I'm getting lots of pressure to leave my 10 week old baby with others - how should I deal with this?

[charliearm]

My baby is 10 weeks old, and I'm getting lots of pressure from my mum (especially) but also mother-in-law to leave him alone with them. It get's mentioned pretty much every time I see either of them, and it feels like everyone just want's me gone so they can enjoy time with my baby.

While I see my mum once or twice a week, we're not emotionally close and didn't always have a positive relationship when I was growing-up. Whenever I go over to my mums and she holds him, she just takes the bottle of expressed milk and starts feeding him (without permission, last time tipping the milk so much it dribbled down his chin). I asked her to go slower to no avail and ended up shouting at her to stop last time I was round. I immediately felt guilty and apologised. She won't stop mentioning how she should take him to "help" even though I've said I'm not ready to leave him with other people (other than my husband) yet. There was no "help" when he was breastfeeding all the time, yet the "offers" are constant now.

I know she just wants time to bond with the baby alone, which is fine in principle - it just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I'm mainly expressing milk and bottle-feeding (as I really struggled getting started with breastfeeding, due to painful and continually bleeding fissures on my nipples). I've been feeling quite low and struggled with feelings of failure after a difficult birth, and also (I know completely irrational!) feeling I'm failing him by not succeeding at breastfeeding. The fact I'm expressing is one of the main arguments to leave him ("just leave me with a bottle") - and I feel I wouldn't be under so much pressure to leave my baby before I was ready if I was exclusively breastfeeding and able to use that as an excuse.

When it comes to my MIL, she complained to my husband she doesn't spend enough time with the baby, but when I invited her round, she said she was busy both days. She then text my husband seperately, saying she was free another day for him and our son to go round to hers (no invite for me). My husband thought this was fine and a good oppportunity for me to "spend some time to myself". I do see what he's saying to some extent (even though my happy place is with our baby right now) and said yes, but am feeling quite low about it. I just feel both grandmas want me not to be there, so they can act/play as the main caregivers.

I just wondered if anyone has had similar experiences or advice? Am I being completely unreasonable? Thank you.

mums should do what makes them comfortable. Your preference is to be with your baby. That is all that matters.

They’ve had their turn to parent. This is yours and you get to make the rules.

You’re not unreasonable. I wouldn’t have done this. What about responding to a message from your mum along the lines of “DS isn’t ready to go anywhere without me just yet, but I appreciate the offer and I will let you know when that changes”. DH can deal with his DM.

Grandparents don't have a right to relive being a mother through your baby and you definitely shouldn't be pushed to leave your child with someone when your upbringing had issues.

You are a new mother going through all kinds of hormone and life changes. If you feel comfortable being there then that's the way it is.

Maybe in the future when the baby is less reliant on you and you're feeling comfortable the. you can arrange a meal out or something with child care through them but I don't see the benefit right now.

Just say no. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Your baby is tiny. You also don’t have to share feeding him with other people, it’s special bonding time.

You have a brand new baby and he does not need passing around like a doll. You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do.

I would think of a stock phrase and repeat it every time the subject comes up, with your DH too if needed. Something like

'Thank you for offering to have him. He's still so tiny and I'm not comfortable handing him over, I prefer to be with him. I know he's going to love spending time with you when he's older'

It mystifies me how some GPs see their Daughters/DILs as just a baby making machine and make all these demands about having the babies to themselves.

Congratulations on your lovely little boy 😊

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but is it possible you’re interpreting their offers of help as something different? I’d have been on my knees at 10 weeks if my mum/mil hadn’t been “taking” the baby to let me get some sleep/time to “just be.” A lot of the time they were just downstairs with him or took him out in the pram those first couple of months but it made a world of difference. i found it exhausting having to be on all the time. I didn’t feel like I could ask anyone to watch him though -it had to be offered- so could it be that they maybe think they’re doing you a favour?

I’m sure they don’t mean to make you feel like you’re being pushed out but that also doesn’t make you unreasonable for feeling like that. Everyone is different.

You just say thank you for the offer and when I am ready we'll arrange something then. If they keep pushing tell them that them pushing is making it harder for you to even consider leaving your child. It is up to you when you are ready and you need to get your Dh on board too to back you up every time.

Absolutely no need for them to be alone with the baby?! Unless you have mentioned struggling?
I keep reading so many similar posts and I really don't get what do grandparents need from this!
I remember suggesting help to young mothers in my family as so they don't feel alone if they ever needed a breather but no interest on my parts I was more than happy to visit with everyone involved!

2 issues here-

1. You don’t want your 10 week old baby to be babysat, totally normal, just say thanks but no thanks and don’t get dragged into a discussion. They don’t need alone time with GPs to bond, what nonsense.
2. Your DH wants to take baby out by himself for a few hours. There’s a big difference between the babysitting and trusting your DH to be an equal parent, because I’m sure you take baby out on your own all the time including to your mum’s by the sound of it. That I’d be fine with unless there’s something you’re not mentioning about his competency?

Work out what your comfortable with and get DH on board. For example, would you actually be happy getting a break for a bath / sleep / coffee without a child, but would feel better if DH and MIL are in your house with the baby? But you don't have to say yes to them. There's plenty of time for them to form a relationship with your DS when he's older than 10 weeks!

You shouldn't feel any pressure to do something you don't want to. And your baby is still so young. When my child was a few days old my MIL suggested we both leave her with her in living room and go upstairs to sleep. I was horrified and would never have left her even for half an hour. Not because I don't trust my MIL but because I needed to be close to baby and that lasted for weeks and weeks, but everyone is different. It is completely natural to not want to leave them but we live in a society where many people think that it is essential to be apart from your baby at a young age (see also, people putting babies in their own rooms too early, etc). It's not essential, it's not necessarily helpful unless YOU find it helpful.

As time has gone on (DD is 19mo) personally we have both gradually built up the confidence to leave her with grandparents but it was on our terms - feeding was established, sleep was a bit better etc, and I felt more able to venture into the world, both on my own/with friends and with DH.

This is your child, so it's your boundaries. I would be honest - politely but firmly state that you're not ready to leave her yet. If they mention it again, politely and firmly reiterate. You don't owe anyone anything. Good luck

It is very normal that a mother wants to be with her baby and is uncomfortable leaving him with other people.

The baby's grandparents can bond with him just fine with you also present. I find it very weird when I read about grandparents who want to insist on alone time, I feel lucky that my own family and in laws are not like this tbh.

Separating you from your tiny baby will stress out you and very likely your baby too. And for what reason exactly? Why do they need to be alone with him so badly? What do they want to do that they can't do with you present?

I would find it very odd if my own mother didn't want me around tbh!

I like the stock phrase a PP suggested. Repeat ad nauseam. There's no need to be impolite, but you can be firm - please don't feel like you should give in unless you actively want to for your sake, not theirs. You are not being unreasonable at all.

Just be upfront with them and say I am not ready to leave him with anyone at the moment but I’m sure I will on the future just give me some time but please stop asking I will let you knew when I feel I am able to.
they can’t really come back and say anything if you are upfront with them

I know she just wants time to bond with the baby alone, which is fine in principle
Is it? Neither my mum or MIL ever expressed a desire to bond with my children alone as tiny babies and I'd have thought they were being really weird if they did.

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable and do not allow yourself to be bullied or pressured into thinking you are.

’I’m not comfortable being away from
him yet but I’ll let you know when I am’

’I don’t need a break from him, I want to be with him. Thanks for the offer though, I’ll keep it in mind for when I do’

Repeat.

Hi! Firstly I want to say congratulations! You are doing amazing! Expressing is very draining and you are doing so well!

My MIL is very much like yours. She’ll have him all the time if she could. I would give DC to her a few hours a week just to rest and have a bit of a break.

Now I’m back at work, she takes DC a few days a week while I’m at work. One thing good about her is that she’s very reliable and I’m getting free childcare knowing DC is safe but she can be quite entitled at times (turning up unannounced, be in a huff if plans change). Like yours, she also only speaks to DH about childcare even though I’m the one who does the drop offs and pick ups. At the moment I just suck it and accept her for what she is.

Like you as well, my relationship with my DM is very up and down. She’ll promise to look after the baby and then say she’s tired. Once she even demanded that I make her warm milk (in between BF and FF DC and healing from stitches). So childish! I don’t expect anything from her. And only visit her with the baby while I’m present. She’s just not reliable.

As for you, you just have to be assertive. Forget about their perspectives and what they want. What do YOU want? What do YOU feel comfortable with? With MIL, I draw the line and leaving DC overnight. She’s spoken very loudly about getting a cot, but no! I’m not comfortable with that just yet.

For me as well, there was a feeling of being unloved. I was looking for warmth from both my DM and MIL and it just wasn’t there. But that’s my issue and I have to accept it.

If you have the time / money, you may benefit from speaking to a therapist? You have unnecessarily put a lot of guilt and pressure on yourself regarding feeding and the birth experience. Speaking to a professional might really help unpick and process some of these feelings.

Good luck! 💐

Some people, usually women in my experience, become mad twats when there’s a new baby on the scene and become demented about getting the mother away from the baby (while pretending it’s a selfless act of benevolence) so they can can ‘bond’.

No one needs to strip a newborn from its mother to bond. It’s just mental behaviour in their part and best ignored. You do what makes you comfortable. Fuck anyone else.

As others have said - you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to do with your baby. Your mum and your MIL have had their turn raising their own.

I’d just politely tell them that they’re welcome to come and spend as much time with you and baby as they like (provided that’s how you feel!) but that you don’t feel comfortable having baby away from you yet, and you’ll let them know when (and if) that changes. They can still bond with their grandchild with you or your DH there!

My DS wasn’t alone with anyone else other than myself or DH until I went back to work when he was 13 months. And the first time DH and I were both away from him for anything other than work was when he was 2.5 years and DH and I went out to an even for a few hours 🤣 All my friends think I’m off my head and have had theirs having overnights etc with parents/in laws since their kids were weeks old 🤷🏻‍♀️ but we’re all different and that’s just not for me personally 🤷🏻‍♀️ do what feels right for you and your family 😊

Congratulations on your baby, mine is 10w old too! 🙌❤️

YANBU to want to be with your baby, I do too as do many, many other mums. We're healing, we're bonding, we're smitten, we're learning how to be. Totally understandable.

For me personally, I wouldn't want to leave baby. Heck I barely leave my 2.5yo toddler! And that's ok. I get pressure from my MIL to leave the toddler with them "so you can go and do things you need to do". I say thank you, you're welcome to come around and see toddler (and now baby) here, these are the days that work for us...let me know."

MIL is now saying she wants to take the toddler to a class or group so I can have time to bond with baby. To that I say "thank you that's kind, but it's important for toddler to bond with baby too so we're going to classes/playgroups together when toddler isn't at nursery, but we're around on these days if you want to come and play at our house, let me know."

MIL hasn't yet asked to take baby but I know she's itching to and she'll ask soon. I know it comes from a good place but my response will still be the same as it is for the toddler.

It's ok to say no. Congratulations again 🥰

"How should I deal with this"

Tell them to back off, this is your baby and you will decide if and when you want to leave anyone else to be responsible for him.

This ^

I'm the same as you and my baby is older. MIL told me all about when their DS was a baby and MIL and FIL used to go out for a walk when grandparents went round so that they could bond with the new baby. I find this so weird. Why can't they bond when the baby's mother is there?
I tend to make a joke out of it- "There's no way you're having my baby all to yourself when she's a teeny tiny thing who wants to be with her mum!' in a joking voice. I also told them all about the third trimester and I've lost count of the times I've said "We're doing it our way!"

What you're feeling is completely normal and valid, don't let anyone pressure you to be parted from your baby when you're not ready. I have felt the exact same as you about both of mine and I didn't budge on it. If they genuinely want to help you there are loads of things they could do that don't involve taking your baby off you. Help with shopping, cooking, washing, cleaning etc... But it's not really help they're offering, they just want a chance to play mummy by themselves. I'm not sure why some grandparents get this way, but they need to back off. They'll have plenty of time to
bond as your lo gets older and you will get more comfortable with being away from your lo, but that will happen at your own pace.

Grandparents do not need to be alone with a baby to bond with them. Don't be parted from your DC if you don't want to. We have that biological instinct for a reason. It's messing with nature to try to force it.

When people are trying to pressure me to leave DD with them, I respond along the lines of - 'that's so kind of you to offer. I'm ok for now but will let you know if i need to take you up on it'. And repeat.

You've succeeded in finding a way to feed your lovely baby.

You and your OH need to bond with your baby. GPs do not need to ... they have a different role.

I am a Gmother to 7 GC. I have never ever asked for time alone with any of them. Their parents ask for my help when they need it and I am happy to agree, if I am free.

Two of the GC came to me regularly a couple of days a week so my DD could work.

The idea of being anything other than an onlooker who helps when needed is alien to me. But they know I am always happy to help when needed, and I have really close good relationships with them all. I see them all a lot and we have fun together and all get on.

How do you tell these out-of- order GPs to back off? I have no idea .... they seem to be under the.misguided impression that they have right in relation to their GC.... they do not. And behaving as they are will sour relationships .. very silly.