Help, child cries every time they lose or aren't chosen

[Hungryfrogs23]

So my child is 6 and is generally an absolute delight to be around. She is kind, polite, helpful, well mannered etc. She does well at school, has plenty of friends etc. But there is one area which we just cannot seem to deal with - her inability to lose/not be chosen for things. So for example, at rainbows they were playing wink murder and she didn't get chosen to be the murderer. So she pouts then bursts into tears. At school sports days if she loses a race, she cries. If we play a board game and she loses, its the same. It is unrelenting. She just cannot accept that things aren't always "fair" or she can't always be chosen or she can't always win. It is exhausting and you start to dread playing game with her, or taking her places as it is embarrassing that all the other kids seem to just accept they haven't been chosen where mine will have a full emotional meltdown about it. We have tried talking to her calmly, explaining rationally, we play and don't "let" her win etc. We have tried taking her home from places when she has a meltdown etc but nothing changes it. She has always been like this and I kept hoping she would grow out of it but she doesn't seem to be.
Please - any words of advice?! Any tips on other things we can do?
She is otherwise an utter delight and I really want to help her navigate this before it becomes any worse and starts to alienate people from wanting to play with her etc.

Keep on playing games of chance eg snakes and ladders.
Model being a gracious winner
Model being a gracious loser
And talk about how to do that.
Eg 'we're all playing a game of snakes and ladders. We get excited when we get a ladder and it's ok to feel a bit annoyed/upset is we get a snake. And remember only one person can win. But we all get to have fun together whilst playing'

Any tantrums, I'd ignore and say 'when you're ready, let me know and we'll carry on playing together'

Thanks for this, it is reassuring to know that what we have been doing makes sense, as this is exactly the sort of thing we have been doing since she was a toddler but it just doesn't seem to change her behaviour. When calm, she will talk rationally to me about being a good sport and being happy for other people etc but when put in those same situations again, the tears and meltdowns are exactly the same.

At her age I think her behaviour is still within the realm of normal. The PP gives good advice.

Ah, she's 6. She's still learning how to handle her emotions/dissappoinment, and it will come with time. Just keep doing what you're doing, she'll get there.

I'm a cub leader, and we've had a few children like this over the years. They're aged 8-10, and some of the younger ones will get a bit teary if they lose a game, or don't get picked to be the 'chaser' or whatever. We tend to just ignore the tears, don't make a thing of it, and move on with the game. We've never had one still doing this when they move on to Scouts at aged 10.

Thank you, this is very reassuring!!

Sounds like a typical 6 year old to me

When mine were 6 they seemed so very grown up in so many ways. I expected certain behaviours because they weren't little any more.

Now my children are actually grown up (or nearly) I look at 6 year olds and marvel at how little they really are, so unbelievably little. And I feel bad at what I worried about and expected when they were little.

In a few years you won't even remember this, modelling is exactly the right thing to do. Plus for every time you notice you DD crying at not winning you miss someone else's child having a moment where they are being unkind, stubborn, rough, rude because all child do something that concerns their parents.

I think I remember feeling like this as a child. I was super sensitive and wanted to be the best at everything - and I really wasn't lol. I don't know why as I was never pushed to excel from what I remember. I did have an over achieving sibling so maybe that played a role!

I still feel a little twinge when I'm rubbish at something in a group setting as I'm sure most people do. And I can be a perfectionist am especially at work. But I got over the visible emotional reactions (mostly haha). Definitely by age 10 but probably earlier than that. So I wouldn't worry!

My DD 6 is the exact same!

I’m not a sore loser & I have modelled this. I’ve explained in every way possible - can’t always win & if we did it would get boring etc & various other things. It’s like he only plays to win, there’s no enjoyment for her otherwise.

This morning she’s been really upset as she’s not been chosen to be a buddy at School, last night it was that one of the other Rainbows didn’t choose her for den leader. It’s relentless.

Now, before we play anything, I say i love playing this with you but if you cheat or get upset about not winning then I will put the game away. That’s literally the only thing that works.

Totally normal, empathise but don’t stop playing games etc(even though I know it puts you off as you then have to deal with the upset). It gets better as they get older.

My DS was like this. His school had a board games club set up for children to learn resilience and I sent him along.
On his first day there he came out and I asked him if he'd enjoyed it.
He said it was amazing... he had won every single game

I think this is normal, although obviously undesirable. I would just brush over it when she isn’t chosen, just ‘well we can’t be chosen every time, can we’ and move on. I think making it a big deal makes it worse for the child. One of mine used to cry every week at drama club if she wasn’t chosen for star of the week. It was a bit embarrassing, as if she was spoiled, but I think it was just that she had her hopes up that she would be chosen and then when she wasn’t she was disappointed. Because I had told her you won star of the week for good listening and best behaviour she felt if she had done that she should win. Later I told her that part of being star of the week is smiling and clapping for others when they are star of the week, and if she could do that maybe she would be chosen in the future. If I could go back I think I’d have been more honest and said ‘you’ll get picked one week, everyone gets a turn at random and it just isn’t your turn yet, but you’ll be chosen before the end of term.’

I would keep playing games but possibly talk about them beforehand. All of mine know if they whinge or complain I won’t play the game as it spoils the fun. Maybe explain that you’re going to play x game and if it isn’t fun (ie people crying when they don’t win and spoiling it for others) they can do some quiet activity instead. Also model how to lose. I know this sounds stupid but one of my kids is autistic and he doesn’t pick subtle things up. I had to model appropriate emotions in really stupid ways, like if I dropped something I would do a big ‘oh man! I dropped it! How annoying, I’m annoyed’ while throwing my hands up and then I would say ‘oh well lucky I have another cake, I will clean this up and have another one.’ It gave him a frame of reference for how to deal with an upsetting thing without having a huge meltdown. I would do the same with losing games, slap my forehead and say ‘aww I got a snake, I’m back to the end! Never mind, I’ll try again.’

Some children are just more emotional than others. So long as you're not giving in to her, I'd just empathise and give her hug, and model dealing with it in another way when you lose.

Been there, have the tshirt. All you can do is keep practicing and role model it yourself. My eight year old is through the other side (except Monopoly/ he still takes himself off for a quiet little cry).

I remember feeling like this and was acutely aware of it when my son started to demonstrate the same traits.

What we’d do before playing any game is to role model the ending of the game before we’d even start. So we’d say ‘now Connor, if you don’t win and your little sister does, what are you going to do?’ - and we’d all suggest funny ways to be a ‘good loser’ before we’d even start. Eg. Formally shaking his sister’s hand and saying well done in a posh voice, or saying through a gritted teeth smile in a funny voice ‘yippee I lost but enjoyed the game’ etc…

It starts everyone off laughing and introduces the idea that losing is sometimes inevitable isn’t the end of the world.

My son became a brilliant and magnanimous ‘loser’. Unfortunately I forget to do the same for his little sister… 🤦🏻‍♀️

DS2 was like this at 6/7- with tears at parties if he lost at a game or if others wound him up - which they tended to do as he could be relied upon to deliver the reaction. We tried to model better responses but got absolutely nowhere. He was less bad at 8/9 and it had stopped by 10. So I don’t have any great advice but it did go away - a distant memory now at 15.

All good ideas. As a teacher l work on what they will say to the winner and we have fun with it. She can think whatever she wants in her head but say the right words: well done or whatever. With my own dc when we watched matches on TV l would say oh they must feel sad but its good to see them shaking hands etc. None of us are shocked when grown men cry after losing a match but we admire the effort they make to be sporting about it.
If she plays with dolls/ teddies maybe do some fun role play about poor Teddy who lost the game.
And don't make too much fuss when she gets upset.

Being a Rainbow’s leader, the amount of times I’ve had to explain, if there aren’t losers, there won’t be any winners is rather high.

I’d say she’ll grow out of it, but my nephew at nearly 9 is getting worse. I’ve told my kids they are allowed to say no to playing games with him, and when asked why to tell him because he’s a bad loser.

Also you might find some books in the library with this message. I remember the Charlie and Lola ones where Lola always has to win...she is a bit older but still might be worth getting in the library for conversation.

Games where if you lose you win and with quick turn around are good, eg things like Pop up Pirate. You play multiple times and he wins some, loses some.

I have a dc like this! I remember a pass the parcel game at a children’s party and it was obvious the adults were trying to ensure my dc won as no one wanted the fall out if she didn’t! It was so embarrassing.

As a teenager she is not as bad but she still hates other people winning awards etc. She never thinks it’s fair and she always gives reasons why she should have won instead.

I also used to practise what to say to other children eg well done. Good idea to use humour and try not to make a major deal of it.

I've found I'm a better parent when I lean into things that I find the most difficult emotions and show that it's OK to have them. I find with my kids I sometimes "rush them through" processing feelings like I hate my brother, I didn't win, I'm so impatient we have to wait. Because when I examine myself, they are all feelings I sort of wasn't "allowed" to have as a child, so I actually dont like them expressing them - and they probably pick that up. I feel like I'm pandering to them if I sympathise too much with them not winning for example.

But then I tried giving much more support eg yes you have really big emotions here, wow that does feel intense for you, and more listening. I'm starting to think if I empathise for a tiny bit longer than feels comfortable TO ME it helps them process & then behave better.

Dunno if that helps.

Agree with all of this. Try not to get too exasperated if you can - I admit I would sometimes fail here as it is exhausting.

@Hungryfrogs23 my step son was like this - took any loss really personally, would pout, cry, throw things around. He's 22 now and did grow out of it - by about 8 he was much better and I'd say by ten it became pleasant to play a game with him.

I think it's probable I was a bit like this as a kid. I don't remember, but I do recognise within myself some not very pleasant emotional responses to other people getting things I want. As an adult, I obviously don't externally show these and know they are ridiculous, but that little jealous pang does kick in now and again...

Wow, thank you all so much for the responses. It's very reassuring to know I'm not alone in this and that chances are it will get better! We will keep plodding on modelling good sportsmanship, journalism to focus on positives of the day etc and fingers crossed it will improve!

Journaling* not journalism! Not reporting her to the DM for her sore losing 🙈😂