having proper baby time with DC2 when DC1 is at school - I love all that stuff like sensory, music classes and swimming and it was wonderful to do it all again. I would have been sad not to be able to do it with a smaller gap. I've not had to deal with much conflict between them yet as DC1 goes to activity camps during school holidays (her choice, not for childcare) and DH is around a lot so we mostly tag team.

We're quite introverted people and we don't like play dates or joint trips or holidays with other families, so in a way having a sibling was a better option for us than intensively trying to nurture friendships with other families, that most parents of only children have to do.

I have no contact with my siblings and DH has a sibling who lives abroad and rarely sees, so we're aware adult relationships between siblings might not work out.

We were also like you and debated it for a long time. I am now almost 20 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Our daughter (3) is so so excited for the baby. Kisses my stomach, tells me she loves the baby, she will play with the baby, help me with the baby etc. This might all change when the baby arrives but already it's been so lovely to share this with her x

@OnlyFoolsnMothers do you actually have experience of a bigger age gap? Seems like you’re projecting.

It’s very common to have small age gaps but not necessarily the right way to do things.

WHO guidance is to wait two years before getting pregnant again. Not sure why so many people ignore that.

Anyway, you’ve lots of good reasons given here OP. I can add one, my eldest is incredibly proud of her younger sibling. Will make sure youngest is included in everything and seen by everyone. It has given another dimension to her life, she has another person to care for, be kind to, boss around, learn not to boss around. As for the family unit, youngest has brought a whole other energy and level of fun and now that I see it I feel it was missing! (Although that probably makes no sense!)
It’s a roll of the dice though. The reasons above perhaps could manifest in other ways if we had ended up as a single child family. As another PP said, we wanted another child for ourselves and that was the deciding factor.

If you’re unsure right now can I just put a good word in for a slightly larger age gap? I have 4.5 years between my two (who are now 2 and 6) and they are as thick as thieves. Different sexes, like different toys, like different TV shows (in the main) but they love to be together and play together. It mostly involved emptying out my youngest’s ballpit in the living room while laughing their heads off. There’s some bickering like others have said but mostly just joy.

Things are never easy with kids but I do think things feel much easier after 3 or 4.

Im just about to have my second (will have one of each) and I feel like I’m suddenly getting cold feet 🙈 I’m so excited but also feel such guilt that I wasn’t expecting to feel about my child having to share me with someone else forever. I think learning to share etc will be good and hopefully they will play together eventually. I’m not actually dreading the newborn bit that much as my first was such a good sleeper (just praying I get another the same). It’s more just the logistics of 2 and even things like not being able to go for dinner again for a while. I’ve kind of forgot how easy my toddler is now, you can leave the house with hardly anything in a bag and he will eat whatever while you’re out.. a baby will be back to square one again

For me the utter joy/highlights between two are

Seeing them interact right from the youngest being newborn, more and more as the youngest learns to speak and walk and wants to be just like big brother.
Watching their bond grow
Handing down clothes, toys, blankets - feels like getting more value from those things and the joy of being able to use those tiny things again that I loved
Comparing photos, videos, oh he was like that but he was like this! Very cute and entertaining.
Just going through it again with a bit more confidence
Having that confidence shattered because they are all different ok sounds bad but-
Realising that it doesn't have to be so intense, because a lot is due to personality not parenting.
You can buy them matching outfits
Just in general love the feeling of having a little crowd.

I just remember with my first I loved him so much I wanted to give him everything I possibly could in life. The first thing being a sibling.

There’s a 3 year age gap and seeing them laugh together, play together and loyally defend each other makes up for the bickering.

I completely agree with so much of this, I did not enjoy the baby days either time round (I went back to work really early the second time round) but the second time round you know that whatever you encounter, it's just a phase and will pass.

Now mine are 8 and 6 and adore each other, they never worry about going to holiday club somewhere new as they have each other, they play together every day and I would have gone insane during COVID with just 1. Interestingly I do find this more with same sex siblings than opposite sex

Children under 10 can be left alone to play. My 1 year old can play alone whilst I read a book for up to 30 minutes with her kitchen or dolls if she’s in the mood. From about 6 I could play alone for hours with my puppy in my pockets, lego, drawing, reading, crafts, at 9 I wrote a “book” and made a documentary about my cats (both are rubbish of course!) I had a sibling but big age gap. As for filling school holidays I want to spend a lot of time with my child, I enjoy day trips and seeing other friends with children, and whilst play dates might not fill me as an introvert with delight I’m happy to have lots of them too. I certainly already had my own friends by 5 and enjoyed spending time with them. My DD will also probably have to go to holiday clubs sometimes when DH and I are working, and in term time she will have social time at school and in after school clubs and can relax and recharge at home.

Nothing wrong with having more than one child but also nothing wrong with having one if that’s what suits the family.