How do you repair your relationship with your kids?

[johnd2]

Ok so things don't always go well, old triggers pop up, life happens and sometimes neither kid nor parent covers themselves in glory.
Do you repair your relationship, and if so how often, and how do you do it? Also how old children?

I'll go first - In my case with my nearly 4 year old I do it about 5 times a day (although it should be more like 10) and it's just a cuddle and apologies that may or may not be accepted and maybe a quick chat about difficult feelings on both sides.

What??
Why in the world do you apologize to your 3 yr old 5 times a day??

Because I want to repair our relationship after an issue.
Are you suggesting that parents are always right?

What are you doing to them that you need to apologise for?

If you’re really in the wrong five times a day you should be looking at your behaviour and changing it. Because “sorry” is just a word and means nothing without action.

This. It kind of depends what you're doing. Five times a day seems excessive; more info needed.

I think you need some help with your parenting. You had a thread basically asking "what's the worst form of abuse" and now you're saying you do something to your 3yo multiple times a day that requires an apology.

Your poor kid shouldn't have to live like that.

What are you apologising for five times a day that's so bad you think it permanently damages your ongoing relationship to your child?

Our home motto is "apology without action is a betrayal", bit heavy handed, but it's an absolute that only saying sorry is not a proper apology.

I think you are over thinking it.

Some examples would be helpful here OP, of the times you’ve needed to apologise.

5 times a day is a lot and seems concerning. Either you are way overthinking it apologising far too much. Or if you actually are behaving badly that often then you need to seek help, it’s not okay to apologise and then just do it again.

This is really concerning.

this

I have adult children. I have never “repaired” my relationship with them, because it’s never been broken. We love and respect each other, apologise when required but more like once or twice over the years, not several times a day.

I apologise to my children if I have been short, annoyed or not listened to them properly. This is at most once or maybe twice a month.

I honestly think you need to reflect as to whether apologising is necessary or if your behaviour is that bad and then seek help.

Strange post.

My children are older. We clear the air after a disagreement and I nurture the relationship with my SEN child who is having a very difficult time at the moment. I don't apologise multiple times a day though.

As others have said some examples of what you are apologising for would be helpful. If it's normal parenting then you don't need to apologise for setting boundaries or saying no to your child.

If there is more to it then some examples would be helpful as perhaps some guidance could be given as to how to deal with things.

If your relationship with your 3 years old is so damaged you are apologising to them so often I think you need to be digging down to work out why that's happened and how to fix it.

Ok clearly not clear enough in my op.

One thing I would say is a relationship is not binary in my mind, it's not either ok or not ok. It has a million colours of different strengths, and repairing is just another word for strengthening in my mind. So what I'm really asking is how people realise they are weakening their relationship with their children, and what they do to counteract that.

Regarding examples yes that would be handy. I think there are a few categories of when I need to apologise.

One would be just acknowledging when I knocked him when I picked something up or whatever. That takes 0.5 seconds for oops sorry and probably happens 2+ times a day. I'd call it a throwaway apology really.

Another would be I did something he didn't like or didn't give him time to listen, eg took his plate when he wanted to take it himself, or tidied up a toy into the"wrong" place. That's more like, sorry what did you want to do, do you want a quick cuddle? And the plate might still get taken. That usually happens 2+ times a day.

The big one would be I had my own triggers so I couldn't listen to him and those are the real battles, eg I think he needs the toilet/bath/clean teeth/get dressed more quickly, but he isn't doing it, and my own emotions come up.
Those are probably the important ones in my mind, because it's easy to justify as he deserved it because he needed to do it. But it could end up I'm talking to him in an angry voice, or I might impose an inappropriate consequence eg I'll leave him in the room unless he goes to the toilet. Or worst case I start physically dressing him or whatever the task is because I'm annoyed, not because it's the best thing for the situation.
That usually happens every day or two. And it's subtle because it's easy to blame him for my feelings and say it was necessary, but it's the most important one to repair as he can easily tell my actual feeling, and he feels it might threaten our relationship.

And just to add I'm aware a proper apology includes showing you understand their feeling, showing you know what you did/what happened, and saying what you will do differently.
I guess I'm more focused on strengthening relationship than actually apology itself.

Thanks for updating OP, that provides a lot more context!

Have you read “how to talk so little kids will listen”?

It gave me a new perspective on parenting and I think you’d like it. It’s about finding problem solving approaches together with your child to reduce confit.

I think a lot of what you’re describing as “apologising” I would call acknowledging feelings. So you might be saying “I’m sorry you’re upset”. Whereas I might say “you’re very cross aren’t you, please don’t scream, tell me what you want to say”.

*conflict on confit!

From the title I imagined adult children who’d gone NC.

You apologise to your child because you tidied a toy away into a place they didn’t like? This is the makings of a very egocentric child.

I think you asking how to repair your relationship is a bit weird. You don't have a broken relationship with your 3 years old. You probably need more patience when it comes to him getting tasks done, he is only little, but you hardly have a broken relationship ffs.

Another would be I did something he didn't like or didn't give him time to listen, eg took his plate when he wanted to take it himself, or tidied up a toy into the"wrong" place. That's more like, sorry what did you want to do, do you want a quick cuddle? And the plate might still get taken. That usually happens 2+ times a day.

You don't need to apologise for doing this.

With the toy you tell them as they didn't put their toy away in a reasonable amount of time you put it away where you thought it would go. In other words you are teaching them consequences for their (in)actions.

With the plate you explain why you are taking it e.g. as we need to y it is quicker for me to take all the plates together. If you are just taking the plate because you are inpatient then you need to realise that kids especially ones under 11 work at a slower speed and stop doing it.

I agree that it's important to own and apologise for when you've not been your best self. I do apologise to my kids if I take my frustration out on them or jump to a wrong conclusion for example.

If they're messing around and I get fed up, I don't apologise for being firm or letting them know they're frustrating me. My feelings in those moments are valid and a real consequence of them not behaving their best. It's important they learn their behaviour impacts others.

I fairly regularly 'check in' with my eldest. Ask them if there's anything on their mind, anything I could do better, anything they wish I was doing that I'm not etc... i've gained a few golden nuggets of information from doing that that I'd have otherwise likely missed. I'm very conscious of the fact that I need to regularly adjust my parenting methods so that they are age appropriate as they get older.

Do you apologize lots to adults too? It sounds like you are apologizing a lot.
Either you need some support like a parenting course so you don't behave overly harsh or you need to work on your self esteem. Sometimes kids have to do things that they don't like eg brush their teeth. By apologising so much you risk your son expecting too much from others or developing perfectionist tendencies himself. Maybe he should tidy his own toys to prevent issues?
With regards to him not doing things quickly like getting changed, it's not his fault if you've not allowed enough time to get ready before going out. (You don't say this but it's a mistake that I've made) While I sympathise with how kids know the worst times to dilly dally, nobody speeds up because they are nagged or made to feel bad and that's a parenting issue that you need to practice more.