SAHM- what does your partner do to help?

[astronuts]

My partner works hard. He has his main job and a few side jobs so I am able to stay at home and not go back to work. Our youngest is 2.

Sometimes he works from 6am-10pm, other days it could be less. He's always on his phone doing emails etc.

We have two children and I do everything. Housework, cooking, laundry, school runs.

My youngest still breastfeeds a lot; she's never slept through and feeds hourly/2 hourly.

I am exhausted. I don't get much help/respite at all. Occasionally my partner will take kids for a bike ride/swimming on a Sunday as that's usually his free day.

On a Saturday though, he leaves around 8am to go play golf and is back around 2-3pm. This is every week. He said he needs this day to unwind and try to relax. He states it's for his mental health.

My point (as always) is where is my mental health day? My 'job' is technically 24/7. If I don't get respite, I go insane. My patience wears and I get snappy. I'm currently there now and I'm struggling.

It always comes at a point where my partner is so busy he can't help me at all. But he still goes to golf. This is a right sticking point for me. I resent him for this and we have had the same numerous arguments over the years.

Am I being unreasonable? Should he get respite but not me?

I can't rely on my parents for help and his parents aren't involved. I'm just so tired. Our youngest has been teething and now is poorly so I'm not sleeping at all. I feel and look crap. I don't want to be touched.

Partner tries to initiate sex etc and I'm not interested. I still fancy him loads but I'm just too drained!!

Wondering if other partners are similar who work a lot/high pressures jobs. Am I being ungrateful?

Why don't you get a part time job and then use the extra money for a cleaner and some extra childcare for when you are not working.

Also you need to have a regular evening off. Like every Wednesday night go to pilates or see friends.

Why?

Because it’s a bit nauseating?

I think your dh could step up more. Maybe golf every other week?

but how do you get your “me time” / break if you’re insistent that that hourly breast feeding is not negotiable?

Because it seeks to elevate the perfectly mundane thing of feeding your child into some kind of story or quest or that what you are doing is particularly special. If someone used that term around me, I'd immediately think 'dose'. Sorry but you did ask.

OP, I’m sorry you are getting a kicking for having the audacity to be a SAHM and breastfeed your child, ignore the weirdos.

Unfortunately though- this is not a man you can SAH for. As you have said, you would have to do EVERYTHING if working outside the home. He gives you no downtime. He doesn’t give a shit.

I’m a breastfeeding SAHM with the archetypical ‘big important man job’ oft uttered on here AND side hustles. My husband still gets up with the baby and gives her breakfast so I can sleep in and get myself ready for the day. I have an hour on an evening to exercise. He’s done the evening parenting solo twice a week so I can finish my masters. Weekend are family time, he doesn’t take himself off to play golf.

Staying at home when you have littlies can be great, but it will become utterly soul destroying if you do this for a man who sees you as a household appliance.

I would stay off message boards tbh if such ‘mundane’ things upset you

do you like reading back your own posts and feeling smug or something?

Firstly, you are in a very precarious position because you seem to be unmarried. You have given up your job, your pension, your ability to earn as the longer you are out of work the harder it will be to get back into it. Of course your partner doesn't want you to go back to work because he doesn't want to do any of the housework nor any of the responsibility of any children. A nanny might be a good solution but you are their employer so that comes with payroll, contracts etc. People are suggesting a nursery because you are then unavailable as the child is out of the house.

Secondly, he doesn't need to be working until 10pm, he chooses to do this to get out of parenting. You have convinced yourself that your child will not settle at nursery. I am a long term sahm due to disability, Ds2 went to playgroup 2 mornings a week for 2 hours from 2. Your partner golfs because you have probably never just left the house and said I'll be back in a few hours, never claimed time for yourself. Usually this pattern revolves around a sahm falling into the weekend being "family time" meaning that the Dad never solo parents, ever. I have seen this with friends.

Dh worked long hours, sometimes 50-60 a week, however, every Sunday morning I got a lie in, he got up with both children. He was here for dinner every night even if that meant taking a break from work to return to it later that evening. He did bath times, stories every single night. He also got up in the night, Ds2 was a poorly baby and needed extra care, we slept in shift patterns to ensure each of us got a solid block of sleep. This meant he has a very loving relationship with his children, always spent one on one time with them, did school runs, attended sports days. An involved parent.

Also using the word "help" means you see it as your job to do it all and he merely helps you with that. In reality it is called both parenting and adulting. He has a job, yours is to look after the house and children whilst he is at work. When he is home you really should have the same amount of down time. So claim yours, stop waiting for it to be handed to you. I am trying to help you because the resentment will build that he gets to waltz off to golf and you are not "allowed" the same freedom.

You won't find anyone more pro bfing than me, both of mine were bfed til 3.

However, if you're exhausted and touched out the first thing you can do is night wean. If you're not prepared to change anything to make improvements for yourself then why should he?

Seems unfair to expect your husband to give up his one outlet / hobby when he works so hard.

Nightwean, get some free time in the eves, let him keep his hobby.

If you still need more time, nursery or childcare.

Yup. OP, look at your language in your first post — partner works hard ‘so I am able to stay at home’. You’re phrasing it as though ‘staying at home’ is some kind of privilege he’s enabling you to enjoy, instead of the grim reality you’re unfortunately experiencing (and which is not of course unique to you), an exhausting, dull grind and a lack of power in the household. Start making your plans to return to the workplace asap, and have a serious discussion about how he will be enabling that by seeking out appropriate childcare along with you and doing his share of drop-offs etc.

I think you’re getting a hard time on here.

Your partner needs respite after a busy week but so do you. The down time should be equal. It would be more fair for him to go to golf every other Saturday, so that you get a few hours every other Saturday too to do something that you enjoy. Would he be open to this?

As PPs have said though I do think night weaning should be looked into. There are many gentle methods of doing this for toddlers.

When I was a SAHM, we divided each weekend day into morning, afternoon and evening sections and had a section each entirely undisturbed to do anything at all. Nothing but the need for an ambulance interfered with those times. Then another 2 sections was family time-both parents fully engaged. And the last 2 were a floating segment-usually more family time. We actually had a chart! Sounds regimented , but it worked. But it does require good will.

I am always a bit sad when i see threads where people are asking of ways to make/encourage the fathers to spend time with their own child.

Of course, your DH needs some downtime after working so much, but you also need some time for yourself. So i dont think a golfing day is so bad, but he also needs to be there to see the kids and allow you time; maybe on a sunday its your turn to have a few hours away.

You say you mentioned going back to work and he said no, because you will still have to do everything, but surely not, thats not how a relationship and a partnership works.
Do you want to return to work? He doesnt get to say No.
You should be able to do what you think is best.

It so important to have a good healthy relationship with respect before becoming a SAHP, my DH respected and appreciated everything i did as a SAHM, he used to walk in the door and take over with our DS as he wanted to see him and do bedtime and bath time, i couldn't imagine having to try and convince him to do so, that would be sad.

Get a nanny for a few mornings a week or take the same time on a sunday.
Do you socialise much with your DC, take them out and about with other people/parents?

I'm a breastfeeding sahm and DH is an additional rate tax payer, but works normal office hours and pulls his weight when he's at home. He's better at mornings than me, so he gets up with the DCs and gets them dressed and does breakfast, and takes the eldest to school before going to the office. I spend the day with the younger DC and pick up DC1 from school, sort out dinner, but he gets home at 5.30 and helps with housework, we each take one DC to do bath and bed.

At weekends we spend pretty much the whole time as a family, except he takes DC1 to a swimming lesson on one day and dance on another. Neither of us have any hobbies or child free time at weekends (until after bed) but it works for us. I would feel really deserted if DH went off to do a sport every weekend.

When DC1 was 2y4m she started nursery for 3 days, partly for socialisation/education, partly to give me a.break. DC2 will go into a preschool when she's 2y5m. I would really recommend looking at childcare options fot the 2yo, just a few sessions a week. It will give you a break but also help prepare them for school. I breastfed until DC1 was 3.5 and nursery didn't affect it, as it was mostly morning and evening by then. I didn't work while DC was at nursery because I didn't see it as a break, I wouldn't have been able to book appointments for me or do nice things or hobbies if I'd been stuck working. It's really important to have time to do things for you. At the moment I don't really have that until DC2 is in preschool, but I do certain "things for me" at home once they're in bed.

When my husband is here then he stops work to do bedtime routine and once I've breastfed them both stays with eldest until asleep. Then works from home if needed in the evening. He also does all the food shopping and some of the cooking. He does the night wake ups for the eldest.

I'm a SAHM as my husband contributes to my savings and my career can easily be picked up again at the same level once they're all in school. He'd also be supportive if I wanted to work though.

This!

And you wonder why you don't get a moment to yourself?

Your choices that you don't want to deviate from are why.

I'm shocked at what a hard time you being given over the breastfeeding. No one should tell you to stop and send your child packing off to childcare if you want to be a stay at home parent. But if you want to return to work nobody should block that either. I'm feeling you're trapped!

It's entirely reasonable for you to have an equal amount of downtime as your partner, and it annoys me when I see people refuse to do that, acting as though his job is so much more important than what you're doing, whether it's by your choice or his.

I also think it's reasonable, as he spends all day till two or three playing golf, that you should have the rest of the time from three till 8 to do what you would like to do . Or maybe you have Sunday if he has Saturday? Whatever you choose, it's not fair and equal right now and it needs to be. And you should not have to give up breastfeeding or send your child away if that is not your choice.

"Send your child away" - yes, to an approved childcare setting such as nursery, not down the mines FFS.

If it was me I would set a date - Saturday - in a few weeks, when you are going out alone for the day.
Speak to DH, set it up. Off you go, For a whole day 9:00 - 18:00 - or whenever is past bed time.
Then it’s time for a discussion about when you go to a book club/gym/swim once a week. Maybe you get a babysitter or DH is in charade. Whatever it is you want to do. Or is possible.
DH keeps his golf. You get time for you as well.
Nursery two half days a week is perfect. Your child will settle. Equally if you don’t want nursery that’s ok too. Nursery is not an essential.
It’s a change so it will cause some difficulties/discomfort but that’s part of life.

I’m wondering if OP is able to be away from baby that long due to BF ?
I know I can’t go all day without my LO because I’m BF’ing (doesn’t take bottle or formula)

She could pump. It’s about a balance I guess. And what OP wants/can do. It’s never straightforward.

When he's works home is your responsibility. When he off it should be 50:50. He gets sat mornings. You should get a break too.

OP stopping breastfeeding isn't going to magically make her DP re-engage with his family. Or stop doing 14 (!) hour days. Or fucking off for golf for most of Saturday. Or asking for sex from his exhausted partner. Or leave it up to OP about whether she returns to work or not rather than deciding for her.

Absolutely. All it will do is take away her most valuable parenting tool. Reducing night feeds often goes best with an engaged partner who steps up to be the one to settle the toddler instead of the mum anyway! Upsetting mum and toddler isn't going to magically solve the issues here.

I don't understand why you had a second child with someone who wasn't engaged ... however, your partner sounds useless. I'd even say ok if he wants to golf and maybe it is a good thing, but then you get the next day 'off' 8 - 3 like him. That's fair. I say this as someone who also has a useless husband. Before I got pregnant I always thought being a SAHM was your job, but now I see how unfair the balance is as you're right it's 24/7, and the mental load is constant which to me is more exhausting than the physical aspect. My husband finally stepped up when I told him I would leave him if he didn't. He now changes DC morning nappy, he changes DC night nappy. If he's WFH he will also change the day nappy if he's around. He will give DC a bath once a week, and does bedtimes if he's home (5 nights usually). He will do one breakfast in the weekend so I get a lie in, then usually two more meals during the weekend (so basically I do 3, and he does 3). Does no housework except rubbish and bins, although we do have a cleaner. For the first year he basically did nothing. You need to say something if you want something to change.