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Original poster

WWYD - comments about young DC's body

83 replies

wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:08

NC for this.

Just want to get some opinions from here about something that happened yesterday.

My family and I went out with another family of three (we both have DDs who are 4 - we have been friends with the family for about 18 months, girls are at the same preschool). The girls were playing happily together on the swings - we had been out for a couple of hours by this point, girls doing their thing running around and adults chatting about various things.

Our DD was being pushed on the swing by their DD. Her father then made a comment out of the blue that our DD has “footballers legs“ (only adults heard this thankfully). Our DD is 108cm and 18kg which puts her at a very healthy midway BMI/centile. She loves to be active and eats well, with of course being allowed treats (not that this should be relevant but just providing the info).

What would you do with this comment? I’m happy to give my opinion but don’t want to sway anyone’s advice.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 10/06/2023 09:34

People have commented on my daughters '6 pack' numerous times and it's never bothered me - it's always been said when she can't hear.

DogsMenu · 10/06/2023 09:35

I don’t even know what he was trying to get at. Muscular maybe? The fact you have given us her weight/height, I presume you’re think he have been insinuating she was overweight? I don’t think it would have been that being as footballers are usually quite lean with muscle. Fuck knows!

I’d have said wtf does that mean. And most importantly, why on earth is he looking, thinking and then commenting anything on a child’s legs! He just sounds like a bit of a twat.

Gymmum82 · 10/06/2023 09:35

I would assume muscular strong legs and would take it as a compliment. If she loves to run and exercise she probably has muscular legs which is a wonderful thing

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Original poster
wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:36

Yes it was the other girl's father (not my DH) who made the comment. It was pretty much the end of the eve for us as we left shortly afterwards. I didn't respond and I really wish I had.

Their DD is a few months younger and yes I suppose my DD looks 'stronger' (it feels very wrong commenting on their bodies).

I work in eating disorders and comments like this can be very destructive to young girls. I hear that many pps feel it's a neutral comment - I do feel it can be open to all sorts of interpretations which can be very thin ice for young women to hear.

OP posts:
continentallentil · 10/06/2023 09:36

Nothing, he might well have meant she has strong looking legs, I wouldn’t assume he meant to be catty.

But it’s a throwaway remark and should be ignored and forgotten.

(Footballers have good legs.)

LovelyDaaling · 10/06/2023 09:36

Most footballers have lovely legs. Be happy and forget it. You are putting a negative spin on the comment and don't need to.

DeadbeatYoda · 10/06/2023 09:36

Would assume he meant strong looking, some little ones have legs l twigs. It wouldn't occur to me to get upset about it. There's nothing wrong with the way our England team look, they're all fab women.

Emanresu9 · 10/06/2023 09:38

I think you’re over analysing. It’s a good thing for girls to be told they are strong and powerful and athletic. Boys get told it all the time. Big up the girls too.

DogsMenu · 10/06/2023 09:42

All those saying it’s a compliment and be happy, it’s bloody weird that someone comments about a 4 year olds body. I mean, I know it’s not something I’d ever say.

Suprima · 10/06/2023 09:42

wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:36

Yes it was the other girl's father (not my DH) who made the comment. It was pretty much the end of the eve for us as we left shortly afterwards. I didn't respond and I really wish I had.

Their DD is a few months younger and yes I suppose my DD looks 'stronger' (it feels very wrong commenting on their bodies).

I work in eating disorders and comments like this can be very destructive to young girls. I hear that many pps feel it's a neutral comment - I do feel it can be open to all sorts of interpretations which can be very thin ice for young women to hear.

Which is why it would have been great for you to respond with a positive ‘Yep. She is very strong and healthy! She might play for England one day.’

Not being able to deflect a comment like this will have the opposite effect. DD will notice if you are looking for potential body shaming in every comment, and she will wonder why.

SmileyClare · 10/06/2023 09:46

Emanresu9 · 10/06/2023 09:38

I think you’re over analysing. It’s a good thing for girls to be told they are strong and powerful and athletic. Boys get told it all the time. Big up the girls too.

Agree.

I don’t think it’s realistic to say “It’s wrong to comment on children’s bodies EVER”

Whats wrong with commenting positively?

Is saying she has footballer’s legs such a negative?

I don’t think you can wrap your child in a bubble and never let them hear comments about appearance - from other adults, the media, their peers.
Concentrate on bringing her up to feel body positive and don’t fixate on her appearance yourself. 🤷‍♀️

Whatever your stance, this was a throwaway remark out of earshot. I think you’re taking it far too personally/ seriously on your dd’s behalf.

ghettihead · 10/06/2023 09:46

My Dad told me this when I was younger, it has always stuck in my mind. I know what he meant, some little girls legs can be very thin where as mine were thicker and had more shape. I was felt like it was a negative comment.

SideWonder · 10/06/2023 09:47

I’d just laugh. He’s showing his ignorance about child development for a start before we get onto his sexism.

Readyplayerthr33 · 10/06/2023 09:49

OP, you’re saying that comments like this can affect girls and cause eating disorders etc. But rather than tackle their own views of themselves, you want to police the comments? Why?

How about you raise your daughter to be strong and sporty, and then a comment that she is sporty and strong isn’t an insult.

Girls shouldn’t be raised to crave comments like dainty, gentle, delicate. They should be raised to enjoy comments like strong and athletic.

If the guy was saying it with an insulting tone then you approach the tone, and tell him that girls being strong and sporty is a good thing and if he wants to comment on it then he should do so as a compliment and not with an insulting tone. But don’t shut down all comments about girls being athletic.

Whataretheodds · 10/06/2023 09:52

Footballers have strong, toned, nimble legs. They need to be able to run, twist, turn and kick strongly and accurately. And accelerate and stop suddenly.

You have an opportunity to model positive framing of this.

Original poster
wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:53

Concentrate on bringing her up to feel body positive and don’t fixate on her appearance yourself

I agree with this and we don't. If I ever say anything about her legs, it is "I love these legs, they help you run, jump, etc" at which point she joins in with all the reasons she's thankful to have two legs. I never want her to equate her looks with her self worth.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 10/06/2023 09:54

DogsMenu · 10/06/2023 09:42

All those saying it’s a compliment and be happy, it’s bloody weird that someone comments about a 4 year olds body. I mean, I know it’s not something I’d ever say.

What do you mean by “weird”? You mean sexualised? I don’t think so.

You might not make a “footballer’s legs” comment (probably because you’re not a football obsessed man) but you’ve never commented on how tall a friend’s child is? Or commented on the crazy ringlets in their hair or something? said Aw look at her chubby cheeks, isn’t he tiny, look at his red hair, hasn’t she grown etc..?

4 year olds are little more than babies, it’s fine to make comments like this (amongst your adult friends) in my view.

TheReverendBeeb · 10/06/2023 09:54

Girls don't have to be raised to be anything except themselves.

Some will be sporty and some will have other interests.

Sorry but I hear exactly what OP is saying. No one needs to pass comment on a child's body. It's teaching kids that it's perfectly normal to pass comment on the outward appearance of others. To my mind it doesn't matter whether it's perceived to be positive or negative, nobody knows how it will be received.

dementedpixie · 10/06/2023 09:57

I'd think he was saying her legs were fat/sturdy compared to the other child. I'm not sure I'd take it as a compliment tbh

Original poster
wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:57

How about you raise your daughter to be strong and sporty, and then a comment that she is sporty and strong isn’t an insult

How do I know whether she wants to be sporty when she's older? Maybe she would prefer to focus on the arts or something. Fwiw she currently swims and plays sports but that's beside the point.

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WunWun · 10/06/2023 09:57

Top be clear, my friend who carried this "fact" about herself into adulthood took from it that she had manly, unattractive legs where as other girls didn't.

I'm surprised people are dismissing this tbh!

chimppyjamas · 10/06/2023 09:59

My grandad told me I had rugby players legs when I was about 10. It's one of the things that has led to lifelong weight problems and disordered eating 40 years later so I totally agree with your concerns.

Original poster
wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 09:59

We know a family who say how sick to death they are of people commenting how tall their kids are.

It's placing a lot of importance on how someone looks and yes, this can and does lead to poor body image.

OP posts:
TheReverendBeeb · 10/06/2023 09:59

Exactly @wwydhere23 - and I am surprised so many here feel it's appropriate to comment on aspects of a child's body. It's quite disappointing tbh.

Original poster
wwydhere23 · 10/06/2023 10:00

I'm sorry @chimppyjamas 😢 I fully fully hear you x

OP posts: