Is it weird to prefer the idea of being a stepdad?

[James637]

So a bit of a strange one but… is it weird that I prefer the idea of meeting someone with a kid or kids? I like the idea of having a ‘family’ without having the full responsibility and them being my children. Is this weird?

I get the idea of it being easier, however in real life being a step parent can be very difficult

It won’t be easier. It’s comforting to think it will be. But that’s a fantasy.

But if the children are a little bit older? I like the idea of if the relationship goes south then we can break up without ruining kids lives. I like not having that on my conscience.

I think it’s right for some men. I love my step dad :) I’d do more to help him out when he’s older than some of my own family who have never taken an interest in me.

If you're a properly involved step parent then you'd probably build a relationship with the kids and they would still be very upset if you suddenly walked out of their lives never to be seen again.

If you are present in a parental role then a break up will affect the children. Don't get involved with someone's children unless you are committing to them 100%. It's fine to have a relationship with someone and not be involved with the children, especially if they are older (teens + )

Also you can break up with a wife/partner that you have children with and not ruin their lives. I know plenty of adults who had parents that split up and co-parented really well and didn't ruin the kids lives, it just takes a lot of work by the parents.

Yeah I guess so. I just can’t get comfortable with the responsibility of having kids but at the same time being a couple without children seems kind of boring :/

I would feel like I’d failed at life doing this though. I don’t know why. I guess because my parents relationship has been faultless.

Don't have kids then. But don't think there's a way to have all the joy and love with none of the work and responsibility.

Sounds a bit flaky and dilettante-ish TBH.

Immature maybe? You want the fun but not the responsibility. Doesn't give "evolved adult human" really.

It's one thing to be open to dating a mother. It does sound a bit odd to specifically be looking for that.

On a separate note, be careful that you don't set off red flags. If I knew a date was purposefully looking to date a woman with children, I'd worry that you had an unhealthy intent towards my children and would be extremely cautious (or just bin you).

Well @James637 , this is your work of becoming an adult! Responsibility is scary, but being scared of responsibilities is not a reason to avoid leaning forward into your life. It's not boredom that you sense - it's the limitations of a life spent playing it safe.

This isn't about having children or not - for you, it seems the idea of children gives you that uneasy feeling ("It seems hard work and scary but am I missing something?") It could just as well be a big new job or a move or a relationship that give a person those feelings.

It's about embracing the challenges of life in order to get deeper satisfaction ultimately.

So think about it in those terms - and don't assume stepkids or real kids are there as an asset to your life either. For both, you quickly realise that you get involved with them to serve - to serve a power of life, of human need, which is far larger than your own wants and needs.

How old are you?

34

Growing up at 35 might be a good goal. Life isn't the Simms. You can't pick the bits you fancy.

Being a step dad is still a big commitment.

I have a 3 year old and would be very cautious getting into a relationship and introducing them to him. Children form bonds

I can sort of see the appeal to be fair. I think the reality would be tough though

This sounds like an excellent topic to discuss with a therapist.

Is your relationship with your father complicated by any chance?

Honestly I have found therapy very beneficial to unpick all sorts of confusing things about myself so really recommend it.

I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, this is the main reason I feel I don’t want the full responsibility of kids.

struggle with anxiety and panic attacks, this is the main reason I feel I don’t want the full responsibility of kids.

But step children are still humans. They don't matter less because you're not directly related.

They'll still (as PP says) bond with you if you're involved in their life, and feel the disruption of a split. They're not quasi-children who can be picked up and put down when things get tough. They could well feel the loss of you if a relationship broke down.

I'd work on yourself and park the whole idea of family for a while.

So you feel better about breaking up in a step family where the child/ren have already experienced their parents break up, rather than a break up with your bio kids? That seems really wrong imo. Those children on top of having to go through it twice, would most likely lose you all together as well as dealing with changes in their household, upset mum etc.
Add to that that step parenting is probably more difficult than straight parenting. If I met you and you told me the above I would run a mile.

You don't sound mature enough to be any kind of father. Stick to a childfree life and childfree women.

OMG.

You might well find that after being a stepdad for a while, you'll want to have a child of your own. That happened to my son, and now he's a dad for the first time, after never wanting children.

🙄 So it gives you an easy out? You're not coming across as being the dedicated type in for the long haul