Deciding on a 2nd child - positives we haven't thought of?

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A caveat of understanding that we might not be fortunate enough to have a second child and that we are very grateful for our energetic, healthy 2yo girl but...

We are both so logical. It is hard to choose newborn sleep, nursery fees, annoying bedtimes and separation anxiety all over again.

Our daughter is everything and we really appreciate the joy of watching someone grow up that we didn't even expect when we tried to have a child. Yes, it's intense but hilarious and rewarding. I love when she discovers a new word or tried to use a sentence she doesn't understand or does something kind etc.

What is this like with 2 children?

All we hear are the negatives of playing referee, extra costs, it's so chaotic etc.

Where is the joy? When they help eachother? When they grow up and might be pals?

I'm grateful for any replies xxx

2.5 years between my two.

Although, yes, they bicker every day, they also play together every day, plot mischief together, read to each other, go through reams of paper drawing side by side, and the house is so often filled with uproarious laughter.

It was tough in the beginning though and I honestly felt I’d betrayed DD1 and the beautiful relationship we’d had before DD2 arrived, so don’t underestimate that.

But once we got out of the fog of the early weeks, I honestly haven’t regretted it for a single second. The joy they bring both individually and as a team fills my heart.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Having just the one is of course a beautiful and valid choice too x

Following - have a 2 and a half yo and ready to drop any day!

Watching with interest OP as we are in a similar position. I really wasn't a fan of the baby stage so to go back there and have a toddler as well scares me! Biggest reason I'd have another is to give DS a sibling, otherwise we are quite happy as we are!

I'm so glad for my 2nd. She's cheeky and full of spirit but her and her sister have each others backs and play and share with each other things they don't want to share with me. They're teens and I'm 50 so I'm glad they won't be alone when we're dead and gone. Don't regret it at all. My 2nd is a delight but the first year was really hard as they are less than 2 years apart.

The first couple of years are pretty intense, but after that it's in some ways easier. If you've got one, you need to always be the playmate, but with two they play together. The second doesn't cost nearly as much, as they get all the hand me downs and depending on timing, you'll be past the expensive childcare part with the eldest before the youngest needs it.

They are so sweet together, eldest loves having a sidekick, and youngest would follow him anywhere.

I have two, 5 and 2.5. They fight sometimes, but they’re also lovely together. It’s so adorable when you see the baby crack up at their big sibling. They play and are in cahoots.
I honestly haven’t found it that difficult having two. You can have the odd hairy moment, sure, but I haven’t had many. I found the transition from 0 to 1 much tougher - the second just slots into the routine you already have.
You are a much better parent the second time round and far less anxious. It probably helps that with my second I was no longer anxious and controlling about naps and sleep. I co-slept with my second pretty much from birth (and breastfed) so that made things pretty easy. It meant I was never tired.
I am considering a third now, to be honest!!

I chose to have another because I wanted another child, not another baby. The early years are hard work!! I didn’t do it to provide a sibling as siblings don’t always get on, especially later on.

the second child was a much easier baby, probably due to my expectations as much as anything. Toddlers are relentless though!

i enjoy having a larger gap as I got a proper maternity leave whilst the older one was at school. It works out better later on to not have 2 at uni at the same time, no double nursery fees.

the dynamic is very different to a one child family. There’s more to remember. More difficult for babysitting.

I love watching them together. They both bring me so much joy and love. I love watching them grow and develop. I can’t wait to see where life takes them.

we toyed with having a second for the best part of a year and it’s the best thing I ever changed my mind about, I was adamant I was having one for quite a while. For me it was very much worth being pregnant, giving birth and all the hard work that follows.

I found 1 -2 the easiest transition too.

• You get mat leave when your eldest is 3 or 4 which is a really fun age.
• Your baby will look at your big one with such adoration.
• Your need to play with them intensively is really reduced.
• They will always have a peer and an ally (as a child and as a grown up) - maybe even a best friend
• They will share the visiting of you when you get old and infirm so that future pressure on them is reduced
• Usually all the naps/feeding/sleeping is easier the second time around as you will be more experienced and relaxed.

You don’t blame yourself or your parenting if DC1 messes up. Well unless DC2 messes up in the same way. Ditto you don’t take the credit when DC1 does something particularly well as likelihood DC2 doesn’t.

That’s not a good enough reason to bring a whole new person into the world, but it can make your parenting more relaxed, make you worry less.

I just liked having a whole other unique person, who is loved for himself.

I didn’t like it enough to have a third though.

My main caveat is to have a second child because YOU want one, not because you think it is in the best interests of your child. You cannot predict the relationship they will have, my 2 have an extremely challenging relationship no matter how hard we've tried, and that makes life pretty difficult. Honestly, I'm not sure our youngest has brought much value to my eldest's life, he would have loved to be an only. No regrets as youngest brings huge value to my life and I want him!!!! But don't fall into the trap of believing it is something you must do for your eldest, and prepare for different personalities.

I have two girls 15 months apart . I have many regrets, but this is never something I've even spent a second regretting, they are my life x

There is no guarantee of this, but mine are the absolute best of friends. They argue of course bit they love each other so much and generally play well together.

DS (age 4) got given a chocolate for a friend's birthday after nursery. He was really hungry and I told him he could eat it on the way home. He refused because he wanted to share it with his big sister!

When they argue, I tell myself they are learning lots about negotiation, patience, seeing someone else's view!

3.5 years between mine; my second is a very kind and nurturing person, compared to no.1 who is talented, funny, clever and gregarious but can be quite ruthless. They complement each other well and are great friends as young adults (always have been, actually). It's lovely to see the support they give each other.
I also know who'll be (willingly) pushing me about in my wheelchair when I'm old!

Is is really not a good enough reason in my opinion. Just enjoy your family as it is.

Great list. I remember one summer when toddler groups, preschool etc were closed and it dawned on me... they're playing together! I don't need to be playing shops intensively, one on one, for hours!

Mine really inspire each other. You really learn what a 4 or 5 year old can do when they want to copy an older sibling - youngest could write before school, not something I would really have thought of trying with eldest!

But obviously it's not guaranteed. I do know a family like menope's situation although I'm hopeful it'll work out as they get older.

I also found first baby tough, so was a bit apprehensive about a 2nd, but when it got difficult to conceive I knew we did really want it to happen.

My second DC was unplanned with a 5 year age gap. The joy he have brought to our life is indescribable. He has his own personality and interests and I love having one more person to adore and cherish. It's lovely to see the relationship between my two DC. They fight sometimes of-course, but they also have each other's back and if I raise them well, I am sure they will continue to be there for each other long after I am gone.

It's a family funeral today. My brother is the person who will get me through it. For all our falling out as kids, he is the person who would be there for me when I really needed him now. It's the greatest gift my parents could ever have given me.

I think this is a big potential positive. There are no guarantees siblings will be close but in later life they can be a source of great comfort and support.

And sorry for your loss @Jobsharenightmare

I always wanted to have two. I was one of two. Both my parents were. My husband was. 2 seemed the ideal number. I saw our future family as 4 people.

I lost a parent very soon after having my first child. It almost broke me, but my sibling was there to share the load. It cemented in my head the idea that I wanted my child to have a sibling. For them to have each other.

They are 7 and 10 now and mostly get on ok. They learn to share. They learn life isn’t fair. In a safe place. Watching the eldest explain some homework to the youngest is just lovely. Watching the youngest have a cow but then decide it’s ok if her brother has something she doesn’t, because she had something he didn’t last week, is quite rewarding.

(DH is estranged from his sibling, so I know it’s not a given that they will support each other in adulthood, but if they don’t exist there’s no chance they can)

there are just as many positive arguments for sticking with one. There isn’t a right answer. But I’m happy with my choice of two.

Giving my DD a sister was the best thing we ever did. There's 2.5 years between them and as soon as I saw the look on my daughter's face when she saw her baby sister for the first time any worries melted away. The newborn stage was hard with a toddler in tow but now DD2 is 8 months old it is easier as they can interact a bit more. I don't doubt it will be hard as they are both mobile and I know there will be fall outs as they grow up but they absolutely adore each other and it's so lovely to watch and to know they'll always have each other.

Thank you.

Yes I agree although they may not get on, siblings might get lucky and have a friend for life like I do.

Outdated username as I have a three year old and 1 year old, obviously there are tough days especially in the early days but seeing them play together and truly being best friends (for now) makes my heart burst, my youngest follows my eldest round like a shadow and my eldest has coped way better that I thought.

It's not without its challenges only yesterday nursery did say my youngest was a bit handsy with another little one, which I think is having an older sibling to play fight with so that's the next challenge

Wouldn't change it for the world and I like the small age gap, my eldest can't remember life before my little one arrived it's like they have always been a pair

Not going to lie OP. We have a high energy 3 5yo and a 5mo and it has been tough, really tough. More so when the baby was 2-3 months as she had horrendous "colic" and I was an exhausted wreck. Juggling the two of them was bloody hard and I questioned, daily, why we had had another. Although I think we're emerging from that period with the baby now, my 3yo still needs constant attention on him and doesn't play by himself much yet. I've had to have so much help with him to be point where my husband has rearranged his working hours to look after him as I just don't have the energy. Maybe you'll have it easier but probably best to assume it'll be tough to begin with.

I think there comes a turning point when it’s easier. They play together, they eat together, it takes so much pressure off me- I’m not forced to eat at 5pm, they can run off into soft play. I would also advocate having them close together- imo anything over 4-5years is like raising two only children and you lose the number 1 benefit.