Is it weird to prefer the idea of being a stepdad?

[James637]

So a bit of a strange one but… is it weird that I prefer the idea of meeting someone with a kid or kids? I like the idea of having a ‘family’ without having the full responsibility and them being my children. Is this weird?

You sound like a bit of a commitment phobe - someone who could dash at any minute. That wouldn’t be stable for any family with children ideally.

Have you tried having some counselling to talk through your feelings around this?

Wouldn't it be easier to be with someone who didn't want children?

Damn I feel like shit now!

My thinking was just more along the lines of I could be a good step parent if I met someone but I wouldn’t feel as much pressure in the event that things didn’t work out long term. I hate the idea of getting stuck in a relationship because if it were my children I don’t think I could leave, I would feel too guilty on the kids. I do struggle with the idea of having responsibility for a new life in this world, maybe that’s immaturity I don’t know. In other areas of my life I’m not like this, I have a successful business, homeowner, responsible etc

Maybe yes, it’s just hard to find women around where I live who don’t want children. Also it looks a bit empty at times.

I'm sure if there was an accidental pregnancy next week, you'd rise to the challenge.

Everyone is living these elongated youths now and it leads to overthinking.

Just make sure that you tell the significant lady in your life that you cannot be relied on ever, and are likely to bail at a moment's notice when the dcs become hard work.

Just don't have children. Have one night stands. Borrow a dog. That's what works for you at the moment.

@James637 yes it's freaking weird 😂 have you thought about getting a dog? Maybe a cat.

You can't just trial kids with some step kids for a bit. That's hilarious. Are you then thinking of it turns out you like it... Have your own?

Certainly says a lot about your character.
I think you need to grow up and stop being so selfish.
Kids are not there for your amusement

You think it's boring to be in a relationship without kids? Then you've been in the wrong relationships or you don't know how to adult.

Gently, you can't like the idea of kids just for something to feel the dull winter evenings. There will be women out there who do not want, or cannot have children but also want to live interesting lives.

Please don't seek out single mothers because you think they'll be easy to ditch when the going gets tough. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way but that's sort of what you're saying.

Seek out women who actively do not want to be parents. They do exist.

Sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone. My thinking isn’t to just ditch someone or be flaky it’s just more along the lines of if things didn’t work out then it’s easier to split up for everyone.

I feel guilt very easily so if I were my own children, I think I would feel like a failure if the marriage failed.

Yes it is easier to split.

But psychologically the children will still be damaged

You seem to have the attitude: they're not my kids, so I don't give a shit if they are devastated.

That's why people are calling you immature, because you don't seem to register that they are human beings, just like you.

Yes, I am sorry it’s strange.

If the kids are older and wouldn’t care of be impacting by you leaving, you aren’t their step dad. Your are Mums Boyfriend/husband.

I met Dp when dd was 15. If we split she would miss him. But he isn’t her step dad. He has never had a parental role in her life.

If you actually become a step dad, and raise a family with their mother, of course they will be hurt by their family unit splitting up. Even when the break up is best in the long run.

It really does sound like you are saying you want to play families, be a Dad to some kids, create an emotional bond with them…..but always ah e the optio where you can say ‘well they aren’t my kids’ when you have had enough.

Arguably it's WORSE to run out on step children! They might (not invariably, but might) have already had trauma around the adults who are supposed to live with them and care for them letting them down!!

Anxiety, panic attacks... you think people with responsibility for a human life don't also sometimes have those things? There are few trains you get on in life that you can't get off when the going gets tough. Actually it's less anxiety-inducing to just have to deal, than it is worrying in advance. Children are one train you can't get off. You might even find that having to rise to the challenge improves your MH. (Though, as everyone is saying that's no reason to have them!).

I think you're over thinking it. When and if the time is right for you to father you're own children you'll know. (And accidents happen please think about the what if?) But, I will say that anxiety you feel will never go away it changes though. I believe it comes from a good place and it's because ultimately you care.

I've been with my H for a very long time. We were married young (through choice) and didn't have our first until we'd been married 11 years. We always knew we may be wanted kids but we would always put it off for some reason or another. We had a contraception failure (milestone bday, I got wrecked on a week long bender and was sick - pill didn't work) H was floored when we found out. Total shock for both of us. But, by the first scan he came around and has been an amazing father. He's still terrified of every little thing, as am I to a certain point. We now also have newborn and it's that same rollercoaster all over again.

The anxiety changes from the fear of the unknown to omg I love this bundle and then you get anxious of the everything else that hasn't happened yet or everything that is happening.

It's called being a parent. Even if you meet someone with their own children once you've formed a bond with them Im sure you'd have similar feelings. (I don't know for sure just guessing and projecting how I'd feel)

Take it as it comes and the dating world is already tough enough without narrowing yourself further. Enjoy the journey and see where you end up. Don't discount life experiences before you've had them, you never know what you may miss out on. Trust yourself and if it transpires you don't want children, there's a woman out there for you that will want the same. Just be honest and try not to limit yourself.

Thank you for your kind words! I do tend of overthink everything and worry about the future so it’s hard when you start thinking of all the possible scenarios and what could happen. This is what scares me really about having my own kids, I don’t think mentally I would ever rest of be at peace again and that’s a scary thought.

Honestly, I think it's all just flak, it sounds to me you think single mothers would be grateful having you in their lives and you think you leaving when it didn't work out to be more acceptable. You don't get points for letting people think you are willing to take on someone elses kids .

@James637 The thing is you find a kinda peaceful calm. You find it at bedtimes, bath time, first smiles and words. It's there in many forms as is love and pride like you've never felt before like holding them for the first time, watching them learn and grow. Knowing you're helping to hopefully shape brighter future potential (in my opinion, before I get piled on)

I'm not trying to glamorise it at all. It's fucking hardwork at the best of times. You'll also deal with crying, sleepless nights and more bodily fuilds than you'll ever want to know about. But, I fully believe its helped shape my H and I into being better, stronger and more resilient as a couple. When we're not wanting to murder eachother because we believe the other has had more sleep or has done less nappies! And, naturally as all couples do, we've had plenty of issues and milestones to work through.

I don't know why you're being piled on the way you have been. I think you were clumsy in what you're trying to convey and I think it's normal to have these fears. I don't think there's harm in sounding out something like this, where you can't express it in everyday rl. Just relax and go with the flow. You'll find your path eventually.

Thank you! I don’t understand either! I am someone who thinks a lot so I feel like I’m being more conscientious than anything, but yes maybe I didn’t phrase it quite right!

I think you are thinking about the idea of children but the responsibility seems overwhelming therefore a child you may only see 50% of the time and which you wouldn't have full responsibility for seems appealing and maybe the best option.

However unfortunately step parenting is rarely like that. I have two children of my own and are a stepparent to two. Here is what I have found l:

1. It's incredibly difficult to find a middle ground to work with the other parent. Break up of a family can often come with a lot of hurt, anger and politics and it's almost impossible at times to navigate through and remain sane! Also limiting this impact on the children.

1. Children from multiple households may have different rules and values in each home. This means that things may happen that you completely disagree with, have absolutely noway of stopping, yet have to deal with the issues in your home.

1. It's not a natural bond, it's a bond that needs to be continually worked on, it's one that can be criticised by others, it's one that one week can be positive and the next not. It's not easy to build for many reasons but time is a massive factor- only seeing them part of the time means it's hard to make it meaningful.

1. Your role, it's incredibly sensitive, you can easily step on other people's toes. And not to do anything other than be a Funtime uncle type is superficial. I take my duty as a step parent seriously, I want them to have fun with me, but I also want to role model the best example for them, help them create a happy successful future for themselves. When you don't have autonomy on that it's difficult to watch them and their parents make choices you deem terrible and can't say anything! This is what keeps me up at night the most.

I know not all step parents have these issues but they aren't uncommon and I think the step parenting board is a good place to start reading about the challenges.

On the other hand my own children, the bond was instant, time is not against us in terms of it growing. We have autonomy over how they are raised, rules, and how we influence their lives- there isn't a third party contradicting us on what we do. As a result it's much easier.

Now I love my step children they are a complete blessing, but it's not the same love I feel for my children. It doesn't mean I treat them differently and my sense of duty will mean I will always be there for them. But it's not the same.

In a perfect world I would never have chosen the blended family route- the challenges at times can be immense and overwhelming. Saying that in the same breath I wouldn't change my family!!! It's not easy!

I do think though you fear the responsibility of children and see this as a perfect compromise- I can't tell you enough how wrong you are! To do step parenting right, you need an overwhelming sense of care and duty, an ability to rise above family politics, a nerve of steel when you are told you aren't a parent, don't have a view but in the same token you have to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong, you also have to realise that in terms of family you will never be equal to your partner, they always have the overriding say.

It's often thankless but can be so rewarding when it goes well. It's like riding a rollercoaster.

From what you have said I don't think your ready to buy your ticket to ride. I think you need to sit down and think, discuss, what is your issue with responsibility? How can you overcome it? You can but this is not the solution