I'm getting lots of pressure to leave my 10 week old baby with others - how should I deal with this?

[charliearm]

My baby is 10 weeks old, and I'm getting lots of pressure from my mum (especially) but also mother-in-law to leave him alone with them. It get's mentioned pretty much every time I see either of them, and it feels like everyone just want's me gone so they can enjoy time with my baby.

While I see my mum once or twice a week, we're not emotionally close and didn't always have a positive relationship when I was growing-up. Whenever I go over to my mums and she holds him, she just takes the bottle of expressed milk and starts feeding him (without permission, last time tipping the milk so much it dribbled down his chin). I asked her to go slower to no avail and ended up shouting at her to stop last time I was round. I immediately felt guilty and apologised. She won't stop mentioning how she should take him to "help" even though I've said I'm not ready to leave him with other people (other than my husband) yet. There was no "help" when he was breastfeeding all the time, yet the "offers" are constant now.

I know she just wants time to bond with the baby alone, which is fine in principle - it just makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I'm mainly expressing milk and bottle-feeding (as I really struggled getting started with breastfeeding, due to painful and continually bleeding fissures on my nipples). I've been feeling quite low and struggled with feelings of failure after a difficult birth, and also (I know completely irrational!) feeling I'm failing him by not succeeding at breastfeeding. The fact I'm expressing is one of the main arguments to leave him ("just leave me with a bottle") - and I feel I wouldn't be under so much pressure to leave my baby before I was ready if I was exclusively breastfeeding and able to use that as an excuse.

When it comes to my MIL, she complained to my husband she doesn't spend enough time with the baby, but when I invited her round, she said she was busy both days. She then text my husband seperately, saying she was free another day for him and our son to go round to hers (no invite for me). My husband thought this was fine and a good oppportunity for me to "spend some time to myself". I do see what he's saying to some extent (even though my happy place is with our baby right now) and said yes, but am feeling quite low about it. I just feel both grandmas want me not to be there, so they can act/play as the main caregivers.

I just wondered if anyone has had similar experiences or advice? Am I being completely unreasonable? Thank you.

In most circumstances mums aren't being paranoid or unreasonable by not wanting to leave their baby.

Like PP have said if they want to help there's many ways to help a new mum. Unfortunately some people seem to only want to help when help means cuddling the baby.

I think it's hard for grandparents to understand the concept of not leaving a baby so early because they had no choice most went back to work full time at 12 weeks because that's when you lost maternity pay at a decent rate. It was a case of go back to work or lose your home for many. Few managed 6 months off.

Id probably stop expressing milk. Unless you need time off for something

Otherwise, at ten weeks, baby needs the mother

When this comes up again, take a deep breath and say, "No, and stop asking. It's not going to happen.". And repeat.

Do not justify or explain your No. If they try to wheedle, tell them to stop wheedling.

I had a visitor after one of my DCs was born who came right out and said she wanted to play with the baby while I got on with my 'work'.

I felt at the time that she was fighting with me over what she considered to be a toy, and that in her warped way of looking at things, I was shirking my bousewifely duties and being self-indulgent by spending my time holding the baby and carrying her around.

Very much a hangover from the days when the concept of women's 'duties' was a thing - her first duty being to her husband and the keeping of the house, with too much attention to the baby seen as subversive.

"Absolutely not."

This is AWFUL behaviour from your mother/MIL and I’m so sorry to hear it. I didn’t leave my baby alone with anyone else until they were a year old! I didn’t want to. Don’t be pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. At 10 weeks you baby is tiny! Be strong. Empower yourself. You’ve got this.

Pretty much unanimous OP, and plenty of examples of the response you can give, whatever is your usual style. Personally I’d keep it short and sweet and keep repeating it when asked.

And this did make me laugh @Hibiscrubbed I think you nailed it - so true!

Say no.

Oh OP, your post made me quite emotional as I was in the exact same boat as you when my baby was little - and I also recognise your feelings of failure because of not being able to breastfeed. You are absolutely not failing but your feelings are totally valid, and I'd recommend talking to others about it so you feel less alone. There will come a day when you will appreciate your parents/in-laws babysitting and that's great, but don't feel you have to let them do it any sooner than you feel ready. It's a tough line to tread and it's hard feeling like you have to keep putting your foot down, but you have every right to do so.

Follow your instincts. You need to be firm - baby and me aren't ready to spend time apart yet but thanks so much for your kind offer I'll definitely let you know when I'm ready to take it up! If you would like to help please do let me know what you're free as there's lots of errands etc. they can then
Take laundry for you or drop off meals. If they don't take you up on that then they can get lost as they're not really 'helping'

I didn't want to do this, the thought of it made me anxious, I was still trying to get feeding established and his weight up and I just didn't WANT to be away from him. So I didn't. I said 'thanks for offering, we'll let you know when we feel ready for that. ' and changed the conversation. I spoke to dh about it and when his family brought it up he said the same. And then when I eventually did feel ready (baby was 7mths) we did get in touch and ask if they'd be happy to take him for a bit. In between we met up with them lots, brought ds round to their house to visit, made them dinner at ours so they had plenty of opportunity to see him with us there as well. It's completely your decision when you want to be away from your baby and what is right for one person doesn't suit everyone and that's OK.

"No thank you" ought to suffice.

This is the second time in a few days I have read a thread about grannies wanting time alone to "bond with" their grandchildren. At such a young age, while I think it no bad thing for babies to feel safe in their grandparents' care, the key bond is with their mother and father. My mother and MIL love their grandchildren, but they didn't need to be alone to bond because they are not their babies. I find it really bizarre.