AIBU to want to actually do things with my young daughter?

[ConfusedAdult2001]

I'm (22F) a first time mom to my DD (1F). Although DD still isn't walking yet, I normally take her almost everywhere w/ me outside of work, however, there are occasions where I want to go out and do something that could be enjoyable for the both of us, such as the zoo/aquarium/beach/park/etc., things/places that are baby friendly. I get joy out of seeing DD happy and curious.

I asked DH (28) if he would want to join us on a trip to the aquarium/zoo/beach solely because I know he's not the type to really want to go do those things, but obviously it's still nice to always ask.

He responds by saying he thinks she's too young, there's no point in taking her to such places because she won't really enjoy it and won't have any memory/recollection of it when she gets older.

Me: why can't we go yearly INCLUDING when she can/can't remember? I want photo memories of these things with her, this is me spending quality time with her, etc.

Recently we just had this same discussion, this time with me asking him if it'd be okay to invite my mom with us, and he tried to say he feels like I'm trying to raise our child with my mother, which is ironic bc my daughter barely ever sees my mother for a multitude of reasons. Then he tried to say that I'm completely disregarding his opinions on everything in regards to our child.

Lastly, he then tried to say I'm taking her only for myself to which I countered how I take her literally everywhere else with me outside of work. He said, "then leave her home with me." Here's the problem(s) with that:

1. he doesn't like to be bothered on Saturdays, so if I ever want to go out without DD, I have to find someone else ASIDE FROM MY OWN HUSBAND AND FATHER OF MY CHILD to watch DD bc he "needs a day" to himself, ON TOP of the 5-15hrs/week he gets alone after work
2. even if I do leave DD with DH, MIL/SIL complain to me about them having her the entire time I'm gone
3. he told me to leave her with him, but whenever I want to or even have to go out alone for a few hours, I'm essentially begged/forced to take her with me (wax appointments, all doctor's appointments, going out with any of my childless friends)

Am I really crazy to want to take DD to certain places literally DEDICATED to children of all ages because I want photo/video memories of her from a young age?

You have bigger problems than whether it's ok to take a baby to the museum- which obviously it is.

How do you feel about your relationship in general?

What made you think it was a good idea to have a child with him? There must've been signs before you became pregnant.

YANBU to enjoy spending time doing nice things with your baby, they're constantly learning and all new environments will have an impact.

Your photo opportunities are the least of your problems here. It’s also a stupid point, taking her solely for ‘photo opportunities’ would be daft, but actually she can still see and enjoy things at this age, the fact that that she won’t remember it doesn’t mean it’s not worth showing her things. But obviously your biggest problem is your DP and his shitty attitude to you and your child.

It’s a pity you have had a child with him. I feel sorry for her having a useless disinterested man as her father.

I was with you until you said you wanted photos and videos.

I know, and can definitely see many, but at this moment, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

As much as I love DD, the pregnancy was a complete surprise, but I also couldn't see myself either having an abortion or giving her up for adoption.

As said above, the issue is much bigger than should you take your daughter to the zoo because a) she’s your child and as such you’re entitled to take her wherever the hell you like and b) he’s not actually interested in doing anything with her. He doesn’t want to go to these places because he’s bloody lazy and can’t be bothered but instead of saying that he’s making out your crazy for even thinking about doing it.

Apologies if I’m projecting here but my ex was like this, needed a day at the weekend all to himself so despite the fact I worked Sundays my parents had to have our kids while he sat at home on his arse.

Yes, I know the photo opportunities are a stupid point, but it's just one of many, mostly being the fact that I love taking her out and spending quality time with her, watching her explore her surroundings, and enjoy herself as much as she can on top of learning. Whenever I take her out, I typically forget to take any photos just because I'm just enjoying my time with her, as much as I intend on taking them to keep as physical memories of our times together.

One of DS’s favourite activities is sitting on my lap and looking through photos and videos on my phone of me and him doing things together when he was a toddler. He doesn’t remember it, obviously, but loves hearing the stories and looking at the pictures. If anything I wish I had more taken photos and videos of his baby/toddler years, so I had more to show him.

I just like them, not the main reason for me taking her, that was just the excuse I used with him to try to justify me taking her with me seeing how he can't see her enjoying herself, learning anything, or remembering anything until she's at least 2 years old.

And that's kinda what happens here. He JUST told me, "then leave her here with me!" But completely forgot the fact that he's told me on multiple occasions he needs 1hr to himself after work (which normally turns into 3hr 5 days/week), he needs Saturday to himself because that's his "only free day", Sundays I work, but he usually asks me to give DD to MIL/SIL, which they then complain to me about bc they're fed up with his BS, and he gets annoyed anytime I attempt to ask him to do anything on a Saturday if he's not the one to initiate it. He has set up so many "boundaries/rules" it's getting tiresome trying to respect all of them to the point where I just tell myself to just leave him alone and basically let him do what he wants.

I don't quite get what you mean. It's like you want the photos, rather than you want to see her have a wonderful time and in turn you will too (and take photos of that). I want to have special baby focused days out with her and really enjoy our time together etc should be the priority, not I want photos.

Saying there's no point making her happy until she can remember is like saying there's no point making someone with dementia happy because they won't remember. Quite a horrible ignorant attitude.

But the bigger (real) issue is that your husband is selfish and doesn't want a family. What's the plan to address the power imbalance here? Are you preparing to be a single mum just in case things aren't going to improve? What other support do you have? You're only young. You will be absolutely fine without this guy if it comes to it.

You sound like a lovely mum.
Ignore what ppl are saying about the photos of course you want memories and you're enjoying lovely days out with her- she will be learning about the world, learning words and bonding with you which are all great for your development. Taking her shopping etc also good for her (even if less enjoyable for you!)

I'm so sorry about your partner and what he's saying. So on the one hand he doesn't want to go with you to things, but on the other he doesn't want you and your mum going to things without him. What is his problem! It's like he doesn't want to make any effort but he doesn't want her showing him up either.

I'm a single mum to a baby now and although the breakup was traumatic ( I didn't choose it) I would prefer my life now to begin with a partner with that attitude to me and my baby.

Pa why does he have time alone after work? Does he go out without you?

Words/adequate communication aren't my strong suit; I take her out initially for bonding time, that's always my #1 priority - bonding and her development, but I want photos/videos to look back on after the fact. I don't want her to grow up and have no baby/childhood photos to look back on, or photos of her years and years apart. I want to be able to relive moments I've spent with her through the photos/videos I take with/of her when we're both older. I don't want her to be an adult and I have no pictures of her from when she was my little baby to look back on when she's off in the world on her own.

He doesn't even go out, he just wants to sit at home playing his games or watching TV. He takes time after work and on the weekend to literally just do whatever he wants in the house. Period.

Hi OP
firstly, Idont know why people are giving you a hard time re the photo comment. Of course you want memories to show and share with her.
Its not as if OP has said she wants to be an Instagram influencer and use her child as a prop 🤣 it’s a normal thing to do when you go places, take a photo to keep for later.

anyway, I’m wondering if your DH is disengaged because of baby’s age. A lot of men struggle to engage with younger babies due to lack of interaction/ability - although it’s no excuse. I don’t think it’s your job to build that relationship, it’s his, as a father.

secondly, if he isn’t gonna go with you to places you can take whoever the hell you want.
she’s your dd, not just his. Don’t let him control what you do as a mother.

and finally; I took my 4mo to the aquarium and he loved it! Sensory!!! So you go enjoy your time with your dd. This time flies by, enjoy it!

Ignoring the other issues, it’s not unreasonable at all if it’s baby suitable- aquariums are great for babies but I don’t think they are bothered at all about going on the London Eye or visiting the Tower of London.

You sound lovely, OP. I think it's normal to want to take pictures and videos with your child as they grow up and explore new things. Not sure why you are getting such a hard time about that point.

Your DH is useless though. That's your biggest issue. He sounds really self centered.

firstly, Idont know why people are giving you a hard time re the photo comment. Of course you want memories to show and share with her.

It's because she says

"Am I really crazy to want to take DD to certain places literally DEDICATED to children of all ages because I want photo/video memories of her from a young age?"

Which makes it sound like that's why she's taking her to the zoo or whatever whereas some people wouldn't think that. They would take a child to the zoo because they would imagine that they would enjoy the zoo. That day when they were there.

I thing doing things with your baby is a really lovely idea and having some photos to remember the good times is lovely too.

I have a little sympathy that if money is tight, you can do lovely bonding things that are cheaper than the zoo as a baby will enjoy the fish tanks at a big garden centre as much. But if money isnt tight Or this is your priority its fine.

I dont think babies remember much but i think the experience helps their development.

Im also a big believers that mums put themselves last all the time. And you enjoy it and will remember it and you have value.

Your husband is basically not on board with being a father and doesn’t seem to be on board with being a partner to you either. His focus is on work , playing his games and getting rid of his baby when you are not there to look after her.
And he likes to criticise the way you parent while doing none himself!
He’s not going to improve so I would gradually plan to make a life without him. Negativity is such a joy killer; bad for you and bad for your baby.
And yes it’s perfectly normal to take your baby out and enjoy doing things with her.

Agree

Of course it's lovely to go to zoos and aquariums with a 1 year old. You'll see her enjoying it even if it's not something she remembers when she's older. It's a lovely day out.

Unfortunately your problem is your DH. He sounds an absolute misery and is a lazy father. I'm sorry you are in that position.