Second birthday of lost baby

[Littlelighthouse]

Our first child sadly passed away in 2021 when I was 33 weeks pregnant. He has always, and will always, be a huge part of our family. We talk about him daily, have photos and mementos around the house etc.
Since his death we were very lucky to welcome a rainbow baby, our daughter who is now 10 months old.
Since she was born we obviously don't have the time to do certain activities to honour our son as we did before she was born. For example, I used to visit his grave 4/5 times a week, and now we manage to get there once a week (though that can be a push!) It fills me with enormous guilt, even though as I said, we still remember and talk about him at home everyday.
Now we're approaching his second birthday at the end of the month, and I want to do something special to honour him. Last year we spent the day going back and forth to his grave with different family members and close friends who left him little gifts and cards. The day was as lovely as it could be under the circumstances.
This year, again, I know that won't be possible with our little girl. But it's extremely important to me that he has a special day, just as his sister will on her birthday. Has anyone else been in a similar position and have any ideas of things we can do to celebrate him?
We unfortunately can't go away anywhere as his birthday falls on a Thursday and we only have his actual birthday booked off work.
Thank you all for your help xx

Firstly, I’m so sorry for the loss of your darling boy. I’m in a very similar position - we lost our twins in 2021 and have a 9month old ‘rainbow baby. This year, one our twins 2nd birthday we have a wedding to attend and I’m so conflicted about going to a happily event on that day.
But, some ideas you could do - if you have a garden you could plant some forget me not plants maybe? We bought some huge pots (so if we ever move house we can bring them with us) and painted their names on and then planted forget me not flowers. It’s a little gesture but something your daughter might also find fun and get to watch the flowers bloom each year. You could also do a balloon release (although some people might think that isn’t environmentally friendly :-/) or you could visit a UK beach, we did this when in the thick of grief and my husband and I still have a pebble each from that beach. There’s something I find really calming about being by the water to remember and talk about your son.
happy heavenly birthday to your son, for when the day comes xxx

@HavingFaith I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your twins. They are wonderful ideas, thank you so much 💙 xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. But can I just alskyou to be aware of the effect on your little girl if you continue to talk about your first baby every day, visit his grave so frequently, and have a very intense day on his birthday?

There are significant concerns these days about the rainbow baby tag (which is relatively new) for children who follow a loss. They don't have the cognitive understanding of what's going on, and now that the first 'rainbow children' are becoming of an age to be able to express their feelings, there seem to be issues of survivor's guilt and feeling that they're always connects somehow to a child that died, or indeed never lived. Some have said that they don't feel that they exist fully as a person in their own right.

Maybe you can use the practical constraints to start thinking about how you can remember your first baby more privately. I recognize that grief is enormously difficult. You carried that little one for 33 weeks. But while remembering him, please bear in mind what your DD is hearing and experiencing when she starts to take in what is happening. She is your priority.

Do you have grief counsellor by any chance? If so, maybe they could help you manage the guilt that you're obviously feeling about scaling down the rituals.

Wishing you all the best. I have suffered a different loss, but I know grief all too well.

I love @HavingFaith 's idea about the beach and the forget me nots. I have a very beautiful climbing rose that is nurtured with great care (while the rest of the garden goes to pot, mostly!)

These things help.

@saraclara I understand and appreciate what you're saying, but you do not know me or my family from the short snippet I have posted.
My post was not about how to reduce my son's memory or remember him privately, it was about to how honour him on the one 'special' day he has.
When I say we talk about our son everyday I don't mean we sit pining for him to come back and telling our daughter how lucky she is to be alive. I mean we include him in our thoughts such as 'night night (son), we love you', just the same as we say to our daughter.
I am a very aware of survivor's guilt and it is something that we are already very conscious of, and will continue to be as our daughter grows. It's also a hurdle we cannot pass until she older. However, I have two children, therefore growing up my daughter will always be aware of her big brother.
I'm also aware that my daughter is my priority. She has never witnessed the dark side of the grief we have felt with our son, and we have no intention of her ever doing so. We don't even expect her to be interested or particularly bothered about him as she grows up, we understand that to her he never really existed. It's not something we would be offended by.

Again, I understand and appreciate your message, but it was not what was intended of the post and some of the suggestions are quite hurtful. I know this wasn't your intention, but as I said, I've put very basic information in my post and was just looking for ideas about honouring him on his birthday.

Are you having any grief counseling?

I appreciate you want to do something special. Please don't do a balloon release. Perhaps you could light a candle and write a message to your son and put it in a special jar.

I had the same thoughts as @saraclara If I'm honest but you followed up saying you are well aware of the potential affect on your youngest so you have that in hand.

I appreciate all of your comments, but again, this post was about ideas to honour my son on his birthday.
@momonpurpose yes, I have had grief/trauma counselling. I am also a qualified counsellor myself.
I appreciate your concerns for my daughter, but I can assure you all (though unsure why I have to), that I am aware she is my priority as my only living child and she will never feel second best to her brother. But again, she is only 10 months old.

When a parent/grandparent dies we do not forget that individual. We still talk about them in memories we may have, or look through photos and reminisce about times together.
When a baby dies, there sadly are no memories that have been made. But that does not erase that child from your family. As parents, it is normal to want to keep the child's memory alive in someway, whether that be photos around the house, talking to them/about them, or honouring them on their special days. It's also normal to talk about them to your living children. Again, you wouldn't avoid telling a child about a deceased parent or grandparent. You also wouldn't find it strange to know someone was honouring their deceased relative.
We are almost two years on from my son's death and in a completely different head space. But his birthday is, and always will be, his day. Just as my daughter's birthday will always be her day. The guilt I feel is not reflective of my daughter. It's also normal.

@saraclara please don't tell anyone how to grieve/not grieve for their baby. You have no right to suggest she does it in private, away from her child. She lost her baby boy only 2 years ago. To put it into context, that was only 24mths ago. Its still very raw. Even though she has her Rainbow baby, it'll never stop her from thinking/talking about her baby boy. I am talking from experience as 9 years ago, next month, I gave birth prematurely to twins who didn't survive. My children know they have older sisters and I've talked about them quite frequently. It's never made them feel second best or anything. They know how lucky I feel they're here & they're loved as much as my first borns are.

@HavingFaith I've just seen you've mentioned losing twins too. I'm sorry you feel the same pain as I did. I'm so glad you got your Rainbow baby❤ if you ever want to talk about your twins, please PM me.

@Littlelighthouse So sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Before I had kids, my DH would celebrate our twins anniversary/birthday just by being together. Now we have 2 under 7, we have a family day out and talk to our children briefly about their big sisters. There is no right or wrong way to remember him on his birthday. 💙

@winniedapooh thank you very much for your kind words and suggestions. I'm so, so sorry about the loss of your girls 🩷

Could you maybe plant a fruit tree? An apple or a pear.

You could think about him while you tend to it and make something lovely with the fruits when they're ready.

I realise this might not fall on the birthday, but as time goes on it might be a lovely way to remember him with an action since it might become impractical to visit the grave so often.

Sorry for your loss x

I meant you could plant the tree on his birthday.

In a big pot if you're renting, and then it can come with you wherever you go.

@tinyshoppingbasket that's a lovely idea, thank you xx

I'd choose something that blooms at the time of the birthday. You're helped by the birthday being at the end of June, when flowers are abundant.

As well as the climbing rose that I have, we already had a large poppy that bloomed pretty much exactly on my family members birthday every year before he died. It continued to do so for a decade afterwards, before it finally disappeared.

But a garden centre could give you advice on a beautiful long lasting flowering shrub that you could rely on flowering in your child's memory every June.

I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful baby. When my grandmother lost her 6 year old to measles, she was overcome by grief. Every morning she got up early, put her younger children in the pram and trailed across town to visit his grave. She was heavily pregnant, and she would sit by his grave and cry. One day a grave digger approached her and told her he'd seen her every morning, and that she wasn't doing herself or her other children any good. "Your bairn is not in that grave, he's in your heart, and you carry him with you wherever you are" She took notice of his wise words, and cut down her visits to once a month.
In your position I would plant a little flower bed, or pot if you don't have a garden, maybe get a sign with his name, and I'd use a bubble machine to use with your baby. Please don't release balloons. Bubbles are much better.

My real ds2 was stillborn 35+2 or 36 weeks (depending where you want to start counting from, no heat beat or actual birth/ exit). He would have been 8 year old right now. Most people know about him and my alive children randomly mention him and my nine year old like to insist I tell everyone about him. I just bake a cake and we all blow the candle 🕯 on ds2 birthday. Only the immediate family. We then make a small prayer. It is not only an incredibly sad day, but it was also one of the best days of my life. I got see his beautiful face and hold him. If I can't celebrate that moment owise f intense love, nothing else is worth celebrating. Death is part of life and I think it wise to normalise it early on. Do what you are comfortable with op. I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

We have planted a special tree in our garden for our son and have a little plaque for him that was painted by a friend of ours. We also have lots of photos up and so remember him every day.

On his birthday we do go to his grave and (just me my OH and our baby daughter) and then go for cake at a place nearby. At home we look at photos and videos of him (he had a genetic disorder and died when he was 18 months old).

I was going to suggest planting something too, I love my garden and watching plants grow and bloom, plus if you plant something which flowers you'll hopefully attract bees and butterflies, or like the previous suggestion of a fruit tree so you will always think of him when you eat the fruit

Hi, I am so sorry for the loss of your son and that you need to navigate this complicated path. My first son was stillborn at full term and his little brother was 8 months on his 2nd birthday last year. It was different from the 1st birthday but like you, we were very conscious of wanting to have a day which celebrated our first child. We did some 'random acts of kindness' in his name; one of those was to give a little money to a small local soft play centre where he would have gone to play and asked them to let the first few children who came on his birthday to go in for free. We baked a simple cake and decorated it - his wee brother had his first experience of cake and candles. We went for lunch. As well as a family walk, I took some time on my own for a walk earlier in the day and wrote his name in the sand as well as just spending some time with my thoughts. I was quite apprehensive as the first year was completely focussed on our first child where there's a natural shift with time and the arrival of another baby but actually despite not planning anything fancy. it was as lovely as this could ever be and more memories created. All the very best.

You could get a giant bubbles kit and make a yearly thing of taking your lovely daughter somewhere special and blowing/waving giant bubbles for her brother to catch in heaven?

www.babipur.co.uk/dr-zigs-bubble-pocket-kit.html

Some lovey practical ideas to honour your lovely son.
I appreciate times are tight but what about a small donation to a charity in lieu of the money you might have spent on a party/presents?

I've been tackling my own grief lately (parent not child) and have taken great peace and comfort from spreading goodness and joy in that persons memory. Like she's still here and impacting the world in a positive way

A 10 month old might be a little young to "help" but my friend always bakes a cake with her other children for her child who was born sleeping on her birthday. They sing happy birthday and all eat the cake and from what I gather the children seem to enjoy it. It seems like a pretty simple idea but I think it's lovely for all of the family.

Shocked at certain comments on this post, OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I also think planting some flowers, a tree & some ornaments etc in your garden would be lovely. You could also get a plaque for this, and create a little memorial garden. Your little girl could help you water the trees and plants, and she will see as she gets older, how loved her big brother was ❤️🦋

Xx

When I lost my baby, I chose to share with others how I felt about the loss.

It resulted in the mothers of 2 close friends telling them about babies that had been born and lost before them. The parents had been encouraged not to talk about their losses and had kept their grief all bottled up. Both of my friends were pleased their parents shared with them and wished the babies hadn't been secret.

My own rainbow babies grew up knowing about their losses sibling and are not uncomfortable with it. We celebrate his birthday every year.

It may be outing but each child in the family get a new Christmas tree decoration each year on his birthday and we put them on the tree.

When they leave home my living children will each have a starter set of treasured decorations to go on their own trees to supplement the standard baubles and they'll think about their brother and home when they put them on the tree.

I've also got some jewellery with feet prints on copied from his hospital feet prints and miniaturised.

Years ago we did balloon releases etc. but I wouldn't do that now.

I like the idea of big bubbles someone suggested above 😊

I'm sorry for your loss but focus on the baby you actually have. Make every day special and cherish every single moment with your baby.

Ps. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings but that is my opinion.