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Original poster

SAHM- what does your partner do to help?

49 replies

astronuts · 08/06/2023 16:53

My partner works hard. He has his main job and a few side jobs so I am able to stay at home and not go back to work. Our youngest is 2.

Sometimes he works from 6am-10pm, other days it could be less. He's always on his phone doing emails etc.

We have two children and I do everything. Housework, cooking, laundry, school runs.

My youngest still breastfeeds a lot; she's never slept through and feeds hourly/2 hourly.

I am exhausted. I don't get much help/respite at all. Occasionally my partner will take kids for a bike ride/swimming on a Sunday as that's usually his free day.

On a Saturday though, he leaves around 8am to go play golf and is back around 2-3pm. This is every week. He said he needs this day to unwind and try to relax. He states it's for his mental health.

My point (as always) is where is my mental health day? My 'job' is technically 24/7. If I don't get respite, I go insane. My patience wears and I get snappy. I'm currently there now and I'm struggling.

It always comes at a point where my partner is so busy he can't help me at all. But he still goes to golf. This is a right sticking point for me. I resent him for this and we have had the same numerous arguments over the years.

Am I being unreasonable? Should he get respite but not me?

I can't rely on my parents for help and his parents aren't involved. I'm just so tired. Our youngest has been teething and now is poorly so I'm not sleeping at all. I feel and look crap. I don't want to be touched.

Partner tries to initiate sex etc and I'm not interested. I still fancy him loads but I'm just too drained!!

Wondering if other partners are similar who work a lot/high pressures jobs. Am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
Maloneyb · 08/06/2023 17:26

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

your partner and you wanted children, he needs to spend a little more than a day with them, does he help with anything in the week at all?

i do think sacrifices have to be made and maybe golf should be sacrificed now and then, not always, but some days so you get some help.

could he cut down on work at all?
are you eligible for free nursery hours?

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:28

Maloneyb · 08/06/2023 17:26

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

your partner and you wanted children, he needs to spend a little more than a day with them, does he help with anything in the week at all?

i do think sacrifices have to be made and maybe golf should be sacrificed now and then, not always, but some days so you get some help.

could he cut down on work at all?
are you eligible for free nursery hours?

Yes I agree.

Sometimes he may finish work early and do bath time. Or a bike ride after work. But it's rare.

I have told him he needs to block out time in the week for me and he's agreed; unsure how long that'll last though as we've done similar before.

We aren't eligible for child free hours

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 08/06/2023 17:35

My dh works 50 to 80 hour weeks in a high pressure but well paid job. Despite that he helps with preschool pick ups/drop offs the days he's working from home. Takes them to their various extra curricular activities when he's available and when they were really small, would get up with me in the night/take a turn once they were weaned.

He has nights out (work/friends) and hobbies but so do I. We facilitate each other having a life.

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MrsSamR · 08/06/2023 17:44

Those are crazy hours and I get you're exhausted but surely if he's working that much he's bringing in a decent amount of money? Surely using some towards childcare - even a couple of mornings a week would help your sanity and mean you could have some time to yourself. You don't have to suffer! Also, and I don't mean to be harsh, a 2 year old does not need to be breastfeeding that much, if at all. Could you not cut down the feeds to leave you a bit less touched out and get some more sleep?

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:47

MrsSamR · 08/06/2023 17:44

Those are crazy hours and I get you're exhausted but surely if he's working that much he's bringing in a decent amount of money? Surely using some towards childcare - even a couple of mornings a week would help your sanity and mean you could have some time to yourself. You don't have to suffer! Also, and I don't mean to be harsh, a 2 year old does not need to be breastfeeding that much, if at all. Could you not cut down the feeds to leave you a bit less touched out and get some more sleep?

I'm not sure my 2 year old would settle at nursery if it's only two sessions of half days a week. It is a possible thought though! I was thinking maybe a nanny or mothers help might be a better option.

Re breastfeeding; I'm doing natural term weaning. I just follow her lead. But have started to think about night weaning.

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 08/06/2023 17:51

I’d cut down/out the breast feeding and put them in nursery two mornings a week. Our child went just two mornings each week to give sahd some time.

MrsSamR · 08/06/2023 17:54

astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:47

I'm not sure my 2 year old would settle at nursery if it's only two sessions of half days a week. It is a possible thought though! I was thinking maybe a nanny or mothers help might be a better option.

Re breastfeeding; I'm doing natural term weaning. I just follow her lead. But have started to think about night weaning.

Show quote history

Then with all due respect, this reads like one of those posts, of which there are many on Mumsnet, where the OP is offered genuine advice but refuses to take it. If you won't use childcare or give up breastfeeding and your husband is unwilling to give up his golf day or reduce his working hours then yes you will continue to be exhausted. You're in an incredibly fortunate position to be a SAHM. I work part-time and my eldest daughter is in nursery 3 days a week. Youngest will be starting in October. I'd love to be home with them but I need to work and nursery has been great for my DD's confidence, socialisation and independence so I have no regrets. Best of luck with everything but if you're not willing to change anything then nothing will change. It's simple.

Ostryga · 08/06/2023 17:56

Nursery is good for them anyway, it was very clear which children had never been away from their mum and they really suffered for it starting primary school. That’s when you get your ‘you’ time.

Definitely cut down on bf. At 2 Dd had a feed in the morning and one at night. Maybe once in the day if something scared her etc.

Your husband is working crazy hours so I would not begrudge 6 hours a week downtime. I assume he’s bringing in a decent wage that covered everything?

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:58

I really am not here to ask people for breastfeeding advice. I am happy for you all who cut down or stopped by 'x' time but this is our breastfeeding journey. I am following my child's lead and happy to do so.

OP posts:
Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:59

@MrsSamR I didn't say no to childcare, just no to nursery. I have been thinking of a nanny like I said in that previous post.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 08/06/2023 18:00

Then don’t bring it up as something that leaves you with no time. If that’s what you want to do it’s irrelevant and doesn’t need mentioning.

RinklyRomaine · 08/06/2023 18:00

Oof. You're so unreasonable breastfeeding. Your man needs a hot dinner and a rest. I can't stay at home so you should hate it.

Anyway. DH does about 60 hours a week, wfh which helps. He also does breakfast, one of 3 morning school runs, one collection, baths, getting dressed and one bedtime plus one child whatever wakings. Because they are his kids too and he loves them and wants to be their parent. He also loves me and knows I'm happiest when I'm a good mum and not an unappreciated drudge.

I don't work and I do much of the rest, I bf a toddler and we do all sorts of weird co sleeping.

Ref the bf...I am heartily sick of it most of the time. So it's bedtime and 1, 2, 3 stop if it's crucial any other time. It works for us.

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:00

Ostryga · 08/06/2023 17:56

Nursery is good for them anyway, it was very clear which children had never been away from their mum and they really suffered for it starting primary school. That’s when you get your ‘you’ time.

Definitely cut down on bf. At 2 Dd had a feed in the morning and one at night. Maybe once in the day if something scared her etc.

Your husband is working crazy hours so I would not begrudge 6 hours a week downtime. I assume he’s bringing in a decent wage that covered everything?

May I ask in what way they suffered? Just upset to go?

She will be going to preschool next year after she turns 3.

OP posts:
Maloneyb · 08/06/2023 18:00

astronuts · 08/06/2023 17:28

Yes I agree.

Sometimes he may finish work early and do bath time. Or a bike ride after work. But it's rare.

I have told him he needs to block out time in the week for me and he's agreed; unsure how long that'll last though as we've done similar before.

We aren't eligible for child free hours

Show quote history

In which case I think you need to find a middle ground here

either use some money to get some nursery time or find a way for him to cut his hours and spend more time.

something’s gotta give and it shouldn’t be at the expense of eithers mental health

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:01

Ostryga · 08/06/2023 18:00

Then don’t bring it up as something that leaves you with no time. If that’s what you want to do it’s irrelevant and doesn’t need mentioning.

I was more mentioning it due to her feeding at night; she can go without in the day if she's not with me or even if we are out most the day she won't have as much.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/06/2023 18:02

I think he could maybe do a bit more - moreso to build a relationship with his children than anything else - but there is a strong whiff of the martyr from your posts. I breastfed my daughter to 8 months but night feeds stopped well before that. As for every 2 hours with a 2 year old? That is a choice. As is not sending them to any kind of childcare.

usererror99 · 08/06/2023 18:03

Breastfeeding a 2 year old hourly I'm sorry is just ridiculous and you following this weaning pattern is contributing to why you feel you don't have a break. Sorry but that's self sabotage

Your husband is working hard to enable you to be a STAHM - if you don't like the fact he goes golfing for a few hours then perhaps think about going back to work to ease his load, you have a break from the kids and you can negotiate more down time

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:05

usererror99 · 08/06/2023 18:03

Breastfeeding a 2 year old hourly I'm sorry is just ridiculous and you following this weaning pattern is contributing to why you feel you don't have a break. Sorry but that's self sabotage

Your husband is working hard to enable you to be a STAHM - if you don't like the fact he goes golfing for a few hours then perhaps think about going back to work to ease his load, you have a break from the kids and you can negotiate more down time

I have said about going back to work numerous times; he has said no basically. This is due to the fact I would still have to do everything I do AND work as he wouldn't help still.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 08/06/2023 18:05

But you knew he was like this before children? I assume he didn’t do any housework etc before you had babies? If not, what did you think would change?

Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:06

usererror99 · 08/06/2023 18:03

Breastfeeding a 2 year old hourly I'm sorry is just ridiculous and you following this weaning pattern is contributing to why you feel you don't have a break. Sorry but that's self sabotage

Your husband is working hard to enable you to be a STAHM - if you don't like the fact he goes golfing for a few hours then perhaps think about going back to work to ease his load, you have a break from the kids and you can negotiate more down time

She's teething and currently poorly so yes the feeding has ramped up as she's not eating much food.

Usually it's 2-3 hourly in the night.

OP posts:
Original poster
astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:07

Ostryga · 08/06/2023 18:05

But you knew he was like this before children? I assume he didn’t do any housework etc before you had babies? If not, what did you think would change?

He did actually, he did school runs with eldest, their lunches and did dinner most nights too. But it just all suddenly stopped when we had our second.

OP posts:
Ostryga · 08/06/2023 18:08

How can he do dinner when he works until 10pm working multiple jobs?

What do you actually want him to do? To stop golf and take the children so you can have a day off? I think you need to work out exactly what you want and then sit down with him and discuss it.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/06/2023 18:09

And I know this isn't AIBU but you are being very unreasonable to use the term 'breastfeeding journey'. 🙄

MaudGonneOutForChips · 08/06/2023 18:10

astronuts · 08/06/2023 18:05

I have said about going back to work numerous times; he has said no basically. This is due to the fact I would still have to do everything I do AND work as he wouldn't help still.

Show quote history

And there’s your problem. Why are you asking his permission?

MrsSamR · 08/06/2023 18:11

MaudGonneOutForChips · 08/06/2023 18:10

And there’s your problem. Why are you asking his permission?

Show quote history

This. It's been done to death on Mumsnet but you are in an incredibly precarious position financially if he meets someone else and leaves. You need to go back to work and earn your own money to protect yourself. I'm sorry you just do.