WWYD - comments about young DC's body

[wwydhere23]

NC for this.

Just want to get some opinions from here about something that happened yesterday.

My family and I went out with another family of three (we both have DDs who are 4 - we have been friends with the family for about 18 months, girls are at the same preschool). The girls were playing happily together on the swings - we had been out for a couple of hours by this point, girls doing their thing running around and adults chatting about various things.

Our DD was being pushed on the swing by their DD. Her father then made a comment out of the blue that our DD has “footballers legs“ (only adults heard this thankfully). Our DD is 108cm and 18kg which puts her at a very healthy midway BMI/centile. She loves to be active and eats well, with of course being allowed treats (not that this should be relevant but just providing the info).

What would you do with this comment? I’m happy to give my opinion but don’t want to sway anyone’s advice.

That’s a very specific comment to make lol but I would take it as a compliment. Footballer legs are strong and muscular . Although what an odd comment .

I never want her to equate looks with self worth

Its a lovely idealistic aim as a parent but let’s face it, we live in an image obsessed world.
As a parent you can model this view to your dd but you can’t police everyone around her.

As it stands this fairly inoffensive comment was intended to be light hearted so I honestly think you’re reading far too much into it.

It's positive (or it should be) for girls to be described as strong and powerful and athletic. My DD is 15yo and is a county netball player. She's slim around the waist, but her thighs are strong and muscly and twice the size of some of her friends'. It's a good thing! OP, by treating this as a body shaming comment I think maybe you are projecting some of your own prejudices?

People dismissing it are weird. Of course it’s wrong and I like the response did you mean to say that/what did you mean?
don’t worry about not saying anything at the time, most of MN posts are about people not saying anything at the time, we all think of things after the fact.you’ll be on the look out for next time.

This.

It feels like a non-creepy compliment? Or even observation.

Like, you have broad shoulders so you might be a good swimmer, or you have long fingers like a pianist.

I think it’s good to observe/comment that our girls have strong legs or generally legs that serve greater purpose than being ogled at by men.

@DucksNewburyport - you see I strongly disagree with you here. The great thing about your DD is that she is a county netball player. Her physical attributes are not relevant.

This is how we end up with all the shit about Serena Williams and what she looks like rather than the fact that she is phenomenal tennis player.

Footballers legs, are dd's legs very hairy too? A daft through away remark from dad, many men don't engage brains before opening their mouths anyway.

Throw away remark😊

Probably meant strong legs. We say our middle child has tree trunk legs. She is very very smil, but the strength of 10 men there!

I see nothing wrong with the ‘footballer’s legs’ comments because footballers are strong and nimble and fit- but Christ alive, please stop saying your daughter has ‘tree trunk legs’.

as someone with lipadema (resulting in very thick legs) - ‘tree trunk legs’ is an insult, never used positively and not Something you want your daughter thinking about herself

What if he'd said she had piano player fingers? The comment about footballer legs wouldn't even flag with me - I would assume the man enjoys football and was offering a compliment. I think perhaps you're looking too closely into this and it's your perception that is on show. I don't see how comparing her to highly trained professional sportsmen and women would be problematic.

@TheReverendBeeb yes, that's a fair point, I do agree with you there. I guess what I mean is that if someone does comment on my DD's appearance, perhaps it would be better to make no comment at all, but if there is a comment I'm happy with "strong" or similar (whereas the OP saw it as a negative).

Really, really do NOT say this to your child. It will hurt the most coming from her parents.

I wouldn't dp anything because im certain it wasn't meant maliciously. I think your response is more likely to be damaging than anything in interpreting it as a bad thing.

If it was addressed to a little boy there would be no thought to it being anything other than a compliment. MiL has fond memories of DH being described as such .

@GoalShooter - yes I hear you and I have a football playing DD and have sometimes had to reference professional women's muscular thighs when she's had comments about how "chunky" she is compared with others. I just find it depressing that women in sport are still judged on their body's appearance rather than it's capabilities and it's quite insidious.

Sounds like she is naturally strong and muscular, and that's all the comment alludes to. I wouldn't waste any headspace on it.

A quick Google suggests he was saying your daughter is bow-legged. Is she bow legged?

Either way, fucking rude.

I didn't see that particular comment as anything other than an observation that was a bit banal but, what does come across, loud and clear is that men in particular appear to feel entitled to comment on female bodies... at every age, and it starts young.

He must just as easily have made a comment about 'footballer legs' to your child if they'd been male, OP, but he wouldn't keep commenting on a male child's physique. But he wouldn't necessarily leave off about commenting on your female child's body. Because he thinks it's ok to do that.

Nobody tells these men in strong enough terms to back off. However angrily a parent might take up that mantle, it never seems to quite get it done.

I'm with all the posters who've had to put up with being observed and commented about as a girl. "Oh, you're developing nicely". Said to me when I was about 9 and had started puberty... It's not ok.

This. I would've taken it as a compliment

This

Their DD is a few months younger and yes I suppose my DD looks 'stronger' (it feels very wrong commenting on their bodies).

I work in eating disorders and comments like this can be very destructive to young girls. I hear that many pps feel it's a neutral comment - I do feel it can be open to all sorts of interpretations which can be very thin ice for young women to hear.

It sounds like you think it's a bad thing. Being strong is a positive.

We know a family who say how sick to death they are of people commenting how tall their kids are.

I'm tall - was also tall as a dc. One of my friends dc is super tall & I always comment. I don't see how it's offensive plus one needs to get used to it!

I'd think he was saying her legs were fat/sturdy compared to the other child. I'm not sure I'd take it as a compliment tbh

Footballers have lean legs though not fat ones!

I never want her to equate looks with self worth

Good luck with that & in a work of social media & plastic surgery we have far more to worry about than a comment out of earshot.