So how have your parents f*cked you up? (Because I know they have one way or another)

[AriesCantYouTell]

Before I continue, my mum now in adulthood is like my best friend. I couldn't raise DS without her she is brilliant.

HOWEVER, because of my mum's issues during my upbringing I now have a terrible relationship with food, I have low self esteem, I have had a crap string of relationships because of this. (Am now a single parent).

Sorry to sound negative, but we all know children absorb their parents traits like a sponge.

How have your parents affected you? And what will you do (or have done) differently raising your own children?

I am the world’s crap pest cook because my mum and dad never taught us (both were good cooks!). Aside from that, no problems really- I could done with them talking us out of buying our apartment 15 years ago🤔😂

I won't drive on a motorway.
Learnt behaviour from my mum.

I have a very messed up relationship with food.
I have body dysmorphia.

And I absolutely cannot cry.

I am so insecure about people abandoning me and that if I argue with someone then they will harm themselves all Due to my father committing suicide.

I have no relationship with my extended family:( and they’re great but every time I get together with them (weddings, birthdays etc) she will have a go at me for getting close to them. Only she is allowed to and she’s bitter and resentful if we do. This is my dad’s side. and even her side of the family. She didn’t even have a bad relationship with them! She gets on with them. My dad died 30 years ago. But believes we should only get on with her, and if they communicate with us it would be through her. (I’m 46!) She’s done that to literally everyone and so we keep a distance with her just to be able to get on with family and friends. She would if she could, have us getting on with no one except her. Wow can’t believe I just said that and now I feel so much better.

Oh hugs to you so hard. Mmm holding hands <

Have you ever read This be the verse by Philip Larkin?

Not really sure I definitely have issues. Most recent I moved out at 16 moved into a boyfriends house now married 23 years. But at the time I moved out I was basically living at home alone. My mum had an affair when I was 13 and moved to the other side of town and my brother went to stay with her and her new man. So I was home alone my dad had met a women who was married and she left her husband got a flat and my dad stayed there. Paid all bills and made sure there was plenty of food and money but I was alone. He might have nipped in once or twice a week to get bits.
Ever since then in 23 years he has never rung me once on the phone he will nip to my house once every 2 or 3 months. But if I want to speak to him I have to ring. Alway felt like I got to 16 and it was bye

Now my daughter moved out on Friday and am I thinking should i be messaging her, seeing how she is and how it's going or do I let her get on with it and let her contact me. But I felt let down by my dad even now.

Stupid
Sal

Virtual hug to you twochocolateoranges. My dad died when I was in my teens. My partner recently committed suicide,this has had a more profound effect on me than my dad dying of natural causes. Best wishes to u.

I can't bear raised voices or any outward signs of even passive aggression even if they're not focused toward me - emotionally abusive father.

Said father left my mother because he wasn't attracted to her after 2 kids. I've just had my first child with my partner of 10 years and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried he will do the same to me. My partner wouldn't, ever, but it's a fear nonetheless.

After he left I was an emotional crutch for my mother. I knew and worried far too much about finances and her mental health as a 9 year old. I'm still extremely bitter about it to be honest and it has shaped my personality and definitely driven my anxiety and how I handle my money.

I will 100% make sure my son never worries about anything a child shouldn't have to. He'll have a carefree childhood for sure.

Absolutely nothing, because although you don't seem to want to admit it, (judging by your title) some people do have good, long lasting relationships with their parents. All the things I have absorbed from my parents are positive.

I don’t drink at all. My family aren’t alcoholics (well some are, but my parents aren’t), but they like a drink and used to regularly have parties. The thing is, my mum gets very drunk and her personality completely changes. She just doesn’t know when to stop, and then changes. I’ve always hated it, and it still makes me uncomfortable now I’m an adult with my own kids. So now, I don’t drink, at all

Made me very risk adverse. They saw anything to do with spending too much money as being risky. This stopped me doing things I wanted (as didn’t want to disappoint them). I really needed to move to London for my career but they said it was too risky buying a property in London!!! I would have been a lot better off now if I hadn’t been so scared of what they thought. I was always worried about disappointing them. However I can’t hold it against them as emotionally and financially they have helped me lots.

My parents did things which could have affected me, but they didn't because I am an individual and in control of my own life, my own thoughts, and my own responses. Aside from abuse and neglect, surely if your parents aren't perfect (and none are, including the young mums on MN who think they are) then you learn from their mistakes.

I probably should be a bit fucked up. I get told my parents were abusive because they spanked me. But call me stockholmey but I'm.glad they did. I was a stubborn fucker and I'd have sat on stairs or starved in my room.for hours...

I think I'm a pretty strong amd resilient person. My insecurities/hang ups that i do have about myself, my body or whatever are nothing to do with my parents they are just me.

Perhaps the only negative I absorbed from my parents, was having spotted how weirdly dependant on my dad my mum was im perhaps a bit too " ill do it/sort it/do what I want when I want " which i expect makes me a less than ideal girlfriend because I want to want people in my life, not need them. But if the alternative is to pretend to not be able to carve a chicken so a man can feel needed then its definitely the lesser of two evils.

I was sexually molested by one parent whilst the other knew about it and allowed it. The gaslighting about it by calling me a liar and making me out to be crazy has really made my adult life very, very difficult. There was other abusive behaviour alongside this but this is the worst of it because I suffer from derealisation and flash backs because of it.

This.

You have made a very odd assumption in your thread title.

Hate hugging people cos we were not a cuddly family. Quite the opposite. Just find it awkward and cringeful.

@2chocolateoranges

Thank you for sharing, that is seriously tough. 😣

I have a from birth disability and constantly received negativity from my parents that i needed to be The Least Disabled Person To Ever Live in order to be acceptable. Since of course I WAS disabled hiding it wasn't possible literally.I was left in no doubt that my disability was an embarrassment. One of my siblings bullied me mercilessly and I was also bullied in the unsuitable high school my DM insisted I was sent to.

I had no self esteem left and was developing mental health issues by the age of about 12.

Although this may have been a dig (probably, who cares) I agree. You absolutely learn from your parents mistakes. My mum's parenting skills has shaped my parenting skills and I'm so grateful for that

@BCBird yes I have actually!

Same

Also no financial awareness as an adult for donkeys years, as anything to do with money was strictly not discussed 'in front of the children' as a result we were a car crash financially when our DC were little and that has impacted on them too. I feel so guilty about that!

Absolutely insistent on total independence (particularly financial) to the point that I won't accept any kind of favours at all.

My mother was and still is trapped in an abusive marriage of 20 years as she doesn't have her own money to leave him. It was always every excuse under the sun (wait till the kids finish school/uni/move out/dog dies, etc). Obviously all of these happened, but she's still trapped due to her total lack of emotional and financial independence; and I don't have the kind of money to help her either.

I’m not great at communication in my relationship - I can express my needs but if they get challenged/ dismissed etc then I can get quite blunt and annoyed. I walk away from arguments quite a lot. I struggle to find soothing empathetic ways to find solutions to our relationship issues and prefer to have a period of cooling down and then resuming normal life without either of us actually repairing the relationship. So we just do this on repeat every week.

NB have divorced parents and DH has unhappily married parents. We tried counselling once but DH refused to participate after 6th session